In the game of Concentration, I just can't seem to find a match.

I wasn't going to post until later, but felt compelled to now. Had a good day today, but real funky afternoon and evening. I'm reminded of how I felt during treatment and how frustrating it was that my inside didn't seem to match my outside. I would feel one way, then look in the mirror and see something completely opposite of the way I felt. I'm finding this happening now. I'm starting to feel back to my normal self again, well, 'new' normal self, but normal nonetheless. But I look nothing like I used to look - and to start to feel normal, and not look what I would categorize as normal for me, is equally as frustrating as it was before. Thing is, when it happened before, I had chemo to blame - now that's over - what do I have to blame now? Maybe I'm in this 'in between' stage, my hair is growing in and I still feel like I look like a lesbian (not that there's anything WRONG with that) and this extra weight that I keep bitching about but I don't seem to want to do anything about either. My girlfriend who went through this too told me that with short hair, there's a fine line between super cute short and sassy cut, butch dike cut, and old lady hair. I'm not sure where I fall into this, I've never had short hair in my life - all I know is I have a cowlick pretty much on the top and it sticks straight up and the products I'm using seem to make my hair look even thinner than it already is. I know, I know, stop bitching - I feel bad for even complaining - this is such a strange transition though - it kinda snuck up on me. Now that everything is pretty much done, I have a sneaky suspicion that shit like this is going to come up and fuck with my head. Like I said before, my brain is starting to catch up with everything - going to be a bumpy ride.

My healing is going along as scheduled - and I'm going to get a bit graphic here - so those with sensitive stomachs should skip this paragraph. So I change the dressings on my open wound on the left side in the morning, and in the evening. This entails soaking a gauze pad in a saline solution, stuffing it into the wound, then covering it with a dry larger gauze pad and taping it down. When we started doing this, 2 weeks ago, it always looked the same. It's about the size of a silver dollar, maybe a little bit larger and about 1 to 2 inches deep. It's exactly where my top used to be. (remember, I don't use the 'n' word) Yuk, I know. It looked kinda, I don't know, scabby inside? Now - it's looking all red and when I take the gauze out to replace it, it is full of this yellow shit - so disgusting. I can feel myself putting this off in the evening until the very last moment - I am just hating doing this. Not enough to quit, I won't stop, I just need to bitch about it here because it's like I go through the day almost feeling like I blend in again (ahhh to blend in again!) then I come home and have to do this and just get reminded of everything is such a 'slap in the face' way. I guess that's a good thing - keeps me real, honest, grateful. Just sucks too, all at the same time. My doc tells me this is the way it's supposed to look. In fact, his exact words were "all red and beefy" - he has a sick sense of humor - thank GOD! Need to tune into mine here I suppose. Trying. Some days are better than others.

So the favorite part of my day today was putting on one of those Christmas movies, Santa Clause is Coming To Town, in my girls room and we all laid down on the floor on a pillow together and watched it. It took me a minute or two to get down there, but I did it, and it felt great. So ready to be back at 100% again. We all shared Madeline's Dora pillow, which was a great sharing time for her - bravo Madeline! I tell her that sharing is hard, and it doesn't really get easier as you get older, you just get better at not showing how hard it is.

So I'm writing this and I'm suddenly reminded of my devotion for today. I read this this morning at coffee with a friend of mine, and I'm surprised at myself I didn't remember this sooner today. Shame on me. This was especially designed for me today, and perhaps it may ring true with others. So check this out:

Problems are part of life. They are inescapable: woven into the very fabric of this fallen world. You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything. (THIS IS SOOOOOO ME!) This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking. Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.

Do not let fixing be your top priority. You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you. Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own. Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern. Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation. Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask Me to show you what is truly important. Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity.

Easier said than done, eh? Well, practice makes perfect.

God Bless -