On The Mend???

Hopefully we are on the mend here in our house. Had Madeline in the ER Tues night with an ear infection, now Ginger has that raspy Brenda Viccaro sound to her voice, but so far that's about it. I'm praying she doesn't get it as bad as Madeline has it. Me? I was lucky enough to pick up a Z pac and I'm on the mend. Sick mommy is NO GOOD for the family. How ironic that statement is, eh?

So the reconstructive surgeon was really interesting. He was the nicest doctor, with the best bedside manner. He explained everything. I've elected to have my reconstruction done at the same time as the masectomy, and I'm going for the implants rather than a tissue transplant. I was pretty set on the latter procedure until I heard what was involved and how long of a recovery time there was. It made me look at why I had wanted this procedure in the first place, and I decided that me getting back to normal as quickly as possible clearly outweighed my need for my breasts to FEEL more real. I'm blessed that I get new ones - a lot of women never had this choice long ago, so I am very lucky. So here's the procedure, this is CRAZY:

My surgeon goes in first and cuts around the areola and removes the top (has to, this is attached to tissue, which all needs to go) then, as it was explained to me, he 'carves it out like a pumpkin' - isn't that crazy? Then my reconstructive guy comes in, and put an expander under my muscle (this kind of balloon thingy). Then sews me up much like a drawstring purse from the top.

Once I'm healed - after about 3 weeks - I go into my reconstructive dr's office and have 50 cc's of saline injected into the expander - I do this once a week until I get to my desired breast size. Once I get to that size, he schedules an outpatient procedure and, much like breast augmentation surgery, he makes a small cut underneath the breast, takes out the expander and slips in the silicone implant. Then, the final step of this process - is he then makes out of the scar tissue a 'top' and has the areola tattooed on. Isn't this crazy!!! I really thought they would just cut off my boobs - seriously. I had no idea I was going to get to keep my skin. As gross as that sounds here actually typing it - I am very grateful.

So I'll be having weekly fills if you will, while I'm going through chemotherapy. I think it will be good for my brain to have these things going on at the same time. I just didn't know that I wouldn't wake up from the surgery with boobs. It totally makes sense now that it was explained to me, but I have to admit I was a little shocked to hear that I wouldn't have anything when I woke up. But - well, that's ok. Gotta move forward. Now we just await the results of the genetics test to see if it will be one or both breasts. Hate this waiting part!!!

I think I've learned something very important about the way I digest and react to information. It's like I react immediately - for instance, when I hear something like, 'you have cancer' or 'you won't have anything there when you wake up', or 'you're going to lose your hair' - I can't hold it back. I feel this immediately, cry immediately, and totally purge. I'm just not able to keep it in - I guess I could if I really tried, but I'm really the type of person that feels it immediately. Then, as I process it, I have moments of sadness like this, but not as strong. It's like I get it out immediately and 'deal with it' so to speak - then concentrate on processing. I know I have many more moments like this coming, but I guess I'm glad I'm not holding anything in. I obviously have such a secure and comforting sense with my husband, friends, family - that subconsciously allows me to be this way. It's safe to be this way. Thanks Be to God. Again, how blessed I am.

I have my PET scan tomorrow - they shoot me full of this radioactive sugar water (cancer LOVES sugar, who knew??) Then scan my whole body and anyplace where there's cancer lights up. Please pray we're only dealing with the breast. I've been praying for this since I found out I needed to get one. So I have a diet I need to follow today and after the test, I can't be around my kids for like, 2-3 hours. Isn't that scary? So I guess PJ and I will go to lunch or something. Despite this being a real shitty way to get this, it's been really great spending one on one time w/ PJ. We've never even had a date since Ginger was born - and I think we've had like, 5 since Madeline was born. I'm not kidding.

Financially we're a little stressed. Considering the gas needed for future dr appts and co pays, we've decided to cash out what's left in our 401K and pay off some personal loans so we can free up some monthly income for these things. This will alleviate some stress, but we're bummed what little we had left will be gone. Guess that's another motivation for me to fight this thing, I've got college educations to pay for!!!!! Then I'm sure the girls will make tons of money and take care of PJ & I. Ya gotta dream, right?