I love you. Please don't touch me.

I didn't realize how much I greet people with hugs - now that it hurts to do this. At WOW today I realized how painful this is for me right now, and was pretty bummed. Happy though to see everyone and share the great news of my path report and successful surgery. I'll just have to do the 'Heidi Klum' greeting for now, maybe I'll start sporting her accent too just to throw people off. Could be funny.

It's so funny what we learn to accomplish when we are at a disadvantage. I'm sure some may think I'm back up and operating a full capacity since I'm able to take Madeline to school now - but let me give you a quick glimpse of how this simple task plays out now. She has to get herself into the car herself now, which she can, and then she pulls the seat belt so there is lots of it ready for me to buckle her in, since I can't pull it myself for her, the tension in the seatbelt is a strain for me still. Then I get into the car, and have to use my back and thigh muscles to get myself in the seat, not my arms. (this reminds me of that film we were forced to watch in grade school about the woman who had no arms - did anyone see this? She'd like, go to the grocery store in this special chair and she'd check all the melons by thumping on them with her feet - I remember her specifically going tap - tap - tap with her foot on a cantaloupe then saying 'yep - that's a good one!') anyway - I can't steer the normal way, I have to use both hands to turn corners, which is really so funny - I feel like a TRex with their tiny little arms. I am learning to open heavy doors (pre-school doors are extra heavy to keep the wee ones in!) with my feet - it's really amazing. My good friend Jennifer met me in the parking lot today to get Ginger out for me - what a blessing she is. She helped me get her back in the car too - I can't wait till I can pop her on my hip again - if I ever bitched about that I take it all back now! So - needless to say, I am operating on different cylinders than I was before - creative yes, and exhausting. By the time I get home, I can physically feel how tired I am. It feels so good to lay down - put my feet up - most amazing. And if I get about an hour or so rest, I swear I feel my body healing. It is crazy.

Had my second shower, and I am really just starting to love this private time - it is so healing in so many ways. It gives me an opportunity to really get in touch with the physical changes going on, and gives me such a beautiful sense of acceptance and growth. It's hard, but also so rewarding to come through on the other side of this. I still have quite a ways to go, but I think I'm off to a really good start.

Met w/ my friend Lara this evening - and talking with her is always so cleansing. Feels so good to speak with someone who has gone through this whole process already. What a blessing. Talking with her helps me find my sense of humor too - which I in fact have been praying to find more easily as of late. It's working.

My right arm is still so incredibly sore where they took the lymph nodes out, so I need to cut this shorter tonight than usual. My underarm is still numb, which is just the creepiest feeling, and there are still bandages there. Plus the holes where the drains were, although healing nicely, are pretty sore too. I wanted to quickly share something I read today because I felt myself actually doing this today, then I came home and read my devotional and was like "Wow - that is exactly what I was trying to practice today!" So obviously, I was on the right track. I just think we ALL have these days, cancer or not -

"Walk peacefully with Me through this day. You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you. You must traverse this day like any other: one step at a time. Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My Presence and on taking the next step. The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. This is a training opportunity, since I designed you for deeper dependence on you Shepherd King. Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help.

When you don't know what to do, wait while I open the way before you. Trust that I know what I'm doing, and be ready to follow My lead. I will give strength to you, and I will bless you with peace."


Lead away - God Bless