Ginger! Pick 'er Up! (in the style of SNL - the FUNNY years)

I was literally up till 2am this morning, which is why I didn't post last night - can you believe it? As much as I need to heal and stuff, this parenting gig is still going strong, and the only time I can get shit done is at night - the beat goes on.

I am so frustrated at not being able to tend to my children. It's not just picking up Ginger either - although that has gone from frustrating to borderline outrage. I know I know - it's not forever, thanks - know that - really don't need to be reminded of it anymore. I'm allowed to just be annoyed at this I think. But all the other things I didn't realize I did w/ my kids that I can't do now - tickle, chase around the room (even though I tell them not to run, just figured out that mixed message, oops) cuddle on the couch, have them sit on my lap without guarding my chest like it's gonna break in two - these are the things I would have done WAY more of before this surgery had I realized what a huge part of my life with my children this was. We are, and I am, a very affectionate person. We are the type of family that hugs and kisses a lot, and tells each other we love each other a lot - I'm going overboard on the 'I love you's' lately, can't help it. Madeline has the tone down quite appropriately when she responds with "Oh Mom!" She's 4 - I'm in big trouble.

I was sitting on the couch this evening with my girls, watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the Jim Carrey version which I'm not real fond of to be honest, the cartoon original was fine, they never should have done a remake) when Ginger suddenly squealed with laughter and came at me hands first right on my chest - I can't describe to you how much this hurt. I excused myself once PJ had her, went into the bedroom and just burst into tears. I don't know if this was from the pain, the shock, or the sadness that this is me right now for my kid. Probably a combination of all of them. And maybe I needed a good cry, that hasn't happened for a few days anyway. I found myself praying - praying for continued strength and healing. I prayed for patience - Lord do I need patience. Then I felt kinda guilty for praying for anything right now considering all the blessings I've received already through this journey. Look at all the good that has happened already - how dare I continue to ask for things? Funny thing is, is that is exactly what we are supposed to do. I don't ever 'ask for stuff' like it's a conversation with Santa Clause "I was a good girl this year God, so please cure my cancer!" I don't think it works that way. I think we have to show up and ask for help & guidance in our own pursuit through this life. This is something I went into in depth in my testimony last weekend, so I won't harp on this here - just something I was reminded of this evening as I prayed. Interesting.

Had to take another 'mini shower' this evening. They told me not to take one but we have one of those larger walk in showers where I can not have water hit me directly on the chest - so at least I kinda feel like I'm showering. That's good. I also washed my own hair this evening. I love it when PJ does this, but, I also realized there's something therapeutic about taking a shower and washing the day off of you privately. At least there is for me, maybe it's a woman thing - but this private time is really important to me. It's been frustrating not to be able to take care of myself. This time has been essential for me in the accepting of this new physical self of mine as well - having to tend to it myself, and take care of it myself as done HUGE things for my perspective of what is happening to me.

It's funny, I noticed today, and actually I noticed because someone commented to me recently on my shape. But I noticed people checking me out - which is so completely normal I'm sure. (people who know me, looking at my chest, not like some random guy/girl lookin at me wanting a piece of the lesbian looking woman with eyelash sprouts) I would totally do the same thing. So I'll explain what's going on under here - See, I'm wearing this surgical bra (so God awfully ugly, OY!) and it has pads in it. The bra itself has pockets that these breast forms fit into, and when I first put it made me look like I was HUGE - so luckily you can take some of the filler out of these forms, which I did, and now I feel more normal. Funny thing is, I don't thing I'm wearing this with the forms to look as if I have a shape, I wear them because they feel like this guard for my incisions that are healing. Like this layer of protection. Strange sensation though to have something brush up against the form and I don't feel anything, because it's not me - weird, eh? Hard to explain. Speaking of which, I think the left side is doing ok - I have no idea. We're changing out the dressings like we were told, it doesn't look great, but to be honest, I have nothing to compare this to - so who knows. It looks disgusting to me - and I'm not sure where the healing is going to go from here, we'll have to wait and see on Tues. Right now PJ and I change the dressings, look at each other, shrug, and go about our business.

I'm going to try to sleep in bed tonight - I'm so excited. First of all - I MISS SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND!! It's been a bummer (althought SO needed!) sleeping in a chair next to the bed, makes me feel like some old lady. I had a nap in it today and it seemed to go pretty well. I just have to stay on my back - since I've been that way since the surgery, I think I'm used to it by now. We'll see how Madeline deals with it since she's been sleeping on my side recently. Hmmmm.

Weekend looks pretty normal so far. I'm going to try to get Ginger her H1N1 shot on Sat at a clinic, oh joy. I'm sure I'll have a colorful story of THAT experience come Monday - so tune in for that. Otherwise, church, staying home, all that good stuff. Cooking more pumpkin bread, watching my eyelashes grow, trying to get my hair to stop sticking straight up like Zippy the Pinhead as it grows out - life is good. Life is very good.

Have a lovely weekend all - stay safe out there as everyone gears up for this turkey day coming up.

God Bless -