Shhhhhhhh - I'm Cancer Free.

So off to Sedona today for my monthly calcium infusion. I was excited to see my oncologist, and celebrate my path report from my surgery with her. PJ described her as a 'warm hug' whenever we were around her - that is so perfect. She is, my warm hug. It was VERY busy at Az Oncology today - which I found distressing. We were on time, but as it happens there, especially when there are so many people to treat, our appt at 10:15 caused us to not leave till 2pm. Longer day than we anticipated. But, I was out of practice, this used to happen a lot during my treatment, I had grown accustomed to not trying to predict what each treatment experience would hold for me, so I got caught in that trap again today. But this was a bit different. I had a gentleman who was pretty sick in front of me, getting no short of 4-5 different medications to fight his cancer, and a woman newly diagnosed with ovarian cancer next to me, which had apparently spread extensively throughout her body quite quickly. She had lots of family around her, lots of nurses around her, tending to her and making sure she was comfortable - it was her first treatment today.

I felt like I wasn't a part of the 'club' anymore. Part of me wanted to just scream to these people at the top of my lungs "Fight this! Fight this hard - your life literally depends on it and pray, pray your heart out because you can't do this alone!" I found myself feeling like a fish out of water - I had been here before to fight, and not that my fight is over, but it has certainly changed course. I felt guilty to be honest, guilty for being cancer free amongst rooms full of people who were not. It was so awkward. I didn't expect for a minute to feel this way. I guess what I need to remember is how inspiring it was to me, going through treatment, to hear people's stories of beating this thing - so my initial reaction to keep quiet I really need to turn around and speak out, when appropriate of course. I'm not going to skip up and down the chemo aisles singing the "I'm Cancer Free' song - but my husband brought up a great point - there's really no point it dancing around an issue - not in this treatment scenario - time is of the essence, literally for many in this place - so why not just say "Hey - I beat this thing, here's my story, do what these awesome nurses and doctors tell you to do here, tune into your faith like you've never had the guts to do before, and beat this thing. I didn't think I could do it, but I did - and you can to. End of story." We'll see if I have balls big enough to do this next time - we'll see. I thought I had pretty big ones before cancer, Lord look out now.

My oncologist told me today how wonderful I looked - and considering she has watched me weekly for the past 7 months, I take this greatly to heart. She is an angel who has saved my life. How blessed I am. We took a great picture of us together today that we are going to put into the photo montage I've put together for my testimony this weekend. I can't wait to share her with others. She is so awesome.

I've been able to have Ginger hug me while sitting on my lap, it's pretty cool. I've missed feeling her close to me - I've missed that connection. Madeline actually took me by surprise this morning. She walked in on my getting out of the shower. She looked at me carefully then asked me if my boobies hurt. I decided to not draw attention to my surgical sites, just act as normal as possible and just answered her truthfully "yes, they do - but they're getting better". She seemed satisfied with that, and then we talked about this and that, normal 4 year old morning banter. This is usually the only time I have a chance to get air on my chest, because I have to wear this surgical bra 24 hours a day until my surgeon tells me differently. Madeline finally asked me 'mom, can you put your shirt on now?' Bless her heart. I did - I again chose not to draw attention to it, I just put my shirt on and that was that. Interesting. I know she is processing this, and right, wrong or indifferent, I've chosen to be pretty open with this with her - on a level she can understand of course - but I've chosen not to hide this from her. She and I have always had a pretty open relationship, for that to change suddenly would make less sense to her than hiding it. She is a pretty incredible little person.

Off to bed with me now, didn't get my afternoon nap today and that makes me turn in early like an old lady. Thank you to Amy for bringing us dinner tonight - what a blessing. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, what a blessing you all are to me.

God Bless -