Who Am I??

I wanted so badly to just be normal Dina today. I had MOPS this morning and I think I just woke up tired. I'm just so tired. It is frustrating. I had no idea how much healing took out of you, but I can physically feel my body needing rest. So that aided in my strange mood today.

I wish I could explain just exactly how this surgery feels as it heals. I wish it were healing faster too, because I'm really just wanting to be way more mobile than I am. I still have no feeling under my right arm, and it is such a creepy feeling. Good news is my underarm hair is growing back (who ever thought I'd be happy about that) but I only shave one side - because I can't feel it when I run the razor over my right underarm. Sooooo creepy. I still have that moment when I want to just run and hide instead of facing a simple shower. But alas, I take my shower, and am always so much happier when I'm done. It is so interesting to feel this feeling again though - I haven't felt is since my diagnosis of stage IV then again a couple times during my chemo, when it got really bad. The feeling of just wanting to give up, disappear, run away. I can see how easily people can fall into this frame of mind, and stay there indefinitely. This cancer shit is scary enough, the treatment can be ever scarier. For me at least, my children, my husband, my family, my faith - focusing on those things made me turn my running to fighting. I just wonder how may people don't have those things. I recently wrote to the local newspaper here in my community about an article which appeared in the Sunday paper where a woman with ovarian cancer was complaining about all the attention given to breast cancer. It was breast cancer awareness month, and apparently this poor woman was so upset she voiced her opinion loudly in the middle of the supermarket, amongst all the pink ribbons and such. I can't imagine. In a nutshell, I basically wrote that instead of being angry that one cancer is getting more attention than another, why not just be pissed we HAVE cancer in the first place and do our part to raise awareness in our own communities? More so, I felt like this woman was just so full of anger, it was keeping her, or hindering her from fighting this thing head on. I don't think we can approach our disease until we first come to peace with it. Don't get me wrong, I still get pissed, and sad, and angry, and overwhelmed and pitiful (not THAT often!) but I know that those feelings too shall pass, and at the very base of my soul - I am at peace with having cancer. It is just part of who I am now, end of story. Actually - beginning of story, eh? The writer of the article ended up contacting me asking me if she could send my letter to the woman she was writing about, and at first I was hesitant. I didn't want to offend, but I also wanted to make sure she had the community, church, family and love that I had to fight this thing. I felt like, from how she sounded in the article, that perhaps she didn't. So I agreed. Wasn't long after I agreed, that this woman sent me an email. Unfortunately it was full of the same type of ramblings as the article. I don't think she fully comprehended what I was trying to say, which, as those who know me will know, drives me CRAZY! I wasn't comparing one cancer to another, I was simply stating our duties, or what I perceive as our duties, as cancer patients on this earth to raise awareness to all whom we come into contact with. Awareness about our disease, and awareness about what we need to fight this thing - we need not only good physicians, but family, and community, and church, and God - we need faith! I'm telling you we need all these things combined - we can't stay angry all the time, and bitter and 'why me' and expect to fully commit the strength needed to fight. It just doesn't work. So, I haven't responded to her - I'm not really sure how yet. I just feel so bad for her my heart hurts. I wish she had the love and support that I have, I have a feeling she doesn't.

My brother in law offered to come up this weekend and help us out, which is such a blessing. I feel like my poor husband goes from getting beat up at his day job to doing all the heavy lifting when he walks in the door here. I can't bathe the girls, or do any lifting obviously of Ginger, so he has to console her when she cries or fusses (which is a lot lately). I am starting to settle into a different way to interact with her lately though - which is so wonderful. I've been missing the connection with her so much, I didn't realize how much of our connection was physical. But she is getting used to me not picking her up now, and she knows how to crawl up on the couch and lay on me a certain way so I can feed her, or we can just lay on the couch and watch Scooby Doo or something. Madeline actually asked me yesterday if she could see my 'owies'. I told her it was going to be kinda gross and she said 'that's okay'. So, I just lifted my surgical bra so she could look down and she did and made that cold air sound, the sound you make when you see something that makes your butt pucker, ya know? She asked me 'does it hurt mom?!' and I told her that yes, sometimes it does. Then she kissed me on both sides and sat quietly next to me, holding my hand. I just love my girls so much. Anyway, having Sean here will be great - PJ will be able to get some things done outside and I will be able to maybe rest a bit this weekend. Since I had to start taking Madeline to school a week earlier than we all planned, I am just exhausted.

Alright, one more thing I need to bitch about - my eating habits have been for SHIT lately! Now, I am finally starting to be able to taste things again, thank you Jesus! However, I must think this means I get to eat all the bad stuff all the time! I am a stress eater, and I never knew I was. Well, I had a feeling I was, but now I know that I am. Ugh. This is going to make getting this weight off so much harder. Part of me is telling myself not to worry about this until after the holidays, but then I think I should at least get myself on a recumbent bike and work my legs and ass - not like I can do pilates or anything right now - OUCH!!

I am still sleeping in the recliner - which is actually getting more comfortable. Difficult when I wake up at 4am and look over to see PJ and Madeline all cuddled up in my bed, but I'm sleeping much more comfortably. I thought today that I could try the bed - this is so funny. I stood there looking at it and I was like 'yea, I can do this' so I walk over, sit down on the side of the bed, and I knew - as soon as I sat down on the bed, there was no way I was going to lie down. At least, I knew if I did, there was no way I could get back up again. Not yet. So, here I lounge, in this fabulous recliner my mommy bought me. I venture to guess I'll be here for another week - that's about it. What a blessing this chair has been though - wow. So awesome to not have to life myself up that far.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, meals, love and support. Boy, what a journey this continues to be.

God Bless