Walk This Way

Today was a pretty normal day - which I find refreshing. I'm really a 'routine' type person anyway, but since this all started - I REALLY love my routine. Makes me feel normal. Again, these daily walk of mine alone are doing me some good. I find I at least come out of it daily with some sort of insight into all of this. Here's my thought for today.

I figure, we are born into this world with the purest of souls, a true gift from God. The physical form we arrive in is as close to perfect as God has to work with. Unfortunately, we have the physical world we live in to add to this physical self - choices of our parents, environment of our parents and grandparents, etc. - all of this I believe leads to the genetic makeup we inhabit here on earth. Then let's add to the mix the ol 'free will' thing. I'm thinking back on all of the choices I made in my 20's alone. Yikes. I'm surprised I'm still here. So here's an analogy I came up with today (work with me here, this may sound a little corny) I picture myself as the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. (if you haven't seen this in the spring, picture the most lush green lawn in the brightest sun - absolutely stunning) when this gets watered, water is slowly soaked in, like all the information I am receiving. As information gets absorbed, I grow and get strong. However, sometimes, too much water comes and it begins to oveflow into the walkway. When I get too much information I tend to breakdown, overflow - and cry. I thought I'd cried hard before in my life - I've never experienced crying like this. It is so painful, so gutteral - but also, truly cathardic and healing. But I am the meadow - growing strong and lush and green. Information is power - and growth.

I hate this waiting part - I just want to get it all started already so I can have it all OVER with already and get on with my life. What I am finding, is my life will continue while this is happening. What a different look on my life as I knew it. I had no idea. PJ and I find ourselves absolutely exhausted at night - but come together and research information we have, terms we learn - and talk about all sorts of things. I told him I was thinking about having a tattoo on my right breast instead of a reconstructed top (I'm still not saying the "N" word people - ew!). I told him I'm thinking of having the breast cancer pink ribbon tattooed there. He said he was thinking of doing the same thing. I love him so much it hurts. He is my true soulmate - how blessed I am to have found him. My best friend. There are so many moments in my life where I should NOT have made it - some horrific alcohol abuse, 9/11, the birth of Ginger - I was truly guided through these moments - this cancer is not going to be the way I go out of this world. I haven't survived all this to be taken away by cancer. That would be like 'jumping shark' with my life, I just don't think it's supposed to happen that way - I'm way cooler than that. At least I feel cooler. My daughers may differ. ;-)