In the game of Concentration, I just can't seem to find a match.

I wasn't going to post until later, but felt compelled to now. Had a good day today, but real funky afternoon and evening. I'm reminded of how I felt during treatment and how frustrating it was that my inside didn't seem to match my outside. I would feel one way, then look in the mirror and see something completely opposite of the way I felt. I'm finding this happening now. I'm starting to feel back to my normal self again, well, 'new' normal self, but normal nonetheless. But I look nothing like I used to look - and to start to feel normal, and not look what I would categorize as normal for me, is equally as frustrating as it was before. Thing is, when it happened before, I had chemo to blame - now that's over - what do I have to blame now? Maybe I'm in this 'in between' stage, my hair is growing in and I still feel like I look like a lesbian (not that there's anything WRONG with that) and this extra weight that I keep bitching about but I don't seem to want to do anything about either. My girlfriend who went through this too told me that with short hair, there's a fine line between super cute short and sassy cut, butch dike cut, and old lady hair. I'm not sure where I fall into this, I've never had short hair in my life - all I know is I have a cowlick pretty much on the top and it sticks straight up and the products I'm using seem to make my hair look even thinner than it already is. I know, I know, stop bitching - I feel bad for even complaining - this is such a strange transition though - it kinda snuck up on me. Now that everything is pretty much done, I have a sneaky suspicion that shit like this is going to come up and fuck with my head. Like I said before, my brain is starting to catch up with everything - going to be a bumpy ride.

My healing is going along as scheduled - and I'm going to get a bit graphic here - so those with sensitive stomachs should skip this paragraph. So I change the dressings on my open wound on the left side in the morning, and in the evening. This entails soaking a gauze pad in a saline solution, stuffing it into the wound, then covering it with a dry larger gauze pad and taping it down. When we started doing this, 2 weeks ago, it always looked the same. It's about the size of a silver dollar, maybe a little bit larger and about 1 to 2 inches deep. It's exactly where my top used to be. (remember, I don't use the 'n' word) Yuk, I know. It looked kinda, I don't know, scabby inside? Now - it's looking all red and when I take the gauze out to replace it, it is full of this yellow shit - so disgusting. I can feel myself putting this off in the evening until the very last moment - I am just hating doing this. Not enough to quit, I won't stop, I just need to bitch about it here because it's like I go through the day almost feeling like I blend in again (ahhh to blend in again!) then I come home and have to do this and just get reminded of everything is such a 'slap in the face' way. I guess that's a good thing - keeps me real, honest, grateful. Just sucks too, all at the same time. My doc tells me this is the way it's supposed to look. In fact, his exact words were "all red and beefy" - he has a sick sense of humor - thank GOD! Need to tune into mine here I suppose. Trying. Some days are better than others.

So the favorite part of my day today was putting on one of those Christmas movies, Santa Clause is Coming To Town, in my girls room and we all laid down on the floor on a pillow together and watched it. It took me a minute or two to get down there, but I did it, and it felt great. So ready to be back at 100% again. We all shared Madeline's Dora pillow, which was a great sharing time for her - bravo Madeline! I tell her that sharing is hard, and it doesn't really get easier as you get older, you just get better at not showing how hard it is.

So I'm writing this and I'm suddenly reminded of my devotion for today. I read this this morning at coffee with a friend of mine, and I'm surprised at myself I didn't remember this sooner today. Shame on me. This was especially designed for me today, and perhaps it may ring true with others. So check this out:

Problems are part of life. They are inescapable: woven into the very fabric of this fallen world. You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything. (THIS IS SOOOOOO ME!) This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking. Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.

Do not let fixing be your top priority. You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you. Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own. Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern. Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation. Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask Me to show you what is truly important. Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity.

Easier said than done, eh? Well, practice makes perfect.

God Bless -

Ahhhh the 'mental health' day!

We decided as a family to take one of these today and stay home - all day. We didn't go to church or even get out of our pajamas until like - just before noon. It was fabulous. What a weekend.

Our turkey on Thanksgiving was done 2 hours ahead of time. Can you frikin believe it? That NEVER happens to me. All I can say is the Reynolds cooking bags - WORK - our 24 lb turkey was done in 4 hours. Not kidding. We were all running around like idiots trying to get everything else ready for dinner. Which actually ended up being lunch. It was hysterical. No one got pissed, not one got angry - maybe a little testy but that was only because I think I counted 6 people at one point in my small kitchen - but everything came out great and we had a lovely time. I am just so happy to have had a house full of family. If you would have told me back in May that this is the kind of Thanksgiving I would be hosting, I'd never have believed it. How blessed I am.

Now, some of you who follow this blog closely may be thinking 'did they use the turkey PJ shot when he went turkey hunting for Thanksgiving?' That makes sense doesn't it - well, no. Here's why - I've never eaten wild turkey before, and this thing, once plucked (ew!) is pretty small. I've also heard wild turkey is pretty gamy (sp?) - soooooo, it still lives in our outside freezer, happy and frozen as can be. PJ says he wants to make a 'turkey pot pie' with it. Let's just say I won't be pushing him out of the way to get the first bite of that. Have at it hun. I'll take the Butterball thank you very much.

We did the Thanksgiving thing, had the honor of having PJ's dad stay with us for a couple nights which was nice, then we all went to the light parade in town on Sat. It was so much fun - cold - but fun. PJ and I have done this since we moved here and it's so small town and cutesy you just want to puke. We love it though. We're getting really good at going now too - where to park, what to bring, where to sit, by next year we'll be old pros. I think everyone had a great time - it was us, Sean and Joe, PJ's dad, my mom and Britt (who stayed the whole time up here at a hotel). I have to say, I got very accustomed to seeing my mom and Britt everyday. I loved the feeling of them coming over to our house in the morning and hanging out. I could get used to that. (hint hint mom? kidding) I did love it though - I wish we lived closer.

So today it was just us, and we took down our fall stuff and put up all our Christmas stuff. My energy wasn't the best this morning, but better as the day progressed. My joint pain is still really unpredictable, I'm trying to just go with the flow. I don't know if Advil helps - sometimes I think it does, other times not. Strange.

I usually have this sense of urgency in putting up the decorations, but today, I was just relishing in pulling everything out, and mostly sharing it with Madeline. She is just starting to really get this, and to see her face and decorations came out of the boxes was so cool. Seeing this through her eyes this year is going to be awesome. Ginger is starting to say everything now - she said Grandpa to PJ's dad while he was here and it was just the most precious thing. She of course was into everything she wasn't supposed to be into - and I would hear PJ behind me as I was decorating saying "No Ginger No - put that down! Ginger No -" and I just giggled to myself. I thought 'this is the only time we're going to experience the holidays in just this way with our kids - just this way, right now - and I absolutely love it'. I know it's frustrating, but I try to look at it now through Gingers eyes - can you imagine? She goes to take a morning nap and wakes up to all this glitz and glamour! How does she NOT touch everything!?! I would.

I think I'm healing pretty nicely now. I've learned to change my own dressings now which is really sceevy but fine. The wound itself is changing, healing, which is good. And this is the first week I don't have a dr appt since, shit, I have no idea how long. So happy about that. I've been a good doobie about tending to my dressings, so hopefully it's doing what it is supposed to be doing. At least it's starting to LOOK like it's healing, where before it just kinda looked the same all the time. Taking a shower is very strange though with an open wound. So sceevy. Blech.

Sleeping in the bed now, which is getting better each day. Still not able to sleep like I used to but getting there. So our entire house changed due to us finding the perfect spot for the recliner out in the living room. It's like our entire furniture balance shifted to accommodate this one, very important piece of furniture. Who knew how much weight the recliner carried, eh? Especially this one, it is C O M F Y! Even the dog seems to be fighting us for this precious, now public spot in our living room.

So PJ and I spoke this evening and we decided to ask Nancy to help me out in the mornings for Mon, Tues and Wed of this week, then I'm going to go it on my own. Can you believe it? I think I'll be ready. This would put me at almost 6 weeks after my surgery. It feels like everyday I get stronger and stronger. Just the other day I went to take off my surgical bra from the back - I was like HEY! Look at you! (hadn't been able to reach around like that, then just out of habit, I did) It's amazing the habitual things we as women do that we don't even realize we do, till we can't do them anymore. It's almost like I didn't know I couldn't do them until I started doing them again after a reprieve - if that makes any sense. From putting on a bra, to your shower routine, to getting dressed. So many things.

We were also able to see a wonderful old friend of mine this weekend. Wait, he isn't old, we've just been friends a long time. Anyhow, he and his wife were here from NY and they took time out of their short stay to drive up north here and visit us. I was thrilled. He was the first friend I made when I moved to NY and he has just been an amazing part of my life. PJ and I were blessed enough to attend his wedding just weeks before we moved back here. We still keep a picture from that on our fridge. In any case, he and his wife were most kind to me through this process and it was so awesome to get to share some face time with them. Well, between my children hogging their attention - when did Madeline stop being shy? I kinda miss that.

All in all, I can't complain once about Thanksgiving. I am so blessed to have the things I have, the life I have, the family and friends that surround me. What a gift I've been given to literally soak in each moment of this life. And I'm not saying this like it's some corny lyric in a song - I think the only way you can honestly say that you can do this, is when your life has been jeopardized in some way - and you take that way and come face to face with it - look it in the eye - then you get it. I've had so many people try to discuss this with me, bond with me, say they 'get it' - and I appreciate the effort. But unfortunately (or fortunately) they just can't get it. I wish everyone could, without having to live through this process. Life on this earth would just then be continually amazing, for everyone.


God Bless

Madeline, stop licking the wall please.

I couldn't believe this actually came out of my mouth. Why does she do these bizarre things? Strange.

Today, for the first time in like, 6 months, I was able to take care of my children on my own. I cannot tell you how incredible it felt to get back to being mom, in the full scope of the word. There were moments today where Ginger just wanted me to hold her - put her head down on my shoulder. It felt amazing. What a blessing. I remember back before when I was a stay at home mom before cancer, I seemed to have this underlying urgency to hurry up and get the girls fed, tended to, so I could get back to whatever I was doing. Which could have been as stupid as looking online or cleaning the house. Now, I can't wait to tend to them, I relish in it actually. And I do still look online, later when they're napping and I've been able to clean up the kitchen or take a nap or something. I just don't care to be stressed out by the things that used to stress me out - it's wild. I cleaned up the house, but really just enough to have people in and just relax. I can't believe I'm not stressing about having 10 people for dinner tomorrow. Normally, well, the old Dina would have been climbing the walls by now, making sure everything was perfect. The only thing I'm really kind of stressed about for tomorrow is the hope that I'll get a good spot on the couch to get comfortable. We'll see.

I think I'm going to start a new tradition here at the Mountcastle house. I've started others, like pizza for dinner the night before Thanksgiving, chocolate chip cookies from scratch at Christmas, church on Christmas Eve, etc. But this one for Thanksgiving is going to be a but more meaningful. I'm going to go around the table and ask each person what they are most thankful for and how they want to give back to others during the next year. Then, I'll read from my devotional for grace. I think this will make us all think, which we just get too busy to do sometimes, right?

I'm off to shower now, then go to bed. OH - slept in bed last night and did great - was able to move around a bit more, so I didn't feel so 'chicken arm' when I woke up, but I think I'll get better at it the more I get accustomed. Can you believe I had my surgery a month ago? Isn't that crazy? Doc did say I am still 6 weeks out from healing and starting fills, but that's fine w/ me. I'm really focusing on healing right now. Glad to be getting healthy and glad to be alive. So happy the impatience has faded for now, that was exhausting.

Still so tired at night, so exhausted. Wanted to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for, it's almost laughable to try to put into words. It just sounds like a bad 'made for TV' movie. I'll do my best to express myself in an authentic manner tomorrow when we say grace, hope it will come out the way I intend it to. Blessings to all of you, I'll be posting again on Sunday evening as we have a full holiday weekend. Mom and Britt came up today, they are staying at a hotel nearby as Sean, Joe, Dad and Uncle John are coming up tomorrow, and Dad will be staying with us till Sat. We're all going to the light parade on Sat evening, Madeline is so excited. So am I actually. I am so happy to have such a beautiful life. My goodness, I am blessed.

God Bless -

Lord Almighty I forgot to take my Percocet!

In all the things I had to prepare for this morning, I forgot to pop a percocet on our way to Phx so I would be relaxed when I saw the doctor. See, he just gets right in there and pokes and prods around in this open wound - enough to make your butt pucker with excitement - it's revolting. Did I remember? Nope. Yikes.

So we decorated the house last night so Nancy could enter into a Birthday Extravaganza this morning - Happy Birthday Nancy! We figured since she had to spend her special day with my kids, we should make it as festive as possible. She also had to take Madeline to school w/ Ginger in tow as our appt was early this morning in Phx. Thank you Nancy! (I will never be able to say that enough to this woman) We get there and basically, after discussing the need for a Ford F350 (another blog perhaps) he says 'this looks fine, let me clean it up - lie back'. Ahhh shit!! That's when I realized I hadn't prepared myself. OK! Just stay focused on PJ - who tried his hardest not to look at what the doc was doing, but, he's a guy and loves the gross stuff I guess - I, however, did NOT look at anything. He says to keep doing what we're doing, I can take a shower now (thank you God), no more antibiotics needed, and - drum roll please - the lifting restrictions are done. Yipee!!!! Now, I'm not going to run home, grab Ginger and throw her up in the air - I'm going to take it slow and build up but I am thrilled. I actually gave Ginger her milk this evening the way I used to - not all 'accommodating' stance like - it was great.

I was trying to explain to PJ on the way home that I was trying to figure out how to transition into this new phase of my relationship with God. During treatment we connected in many, specific moments - treatment, prayer circle, church, my own private time. Now, I just have church and my own private time and I really feel lost without this other dedicated time. Like I'm missing something - and what I talk about with him is changing - and that feels weird too. Like how friends change and become different friends to you at different times in your life I guess - right? I don't know. PJ kept suggesting that I 'go volunteer' somewhere - and that's just not what I was getting at. This is not about giving back, that is something completely separate for me that I am handling already (baby steps, I know) - this is a shift in a relationship that I'm trying to process. Maybe, what I need to do is actually talk to Him about it - that just occurred to me this very moment. Duh. I talk to Him about everything else, since this is concerning Him, ya think He'd want to be clued in here? Jeesh. What a dork I am.

Something I'm making a conscious effort to change lately in me is my patience with my kids. They don't really get that I had cancer, or treatment, or surgery, or another surgery - they still push mommy's buttons just like any other kid does. I realized I want to discipline them by choice, not my reaction - and sometimes, my reaction is what comes out first. Looking back at situations, if I really had time to think about it, I would have responded differently because I would CHOOSE to discipline rather than simply react to their behavior. Cancer has made be get really REAL with myself, and this is something about me I need to work on. I am praying for patience - to train myself to take the time to CHOOSE and not REACT. Does that make sense? It's hard - really hard, especially when you're tired - but that is when it counts the most. As I teach my children, the right thing to do is usually the hardest - that's why many don't choose to do the right thing. But we are strong, and we choose the right thing to do - and it makes God proud. I need to practice what I preach here. Just talking about it here is helping already. Who knew?

So I actually get to start thinking about Thanksgiving finally tomorrow. I've had so much going on - I was able to get all the pumpkin bread made (32 loaves total by the way - yes, I am completely insane) and we have the turkey and stuffing and that's about it. I know everyone else is bringing stuff - I just haven't thought of it all coming together in my home - until now. And we just added another - so it's 10 people now. Well, 8 really, Madeline and Ginger barely count as 1 together food wise. I get to be a stay at home mom again for the first time since my surgery tomorrow morning as Madeline is on fall break - and I'll tidy up the house. Not going crazy, just don't really care to is all. Looking forward to having a house full of people.

One thing I'm experiencing which I haven't mentioned yet - is joint pain. It's getting kinda bad too - especially today. This is a side effect of the Femara that I need to take daily. When I wake up in the morning, my fingers are wicked stiff and it hurts to bend them. That has been going on for awhile now and I really think I'm growing accustomed to it. However, today, I started feeling it in my knees and my hips - and that really is uncomfortable. When I sit for any length of time, then go to get up - it is really painful to start moving. I feel like I'm a hundred years old! I'm hoping exercise will help with this - and Advil - don't know what else to take for it. But I have to say, I'm going to have to find some relief for this - it makes it really hard to get up and down to play with my kids - which completely sucks. I go back and forth, 'just be grateful you're here Dina!" and I am, dear God I thank Him for this every day - but I need to find some relief from this. Maybe today was just a really bad day. I'll pray for that. Oh - and no more constipation - so there's that. Hip Hip Hooray for Pooping! As Madeline says 'Everybody poops Mom!'

Well, off I go to take a shower - yes! It's the little things, ya know. What a gift I've been given to notice the little things, appreciate moments with people, relish in the laughter of my husband and I being completely juvenile and giggly on the way home today - what a gift. On this note I need to share an except from yesterday's devotional that is absolutely beautiful - this is such an awesome way to start your day - I read this out loud to PJ and myself this morning, and it made a HUGE difference for us.

As you go through this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way. I lovingly go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day. Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one. When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet. Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart. Receive My Peace as you lie down to sleep, with thankful thoughts playing a lullaby in your mind.

God Bless

Hurry up with your compassion! I gotta get to Costco!

So I had to run some errands while Madeline was in school today - and decided that I would pick up some food for a woman with a sign 'Homeless - Need Help' who was just at the entrance of the supermarket. So I pull over to the right slightly to get out and give her some food when this woman coming up behind me honks at me. Can you believe this? I mean, I can only hope that she didn't realize what I was doing and felt like a complete ass once she did - I can hope.

So good day today, I am feeling stronger and stronger day by day. It feels great. Took Madeline to school and ran errands in town with the soundtrack to Glee blaring from my vehicle (thank you Sean and Joe). This was a little more appropriate I think than my typical Lady Gaga - I'd venture to guess I'm probably the only parent of a preschooler at the Lutheran church who knows all the words to Love Game. Not to worry, this does not get played with children in the car. :-) Anyhoo - it's amazing how good I'm feeling - like I didn't realize I didn't feel good - or my definition of 'good' was something completely different than it is now. I can literally feel myself having more energy, it's so exciting. Hard to explain. I am getting around with more ease too - and there have been times I completely forget I've just had surgery, which is pretty cool. Still not sure about how the left side is doing - we'll find out tomorrow at my early morning dr appt in Phx. I think my definition of 'healing' is also completely skewed now too. I think this open wound thing is revolting looking - so I'm curious as to what the doc has to say about it. I'm praying for healing, continued healing.

I've been able to adjust w/ Ginger and she too seems to be adjusting as well. I lift her onto my lap from the sitting position, I get her into her crib by using a stool for her to climb up on - she's such a trooper. She's getting quick though - she likes to swipe things she knows she is not supposed to have then when you catch her, she runs away, giggling of course. Running after her is a little tough. I'm finding different ways to connect with her, and it's really nice. When I'm sitting on the floor, I can hug her and it feels so good. I didn't realize how important this connection was to me. It so great to be getting it back.

I hate to cut this short, but I'm falling asleep here. Not tired enough during the days to take a nap lately, so when bedtime comes, I'm super tired. Trying to keep my patience about me and know this healing process is just long and takes a lot out of me. Frustrating!


God Bless -

Move Over Bacon! Now there's something Meatier!

Greetings this late Sunday evening. I hope everyone had a great weekend. Ours was just lovely to be honest. I think The Mountcastle's needed some 'regrouping' time, and I think we got it this weekend. We're all such homebodies - it's nice.

Madeline had her Thanksgiving program on Friday, and although it was very cute, my husband was literally on the phone working the entire time - so it had this sense of discouragement around it that we all acknowledged and were all equally bummed about. This continued into Friday evening when I finally suggested we go to dinner at the local Mexican food joint and have a margarita. Amazing what that can do for you - and I don't mean that in a 'I'm not an alcoholic!' kind of way, just the need to get out of the house and relax.

So I had mentioned that I was going to pop a squat at the H1N1 clinic early Sat morning, right? Well I did - I was there around 7:15 am and lo and behold, I am the first one in line. Awesome, right? I thought so too - so here's the plan: I was to go and stake out a spot in line, then PJ would bring the girls closer to the time when the doors open so the girls didn't have to stand around in the cold. I notice that people are really starting to show up around, say, 8am or so - so I called PJ to tell him that perhaps he wanted to get there closer to 8:45am rather than 9, when they were supposed to open. Well, he didn't get there at 8:45, he got there more like, 8:55 - and guess what? They opened the doors at 8:45 - so by the time all who were in line got past me, PJ and the girls showed up. Fortunately, we were still able to get Ginger the shot - which was the whole point. And yes, I was pissed that I sat there from 7:15 to 9 for no reason. But as I drove home, vocalizing my frustrations in a rather loud tone, I realized that at least Ginger got the shot (I realize I'm repeating myself here, doing this on purpose) and that was really the most important thing. I know it's hard to get 2 kids out of the house, especially when one is a new toddler - it's frustrating as all hell sometimes. And I think it's harder for men sometimes than women to do this - sorry to sound sexist here, but I do. By the time I got home, we were really onto other things. I can remember a time, not too long ago, ummm let's see, before cancer? yes - when I would have let this set the tone for my entire weekend. Seriously - I totally let it go. HUGE for me - silly to some, but HUGE for me. I spent the day baking pumpkin bread with Madeline and we had a great time. We put on our aprons and I taught her how to crack an egg. She was really more into feeling the raw egg in the bowl than cracking it, but she did a great job. So I made 3 batches of bread, and one that I totally screwed up. I must remember, cooking with a pre-schooler sometimes causes you to forget ingredients. I had a batch of 'reservoir bread' come out - each little loaf was all sunken down in the center. I called my mom and she said, 'well, it's the baking soda that makes it rise D' - as soon as she said that I knew I had completed spaced it. So funny. I think I spent the entire day on Sat in the kitchen and I loved it. I was just so happy that I finally had the energy to actually BE in the kitchen all day. I made the bread, a meal for my neighbor who is sick, then dinner for us.

It's so funny - I was talking to my mom again today, we were discussing this weeks Thanksgiving Day menu and making plans, and I mentioned when I was going to clean the house. She said "don't go crazy cleaning D" and you know, I can honestly say that is the LAST thing I am worried about. Me! Not worried about cleaning! Can you believe these words are coming out of my mouth? Me - the one fondly refered to by those who REALLY know me as 'Monica'. I can't believe it. I can honestly say, that I will 'tidy up' but it's really not something I am stressing about at all. In fact, I just want to make sure we've got the dinner part covered, then it's really 'fend for yourself'. My bathrooms will be clean, because that completely grosses me out, but everything else will just be 'lived in' and comfortable. I'm not trying to impress anyone - I want people to come over, hang out and hopefully feel comfortable enough to fall asleep on my couch. That would make the perfect Thanksgiving. People come, eat, and be happy. (and pee in a clean bathroom)

So this evening, after the kids were bathed and I was starting on dinner, PJ told me I needed to walk outside - don't turn the lights on, just walk outside and enjoy. So I did - and it was amazing. I walked out on our driveway, and the sun had pretty much just gone down, and this sliver of a moon lit the sky. There are no street lights in our neighborhood, it is pitch black and you can see tons of stars in the sky - and it was completely silent. I encourage all to do this from time to time. I didn't realize how noisy our house was. Not that that is a bad, not at all - but it is quite calming to take 2 minutes and walk outside, feel the cool air, smell the fireplaces and listen to nothing.

I am overwhelmed tonight by how blessed I am. That I have been given a 2nd chance at this life and how much I want to make it count. I thought I was thankful before cancer - I was able to acknowledge that I had what some others don't, and I thanked God for it. Now, that thankfulness is rooted deeper in my soul - almost like I was aware before, but not invested - now, I'm invested and I can feel it from the core of my soul. I hear my family together and can't help but cry tears of joy that I'm here and actually able to hear them. I watched Madeline make Ginger laugh so hard today there were tears in her eyes, I listened to PJ through the monitor sing to the girls and play with them - he is such an awesome Dad. What a wonderful example to them of what a real man is. He's setting the bar really high. And I'm here - listening, watching, taking it all in. Being present, being in the moment, THAT is what it's about. When you are able to tune into this, it's amazing.

In church today, Pastor George & Nancy 's message was about blessings. How we are blessed by God, then we in turn take that gift, and bless others. So while we are thanking God for all we have been given this year, I think we also need to remember to give of ourselves to others as well. The trick here is, do this because it's the right thing to do - not because you are looking for a reaction or a thank you. If we are giving just to be acknowledged, maybe we need to re-think why we're giving in the first place. It's like the old saying 'It doesn't pay to be nice' - well, if we're wanting to be paid, in whatever form, to be nice, we probably need to rethink why we're being nice - right? I'm not saying it's easy, it takes a lot of grace and confidence to give without acknowledgement - it's in our nature as humans to want to fulfill this insecurity. We all like a 'pat on the back' for doing good. But really, isn't knowing that we made someones life a little better, their day a little easier, isn't that enough? I'm working on this - I just think it is an amazing way to view life, and the impact we can have on each others lives - that's what God wants of us, I believe.

Well, tired now. Need to climb into my chair and sleep. Did try the bed the other night, and although I did sleep, I wasn't able to move as well as I have learned to in the chair. But I'm getting stronger and more mobile as the days pass - and I almost have full eyebrows and eyelashes now. I will never take them for granted again. ;-)

God Bless -

Ginger! Pick 'er Up! (in the style of SNL - the FUNNY years)

I was literally up till 2am this morning, which is why I didn't post last night - can you believe it? As much as I need to heal and stuff, this parenting gig is still going strong, and the only time I can get shit done is at night - the beat goes on.

I am so frustrated at not being able to tend to my children. It's not just picking up Ginger either - although that has gone from frustrating to borderline outrage. I know I know - it's not forever, thanks - know that - really don't need to be reminded of it anymore. I'm allowed to just be annoyed at this I think. But all the other things I didn't realize I did w/ my kids that I can't do now - tickle, chase around the room (even though I tell them not to run, just figured out that mixed message, oops) cuddle on the couch, have them sit on my lap without guarding my chest like it's gonna break in two - these are the things I would have done WAY more of before this surgery had I realized what a huge part of my life with my children this was. We are, and I am, a very affectionate person. We are the type of family that hugs and kisses a lot, and tells each other we love each other a lot - I'm going overboard on the 'I love you's' lately, can't help it. Madeline has the tone down quite appropriately when she responds with "Oh Mom!" She's 4 - I'm in big trouble.

I was sitting on the couch this evening with my girls, watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the Jim Carrey version which I'm not real fond of to be honest, the cartoon original was fine, they never should have done a remake) when Ginger suddenly squealed with laughter and came at me hands first right on my chest - I can't describe to you how much this hurt. I excused myself once PJ had her, went into the bedroom and just burst into tears. I don't know if this was from the pain, the shock, or the sadness that this is me right now for my kid. Probably a combination of all of them. And maybe I needed a good cry, that hasn't happened for a few days anyway. I found myself praying - praying for continued strength and healing. I prayed for patience - Lord do I need patience. Then I felt kinda guilty for praying for anything right now considering all the blessings I've received already through this journey. Look at all the good that has happened already - how dare I continue to ask for things? Funny thing is, is that is exactly what we are supposed to do. I don't ever 'ask for stuff' like it's a conversation with Santa Clause "I was a good girl this year God, so please cure my cancer!" I don't think it works that way. I think we have to show up and ask for help & guidance in our own pursuit through this life. This is something I went into in depth in my testimony last weekend, so I won't harp on this here - just something I was reminded of this evening as I prayed. Interesting.

Had to take another 'mini shower' this evening. They told me not to take one but we have one of those larger walk in showers where I can not have water hit me directly on the chest - so at least I kinda feel like I'm showering. That's good. I also washed my own hair this evening. I love it when PJ does this, but, I also realized there's something therapeutic about taking a shower and washing the day off of you privately. At least there is for me, maybe it's a woman thing - but this private time is really important to me. It's been frustrating not to be able to take care of myself. This time has been essential for me in the accepting of this new physical self of mine as well - having to tend to it myself, and take care of it myself as done HUGE things for my perspective of what is happening to me.

It's funny, I noticed today, and actually I noticed because someone commented to me recently on my shape. But I noticed people checking me out - which is so completely normal I'm sure. (people who know me, looking at my chest, not like some random guy/girl lookin at me wanting a piece of the lesbian looking woman with eyelash sprouts) I would totally do the same thing. So I'll explain what's going on under here - See, I'm wearing this surgical bra (so God awfully ugly, OY!) and it has pads in it. The bra itself has pockets that these breast forms fit into, and when I first put it made me look like I was HUGE - so luckily you can take some of the filler out of these forms, which I did, and now I feel more normal. Funny thing is, I don't thing I'm wearing this with the forms to look as if I have a shape, I wear them because they feel like this guard for my incisions that are healing. Like this layer of protection. Strange sensation though to have something brush up against the form and I don't feel anything, because it's not me - weird, eh? Hard to explain. Speaking of which, I think the left side is doing ok - I have no idea. We're changing out the dressings like we were told, it doesn't look great, but to be honest, I have nothing to compare this to - so who knows. It looks disgusting to me - and I'm not sure where the healing is going to go from here, we'll have to wait and see on Tues. Right now PJ and I change the dressings, look at each other, shrug, and go about our business.

I'm going to try to sleep in bed tonight - I'm so excited. First of all - I MISS SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND!! It's been a bummer (althought SO needed!) sleeping in a chair next to the bed, makes me feel like some old lady. I had a nap in it today and it seemed to go pretty well. I just have to stay on my back - since I've been that way since the surgery, I think I'm used to it by now. We'll see how Madeline deals with it since she's been sleeping on my side recently. Hmmmm.

Weekend looks pretty normal so far. I'm going to try to get Ginger her H1N1 shot on Sat at a clinic, oh joy. I'm sure I'll have a colorful story of THAT experience come Monday - so tune in for that. Otherwise, church, staying home, all that good stuff. Cooking more pumpkin bread, watching my eyelashes grow, trying to get my hair to stop sticking straight up like Zippy the Pinhead as it grows out - life is good. Life is very good.

Have a lovely weekend all - stay safe out there as everyone gears up for this turkey day coming up.

God Bless -

Too Much Information

Well, the trip to the dr office this morning was indeed needed. The good thing, is the expander was still intact and not exposed. This is good, very good. But, it is not healing correctly and my dr indeed cleaned it out and now I have an open wound. I didn't think it possible for me to get any more skeeved out - but alas, it has happened. I need to pack this open wound twice a day with gauge pads. My dr explained it this way - he said that with mastectomy's this is pretty common, especially with this 'draw string purse' type of closure. Breast tissue is full of blood vessels, essential in healing - since all that tissue is removed in a mastectomy, healing takes a lot longer because the only blood vessels in that area are the ones just under the skin. They're working like, triple time to heal this huge wound - and it's working fine on the right side, not so good on the left. So we have to start from the inside out now. I have to rinse gauge pads in saline, pack them in the open wound, then cover them with dry gauge pads and tape them down.

I chose to take a percocet about an hour before my appointment - THANK YOU GOD! Now, I couldn't feel him doing this (thanks again Big Guy) but could feel pressure - and just stayed focused on PJ the whole time. I'm actually about to go and change the dressings for the first time, and I don't know if I want to do it to myself, or if I want to ask PJ to do this. (need I say again how very blessed I am to have PJ? this once again, much more than he bargained for) I almost think I'd be better handling this if it was on my arms, or my leg, or even my belly - but my chest, it's just so - personal - no escaping it, it's just right there. Arg. I'm sure I'll get used to this too, I got used to so many other things, this too will become the 'temporary new normal' for a time - I just feel like screaming 'CAN'T THEY JUST HEAL LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO PLEASE! ENOUGH ALREADY!'.

Alright, I realize I'm bitching - I'll probably complain about this for another day then I'll pipe down. Yuk. It's just yukky.

I now know the Walgreens pharmacy workers by name - and they know me. It's actually quite comforting, and good to know that finally I have a positive experience in Walgreens. Which is good, I really love Walgreens. Always have. :-)

So, I baked 12 mini loaves of pumpkin bread tonight - and put my kids to bed without any help cuz PJ had a meeting to attend. Yipee!!! I'm so excited to be getting so much stronger. I just need to get this left one healed and I'll be on my way. Doc says it's going to take about 6 weeks to get this healed properly - we won't start my fills until after the first of the year. That sounds fine to me. I can't imagine fills in the condition I'm in right now - yikes.

I am continually humbled by people's generosity - this Pasta & Praise dinner did so much for me and my family - emotionally and financially. The words 'thank you' just don't seem to do my feelings justice anymore. I just don't know what to say anymore. I just cry tears of joy, tears of humility, tears of gratitude. Sometimes I think how can I possibly have anymore tears to cry, and they continue to fall, thank God.

I don't know how many people have heard the latest news on mammograms - but I for one cannot support it. Basically they are saying there's really no need to be checked until you are basically 50. I think this sucks - but I also realize that I am one of those cases that doesn't fall into the 'norm'. But does that make it ok? I don't think so. I think everyone counts, and every case is important. Statistics are important too, I just wish stats would also follow up with 'there are also cases that fall outside these statistics - so listen to your body and ask your physician for what you think is right' that would at least help. It is just scary to me that this disease in a younger woman, such as myself, could now go undetected for a long period of time because someone is latching their fear (which we ALL have) onto the advices dispensed right now that it's OK to wait to have a mammogram.

Off to bed for me now. I think Madeline will be OK for school tomorrow, and I get to have coffee with a good friend of mine. Also, Madeline and I get to have lunch together, just she and I, before her haircut appt. So cute.

Thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers, your well wishes. They continue to work within me and heal me. Thank you. I certainly have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

God Bless -

You Can Call Me Scabby!

I know - gross right? Tell me. Seems the left side (the side where there was NO cancer - go figure) isn't healing correctly. A small 'hole' formed in the scab forming, so I thought I needed to call my dr this morning and see what they said about this. Well, my nurse contact kinda freaked out. She said they didn't want to wait until Thurs to see me - so I have to go in tomorrow morning. She seems to feel that there's a possiblity the expander is exposed. If this is the case, there's a possibility they need to do surgery again. Now, I'm not a doctor, we all know this, not sure why I just said it, but I don't think it's that serious. I think the surgical site needs to be cleaned out (cue butt puckering) and then a few more stitches are needed (cue really BIG butt puckering). But, what do I know. We'll see tomorrow - nothing like my 3rd trip to phx in the last 4 days. Gotta luv it.

Kept Madeline home today, she has a runny nose still, and I think I'll keep her home tomorrow too. Just don't want anyone else to have to wipe her yukky nose, I know I always found that annoying. Another quiet day, although it will drive her further into boredom, won't hurt her. I even got her to nap today, which was helpful. She just started going a little stir crazy this evening, can't really blame her.

Speaking of stir crazy - I had a moment this afternoon where I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin and scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what this was caused by, but I have an idea where this is coming from. I think something is transitioning in my brain. I was all 'fight fight fight' for 7 months straight, and although I have this healing going on, I'm no longer 'fighting the cancer'. My brain is starting to catch up to this, and I think is freaking out a bit. It's like I almost have to figure out how to be me again, whoever that is now. I mean, I know who I am, but there are times during the day that I just don't know what to do with myself - I don't know how else to explain it. Like I should be DOING something - and there's nothing to do and it makes me crazy. I guess I subconsiously got accustomed to the part of me I dedicated to fighting, now that I don't have to really do that anymore, this energy needs to go someplace else - maybe that's it. It comes out in wierd ways right now. I guess I just need to listen to myself, give myself a little bit of grace, and try to relax. Hmmm. We'll see.

So my eyelashes are all of sudden REALLY growing! It's amazing! I'm so excited to have some now - I didn't realize how much I missed them but they seem to grow literally overnight. What an interesting experience this is. So funny that here I thought I had gotten all the way through chemo with them still intact, thin, but intact, then I finish chemo and they all fall out. Isn't that just the shits. But, good thing is, I didn't have to wait too long for them to come back - I noticed them starting like, last week I think coming back. They are getting wicked long now - so cool.

Looks like I'll have 9 of us for Thanksgiving. I'm actually very excited. Everyone is bringing something so I don't have to cook everything, which is really nice. How blessed I am, just 30 days after my surgery, I am able to have family in my home for Thanksgiving. God is so good. Every year I bake pumpkin bread - my mothers receipe that is the BEST - and I make these mini loaves for people - I just tallied how many I need to make this year - 25. Holy crap, good thing I can make 6 at a time. It's funny though, I was just telling PJ this evening, I'm surprised I feel good about everyone bringing food - I usually like to do all of this myself. This year, I'm just so tired, I'm not finding the baking and cooking all too appetizing and I'm really bummed about that. This is usually so much fun for me, and I'm just so tired - gee, don't know why. ;-)

Speaking of which, gotta go. Tired and healing. I'm so impatient, I just with this would heal so I could get started with these fills so we could get this show on the road here! Patience, patience, patience. Wish me luck at the dr tomorrow - praying for a simple nip/tuck. I mean, who isn't, really.

God Bless

Houston? We Have Eyebrows!!!

First of all, I need to apologize for not posting normally last week - I was really flakey about it. I've been experiencing 'tired' like I have never felt before. This has been nothing like 'chemo tired' - this has been utter exhaustion. This is what 'healing' feels like - and it's frustrating as all hell. I will be all gung ho and ready in the am, set out and ready to be Super Mom 2009 - then come 2-3pm, I can barely keep my eyes open. I usually nap, unless I get busy doing something else which Nancy chastises me for - and when I do, I wake up so refreshed, it's like this is the first time I've been so in tune to my body and what it needs - it's really bizarre. Amazing what sleep and rest can do to a healing body. Heals it - go figure! So anyway, I need to get into a better 'healing' routine is all. I went to blog Thurs night and literally fell asleep in my Lazy Boy, laptop open and all - it was pitiful. I should have had PJ take a picture - pitiful.

This weekend was probably one of the most emotionally draining but spiritually satisfying weekends I've ever had. And even though PJ and I were sitting there this evening at dinner looking at each other across the table just so tired, I thank God that I was finally able to have a BUSY weekend - Woo Hoo! I can't remember the last time I had the physical energy to just be busy.

Friday night my Dad gave us his Sundog tickets (for those of you who aren't aware, we have a hockey team up here in the sticks - they aren't doing real great this year, but it's a blast to go) so we went to dinner and then went to the game. We had a blast and I even had a couple glasses of wine which felt awesome. Sat morning we woke up early and headed down to Phx. PJ went to attend the memorial service for his friend who recently passed away, and the girls and I hung out with my mom and Britt. It was an extremely emotional day for PJ. I wanted so badly to go with him, but then again wanted him to have this time to himself as well. I know he would have asked me if he wanted me there, but something inside be just told me to give him his space with this. I didn't know Scott, his friend who died, I had only met him a couple times. I know PJ pretty well, and knew that HE knew I was here. Then we head back up to Dewey as the Lutheran church was holding a benefit dinner for me and my family, helping us by raising money to pay for medical bills. This is where I gave my testimony. Anyone who isn't clear on what that means, well, it's where you get up in front of people and talk about your spiritual journey and how it came to be. Needless to say, it is a very raw, revealing experience. I have never been one to shy away from public speaking (you're shocked I'm sure) but this was different. I had a nervousness and excitement combined feeling. I was eager to share my story, and scared to death at the same time. But I did it - and it made it easier to know I told my story to a room full of people I pretty much knew. Friends, good friends, all them there in one room. It was amazing. They did video, so once it is all put together, I think I'll post it here for anyone to listen to who is interested. Why not. It felt amazing to share my journey - and although at first I felt like I was just reading it, eventually I was talking, just talking to all these people, like I was sitting in my living room with my best friends, sharing some deep thoughts on stuff. Comfortable. Very cool.

Then today we were back down in Phx after church to have lunch with Sean and Joe, a meeting we've been wanting to have with them for months - damn cancer, just seems to steal all our time away. We wanted to all sit down to discuss PJ and Sean's dad, and the care he needs now with his dementia. I think even though it started out a bit rough, it was a really wonderful experience. We all seem to be on the same page now, which is what we need to make a more conscious effort to tune into and do more often. Time - it just slips away so fast lately.

So who knew how fast eyelashes grew? I can't believe it! If I hadn't mentioned it before, wouldn't it just figure that once I ended my chemo, THEN I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows - but now, they're growing back and I am so thrilled. Funny though, I'm sitting on my bathroom counter this evening with tweezers in hand - plucking them out just as fast as they're growing back in. Hey, they have to be tended to & manicured!!!!

I try to look back and remember how I felt during chemo - and it's really hard to remember. Isn't that strange? I mean, I know if someone brought something up to me about it, I'd remember in a heartbeat, but you really do just put it out of your mind - strange. I'm painfully aware of what looking normal was like, now that I'm starting to resemble that person, somewhat, again. It's almost like I got used to painting on my eyebrows, and thickening up the eyeliner - now I have to learn to do this all differently. Ya know, it's like it's making me care what I look like again, and I really liked not caring before. Isn't that ironic? I hope that I can retain that sense of inner self, and still get excited about using mascara again - because if I could combine the two worlds, I think that would make for a pretty awesome human experience here on earth, don't you? Letting your inner self drive you and just having fun with the physical self. Hmmmm.

As much going as we did this weekend, I cannot complain. We are 'homebody' type people, we need our quiet family time here at home on the weekends to reconnect, regroup, revive ourselves. When we don't get that we (I mean PJ and I) kinda feel like 'fish out of water', lost in a way, like we haven't had time to just sit and take it in. But ya know what? I CAN remember weekends where I couldn't get out of bed because I was that tired, or felt sick during chemo - so I am so grateful and blessed that I had the energy to be busy again. I can feel myself changing as I slowly transition into the 'new' Dina. Whoever she is. I pray I am continually aware of these shifts in my way of thinking, and that I never take these little things for granted, and that just the slightest shift in how you perceive something can make ALL the difference in the impact it has on you, and others. Amazing.

My little Madeline has a runny nose today - I think it's a combination of a number of things, mostly her just being a kid and in school, and us dragging her to and from Phoenix twice in a weekend. I'll keep her home tomorrow if she isn't any better in the morning, she was pretty yukky when I put her to bed, poor thing.


Off to recliner with me now, so hope you all had a great weekend. I just read this and it kinda goes along with what I was just saying:

You will always face trouble in this life. But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter. Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing light.

Pretty cool.

God Bless.

Shhhhhhhh - I'm Cancer Free.

So off to Sedona today for my monthly calcium infusion. I was excited to see my oncologist, and celebrate my path report from my surgery with her. PJ described her as a 'warm hug' whenever we were around her - that is so perfect. She is, my warm hug. It was VERY busy at Az Oncology today - which I found distressing. We were on time, but as it happens there, especially when there are so many people to treat, our appt at 10:15 caused us to not leave till 2pm. Longer day than we anticipated. But, I was out of practice, this used to happen a lot during my treatment, I had grown accustomed to not trying to predict what each treatment experience would hold for me, so I got caught in that trap again today. But this was a bit different. I had a gentleman who was pretty sick in front of me, getting no short of 4-5 different medications to fight his cancer, and a woman newly diagnosed with ovarian cancer next to me, which had apparently spread extensively throughout her body quite quickly. She had lots of family around her, lots of nurses around her, tending to her and making sure she was comfortable - it was her first treatment today.

I felt like I wasn't a part of the 'club' anymore. Part of me wanted to just scream to these people at the top of my lungs "Fight this! Fight this hard - your life literally depends on it and pray, pray your heart out because you can't do this alone!" I found myself feeling like a fish out of water - I had been here before to fight, and not that my fight is over, but it has certainly changed course. I felt guilty to be honest, guilty for being cancer free amongst rooms full of people who were not. It was so awkward. I didn't expect for a minute to feel this way. I guess what I need to remember is how inspiring it was to me, going through treatment, to hear people's stories of beating this thing - so my initial reaction to keep quiet I really need to turn around and speak out, when appropriate of course. I'm not going to skip up and down the chemo aisles singing the "I'm Cancer Free' song - but my husband brought up a great point - there's really no point it dancing around an issue - not in this treatment scenario - time is of the essence, literally for many in this place - so why not just say "Hey - I beat this thing, here's my story, do what these awesome nurses and doctors tell you to do here, tune into your faith like you've never had the guts to do before, and beat this thing. I didn't think I could do it, but I did - and you can to. End of story." We'll see if I have balls big enough to do this next time - we'll see. I thought I had pretty big ones before cancer, Lord look out now.

My oncologist told me today how wonderful I looked - and considering she has watched me weekly for the past 7 months, I take this greatly to heart. She is an angel who has saved my life. How blessed I am. We took a great picture of us together today that we are going to put into the photo montage I've put together for my testimony this weekend. I can't wait to share her with others. She is so awesome.

I've been able to have Ginger hug me while sitting on my lap, it's pretty cool. I've missed feeling her close to me - I've missed that connection. Madeline actually took me by surprise this morning. She walked in on my getting out of the shower. She looked at me carefully then asked me if my boobies hurt. I decided to not draw attention to my surgical sites, just act as normal as possible and just answered her truthfully "yes, they do - but they're getting better". She seemed satisfied with that, and then we talked about this and that, normal 4 year old morning banter. This is usually the only time I have a chance to get air on my chest, because I have to wear this surgical bra 24 hours a day until my surgeon tells me differently. Madeline finally asked me 'mom, can you put your shirt on now?' Bless her heart. I did - I again chose not to draw attention to it, I just put my shirt on and that was that. Interesting. I know she is processing this, and right, wrong or indifferent, I've chosen to be pretty open with this with her - on a level she can understand of course - but I've chosen not to hide this from her. She and I have always had a pretty open relationship, for that to change suddenly would make less sense to her than hiding it. She is a pretty incredible little person.

Off to bed with me now, didn't get my afternoon nap today and that makes me turn in early like an old lady. Thank you to Amy for bringing us dinner tonight - what a blessing. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, what a blessing you all are to me.

God Bless -

Mommy? How are your boobies feelin today?

What an awesome question to be greeted with from my 4 year old as I get her dressed for school today. She is so funny, she asks me this, I tell her that they're getting better, then she 'air' kisses them. She is the best.

I didn't write last night because, well, I didn't have anything to talk about actually - for the first time in a long time. And, although technically this is Wed, I'm calling this my Tues night post, so there will most likely be 2 posts for today. Confusing.

Today was good. I have felt better today than I have since my surgery - so that has been great. I had a doctors appt today w/ my reconstructive surgeon who said I was healing just fine. I had meant to try to describe this earlier, but having surgery on your chest isn't like having something done somewhere else on your body - arg. I don't know if I am going to be able to explain this accurately. Let's see - say I cut my finger real bad - or my arm - and I have to get stitches. I'm the kind that will let a doc do what he needs to do, but I'll turn away, I don't want to watch. Well, when it's your chest - where do you turn? It is so personal, and so quite literally 'in your face' it's wicked uncomfortable. It's like you can't escape your own uncomfortableness - does that even make sense? Case in point, we go to the dr today and I sit there in my paper gown (who designed these awful things!) and in he comes, I open the paper gown and he starts poking my chest - he's seeing if there is any fluid build up since he removed the drains, none - which is great, but whoa - so 'in your face' and OUCH! Wasn't prepared for this. Here's the gross part - my left incision isn't healing the way the right one is, and I have to come back in another week for him to look at this. If it still isn't healing right, he is going to 'clean it out and stitch it back up'. Did that just make your butt pucker? Mine did - yikes! Are you serious? I have a hard time touching my incisions, let alone my dr - now let's add 'cleaning and stitching' to the mix. I think I'm going to throw up. I know, I need to just suck it up, but this whole surgery continues to really skeeve me out - like nails on a chalkboard, it is so strange! I mean, I went through 5 months of weekly chemo and all the wondrous side effects that brings, you'd think this would be a cake walk in comparison - it is not. I'm not liking this at all.

Ok - enough bitching - just know I'm going to vent here about this, and it will be more graphic than the other stuff I've discussed - gotta let it out somewhere. I can't imagine what my 'fills' are going to feel like. Butt pucker again.

I finished writing my testimony tonight and I did a test read through with PJ - at the end, we figured it was about a 10 tissue testimony. We need to get it down to like, half that. Heavy shit. Good shit, just heavy. I'm really looking forward to getting to see and thank this community directly - they've done so much for me.

I baked 6 loaves of pumpkin bread tonight, which is why it's 1am and I'm sitting here typing - but I wanted to get some to my Sedona medical staff, who I am seeing tomorrow for my Zometa treatment, before Thanksgiving. I won't see them again until Dec - so I needed to get this baked tonight. All done, but I am exhausted.

Have a great day tomorrow, and I"ll check back later with news from Sedona.

PJ and I are thinking of just posting the chemo cam in its entirety and not worry about editing it - what do you think? It's like an hour or something, you could fast forward through the boring parts I guess - we'll see.

God Bless -

It Hurts To Be Cold!!

Had a good weekend. My brother in law had offered right after my surgery, to come up and help us out - which he did this weekend and what a blessing it was. He cleaned my ceiling fans - bless his heart. Mostly, I think it meant the most to see my kids love on him. To see my little Ginger hug his leg then ask him to pick her up. And of course Madeline just wants his undivided attention all the time, always has. It is so frustrating to not be able to do stuff - simple stuff like get a cereal bowl or carry the groceries in or get my kid out of her high chair. So I'm going to certainly as my dr at this weeks appointment, when I can start doing more stuff. Rest assured, I've been pretty good about following his orders. No lifting anything more than 5 lb the first 2 weeks (now past - yea!) and no lifting anything more than 10 lb the following 4 weeks. I have been reaching for some things that have felt strained. I never realized how high up I put things I use all the time - very annoying. If I were a shorter person, I would not want to live with me. And to be honest, my body lets me know pretty quickly when I am doing something I shouldn't be doing. So that makes it easy to correct.

I decided I wanted to try to lie down in my bed on Sat - I thought - hey, I think I can do this now! So it took me a bit, but I was able to lie down in bed like I normally do, on my right side. Laid there for about 20 seconds, and the pain started in. Don't think my chest is quite ready to lay sideways yet - so up I came and here I still sleep, in the recliner. Again, I think I'll know when I can transition - just not yet. Doh!

It hurts my chest to be cold. This is the weirdest sensation I will try to describe here. Ya know when you get cold, sometimes you get chills that kinda hurt a little bit? It's like a stinging sensation? Well, oddly enough, this happens to me quite often, and the feeling across my chest when this happens it painful. Not horribly painful, just uncomfortable. Weird thing is, I can't really feel anything on the surface on my breasts, I feel this on the inside. So strange. Wouldn't ya know it - I'd go through chemo in the summer so I'd lose all my hair and it be too hot and sweaty to really wear all the cute hats and such, let alone a wig - then have my mastectomy in the winter when i get cold all the time. We just can't plan these things, can we? Damn cancer.

Church this morning was really great. I won't get into the entire message, but one thing Pastor George said this morning really hit me. He said (and I may be paraphrasing here) God gives us the gift of life; what we do with it is our gift back to Him. I was in tears when he said this. I feel so called to this sentiment - and feel like I am at this crossroads in my life where I am about to take a turn, what turn I don't know yet, but a turn in this realm of thinking. I am so blessed to have this precious gift of life that has been given to me - not once, but twice. I just think this puts our time here on earth in such a wonderful perspective.

The Lutheran church is having a dinner for me this coming weekend, to help us offset costs of this last surgery, and they have asked me to give my testimony. First of all, what an awesome thing they are, and continue to do for me. I am so humbled. I'm nervous about this, and excited too. Nervous I will find the words to properly explain my testimony, and excited to finally have an opportunity to thank all these wonderful people who have shown me and my family such outrageous love. I've been working on my testimony for the last week, and it has been an emotional ride to relive this journey. Amazing though - to think this all has happened, from start to finish - diagnosis, treatment, surgery - all in just under 7 months. Amazing.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and good wishes. Thank you for continuing to feed me and my family. As much as I want to go back to being me, this healing stuff really makes you wicked tired, and the meals help so much.

Have a great week all and God Bless -

Who Am I??

I wanted so badly to just be normal Dina today. I had MOPS this morning and I think I just woke up tired. I'm just so tired. It is frustrating. I had no idea how much healing took out of you, but I can physically feel my body needing rest. So that aided in my strange mood today.

I wish I could explain just exactly how this surgery feels as it heals. I wish it were healing faster too, because I'm really just wanting to be way more mobile than I am. I still have no feeling under my right arm, and it is such a creepy feeling. Good news is my underarm hair is growing back (who ever thought I'd be happy about that) but I only shave one side - because I can't feel it when I run the razor over my right underarm. Sooooo creepy. I still have that moment when I want to just run and hide instead of facing a simple shower. But alas, I take my shower, and am always so much happier when I'm done. It is so interesting to feel this feeling again though - I haven't felt is since my diagnosis of stage IV then again a couple times during my chemo, when it got really bad. The feeling of just wanting to give up, disappear, run away. I can see how easily people can fall into this frame of mind, and stay there indefinitely. This cancer shit is scary enough, the treatment can be ever scarier. For me at least, my children, my husband, my family, my faith - focusing on those things made me turn my running to fighting. I just wonder how may people don't have those things. I recently wrote to the local newspaper here in my community about an article which appeared in the Sunday paper where a woman with ovarian cancer was complaining about all the attention given to breast cancer. It was breast cancer awareness month, and apparently this poor woman was so upset she voiced her opinion loudly in the middle of the supermarket, amongst all the pink ribbons and such. I can't imagine. In a nutshell, I basically wrote that instead of being angry that one cancer is getting more attention than another, why not just be pissed we HAVE cancer in the first place and do our part to raise awareness in our own communities? More so, I felt like this woman was just so full of anger, it was keeping her, or hindering her from fighting this thing head on. I don't think we can approach our disease until we first come to peace with it. Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed, and sad, and angry, and overwhelmed and pitiful (not THAT often!) but I know that those feelings too shall pass, and at the very base of my soul - I am at peace with having cancer. It is just part of who I am now, end of story. Actually - beginning of story, eh? The writer of the article ended up contacting me asking me if she could send my letter to the woman she was writing about, and at first I was hesitant. I didn't want to offend, but I also wanted to make sure she had the community, church, family and love that I had to fight this thing. I felt like, from how she sounded in the article, that perhaps she didn't. So I agreed. Wasn't long after I agreed, that this woman sent me an email. Unfortunately it was full of the same type of ramblings as the article. I don't think she fully comprehended what I was trying to say, which, as those who know me will know, drives me CRAZY! I wasn't comparing one cancer to another, I was simply stating our duties, or what I perceive as our duties, as cancer patients on this earth to raise awareness to all whom we come into contact with. Awareness about our disease, and awareness about what we need to fight this thing - we need not only good physicians, but family, and community, and church, and God - we need faith! I'm telling you we need all these things combined - we can't stay angry all the time, and bitter and 'why me' and expect to fully commit the strength needed to fight. It just doesn't work. So, I haven't responded to her - I'm not really sure how yet. I just feel so bad for her my heart hurts. I wish she had the love and support that I have, I have a feeling she doesn't.

My brother in law offered to come up this weekend and help us out, which is such a blessing. I feel like my poor husband goes from getting beat up at his day job to doing all the heavy lifting when he walks in the door here. I can't bathe the girls, or do any lifting obviously of Ginger, so he has to console her when she cries or fusses (which is a lot lately). I am starting to settle into a different way to interact with her lately though - which is so wonderful. I've been missing the connection with her so much, I didn't realize how much of our connection was physical. But she is getting used to me not picking her up now, and she knows how to crawl up on the couch and lay on me a certain way so I can feed her, or we can just lay on the couch and watch Scooby Doo or something. Madeline actually asked me yesterday if she could see my 'owies'. I told her it was going to be kinda gross and she said 'that's okay'. So, I just lifted my surgical bra so she could look down and she did and made that cold air sound, the sound you make when you see something that makes your butt pucker, ya know? She asked me 'does it hurt mom?!' and I told her that yes, sometimes it does. Then she kissed me on both sides and sat quietly next to me, holding my hand. I just love my girls so much. Anyway, having Sean here will be great - PJ will be able to get some things done outside and I will be able to maybe rest a bit this weekend. Since I had to start taking Madeline to school a week earlier than we all planned, I am just exhausted.

Alright, one more thing I need to bitch about - my eating habits have been for SHIT lately! Now, I am finally starting to be able to taste things again, thank you Jesus! However, I must think this means I get to eat all the bad stuff all the time! I am a stress eater, and I never knew I was. Well, I had a feeling I was, but now I know that I am. Ugh. This is going to make getting this weight off so much harder. Part of me is telling myself not to worry about this until after the holidays, but then I think I should at least get myself on a recumbent bike and work my legs and ass - not like I can do pilates or anything right now - OUCH!!

I am still sleeping in the recliner - which is actually getting more comfortable. Difficult when I wake up at 4am and look over to see PJ and Madeline all cuddled up in my bed, but I'm sleeping much more comfortably. I thought today that I could try the bed - this is so funny. I stood there looking at it and I was like 'yea, I can do this' so I walk over, sit down on the side of the bed, and I knew - as soon as I sat down on the bed, there was no way I was going to lie down. At least, I knew if I did, there was no way I could get back up again. Not yet. So, here I lounge, in this fabulous recliner my mommy bought me. I venture to guess I'll be here for another week - that's about it. What a blessing this chair has been though - wow. So awesome to not have to life myself up that far.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, meals, love and support. Boy, what a journey this continues to be.

God Bless

I love you. Please don't touch me.

I didn't realize how much I greet people with hugs - now that it hurts to do this. At WOW today I realized how painful this is for me right now, and was pretty bummed. Happy though to see everyone and share the great news of my path report and successful surgery. I'll just have to do the 'Heidi Klum' greeting for now, maybe I'll start sporting her accent too just to throw people off. Could be funny.

It's so funny what we learn to accomplish when we are at a disadvantage. I'm sure some may think I'm back up and operating a full capacity since I'm able to take Madeline to school now - but let me give you a quick glimpse of how this simple task plays out now. She has to get herself into the car herself now, which she can, and then she pulls the seat belt so there is lots of it ready for me to buckle her in, since I can't pull it myself for her, the tension in the seatbelt is a strain for me still. Then I get into the car, and have to use my back and thigh muscles to get myself in the seat, not my arms. (this reminds me of that film we were forced to watch in grade school about the woman who had no arms - did anyone see this? She'd like, go to the grocery store in this special chair and she'd check all the melons by thumping on them with her feet - I remember her specifically going tap - tap - tap with her foot on a cantaloupe then saying 'yep - that's a good one!') anyway - I can't steer the normal way, I have to use both hands to turn corners, which is really so funny - I feel like a TRex with their tiny little arms. I am learning to open heavy doors (pre-school doors are extra heavy to keep the wee ones in!) with my feet - it's really amazing. My good friend Jennifer met me in the parking lot today to get Ginger out for me - what a blessing she is. She helped me get her back in the car too - I can't wait till I can pop her on my hip again - if I ever bitched about that I take it all back now! So - needless to say, I am operating on different cylinders than I was before - creative yes, and exhausting. By the time I get home, I can physically feel how tired I am. It feels so good to lay down - put my feet up - most amazing. And if I get about an hour or so rest, I swear I feel my body healing. It is crazy.

Had my second shower, and I am really just starting to love this private time - it is so healing in so many ways. It gives me an opportunity to really get in touch with the physical changes going on, and gives me such a beautiful sense of acceptance and growth. It's hard, but also so rewarding to come through on the other side of this. I still have quite a ways to go, but I think I'm off to a really good start.

Met w/ my friend Lara this evening - and talking with her is always so cleansing. Feels so good to speak with someone who has gone through this whole process already. What a blessing. Talking with her helps me find my sense of humor too - which I in fact have been praying to find more easily as of late. It's working.

My right arm is still so incredibly sore where they took the lymph nodes out, so I need to cut this shorter tonight than usual. My underarm is still numb, which is just the creepiest feeling, and there are still bandages there. Plus the holes where the drains were, although healing nicely, are pretty sore too. I wanted to quickly share something I read today because I felt myself actually doing this today, then I came home and read my devotional and was like "Wow - that is exactly what I was trying to practice today!" So obviously, I was on the right track. I just think we ALL have these days, cancer or not -

"Walk peacefully with Me through this day. You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you. You must traverse this day like any other: one step at a time. Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My Presence and on taking the next step. The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. This is a training opportunity, since I designed you for deeper dependence on you Shepherd King. Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help.

When you don't know what to do, wait while I open the way before you. Trust that I know what I'm doing, and be ready to follow My lead. I will give strength to you, and I will bless you with peace."


Lead away - God Bless

Drain Free and Freshly Showered!!!

Yipee! I'm doing a hurkey jump (trying to imitate the BEST hurkey jumper, my stage husband Greg) to celebrate my drains being removed today at the dr. I can't tell you how freeing this is. AND - that also meant I got to take a real, live with real water shower this evening. I'm starting to feel like a human being again instead of a surgical patient.

OK, so the drains being removed was wicked weird. Get this, my dr grabs hold of it in the place where it is entering my skin, tells me take a big deep breath in on the count of three, which I did, and he pulls out about a foot long of drain. From each side. No kidding. And, when he's pulling it out, I am not watching (on purpose) but feel little needle pricks in a circle motion around my breast area. These apparently circled the area and I'm so thrilled I actually FELT them coming out. I think, although creepy, it's way positive I was able to feel this. On the right side however, since that is where all the nodes were removed, I still have major numbness and a dull lingering pain under the arm. They say they had to sacrifice some nerves and it will all eventually rewire themselves, it will just take time. Very strange feeling though, to not really feel your underarm.

Shower was good. I was really difficult, emotionally, to be in front of a mirror finally completely nude. It's like everything that has physically defined me as female has been fucked with the past six months. My hair, my reproductive organs, my hormones, my breasts. Sometimes that hits me like a load of bricks, tonight was one of those times. I know I spoke of a similar moment my Aunt had when she had her single mastectomy. It seemed to play out in our house this evening. I laid out everything for my shower, and putzed around long enough 'getting ready' I finally had to say out loud to myself 'Just get on with it already dina, jeesh!'. So, off everything came. I just looked in the mirror, my chest looks, well, not cut up - but since they cut around the aureoles, then stitched them up, those obviously are quite shocking to look at. They need to scab then heal. You can see the expander under my skin, it looks like a small deflated kick ball and it looks like it's poking out in spots, my skin is red and irritated a bit in these spots. When you lose your breast tissue, the rest of you looks all out of proportion. So I stood there, looking at my chest, then trying to take it the fact my hair, which is coming in which is good, is still wicked short looking, I have no eyebrows or eyelashes, I could stand to lose about 25 pounds which really shows now with no breasts to hide it, and I just started crying. I felt like I looked like a clown - all this with my painted on eyebrows. PJ stood there next to me, kissed me softly on the cheek and told me how beautiful I was. That I was always beautiful to him, no matter what and nothing was ever going to change that. Amazing. Praise God for blessing me with this man to walk along side me through this.


So I got into the shower, and although long, it felt so great. Who knew how cleansing a shower could be, on so many levels. I have to say though, I'm going to miss PJ washing my hair. He did a much better job than I ever did. ;-)

Much to do tomorrow, and I'm finding I really need my sleep as of late, so off to bed with me. No percocet now, so we'll see how effective Advil is tonight. Thank you to Lisa for bringing us yummy chicken chili for dinner - thank you.

My husband lost a friend of his this past weekend, someone he grew up with since kindergarten. Seems he had a heart attack after performing in a childrens show in Phx. He was 38. For those who pray, I ask for prayer for his family, friends and colleagues. And prayer for my husband, who has worn like, 20 different hats the past six months, all very well I might add. He is an awesome husband and father, and he misses his friend.

God Bless.

Watch It! Or I'll Empty My Drain On You!

Wouldn't THAT be disgusting! I am so ready to be rid of these things, I can't even tell you. To describe as best I can what these are - I have a thin tubing coming out of the bottom of my new breasts that sucks excess fluid from the wounds and it then collects that fluid in a little plastic grenade looking thingy at the end of the tubing - one of these are hanging out of each breast connected fastened to my skin by a suture - and they've been there obviously since the surgery. I empty these thingys about every 4-6 hours. Because they are just hanging there, I have to wear this 'camisole looking thing' that has pockets on the inside to hold the little grenade looking things so they aren't all flopping around and also cuz that would be VERY painful if they were just hanging down. Soooo, to hide all of this contraption under my shirt, I need to wear men's shirts that button down and are bulky enough to conceal all this comfortably - which doesn't really lend itself to being real helpful on the whole 'lesbian' front. Guess all I'm really missing is the Birkenstock, eh? Point is, I get these taken out tomorrow, so I can finally start to wear some of MY clothes, not boys clothes. Looking forward to that, and not having to manage all this 'stuff' under my shirt any longer. Not sure if I'll be able to sleep in my bed yet - I've been sleeping in the Lazy Boy as it's easier to get up and down. We'll see.

Driving Madeline to school this morning was not too terribly bad. I learned real quick I had to turn the steering wheel differently to accommodate the fact that I can't reach to the 10 o'clock/2 o'clock position, but I compensated. Then once I realized I couldn't turn around like I was used to doing to back out of a parking space, I came to the conclusion that today, I drove just like all the people up here that used to drive me CRAZY. I was one of those people today. So, for those of you who get frustrated with people who drive slowly or have a weird look on their face or are being really careful - remember, it could be someone who just had a mastectomy with reconstruction and they are now driving with chicken arms. It could be me. Have patience. God is teaching me patience on a whole new level this week.

It felt good though to get out and be Madeline's mommy. Met my friend for her birthday for coffee, and had the most lovely time. The weather up here is just stunning. This is my most favorite time of year.

I wish I could explain the metamorphosis that is occurring within me due to this surgery. It's like everything I've gone through so far has had it's own set of 'inner growth' lessons to teach me. I never have any idea what to expect, but these spiritual journeys are so amazing. I am so connected to myself, through God, on such a deep, spiritual level. I've let go of the great importance I used to place on the physical, and am driven by my soul, if that makes any sense. Not that I've 'let myself go' or anything like that - quite the contrary - but when I'm out in public, my self consciousness is gone - it's just gone. I can't tell you how freeing this is. I think that is why when I do hear inappropriate things from people, it really shocks me. It's like it takes awhile for my brain to stop and back up for those who 'missed the bus' of appropriate behavior, ya know? Don't get me wrong, I'm not accosting those who know not what they speak - I know we can't all say and feel the right things to all people all of the time, I get that. But I can at least make fun of them for just a little while - then I can forgive them. Right?

Very tired tonight, and my mom and Britt are leaving tomorrow. What a blessing they have been to me here. They cooked dinner and did my laundry for me and took such good care of Ginger while PJ worked. How very blessed I am to have my family here to help me. How blessed I am that my family WANTS to help me. My mom is going to have cataract surgery on Wed so they need to head back down to Phx and get ready to go. I wish I could go down and help her, but alas, no. So I pray.

Hopefully I will have a drain free post tomorrow, wish me luck.

God Bless -

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That!!

Have you ever felt like you became a completely different person just over the course of a weekend? Wow. This weekend was an amazing growth spurt for me - emotionally. First off, let me just say that Halloween was amazing. My kids were awesome, we hooked up with some friends of mine in the housing development across the highway where they actually have sidewalks (on one side of the street anyway) and Madeline was the most beautiful Cinderella and Ginger the cutest Duck you've ever seen. They Trick Or Treated for just about an hour and had a blast. Ginger even got the gist of it herself and walked pretty much the whole time, tightly grasping her plastic pumpkin full of candy. One house I watched from the street, Madeline rang the doorbell, then saw in the long skinny window by the door the man coming to the door and she started jumping up and down saying "they're coming! they're coming!". I suddenly flashed back to being a kid myself and the rush of adrenaline when you saw someone coming to the door - it was so awesome to watch my kids trick or treating. This is really all I wanted to be able to accomplish (short goal obviously) with this surgery, make sure I was OK enough to take my kids trick or treating. And I got to do it - what a blessing.

So - my last post spoke of the unveiling. Well, something happened to me the next morning. I woke up and thought "Dammit Dina, get yourself up and change your frickin dressings yourself. You've going to have to do it sooner or later." So I got everything prepared. My ointment, my gauze pads, got my drains tucked into the sides of my panties and then I thought, why don't you just turn away from the mirror - baby steps maybe. Nope - that same voice said "just fuckin do it Dina - get over yourself - you're still you, tits or no tits". So I did it. And it was hard, but felt really good to do this myself. I took time, looked, touched, examined - then cried. Very cleansing. Then I changed my drains and got myself put together for the day. Looking back at this now, feels like a lifetime ago. I had PJ come in and give me his opinion on one side, cuz it looks creepier than the other side - but I did it all myself all weekend. That felt amazing. Tonight, I feel like an old pro.

Friday night was also a complete emotional meltdown for me. It was really awful. Nancy had to take me to run some quick errands during the afternoon, then I get a call from PJ saying he really needs me home because work is telling him he's 'not doing his job'. So I quickly get home and he ends up having to work on this problem until after 6pm. Now, that may seem like no big deal, and under normal circumstances, it really should be no big deal. But, my emotions are on edge anyway, Nancy had been at our house since 7am and now I realize, I can't tell her to go home and rest because my husband isn't done working yet. It's like it finally hit me, I literally cannot care for my children by myself. I can't lift Ginger at all, therefore, I need someone to help me - all the time. I was an emotional wreck. I knew I needed help before this, I just didn't realize how much. Then to find out my husbands work was telling him what a bad job he had been doing, I just fell apart. My husband is just about the best person I know. He has been working full time while taking care of our children and most of all me for the past 6 months while trying to tend to and deal with his own father and his dementia, all personal shit - I realize this too. But, he works all day, when we have dr appts or something, he works until 3-4 in the morning, weekends, any spare time that is really, always supposed to be 'his' time, is never 'his' time. He's been living on 2-3 hours sleep for too long - and I think it all just finally came to a head. Part of me felt like calling his bosses and saying "Do you realize he's been taking care of his wife who just had her tits cut out for Christ's sake? Trust me, you can't imagine what he has been dealing with here - you couldn't just cut him a little slack this week?" But, as PJ and I discussed, life goes on. As much as we don't want it to, it does. We are going to have to ask for help for even more help for the next 4 weeks, since I can't pick Ginger up for the whole month of Nov and PJ can no longer take the time to take madeline to school. So, starting tomorrow, I will be doing that. I'm totally ready for it - wish I had another week before I headed back out into mom world, but, that's ok. I can take it. I do know my limits, and will just move slowly is all. Once I get these frickin drains out I will feel much better. They are getting a bit painful now, and I'm ready to just be done with them.

My mom and Britt arrived early Sat morning, so that was a blessing. We ordered pizza sat night before trick or treat and mom helped me get the girls in their costumes. So cool to get to share this with her. We had a great time.

I got to go to church this morning, which felt awesome! I praised God for my church family, for a successful surgery and clean path report. I was bombarded though, for some reason today, with a barrage of inappropriate comments. Why does this happen to me? I got this first, "Oh, your hair looks so cute! Are you going to keep it?" To which I replied "Um, I'm just happy to have hair right now!" then they said "On, so you've had trouble?" - What? Ok - let it go, just let it go. Then, this younger man, I think special needs, not sure (we can hope) turns to me, points to his face and says this "So - I had a scare last week! This mark on my face, thought it was skin cancer. Went to the doctor who started squeezing it and out came a couple hairs! Seems they were curly and grew right back into my face!" - What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I felt like pointing to my chest and going "yea, had a scare myself! ended up being cancer with a double mastectomy - i thought it was just an ingrown hair!". Oy.

Then, after we were home from church, my mom and I were chatting while the girls played outside - and let me preface this with a disclaimer because my mom reads my blog faithfully - and how blessed I am to have a mom who 1) knows what a blog is and 2) cares enough about me to see what I have to talk about about every day - but I need to share this because mom, you brought me some amazing insight today, and I love you for it.

I was telling my mom about a friend of mine at church who teaches at the community college up here. She had asked me if I would be interested in coming to speak to her class as they were discussing 'master role' perceptions. (The thing you subconsciously assume about someone you see in passing). Now, when I was explaining to my mom what a 'master role' was, and how she wanted to hear from me on my experience, my mother said to me "because people think you're a lesbian now?" I was stunned to hear this, needless to say, this was the furthest thing from my mind. I replied, "no, I think the fact that I'm walking around with my husband and children might negate that perception". To which she replied "not if you go to Walgreens by yourself". Here we go with Walgreens again, isn't that where that man asked me if I was a man or a woman? Maybe I should switch to CVS? Anyhow, I found myself so hurt by this. Very hurt by this. And I couldn't really figure out why. I mean, I know I can't control what other people think about me, but this meant to me that my mom actually thought this about me - or thought about it enough to assume other people thought this about me. Whereas I have only felt more feminine and attractive as of late, excited to be growing hair, etc. Maybe that's what hurt my feelings so much. I don't know. I don't want to say that I'm offended if people think I'm gay - because gay people don't offend me (bigotry offends me, that's about it), I have very liberal views on this subject, anyone who knows me, knows this about me. But I'm not gay, and suddenly the fact that my mother seemed to feel like I looked like I was, really hurt me. Ironic thing is, since I have been really coming to terms with my physical self the past 2 days, I have never felt more feminine. Isn't that funny? It's like I was just tuning into what 'feeling'' like woman was really all about, from the inside, then I get called a lesbian. Not that lesbians aren't feminine and womanly and all these cool things I'm describing, I'm just experiencing this from a heterosexual standpoint is all. Make sense? In the end, I came up with this - I guess if my mom thinks that when people look at me they think I'm a lesbian - then that's way cool with me. I'd much rather be taken for a lesbian than a cancer patient. Cuz that means they see a vibrant, healthy, strong woman - which I am. I'm take it as a compliment. BTW - the class wanted me to discuss how it felt to have my master role be perceived as 'white woman mother of 2' to 'breast cancer patient, mother of 2'. ;-)

So there's my weekend - heavy shit eh? So of course I need to share with you my devotional from yesterday. It was totally walking me through today. Check this out:

Learn to listen to Me, even while you are listening to others. As they open their souls to your scrutiny, you are on holy ground. You need the help of My Spirit to respond appropriately. Ask Him to think through you, live through you, love through you. My own Being is alive within you in the Person of the Holy Spirit. If you respond to others needs through your unaided thought processes, you offer them dry crumbs. When the Spirit empowers your listening and speaking, My streams of living water flow through you to other people. Be a channel of My Love, Joy and Peace by listening to Me as you listen to others.

I prayed so hard yesterday for that - I asked Him to think, live and love through me. Sometimes it is so hard to hear Him speaking to us, our brains get so full of our own mindless banter.

Haven't gathered all the pics from Halloween yet - will post this week. Hope everyone had an awesome weekend.

God Bless and, oh yea, Go Yankees!!!!!