New Year Enlightenment from a Chemo Chair

This past couple of weeks has been a whirlwind of emotions. Had a lovely Christmas but I must admit I spent most of it enormously worried about my mom. She and Brit came to spend the holiday weekend with us and watching her fight through this chemo is tough. Tough for her, and tough for me. I wish I could fight it for her - there I go again, trying to wear her shit. In any case, she's fighting. Then we packed everyone up and did a 24 hour road trip to Sierra Vista and back for PJ's Gma's celebration of life services. I was worried about this trip - financially and also because of Ginger's recent seizure pattern. Fortunately, God provided us the funds to go (and a broken hot water heater to boot) and I adjusted my car rules to try to accommodate Ginger in making this trip as comfortable as possible for her. All went well, and the service was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. I've never witnessed one of these Catholic masses, it was astounding. What a respectful way to honor someones life.

I then headed to my appt at CTCA on Wed of this week - my 30 day check up. I really didn't think much about this appointment - I was settled in the fact that they would be running my blood work then I would get my calcium treatment and that would be it. I'm really enjoying not being on any medication at all right now. Feel like myself again. I know this will not last forever, the estrogen blocker is on the horizon - but they need to keep me clear of everything until the theresphere takes it's full effect - 12 weeks - so I've got one month to go - woo hoo!!! It had snowed all night the night before, so driving out of town was a bit challenging (thank you PJ for making fun of me skidding down the road), but off I went.

I didn't know how much of my old 'self' I had been feeling - and I didn't expect to address some things at this appointment either. This is difficult for me to write about, difficult for me to face up to - so here it goes. I'm sitting there in the examination room, as I do at each of my appointments. As these appointments usually work, I am scheduled to see my whole team each time I arrive one at a time - my onc, my nutritionist, my natuopath, etc. I didn't see my mind and body therapist on my schedule, and felt like I needed to see him to talk about my mom - so I asked if he could be switched with my naturopath - done. Seems though legally I still need to meet with that guy because I am taking supplements, so we chat and I start asking about my mom's supplements she is currently receiving. Interesting. So then my onc nurse, Amy, who is like someone I have known for years but I guess I've only known here since I started going to CTCA - she says she is filling in for my case worker who is out of the office. This, is not by mistake. I feel WAY more comfortable with Amy then I do with anyone else - which is where an issue now starts to be addressed. I'm talking to my doc and others about my face flushing - it has been flushing for a couple weeks now, on and off, and it's really annoying. My cheeks right under my eyes get burning hot - and I don't know why. Is this a side effect of the theresphere? They check with everyone involved - no. Maybe it's something I'm eating or drinking. What are you eating or drinking? I answer, 'well, I've noticed it after spicy foods, when I drink lots of coffee, and when I drink a couple glasses of wine'. Amy asks me 'how much wine are you drinking?'. I answer 'one or two glasses a night'. She looks at me - she looks at me with the kindest eyes, and says 'no Dina. You have to stop that. That could actually cause a re occurrence and your liver is already working hard enough as it is'. I am sitting there, embarrassed, humiliated and baffled at myself for making this choice. I recall this behavior from years ago - alcoholism runs in my family and I know I have an addictive personality. I fall into the 'all or nothing' category. I take a quick inventory of my behavior and realize this has been a pattern of mine for the past, maybe 3-4 weeks. Taking a percocet and having a couple of glasses of wine - every night. This is how I have been choosing to handle the stresses of my life - and not to defend the behavior, but my plate has been full and it makes sense that this happened I guess. From my husbands father, to my mother, to Ginger's seizures, to me - the list is a bit longer but that's what I've been processing, and now I'm very well aware of the way I've been choosing to process it. Not good. Enter the mind body therapist now, who has been brought up to speed by everyone else on my recent behavior. We talk about my mom, I cry, we talk about my choices in drinking wine so often - and he says something very powerful to me. He says 'I take it there is alcoholism in your family?' I answer yes. He says 'then let's break that cycle here - now - for your children'. Wow. I told him I felt like an idiot - I can't believe I was doing this knowing my liver was trying to fight cancer. He said I was not an idiot - that it wasn't really a choice at the time, it was a behavior. Now that I'm aware of the behavior, it's time to make a choice. I truly felt like this was a mini-intervention - talking about this was the furthest thing from my mind that day - to be honest, I didn't think anything was really wrong. I was lost in my behavior.

So, my onc walks back in and says that the last scan I had last month showed some fluid around my heart. He thinks this was probably due to the theresphere and week long chemo, but wants to do an echo cardiogram just to be sure. Okey dokey. OH - and he looked at my recent TOPS surgery and thinks one side it a little infected. So I call my plastic and he has called me in an antibiotic for me to take for a week. Yay.

I do the echo - then I go up to infusion for my calcium treatment. I have a nurse, Peggy, whom I've had before - she is lovely. They are all - lovely. Are you comfortable, do you need anything, can I order you lunch, something to drink - it's like the Ritz for cancer patients - seriously. Anyway, I don't know how we got on the subject of faith, but I made the statement that I didn't know how anyone can get through this life, cancer or not, without their faith. And she says this "Where else can you go when you get to the end of yourself?" Wow. I thought about this statement all the way home. I am so very grateful that God has placed these people in my path - to lift me up to Him when I get to the end of myself - to care for me - to love me - in the way that they have been called to do. I was suddenly filled with this strength, this will, this readiness to face life with my spirit - and nothing else. I was able to see why I had reached for these things - these things that made everything just fuzzy and out of touch - so I didn't have to 'deal' with it - or I felt that I was dealing with it with better eyes. I was wrong and these people caught me - unbeknownst to me.

So I come home and discuss all this with PJ who is extremely awesome as always. He says he will stop drinking beer, which he totally doesn't have to do - but he says he will. I told him that if this turns out to be like when he stopped drinking coffee for the Fat Smash and turned into a total asshole, that he needed to promise me he would just drink a beer. He agreed.

I read my daily devotional that evening, which of course I hadn't really read in weeks because, well, I just hadn't. I need to share a portion of this - I know we can read something relevant into just about anything, but this is just freaky:

'Sometimes, all I think about is what I can't control. I focus on the problem and the unfairness of the situation. Even though I've prayed, confessed my needs and presented my resources to Jesus, I stay focused on what I can't do. It's a pretty limited view of the situation.

I somehow forget that I'm standing next to the One who can feed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish - and have leftovers! Sometimes, instead of doing what God has placed in front of me, I do nothing.

Perhaps, instead of wringing my hands with worry, I need to get busy with what I can control. There's always something I can do to bring order to my situation. It's not a distraction technique, it's an act of faith. Jesus is still in the business of miracles, and I definitely can't do those.

Dear Lord, forgive me when I focus more on my own limitations rather than Your power. There is nothing too great for You. Help me to turn my thoughts away from what I can't do, to what You have placed in front of me. I trust You to do the rest. In Jesus' Name, Amen.'

I was listening to this radio station on the way down to Phx that day and they were talking about New Years Resolutions. They were choosing to use a word instead. Come up with a word - a word that describes what you want to try to accomplish within yourself for the year. That word can be a type of 'mantra' for you throughout the year. After much thought, it just has to be TRUST for me. I feel like I've got a pretty good start on this word, but it needs some serious tending to. Tall order. But I've got a word I can focus on this year. Totally excited to get started.

Happy New Year and God Bless -

Wear Your Own Shit

So I truly believe it was something spiritual that gave me this image the other morning, as a way of defining what I have been feeling this past week. I will try my best to explain this here.

We all have our own shit going on - all of us. You can't compare that my shit is worse than your shit - it's all relative. To US - it is the most important. Now think of all this shit as clothing - like we all have our own situational closet full of clothes - wearing what the day tells us to wear more than likely, rather than CHOOSING what to wear and making the day what we CHOOSE to make it, as God teaches us. Anyway, I digress. It seems I have been trying to wear other peoples clothes again. I try their shit on, pry myself into it, find myself swimming in it - in the long run, it just doesn't fit - why? Because it's not mine. It's not mine to wear - that's why it feels uncomfortable, which then leads to anger, frustration, irritability. I put peoples clothes on and think I can MAKE them fit me - so I can fix it - then give it back. Problem is, if my some means of a miracle I was actually able to fix it and make their clothes fit me, then when I went to give it back, it wouldn't fit them anymore. It is the hardest thing to do sometimes to just walk your own path, wear your own shit. I think sometimes I DO want others to wear mine, then I won't have to. It goes both ways. Point it, we have our own shit that we need to wear, figure out, and choose to deal with. I am the ever longing 'fixer' type of person, so this is especially difficult for me. I must learn how to support people as they wear their own shit, and respect them on their journey, and certainly get back to wearing my own. I suppose SHIT is a strong word to use, perhaps it should be LIFE or STUFF or something like that, but this is just what came to mind.

So, back to my shit. I spoke w/ Ginger's neurologist yesterday and we are going to schedule a MRI. It was a wonderfully comforting conversation, which in the end he stated that he did not have the eyes to look inside her brain and see why this was happening to her, but this test would give him those eyes. Fair enough. Until then I am finding myself being a 'hovering mommy'. Not really feeling bad about it either.

I am healing well I guess, we are heading to phx today for my f/u. One side kinda looks like its half dead tissue or something (the left side of course, the side that has protested this all along screaming THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME!!) so we'll see what he says about this. I'm bringing both girls w/ me again, so this always proves to be interesting. Fighting a cold right now too - just trying to get sleep at night, yea right.

Despite the STRESS that seems to live in my house right now, I am trying to be present in these days leading up to Christmas. I am a Christmas crazy kind of person, and I am turning my girls into the same. PJ? Not so much. Oh well. These days are gifts I am reminded this morning. I wake up and continue to thank God for the life I have been blessed with - and to soak each moment up as much as possible.

This past year was so different than the year before with this disease - I can only imagine what is to come. What I do know is my kids fight over which side of mommy they get to cuddle with - and ya know what? If my days are filled with breaking up those kinds of arguments - then I'd be silly to not wear my own shit - it actually fits quite nicely.

God Bless

The Price We Pay for Teacup Piggies

So - surgery was Friday and it went just fine. So glad to not have to go back under the knife again for any of this reconstruction stuff anymore - Praise God!!! My good friend Jennifer took me down for my surgery and drove me home - we had a pretty good time actually. Funny how a surgery can also decoy for some well deserved 'girl talk time' in the car. We had a great time, laughed a lot - and she is an absolute angel for doing this for me - a week before Christmas when everyone is running around like crazy people. What a gift our friendship is to me.

So - I have these 'caps' taped to my boobs that seem to be holding on my newly formed 'nips' we shall call them. This is hysterical - so get this - at the pre-op - I tell him I don't want them very big and he says to me ' oh they are going to be pretty big so don't freak out'. Wha? I was like 'what do you mean BIG - like thumbs? what is big?' He says 'no they are going to be just kind of tall - they shrink though so don't worry about it. It's easier to make them smaller than it is to make them bigger'. Hmmmm. Now, I'm not sure how he did this, this is the problem with going to these dr appts on my own now, is it is difficult for me to remember everything that is said or explained, mostly because I have my kids with me now - but what I think I remember him saying is he was going to cut into my own skin and gently form this 'nip' out of my own skin - not the scar tissue as I had originally thought - just above it actually. He said this was the easiest out of all of the surgeries and that I could basically go back to doing everything I did before on Monday - sorry to say that I had a full weekend schedule this weekend, so I probably pushed it a bit too much. Again, week before Christmas - lots to do. Thus my title. My surgery was at 3:30 in the afternoon on Friday and yesterday I was at the Prescott Armory helping to sell raffle tickets at noon for our MOPS fundraiser. Was there till 4 then made the trip to the church to store the raffle items, met PJ at the mall with the girls where they saw Santa (precious!) then when I realized that the only Toys R Us up here had run out of Teacup Piggies (something Ginger really wants this year) I go gallivanting on to Walgreens while PJ takes the girls home to see if they still have any because I vaguely remember seeing them in a display but had Ginger with me at the time and couldn't do anything about it. Again with the frickin Walgreens - what is it with me and this place!!!! So a lovely woman who works there finds it for me - way on the top shelf and I am thrilled - I go to reach for it and feel something wet run down the front of my belly. Yep - I'm bleeding now - great. I excuse myself by saying I just had surgery yesterday and could I please use the bathroom as I was having a little problem. Luckily I indeed have the best hubby in the world who told me to pack gauze and tape just in case, which I promptly whip out and begin to bandage up my seeping wound. It wasn't that bad - more scary than anything else. But I must had been in there awhile because she came in asking after me. The point is - I got the Teacup Piggie for my Ginger. Hurrah! And I drive home beating myself up for pushing it way too much yesterday - shame on me. Now I'm just hoping I haven't caused one of my newly formed NIPS to just fall off. Pray Dina, Pray. Pray for the NIP to stay intact - please. This is the end, so don't f)(*ck this up!!!!

I come home and assess the situation, and it continues to bleed throughout the night, not heavy, but I did change the bandage twice before I finally went to bed. So yea, I was a little concerned. I also know I have another full day today - with a huge church service at our church marking the 140th year in existence, a rehearsal for Madeline who wants to be in the Christmas Pageant and then she and I are supposed to have 'girl time' and have our nails done - which sounded fine at the time, but now just sounds horribly stressful to me. I figure I'll be fine as long as I just don't move around too much and keep people from bumping into me or hugging me.

Without going into specifics, I just need to vent here a bit. The past week of mine has been filled with such a roller coaster of emotions I feel like I'm swimming in random feelings. From a heated discussion with family about PJ's father, to a heated discussion with my mother about her care and well being, to my surgery, to my pushing my own limits and not taking the best care of me once again, to feeling stress with our home church then it all comes to a head this afternoon with Ginger having another frickin seizure out of nowhere then my husband and I at each others throats this evening - when we should really be embracing each other in this 'fear' of ours instead of fighting each other. Even through this whole stupid cancer thing, I think I have subconsciously always felt like I have maintained some sort of control - I have been painfully mistaken. I feel so out of control right now, I don't know which way is up. I think I am trying to hard to be so many different things to so many different people, I am starting to go a little crazy. I watched my little Ginger with this seizure today and just felt like screaming ENOUGH!!! THIS IS ENOUGH!!! Then once I had her in a good place this evening and my hubby and I went at it I literally felt like running out the door and just running down the street screaming. I just feel like I'm about to burst - do you ever feel like that? Like you are just about to explode? I can hear God's voice - I can hear it, way off in the distance, telling me to trust Him, to give it all over to Him - but it's so hard - especially with your family - with your KIDS for Christ's sake - to simply hand it over - so hard. I was starting to think this surgery was just poorly timed, but I didn't have a choice really, my deductible refreshes at the first of the year and I would really, really really like to have a year without any surgeries - wouldn't that be nice? Now I have to get on the horn and start making calls about my Ginger - my sweet little Ginger who has now had 6 - 6 seizures in the last year and 1/2 - and I have no frickin idea why. No fever this time either - the last 3 were a complete mystery. I call the pediatric neurologist tomorrow. Please keep little Ginger in your prayers, if you pray - I just want some answers.

I don't mean to bitch here - I guess I just have a lot on my plate at one time here recently - and perhaps I'm handling it poorly. All I know is that my instinct is to come at things with Christ like eyes - to try my hardest to be the best person to everyone around me - to show up for each other. Sometimes lately I've felt like all I get is a big slap in the face, but I guess that comes with the territory. I'd rather be that positive person who more often than not is misunderstood and misread, then the bitter asshole sitting off in the corner.

Wow - sounding off a lot here - sorry for the rant, but then again, that is exactly what this blog is for. Still trying to fight cancer here too BTW - oh yea, that little ditty. I have attached a pic of what my recent surgery created - it looks pretty 'gross' as Madeline described - I get to finally take a shower tonight, so I'm going to go and do that. Doc said 'if the caps fall off, just stick em back on again. Let' s hope that doesn't happen. Yikes. This is so strange because I can't 'feel' anything - so strange.

Something the Bishop said at this mornings service has stuck with me today - amidst all of this BS going on in my life - that we were all created with a God shaped hole which needs to be filled. What an awesome image -

God Bless

I get new tits AND hair for Christmas this year!!!!

So - last week was a bit rough for me. The Elizabeth Edwards thing hit me particularly hard - I couldn't help but compare myself to her - but I'm finding on this journey - we breast cancer patients seem to want to 'have our cake and eat it to' when it comes to this kind of stuff. It makes us feel good to compare ourselves with stories of people who beat it or are surviving it - then when we lose someone to the disease we spend all this time trying to convince ourselves we are on our OWN journey and that is very individualized. Funny thing is, no matter if the story is good or bad, we are still all on our own journey regardless. Hard to remember that sometimes. In any case, my heart breaks for those children who were robbed of a mother this early in their development. She didn't deserve this, and neither did her children. Wish her hubby would have shown up for her in a better way this last year of her life, but then again, this is not for me to judge. Not there when the lights are out - that was their private life, and I just pray she found some sense of peace when it came to her family unit at the end.

Speaking of robbing, my husband and I were just speaking the other night of what this disease has robbed us of - as a couple, there are many struggles. Again, I think it is ironic that breast cancer just seems to rob you of everything feminine about you - it certainly makes you dig deep within yourself to find the real you, and get real familiar with that part of yourself. I realized I had tied much of what I thought was "ME" in a bunch of superficial bullshit - this disease just strips all this down and make you stand there, 'naked' in a sense, in front of the mirror and asking the question 'who the hell am I?'. Similar to when you quit smoking or break a bad habit that you tied a huge part of yourself to - difference is with smoking, that is a choice to quit - cancer? Not so much. In any case, my hubby and I were listing how different we are now, and how we wished we would have taken advantage of what were were before this disease took hold. I'm talking sex, having another baby, stuff like that. Funny how I start to feel guilty when we speak like this, as if it was my fault this happened or something. There I go, trying to control everything again. Arg.

I'm feeling great though - I go for my final reconstruction on Friday so I'm curious to see how that turns out. PJ needs to work that day so my lovely friend Jennifer is accompanying me to have my 'tops' created - not many people you can ask to that strange event, eh? 'Hey Jen - would you mind driving me to the hospital to have my 'tops' recreated?' Nice. I'm excited to finish this, considering this time last year I was sitting here with infected expanders, fighting it with antibiotics and pain meds, headed to the Polar Express trying to make it through Christmas - we've come a long way baby. AND - so glad I decided to get back on the horse so to speak with this reconstruction thing - what a huge subconscious difference this has made for me, thus, my husband and our relationship. It has made a difference in who I wake up as each day, as corny as that sounds. It was definitely the right decision for me - not everyones choice, but for me, definitely good.

I'm starting to finally try to make long range plans. For the last 2 years just about, I've been living week to week - literally. I wasn't even aware I was doing this, but I was. Now, I'm starting to really change my attitude and look towards the future and make plans. Nothing extraordinary, just simple stuff like what we want to do for our summer vacation next year, stuff like that. Whereas before, I would never have looked that far into the future. Feels good - I am always prepared to make changes if necessary, but it's nice to finally feel comfortable to let my mind wander this far.

I talk to God and Jesus a lot - everyday. I interchange them actually, mostly Jesus I guess if I had to choose, He and I just feel like old friends sitting on a couch sipping a glass of wine together, which, when I have kids in my minivan after school and they are screaming for more Michael Jackson, comes as a breath of fresh air if I can channel in correctly. Anyway, He and I had a good conversation recently about people. I consistently expect people to just think the way I do. It isn't even a conscious decision, but I have been finding myself more aware of this a lot lately. Then, when I realize they don't, even when I try to explain it further, they STILL don't think the same way I do - isn't that just a pisser!!! I get so frustrated. Jesus reminds me to remember when this happens, that my life experience is something few people will ever be able to grasp, and it has given me such a gift of viewing life in such a different way, I can't expect people to get it, most people just don't. The best I can do is express my point of view, and let God do the rest. Wow. That is hard, but I hope if I keep this at the forefront of my brain, it will eventually get easier.

Off to my pre-op appt in Phoenix this afternoon. I'm bringing both kids w/ me - and called the dr office to warn them. I have found that if they are running behind on appts when I arrive with children, amazingly enough - I am just in and out in no time at all. Hmmmm - go figure. :-)

God Bless -

Where is the love????

So - to bring you up to date - Madeline's procedure last week went GREAT! Well, as great as putting a catheter in a 5 year old can be - she handled it like a trooper and was her brilliant self - she did get serious with me for a moment at the end while we were getting her back into her street clothes 'mom - I don't ever want to do that again'. I told her that I really wished we wouldn't have to and how proud I was of her. We then skipped off to Five & Diner and had a fun lunch together. These moments teach me so much - kids just deal with things as they happen, then when it's over - its over! They don't relish in it or re-tell it a thousand times - or complain (yet!) - what a lesson she has taught me.

Weekend was fun as I had a friend come and visit me from NY - I hadn't seen her in some time and I had a bunch of holiday stuff planned for she and I and the girls as PJ was out of town on his elk hunt. Little did I know she converted to Jehovah's Witness a couple years ago. Needless to say - AWKWARD! But I guess it all worked out fine and we ended up having a fun visit. I think she was ready to go though - I don't think she quite expected the loudness of having little ones - and they were loud. God Bless them. My house and girls are Christmas CRAZY - Christmas threw up in my house - it's obnoxious.

So - I am feeling great - and so happy about my results last week - just been feeling full of hope. Finally got back to the gym today, and maybe it's just today, but I felt like people were looking at me like I just pushed a grandma into the street or something. Weird. Just a 'not so friendly feeling' today in the gym. And, the news is filled with this Elizabeth Edwards story - the jist of it is, her breast cancer has returned and this time is has returned on her liver so she is not seeking any further treatment and according to the vast news reports - she has her family gathered and has weeks to live. Now, let me just say that I have such mixed emotions about this. I'd be lying if I didn't say it spooked me a bit - because it does. But, I've been trying to find out what KIND of breast cancer she has and I can't seem to find out. I also have read that she is physically not in a real good place, so perhaps theresphere isn't an option for her. These news reports are just chuck full of stats on metastatic breast cancer, and I keep reminding myself that you can't apply a statistic, which is a figure based on thousands of people, to an individual - it just isn't matching apples with apples. My instinct upon hearing this this morning was to find an email for her and plead with her to try theresphere - why isn't anyone bringing that up to her?? Then I think of the crap she has had to deal with this past year, and wonder, how much of her time was really able to concentrate on fighting this thing? With a husband who admittedly had an affair and a child with another woman - I can't imagine what that would do to a woman, let alone, the whole frickin world knowing about it. Bottom line, it is impossible to fight this thing without people in your corner, specifically, your family. This story has brought this to the forefront for me today - how blessed I am to have the loving husband I have, the amazing children I have, the most awesome set of parents in the world (that includes you Nancy!), and a community of friends that has reached wider than my wildest dreams. You - you all make it worth the fight, your love and support make it easier for me to do this - what a blessing you all are. I thank God each and everyday for the people He has specifically placed in my path - you are all precious to me and I thank you.

I don't know what the deal was at the gym today - tomorrow I'll wear my t-shirt 'Yes they're fake - my real ones tried to kill me' and see what that stirs up. :-)

God Bless -

I Was In The Pool!!!!!

Pardon my random Seinfeld reference, but ladies and gentlemen, we have shrinkage. Yes. Had my appt today at CTCA and after a PET, CT and Xray - here is the diagnosis right from the page:



The patient has known hepatic metastases. In the left lobe of the liver near the dome of the diaphragm there is a 2.8cm lesion which is slightly smaller that on the prior study. Previously this measured at least 3.1cm. Currently maximal SUV (this is metabolic activity) as decreased and is 6.04. Previously this measured at least 9.59. The central portion of the lesion appears to be necrotic (this means dead). The second lesion in the right lobe of the liver is vague in outline and appears to be necrotic (this means dead). This has a maximal SUV of 5.03 and previously measured 7.64. This is compatible with response to therapy.

Hallelujah!!! Thank you Jesus! This is the first time since this shit came back that I was headed in the 'shrinking' direction, much less the 'dead' direction. I can't tell you how happy I am. I was so at peace heading into this today - not anxious, not afraid, not stressed. Just at complete peace. It was lovely. Everything went so smoothly today, and this news just brought me to tears. It was nice to have my mom by my side when they told me - how blessed I am to have her by my side just in general. What a gift.

They want to see me again in 30 days where they will do a physical exam and a blood draw then, I think I go through another series of tests the end of Jan. I remember one of my nurses when she was explaining Theresphere to me in the very beginning that I would see some results in 3 weeks but the real results would come in 12 weeks. What a joy though, to know this, and to know I don't have to be on anything for awhile. I think that is what I'm most grateful for, not having to take any drugs. What a Christmas gift I've been given. What a gift.

I have to say something really quick about the Comedy for a Cause benefit put together by my good friends, Travis and Carolyn. This was last Tues night, and I can't even begin to tell you how amazing this was. To see all these amazing people, and to laugh like I haven't laughed in I can't remember when, was such a gift. The $$ raised for us was mind blowing, and I once again am so humbled by how good people are - really, truly, good people. I can't thank all these people enough, especially Trav & Carolyn. I know it's wicked corny, but I keep having that line from Sound of Music go through my head - 'for somewhere in my youth, or childhood - I must have done something good'. Indeed - I must have. Wow.

I have to get up tomorrow and head down to Phx again - this time for my sweet Madeline. She is having some tests done to make sure her kidney function is working properly. Long story short ( and it is a long involved saga) she had a fever with a UTI a couple months back and they want to make sure she is OK sa this is a red flag for possible kidney issues. So here's the kicker - she has to have an ultra sound and a catheter inserted tomorrow. A 5 year old with a catheter. I am just beside myself. I am praying tonight for peace - and that I'll kick into MOM GEAR real quick tomorrow. It just hurts my heart, quite literally, to even entertain the possibility of her getting hurt, or something yukky like this having to happen to her. But - God always shows me the way, and he gives me the words to say when I am at a loss. Please, think of Madeline tomorrow. I told her when she is done we can go anywhere for lunch that she wants. She has picked ice cream. Shocking.

I am really sleepy, so I will try to post more later this week. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts - so much.

To Wear a Bra, or to Not Wear a Bra? - That is the question.

My last batch of pumpkin bread is in the oven tonight. This year I only had to make 4 batches. My mothers recipe, which I've been making since I can remember, is to die for. It is awesome. Funny, even though my house smells of Thanksgiving to me, my mindset is so completely different this year then in years past. It's not that I'm a Bah Humbug - don't get me wrong - I luuuuuv this time of year - it's just I can't be bothered this year. I used to go crazy making pumpkin bread, cheese logs, chutney, all this traditional stuff for people before the holiday - and this year, I just don't want to. I just want to be with my family on Thanksgiving, perhaps not change out of my pajamas till way late in the day, and just enjoy each other. Can't really be bothered to stress out or cook till the wee hours of the night. Maybe next year I will feel differently, but for now, this just feels right. I've got everything for our dinner, and I will cook that - totally no big deal, but I ordered my pies this year - I never do that. AND I think, now this is kind of embarrassing, I think I'm going to go for the Country Crock refrigerated garlic mashed potatoes too - I have NEVER done that! I just want the easy way out this year, don't want to work that hard. Maybe I'm just tired. Gee, I wonder why.

So I'm feeling good - although I got super tired by the end of this week. Yes, I probably pushed it a bit this week - trying to do too much, but I haven't felt this great in awhile and it feels so good to feel, well, good! My blood counts are great, I have them checked every week until I go back on the 30th for the series of tests to see how the theresphere took - so I am thrilled about that. I had refused the Nulasta shot at CTCA - I hate them - they make me feel like total shit - so I refused it, trusting my blood counts would be fine without it - and YAY! they were! I took Madeline with me this last time and had her watch me get my blood drawn - little 'teachable moment' for her. I overheard her talking about it with PJ during bath time tonight - she was confused at how my blood was coming out into this tube then it just stopped - he explained how our bodies know how to stop the bleeding after applying pressure. Then she said "And Jesus helps heal too dad". He agreed. Pretty cool.

Mentally I think I'm doing ok. Me deciding to move my care to CTCA has done more for me mentally than I anticipated. Not that I have a false sense of hope or anything, I just feel like I have this huge team of people focused on healing me - in a very clinical, focused, professional way. Not that I didn't have that kind of care before, well, actually, I didn't have a team before - I was trying to assemble my own team PLUS deal with this disease which was a nightmare - but - this is just different. The kind of experience I am having through this is what every person diagnosed with cancer deserves. CTCA has given me another layer of fight that I that I didn't know I needed. But I did. I have finally started believing that there is a real possibility that I can beat this thing - finally. Not that I didn't before, but I always had this 'when will the other shoe drop' kind of mentality. I was positive, but subconsciously just waiting for it to drop. Now, just logically looking and what has been done to me medically, it brings me to tears because there is a real and tangible chance that it's gone on my liver. I believe that it is gone. I have to. My spiritual journey supports this in amazing ways. Sometimes I can't even find the words to describe it - just amazing.

We had my father in law for the weekend. We try and have him up here with us a at least a weekend a month - when my stupid cancer doesn't get in the way. He is 61 and has Alzheimer's. He is the sweetest man - and I watch him and think, does he understand what is happening to him? And I don't know what to wish for for the answer to that. I look at myself and think - well, at least I know what is going on and have choices. A lot of people don't get that chance in this life. But then I look at him, and it breaks my heart to think he very well may know that he is changing in his mind, and can't do a damn thing to stop it. Please, keep him in your thoughts and prayers, his name is Paul.

The Comedy for a Cause benefit is coming up on Tues and I am excited and feel weird about it all at the same time. Excited to see these people I haven't seen in years, then weird about people doing something so nice for me. Still so uncomfortable for me to be OK with people doing things for me. But glad that we are there to laugh - because that is what even my therapist at CTCA ordered for me - more laughter. I just hope I don't cry too much (yea right). I thought I cried a lot before I was diagnosed - now? Anything really - I was crying at frickin Michael Jackson 'This Is It' movie tonight. Oy. I should just throw a box of Kleenex in my purse now.

OH! So I've decided to go ahead with the final stage of my reconstruction and my final surgery is on Dec 17th. Now, I thought long and hard about this and I decided to finish because I would like to look down and see something other than a long scar across my new fabulous boobies. (they are fabulous by the way - ask PJ - WOW - totally love them) Now, he is going to make 'tops' (remember, I don't use the N word - total yuk word to me) then he puts these little cap things on that I keep on for a week or so so they don't fall off (not kidding) then I go back in when I'm healed and they tattoo on the areola. Now, because I don't like tops very much, I'm not going to ask him to make mine very big - AND I was thinking of having my areola tattooed on in like a star shape - hmm? I wonder if I'll be able to pick from a book or areolas like an areola mug shot book or something. Hmmmmm. Hey - everything is worth it if you get a good story - and this my friend, will be the best story of this whole reconstruction journey. This time last year I was packing my open wounds from my incisions not healing correctly. Wow. An entire year ago - I can't believe it. So glad though I went this route. I told my plastic surgeon when I was in last week how grateful I was for him and what he has done for me. I told him that I seriously didn't think I wanted to continue after the double infection, that that experience for me was bad, really bad. But I didn't know what a difference it would make to have the reconstruction done - more mentally than anything else. It has given me my sense of femininity back on a level I wasn't even aware of. This disease robs you of all your femininity - from your breasts, to your ovaries, to your hair, to your dignity. To get a little bit of that back feels way better than I thought it would. I told him that what he does matters, and that I was very thankful for him. So true.

Well, my hubby starts his new job tomorrow - we are so excited. I will go and offer to iron his shirt for him, which he will politely decline. He knows better to have me touch an iron. Smart man.

God Bless -

A Proud Card Carrying Member

So I've acquired quite a collection. Let's see, what cards explaining devices in my body are currently in my wallet - my port, my breast implants, the star closure device used to close my artery for the mapping, and now the 'angio-seal' device used to close my artery for the theresphere procedure. Part of me wants to run down to the airport to see if I set off any alarms - ooooh yea, especially now since you basically get strip searched. Yay. I can't WAIT to travel sometime soon.

So, I have been home sweet home for a week now. My loving husband came down on Sunday and spent the night, then when I went for what I thought was my last treatment on Monday (that would have been day 6) they said all I needed to do was get a flush (that's kinda cleaning my port) and be on my way. GTFOH!!!!! I was so frickin happy, I couldn't believe it. I wish I had known on Sunday that that had been my last treatment - I think I was just so in the 'zone' down there - like subconsciously 'putting my head down and just doin it' kinda thing - that I didn't realize how happy I was to hear that I was actually done. So my awesome nurse flushed me (that sounds wrong) and sent me on my way. I went directly to the chapel, got on my knees and thanked the Lord for seeing me through, and thanking Him that is was over. I was in tears - tears of joy, tears of just complete joy in my heart. Then I went to my room, gave PJ the good news and we got the hell outta there!!!

I came home to the most wonderful of homecomings. My beautiful daughters, they wouldn't leave me alone and I couldn't soak it up any faster. Lots of hugs and kisses. My mom, niece and aunt had taken such good care of my kids - I am so blessed. Now, the rest of last week was pretty painful. I have never experienced such stomach pain in my life - it was awful. I was constipated again (when am I NOT as of late) but this time it was effecting me differently. Anything I ate, almost immediately gave me horrendous stomach cramps. So, I got a little advice from my CTCA friends - get this - if you ever need to get things moving, and moving quickly, here's a sure remedy: warm prune juice with miralax. Yes, disgusting, but sweet Jesus the relief of a lifetime. I won't get any more graphic, let's just say yes, it worked. It really wasn't until this past weekend though, like late Sat and Sunday that I have felt almost completely back to normal. Today especially, I have felt completely awesome - wasn't tired in the middle of the day even, and I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired during the day. Needless to say, I am jumping with joy. Was able to go to the gym today, run a bunch of errands w/ Ginger, just had the best day. Felt like a normal mom.

My hair is still coming out. It's shedding - I don't know what the hell this is about. I haven't had adrymiacin forever now it seems - plus I only had 4 small treatments of it - but it still must be doing it's thing - or the remnants of it are still hanging around. I dunno. Seriously considering the yamica (sp?) thing though - seriously.

Here's some really great news that I can finally share - my husband got a new job. Can you believe it? Now - if THIS isn't God, I don't know what is - because he got this amazing new job, working for an amazing local company, at the pay we could afford. We had to take a cut, but we really think it is WAY worth it - on so many levels. It all went down in a week - seriously, 1 week and he landed the job. First of all, I knew my husband was amazing, and I knew that other people would think he was amazing too if they could only meet him. We all know that if someone tells you you're a piece of shit long enough, you start to believe it - and that is what his current employer had done to him over the years. Just no pleasing them. His current job did though, allow him to work from home, which helped us so much over the last year and 1/2 with me going through these surgeries and chemo treatments. What a blessing I was able to basically have my husband close if I needed him. For that, we will be ever grateful. But - WE ARE SO EXCITED TO MOVE ON!!!!! Yay.

Ya know, when PJ and I decided he was going to look elsewhere - I told him that I had this theory - that we just needed to move in a direction, the direction we were being told to move, we just needed to put the word out there about him, send a resume, make a phone call - get the ball rolling. That we were the kind of people where once we started something, everything else would fall into place - just move in a direction, and let God take care of the rest. He looked at me like I was nuts - but then once this all went down, I told him to rise above this situation and look at it from a birds eye view - things just don't happen like that - not at all. Now, I'm not explaining this for this big 'I told you so'moment - I'm explaining this because here I was, all passionate about God revealing Himself in this job scenario with my hubby because he listened to the signs and moved in a direction that he felt God wanted him to - and God took care of the rest - then I realized that I moved towards CTCA and look what happened to me? The same thing - how amazing. All I did was pick up the phone and call and the rest, I believe, God has taken care of. I know the odds are against me - but you know what? I know I can beat the odds - people do it all the time - and if anything weird or out of the ordinary is going to happen to anyone, it's going to be me. That's just the way I roll.

OK - I think I've rambled on enough this evening. I guess I would just encourage everyone to just move - move in some direction that feels right in your gut and see what happens. We can't sit and wait for things to work for us, we have to play an active part. Maybe that's why He gave us free will - to see if we were listening or not.

God Bless -

Glowing in Goodyear

It's a quiet evening here in lovely Goodyear AZ. I am on day 4 today, only 2 more to go. I know they told me that the radiation was not at a dangerous level as these little pellets emit time release radiation onto my tumor over 6 days, but I kinda like the idea of me having a proverbial glow. So I will wallow in that for a bit. A mental picture of me, glowing in the window this night from CTCA in Goodyear, AZ. Kinda cool.

Today I spent time with a really great friend whom I've known since we were little kids - she drove all the way out here to see me and spend time just chatting. We are just those kinds of friends where we could just pick up where we left off - I think we saw each other just about a year ago, but it was like a day hadn't passed. Really great. Then she sat through infusion with me, took off afterwards than my brother-in-law came and spent time w. me and we had dinner. It's been such a blessing over these past few days to just soak in people. To have at length conversations with people, I can't remember the last time I was able to do this. It has been just awesome. To sit and simply exchange thoughts, feeling, laughs, cries, each other. Pretty frickin cool. It has kept me from being depressed - not from the cancer thing, mostly from not being with my girls and hubby. I think I gained a new sense of hope, over time, when I started coming here to CTCA. Not because of the cheery commercials, although I think those are very relevant, but just from my experience. I didn't know what to expect when I came here - I didn't know about the theresphere procedure, that was something I learned about when they sent me the initial material of what they do here. When I read it, I thought, wow - that makes sense, maybe they'll recommend that. I never suggested a thing - just let them go through everything about me and let them do their thing. Everyone approached me with a very focused nature - which I appreciated so much. Not a lot of BS or 'false hope' like some have criticized, but just focused attention. When they recommended the theresphere treatment, I was excited - not knowing that I would then need to go through a process simply to qualify as a candidate for this protocol. Again, success. Each of these experiences just built on each other that has brought me to a place of such peace, and hope, and contentment. It is hard to explain. To sit here and look back and see the path that has lead me here, it is so clear to me that God has been by my side, gently guiding me along the entire time. I do not sit and wait for Him to do something, I listen for Him, and He tells me which way to go. But you gotta have your God ears on, and sometimes, that is the hardest part. We are wired as humans to have OUR ears on only, and we fight God because sometimes He leads us where we don't want to go, or are afraid, or doesn't fall in line with OUR plan. Experiences in this life WE decide are 'good' or 'bad' when actually, they just 'are'. We miss the importance of experience in this life because we are so busy labeling it we miss the lesson, or the direction, or the meaning. So hard to do - but I'm trying real hard to have my God ears on more and more. Morning seems to be the best time for these ears for me - perhaps because I'm less clouded when I first wake up - who knows. It's working, and it's pretty frickin cool.

I'm feeling the 'chemo brain' which, I had forgotten about. It's funny, I'll find myself just peering, as if I a actually trying to see through something - that's how it feels. Crazy right? And my belly is feeling it big time now. It's the premeds mostly, steroids and anti nausea stuff - I am taking miralax and this lovely Yogi Tea called 'Get Regular' (I kid you not) that has these little sayings stapled onto the end of the tea bag. This evenings reads: 'Wisdom Becomes Knowledge When It Is Personal Experience'. Hmmm. yea. duh. I just really need to personally experience a poop - so let's get REGULAR please!

PJ comes tomorrow, and I am so excited to see him. Then I get to go home on Monday. But do not be fooled - I am relishing each moment here, focusing on this procedure to kill this shit once and for all. I am confident this is working, I can feel it working - physically and spiritually - it's pretty amazing. I am so blessed to have found this place, these doctors, this experience. How blessed I am that all of this came together for this to actually happen for me. Truly someone watching over me, taking care of me and my family, lovin on me. Doesn't get any better than that.

God Bless -

Chemo has given me man hands.

This is probably just the way my face and hand appears in this mirror in my room, but I totally feel like I have man hands. Weird.

So my infusion yesterday went fine - a little overwhelming and confusing - kind of a paperwork nightmare while they switched me from in patient to out patient - but around like, 4:30 all seemed to be right with the chemo world, and I was on my way with my first infusion. Unfortunately, I'm getting the yukky steroids to start with, which just make my face all flush and uncomfortable - but oh well. This too shall pass. They hooked me up with my little nylon bag to carry around with me, which is fine. Weird, but fine. My first chemo infusion went fine - my belly was a bit upset last night, but all settled down by around 10 or so. It felt good to get up to my room, shower (THAT was entertaining) and climbing into bed with my chemo pack in the place where my husband would normally live.

Today I was blessed to have my friends from my church come down and have lunch with me, then my brother in law showed up right when I went into infusion again for the day so I had a lot of company that it went by really fast. Tomorrow I have my girlfriends driving down for a morning visit then a friend of my moms coming by in the afternoon then my brother in law coming for dinner. Wow. This is so very cool I actually get to spend time with these people without interruption. How blessed am I that I have this support system ready and willing to come down here to see me and spend time with me. They are filling my days with love and laughter and not allowing me to wallow in the yukky side of why I am here. Truly Gods hand at work in my life, yet again. I'm going to be here till Monday - not Sunday like I had originally been told, but that's ok. I'm hoping PJ can maybe come back down on Sunday, work from here on Monday then take me home after my infusion. I should be done and ready to go home by that point. Can't wait. I miss my girls so much, my heart hurts. We got to oovoo today and it felt so good to see them, Ginger actually asked PJ if she could hug me through the computer. My heart just sank. Madeline is going on her first slumber party with a schoolmate of her tomorrow, so I was drilling my mom to get her little bag packed and trying to play my mom role from all the way down here. Madeline needs some fun time - and she seems really ready to do this, I'm so proud of her. Bummer that I am going to miss the experience live and in person, but so glad she gets to do this.

Well, I'm actually feeling a bit nauseous right now, so I think I am going to take a compazine and lay down. Got this way a bit this morning too - just rested and it all passed. That is soooo hard to do - because I have a list in my head of things I want to get done, but I must listen to my body and give it what it needs. Especially now. This is the place to do it.

Thank you all for your kind words, your prayers, your energy - I feel it all and it is helping me. 2 down, 4 more to go. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

God Bless-

My Little Theresphere Vacation

So - procedure went real well yesterday. In fact, to quote one of the nurses and theresphere assistants - 'that was the smoothest, quickest therasphere I've ever seen done'. Woo Hoo!!!! I seemed to 'feel' much more of this procedure than the last oddly enough - but I make it through. I also had to lay flat for longer afterwards - completely flat - for 4 1/2 hours. I was becoming quasi cancer bitch here in the hospital room - until the nurse kindly suggested that I get an adivan to help me relax. That would have been fine but they came in to finally give it to me at 2pm and I was allowed to get up at 2:30. Soooo - I got up, went pee, then went to bed and slept for 4 hours, no joke. Crazy. Today I feel fine, my right leg which is the leg they went in on, feels kind of 'bruised' inside but they say that that is normal. They have hooked me up to the Leucovorin which I will stay hooked up to for 6 days straight. Right now it's on a very, very slow drip - 24 hours actually. So I can't switch to the 'pump' until this is done. That will be around 4pm today - so needless to say, I'm going a bit stir crazy. Really, really trying to move with the cheese. Now they told me I won't be able to be discharged until Monday rather than Sunday. OK. I know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be, this is exactly what I needed to have done, and I need to trust that they know what is best for me - and do what they tell me to do. PJ had to leave to get back home just a bit ago, it was hard to see him leave, but the girls really need him at home and I feel better with them knowing that at least one of us is there. I miss him already, and really miss my girls. How blessed I am that family has stepped in to help me with them - they don't know it consciously, but it is nice to have family there with them - different, more familiar energy. Good.

So I guess around 4pm today I will be discharged from inpatient - and go right into infusion for my first round of chemo drug called floxuridine. I will get premeds then the drug - not sure how long this is going to take, if I'll be getting this at the same time every day, what the side effects I will experience, don't know. Just trying once again, move with the cheese Dina!!! I am reminded how much I like to plan and know what is coming up - I need to just give that up and move where I'm told. I've already said no to some drugs they had on my schedule - they had scheduled a nulasta shot for me when I leave, which I promptly declined. They will be doing weekly blood counts on me so they will send me home with orders I can take to a local lab and have them draw blood, run counts then send it to my oncologist here. If the first one comes back showing I need a boost - then fine, I'll do the nulasta, but I am electing not to do this prophylactically. I'm trusting my body to behave the way it has in the past, and have perfect blood counts like always. My next appt here will be on Nov 30th where they will do a chest xray, PET and CT scan and I'll meet with both oncologist - the theraspere oncologist and my general oncologist. We'll see the results then. I do remember them saying that they sometimes show better results in 12 weeks, but we'll see. I'm ready fr results either way.

Sad to say I am on dexamethasone right now, a steroid I'm familiar with as I had with my prior chemo, to help manage internally inflammation. Can't stand this stuff - makes me warn and gives me what I like to call the Carl Mauldin nose. All red and chewed on looking. But overall I feel good. Finally starting to poop - so feeling even better than before.

My hair loss has dwindled but continues. Mostly on the top of my head, so I figure since I'm so tall, if I just never sit or bend down, no one will ever know! PJ says I should start wearing a yamica - but I thought perhaps the congregation at our church would find that confusing. They wouldn't question me, this is a Methodist church, whereas the Lutheran church there would probably be alarms that went off when I walked through the door. (kidding) I'll just start wearing my new hat that says 'Wish You Were Hair".

I have to say I am ever reminded of how much I truly love my husband. He sits here in my hospital room and just watches me sleep. He stays with me all morning, all day, he sits in the corner of my room in dimly lit light till 2am working because he doesn't want anyone to fall by the wayside, even his job and his customers. I really connected to the feeling of the safety in just knowing he was here - such comfort, such love. I am so lucky to have found him - he takes such good care of me. Thank you Lord, for putting us in each others paths, and giving us the sense enough to notice each other.

The pain management doc just paid me a visit - and had to ask me if I was the patient. He said I look so good, he didn't know if I was the patient or now. Now, I'll take that compliment over and over.

I'll check in tonight probably to give the rundown of the rest of the day. Move with the cheese Dina - with a smile and skip in your step. I'll make sure I ask them for a chemo pump that can withstand skipping. If you come to visit, just look for the 6 ', balding, skipping cancer patient with a chemo pump. Now there's a frickin Hallmark card, eh?

God Bless -

Let's Get Radiated!!!!!

So, I have this picture collage on my mirror on my side of our bathroom that contains pictures of me - pre cancer - pre Ginger even - when I was at my ideal weight. This is to serve as a motivator to me to lose these unwanted pounds. I have been looking at this for a couple moths now - and I look at this person in these pictures and find it hard to remember who exactly she was. I mean, I remember thinking I was a pretty good person then, but now, looking back, I'm not sure how accurate that statement or feeling really was. In retrospect I mean - which, I understand, not everyone gets the opportunity to do this. Ironically, I miss her. I don't miss who I 'was', but in a very shallow way, I miss how I felt, how I looked. And I know, I won't look like that again. I may get close - with will and determination, which to be honest, I sometimes lack for long periods of time - but I will never look exactly the same. Frustrating, and enlightening, all at the same time.

So tomorrow morning is the big day. I go in at 7:45 am for my therasphere procedure - and I'm ready. I've been fighting a sinus/chest thing the past 2 days, so I'm hoping that doesn't cause any major problems, wish I felt a bit more up to par, but excited nonetheless. Then I think I will be hooked up with the one drug that I will stay on for 6 days straight then at some point have my first infusion of the chemo drug. Little nervous about that - wondering how I will react. To be honest, I'm going into this thinking I'm going to be just fine. Maybe tired, but lately, I'm pretty much always tired, so I'm thinking of this as like a little mini cancer vacation. Get to hang out at CTCA for a mere 6 days and see what's going down in Goodyear. Woo Hoo!

Thank you for your thoughts, your prayers, your good wishes. Now - let's go kick this tumor on it's ass and thank the Lord for a cancer free Dina, eh?

Night Night - and God Bless -

The Cancer Song

So I am speaking with my little Madeline on our way home from school yesterday when I explain to her that her Mema (grandma) has cancer too - but in her lungs. We chatted about this for awhile, since I recently explained how her Gma Nellie has the same thing, when she blurts out with this: 'Cancer Cancer Do Not Stay! Cancer Cancer Go Away!'. She obviously took it upon herself to replace 'rain' with 'cancer' - all on her own. I tearfully complimented her creativeness - and now she sings it quite alot. Pretty deep for a 5 year old.

I'm feeling very hopeful about my upcoming procedure. A little chaotic in my brain as I plan to be gone for 6 days, but good. I've got people lined up to visit me already - so thank you!!! Speaking of visiting - our trip to CA was a long drive, but so worth it. I'm so glad we went - and I'm feeling so helpless now. I'm feeling that a lot lately come to think of it. Wish we were closer to visit her more - to be around PJ's family more - it was really lovely to hang around with them. They've got some pretty heavy shit coming up too here next week - which reminds me we ALL have shit we're going through, right? I don't know if it's my age, or what, but it just seems like we all are dealing with way heavier shit than people our age used to have to deal with. I mean, maybe I'm being naive - I don't know. But it just seems like the people I am surrounded with, my family and close friends, have an awful lot of serious heavy stuff on their plates as of late. Not sure if it is a test of faith or what, but is seems damned coincidental. In any case, I wish we could be there to help more. My mom is going through some challenges now too with her cancer recurrence, and I just wish I could fix it. I want to fix it all. My stupid cancer is keeping me from being 100% there for others, and that just plain pisses me off. I remember talking with my Pastor early on in my diagnosis about how having people help me was something I was not real good at, and she explained to me it was was 'season to receive'. I get that - I got it. But enough already. It is clearly other people's time around me to receive, receive from me, and I just can't seem to get to everyone. I know, it's not about me - but it's hard to be Christ hands and feet upon this earth when I'm sitting in CTCA for 6 days. But, maybe that's exactly where I'm supposed to be. Maybe we don't get to choose, much less be aware of the people we minister to. The people we come across on this earth that get something from us by simply watching us, overhearing us, witness us show God's love to others on this earth. Guess I needed reminded of that. I just want to take care of my mom. She deserves that, and I can't take care of her in the way that I want to.

On a lighter note, my fabulous friends in Phoenix have planned something rather awesome.
They are doing a benefit for me Nov 23rd called 'Comedy for a Cause' at the Improv in Tempe. Way - way - way back when, I headed up the house improv group there, and I can't believe how many people are showing up, donating their time and awesome talent, to come out and do some stand up for me. They've got a silent auction going, and it's going to be so frickin awesome - I am humbled by their generous spirit in putting this together. They have a Facebook page for it as well, Dina Mountcastle Benefit 'Comedy for a Cause' for anyone wanting details or to just be nosey and poke around. This just baffles my mind - that people, some of which I haven't seen in like, 20 years, are showing up for me in this manner. With everything that is going on in this world, especially now, to see the human spirit rise in this manner, and for me? For anyone? It fills my heart like I am unable to explain. We do not realize how many people we touch in this life - and I was reminded this past weekend in CA that the 'ripple effect' we have with each other on this earth is very, very powerful. What one person, one situation can put into motion - just by showing up for someone, by calling, by emailing, by frickin just smiling at someone, is mind boggling. We make a difference. Everyday we do.

Alright, enough heavy shit for this evening. I am off to bed. PJ and I have our first Parent Teacher Conference tomorrow morning for Madeline and I am so eager to hear what she has to say. I will finish off my evening here with a good episode of 'Hoarding' - embarrased to say that I am addicted to this show!!!!!

God Bless -

Nothing like a 10 1/2 hour drive.....

So here we are in Clovis, CA. PJ's grandma took a drastic right turn into a more medically assisted home, and we thought we better get here while we had the allotted time to do so. We arrived about 4am on Sat morning - and considering it took us 10 1/2 hours to get here, the girls really did quite well. Ginger had had quite enough of her car seat about 6 hours in, and to tell you the truth, I didn't blame her. I ended up in the back seat of the van holding her while she slept for the remainder of the trip. So sweet. We went and saw grandma yesterday and I have to say, she is still has her sharp moments, she is a hoot. We got a chance to see her, chat with her, the girls saw her and Madeline colored some pictures for her - it was really nice. It's also been so great to see PJ's side of the family - makes me want to live closer to them. How blessed I am to have married into a family that is so awesome - they are just good people. The kind of people you want to hang with - they are certainly on 'the bus' if you catch my drift. PJ's cousin has 2 little girls around our girls ages so they have just been in hog heaven. We were getting ready last night to go to a little Halloween thingy at the local zoo for the kids, literally getting in the car to go, when Ginger had another one of her seizures. This one was not as dramatic as her others, but a seizure nonetheless. I can totally get through them now, needed a little help as I was literally talking her through it while walking around PJ's cousins front yard, but once I've got her 'back' I still cry in just fear. I hate that she goes through this, and just pray that this will stop one day for her. No fever with this one, so I am at a total loss. My gut is telling me that she had a long day with the drive and all, not a lot of food, not a lot to drink, and her body just said "stop! we are stopping now because I need sleep!' and that she did - slept for 13 hours straight. You'd never know it happened looking at her this morning. Madeline went ahead with PJ's cousin and their beautiful family, and she even got to sleep over at their house, which was very cool for her. PJ and I were able to take Ginger back to the hotel and nurse her back to health. What a ride. What a wild ride. This parenting thing is quite a ride. I am reminded once again how I was picked, out of many many others mommy's out there, picked specifically to be Ginger and Madeline's mommy. I know them like no other, I can read them like no one else can, and that 'gut' feeling I get about them, the feeling that came to me yesterday that told me moments before the seizure that she was going to have one, is a gift from God. These moments are reminders to us of why were are placed on this earth. Brings to mind for me the message from Pastor George's sermon last Sunday - he said "consider this - we are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spirit beings on a human journey". Considering this possibility can completely change the way you look at people, look at EVERYONE. It's like you see the spirit inside of them, and not their human form. I know, heavy for a Sunday afternoon, but I needed to share. Try it out next time your just walking down the street or through a store and look at other people with this in mind. Look at your children with this in mind - frickin mind blowing.

I'm feeling fine, was having some upset tummy issues on Thurs and Fri, which they said would happen considering the 'coils' they placed in me during the 'mapping' but that has passed (thank God) and I'm feeling much better now. OH - I totally forgot to mention this about the mapping procedure - when they wheeled me in for the procedure, I see this young man (yes, I said 'young man' oy) who took my xray pics a couple weeks prior - he looks like he's maybe 15 years old, total skater look to him, and he is the one who asked me if I wouldn't mind listening to Led Zepplin during the procedure. Once I was placed on the OR table, he pulls up my hospital gown and shows a look of disgust when he sees I still have my underwear still on. I tell him that I asked and was told it was OK (another problem with my scary intake nurse) so one of the female nurses helps me take them off, then, he is the one to 'shave my groin area'. Ok - I am going to sound a LOT naive here, but I think I thought my groin area was on my thigh, why? I have no idea. Well, it's not. It's in your bikini area, and now I have this prepubescent guy shaving my bird. Then, he just leaves - went to get something I guess, so I say out loud "and here I am! my bird just hanging out for anyone to see!". Just another layer of 'what else can I please experience to add to my cancer stand up act' I suppose. Oy. I would love to say I will get a bikini wax before my therasphere procedure, just to impress them, but I've had one of those before and no frickin way - that was more painful than anything I've ever experienced in my life. No way.

Well, my family is napping now on our hotel beds, looking so beautiful and peaceful - I watch them and thank God for my life, my family, my extended family, and the fact that we are visiting here right now. I'm so thankful for PJ's grandma, what she has taught me, what she means to PJ and his family. She has no idea the good she continues to do by bringing this family together. Just by being on this planet, people accomplish so much without ever knowing it. Spirits on a human journey. Way cool.

God Bless -

I've officially been MAPPED

Well, it's official. I went through the mapping today and it was a success. YAY! Very strange and interesting procedure though. I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous - I was. There are many cool things about CTCA, but one for sure is they are always on time. So arriving and going right into prep was refreshing. Also gave me no time at all to process things - which isn't all bad either. My prep nurse decided to train a new nurse on me while putting in my IV and I've decided, I'm not going to be so nice about this anymore. This was the most painful part of the whole thing, this trainee poking me - they ended up putting it in my wrist. I've been poked a lot - a LOT - this was the only time I almost started crying it was that bad. PJ kind of reprimanded me for 'being too nice' about this stuff, and ya know, he's right. I'm not going to let anyone practice on me - they can practice on someone else. In any case, IV was put in, my nurse was way too chit chatty with me - but I was quickly on my way. As I was wheeled in, one of the nurses said 'what kind of music do you want to listen to - rock, jazz, blues - your choice'. So, we had Led Zepplin playing throughout the whole procedure - very cool. I was also awake through it, sedated cuz I couldn't feel anything, so it was kinda like I was awake, but didn't care at all. It took about an hour, they go in to my femoral artery on the right side with this camera catheter thingy, take tons of pictures, put in the coils to block blood flow to my stomach and bowels, then once I'm done I'm whisked off to get a PET scan for them to take more pics of me with they dye in me to see where it all goes to make sure they know where everything will go when the y do the real thing. Amazing. Then I just had to lay there for another hour or so. They put in this star thingy to plug up the artery, so to make sure that all that heals, I need to lay still for a couple hours. Uncomfortable to lay flat on your back for that long, but this too shall pass. It really went just perfectly, I was so relieved. I think I was most nervous because I didn't know what to expect - didn't know what it was going to be like. But as soon as I found myself overwhelmed with fear or anxiety, I would just put all my trust in the Lord and turn all my fear over to him, and it totally lifted it right off my heart. Amazing.



So my official procedure will be on Nov 2nd - exactly 2 weeks from today. I'm so excited. Bummed to know I have to spend an entire week away from home - but, I'll do it and get it done and overwith. My mother and niece watched my kids for me today, and they will return again with my aunt from Los Angeles when I go in on the 2nd. How blessed I am to have friends and family to step up for me like this - I can't even begin to express how thankful I am to have such a wonderful community of friends and family that help me and make all this work for me. I'm going to be up for visits from anyone caring to visit me in Goodyear for those 6 days - PJ will not be able to stay with me the whole time, so if anyone is up for a visit, amazing lunch or dinner - please let me know. I'm game.



I really wanted to write more, but I am literally falling asleep as I'm writing this. Been a long day with a whole lot going on. I'll write more tomorrow, just wanted to bring everyone up to speed. Thank you friends, thank you family, thank you God for continually holding me through this journey. Hand in hand we continue to go. Oh - wanted to share a pic of my fabulous kids from this past weekend. They are just frickin awesome.



God Bless -

To Shave or Not To Shave, That is the Question....

My hair just keeps thinning out. It's been over a month since my last Adrimyacin push, yet, it continues to fall. I guess I'm lucky that I have a lot of hair anyway. My awesome hairdresser recently told me 'now Dina, you have as much hair as everybody else'. I went to her to see what she could do with this, because obviously growing it out isn't going quite as I had planned. She cut it short again and I have to admit, it helped a lot. But it still falls out. The drain in my shower has this light covering of hair each time I shower. I've actually not showered for a day thinking 'maybe if I don't shower and wash it, it will stay in!'. Silly. I am hoping that if I wait long enough, it will stop thinning then start growing back before it is really noticeable. Now that I'm typing this I feel really silly. Am I really spending this much time talking and thinking about my stupid hair? I've done this once already - and I elected to just frickin shave my head when it first started coming out. This time, I just don't want to. My poor bathroom is just coated with hair. It totally affects my mood when I have to start my day putting handfuls of hair in the trash can. I wish this didn't matter to me so much, but it does. I've spoken to Madeline about it - and she is just so matter of fact about it. She says 'this cancer just needs to go away mom! cancer is NOT good!' Which of course brings me to tears that she knows this at age 5 - then she asks me why I'm crying and I tell her that sometimes when mommy is so full of love for her, I get so happy that I cry. She smiles and hugs me. This whole conversation occurred the other day as I was getting her out of the shower. So perfect.

Fall break has been lovely. Getting up on our schedule. I did have a run in with a rude employee of the YMCA where I work out - and I noticed something about myself that I found very interesting. Anyone who know me knows, when someone is disrespectful or rude to me, it is all I can do to not rip that person a new A hole. Seriously, I don't tolerate people like this very well AT ALL. So when this situation presented itself to me yesterday, I found myself going to that same place. I started getting all worked up inside, getting very confrontational, maybe a little bead of sweat or two - you get it. Then, something came out of my mouth that I swear I don't remember giving myself permission to say. I said "listen, I don't know what has happened here, but if I have come across rude and caused you to act this way, then I apologize, that was not my intent". wha???? Dina - back down? Dina - take the high road? Who the hell was this person talking? Now, this fell upon deaf ears, but the thoughts I HAD in my head did not come out, this did. Weird. I thought about this throughout my workout, and I think I realized, we, the collective women 'we', suck it up so much sometimes, we don't vent our frustration or anger or disappointments so often, that when the poor uneducated soul at the front desk of the Y gives us the stink eye, we totally unload all this shit on them. It all comes pouring out - like we needed an excuse to let it out, and this was it. I didn't do it this time, which was good. But I realized that I need to let out this frustration or whatever I have been feeling before it gets to this point. If something is bothering me, I'm going to say it. If I get hurt my something or someone - I'm going to tell them. It is NOT easy - it is easier to take down the Y employee - but I am seriously going to start working on this. Thank you - Miss Uneducated YMCA Employee for the self-enlightenment. (hey, I'm not losing my sarcasm - that would be pushing it)

I've had a great time hanging out with my kids. We went and painted pottery today - total blast. Total mess, but a total blast. Then grocery shopping, lunch - the normal stuff. So cool.

I spoke to CTCA about how I feel weird not to be taking anything now, and they said they need me really healthy for this procedure - so to chill and not worry about it. I breathed a cautious and semi relieved breath of fresh air - and I am trying to just embrace the fact that for the next month or so, I'm not going to be on any drug of any kind. I mean, I will be on chemo right after the procedure, but until that point, I'm really enjoying not being on anything. That hasn't happened since I was diagnosed - and that was almost 2 years ago. Wow. Isn't THAT crazy. I just want, so badly, to have an opportunity to have my life back from this disease. As much as I try to conduct my life and raise my kids and be a wife and mother and member of my community, I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm trying to be all of these things AROUND cancer treatment - and that is just getting old and tiring and frustrating. I am being realistic about this upcoming procedure. But my hope is, this therasphere will blow this metastatic disease out of my liver, then I will be able to control the disease with another estrogen blocker from coming back anywhere else. That is my vision, that is what I am holding onto - because that is what makes logical sense to me. Is cancer logical? No. But they know and awful lot about my kind of breast cancer, so I know I have that on my side.

I hope I'm not sounding all dark and serious, I'm not in a dark place at all anymore - thank you Jesus. Where I am mentally now is like night and day compared to where I was a month ago. It was difficult for me to switch my care to CTCA, very difficult. But I now know that I needed to move in the direction that felt right in my gut, and this just feels right. I sacrifice me a lot in this life over the guilt I feel for others, and this just couldn't be one of those times. There is way to much at stake here for me. I qualified for this protocol for a reason, I know this. I am where I am today for a reason, and I was where I was for a reason as well. I have no regrets with where I was, or where I'm headed. No regrets at all. I have felt led all the way. However, I also believe that we need to hear Gods voice (or our gut feeling, whatever you want to call it) and follow that lead, give it that push, then everything falls into place. It's amazing what one move on our part can cause - just one simple phone call can send us into a completely different direction. Just one move - sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes that one move is the hardest to make of all. But that is where trust comes in, trust God, trust your gut.

God Bless -

Up For Mapping anyone?

Wow - I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. I think my trip this past week to Phx has taken me this long to recover from. I went down on Wed of last week for a couple things actually - had an appt in the am with my plastic to review my healing status - seems my left boob is still hanging onto scar tissue for dear life, although he said it is dropping. He also said that I don't see this because I see it every day, but to trust him, it was dropping. OK. I just see that one is higher than the other - wouldn't it figure. AND it's the left one, the one that was FINE!! The irony, really. In any case, they are way more comfortable than the expanders, I'm just glad to have those out and these squishies in. He said it really takes 3 months for them to settle in correctly, so we'll see what time brings me. He did say that if the scar tissue didn't release he could always go back in when he does the final piece of reconstruction. Now, remember, I don't use the "N" word (top of the boob word) because it totally sceeves me out - and to be honest, I don't really know if I want the final piece of reconstruction done - part of me is just fine like this. Kinda tired of the whole thing ya know? But I am morbidly curious to see how this works - that is what is driving me to complete this process more than anything - not my need for 'tops' because, hating that word my entire life, it's really kinda cool to not have to worry about such things in t-shirts or anything. We'll see how I feel when that time comes around. My curiosity may just get the better of me - even though I'm told I have to walk around with 'caps' on for a time - to make sure the 'tops' he forms out of scar tissue don't fall off or anything - why couldn't they just take some pencil erasers and hot glue them on? I can't feel anything there anyway. I could do that myself, it would be way cheaper. Hmmmmmm...

So my next appt on Wed was at CTCA and I was caught in that horrendous storm on the way there - I now know what the term 'biblical proportions' actually looks like - cuz that storm was of such - frightening and cool all at the same time. Made it safe and sound and met with the radiologist as he needed to give me his stamp of approval for this whole theresphere protocol as well. He was awesome, and did indeed pass me through to the procedure. Then I went and had a meeting with my oncologist, got a blood draw, ran over to imaging to get a quick chest xray, then back for my Zometa treatment. I'm still getting accustomed to this new team, they are very nice - some have 'the face' on, and some are genuinely nice - I think I'm just one of those rare people who know the difference - but it is all good. I also think it is difficult for another facility to just pick up where someone else left off in their treatment - trying to make their way through the paperwork into what THEY know as routine is a process, in short, I'm trying to move with the cheese here. So far so good, just frustrating a times, for them as well I'm sure.

Ended up crashing at my moms place Wed night as I didn't get back to her place to pick up Ginger till after 6pm - and we weren't sure what the weather would bring me for the drive back home up north, so I stayed there. Needless to say, it was a long day. Good news is, I'm officially scheduled for my 'mapping' procedure. It will be on Tues the 19th of Oct at 8am. This is a way bigger deal than the actual procedure, because they will be doing a test run with injected dye to see if the procedure will actually work, or what they need to do to make sure it will work. Let's just pray for the mapping to reveal everything they need it to to make this work. C'mon body - cooperate. I feel good about this, really good. I am actually hopeful, which I haven't been in awhile.

I did put a call into my advocate to discuss the fact that I'm not taking anything right now and that feels really strange. Since this all started, I've always been on something. Chemo, estrogen blocker, something. Now? Nothing. Doesn't feel right. I mean, logically, I know we are focused on my liver - but what about the rest of the cancer? I need to protect my bones still and I know I just had a Zometa treatment, but that isn't a 'cancer fighter' that's more of a 'bone strengthener' - so I want to discuss this. I just saw an article about a drug called Faslodex for women with advanced breast cancer. This is an estrogen blocker that has just been approved by the FDA for a higher daily dose and has had, so far, pretty positive results. So I'm going to ask about it. We'll see. Don't know if I can be taking this when this procedure is on the horizon, so I thought I'd ask.

I've been working really hard at just being present. Sometimes remembering to do that is just the furthest thing from my mind, so I've had to really focus on being better at this and it is working. Hugging my kids, kissing my husband, talking with my mom, all of these things are so frickin awesome - they are even more awesome if I can be aware enough to be in the moment with them - 100%. I know the last couple of months, my brain has been so stuck in the 'what if's' and the 'why me's' - when this happens, I lose out on the present moments - and those moments are so amazing. I am so blessed to have the family I have - to have the friends I have - to have the community I have - to have the life I have. Believe it or not - watching my kids faces last weekend while they watched Storytime Live at Tims Toyota Center was probably the coolest thing I've experienced in quite a long time. Normally, I would have been wrapped up mentally in 'what time are we leaving, what are we going to do for dinner, what time are they actually going to get to bed, what time are we going to get home, this is running later that I thought' blah blah blah. I would have missed it completely - but not now. This state of present consciousness is not habit - it's work - and takes a hell of a lot of self reminding, but I'm slowly disciplining myself to do this, and it's extremely rewarding. At the same time, I am constantly giving thanks to the Lord above for all the wonderful things I have in my life, everyday. Whenever I start feeling bad, I try to make myself smile and give thanks, and my feeling eventually does catch up. Again, practice. Practice makes perfect.

Well - I'm off to tend to my feet. They have not completely healed from the Xeloda yet, and are hurting today so I'm going to soak them, put on some cream and some soft booties and rest. Yesterday was a day full of awesome family errands and soccer games and yard work - today I am tired, and just, well, out of it. Hard to describe, but I'm just out of sorts today, can't quite pinpoint it - and I can't even use tired as an excuse because my husband gave me a nap today - so who knows. We are on fall break now and I'm actually going to get to the gym tomorrow. Haven't been in over a week and it's driving me crazy. Looking forward to a week of life on OUR schedule and not school schedule. Yay!!!

Have a great week all - God Bless.

Wired for Cancer Killin

So my trip down to CTCA yesterday went fine. It was such a long day though - and my little Ginger was such a trooper. I literally left the house w/ her at 7:15 am and we didn't get back home here till 5pm - then I had to drop Ginger off pick up Madeline and take her to the dr to see what was wrong with her - and she and I didn't get home till 7:30pm. Oy. There were a few moments at the end of this for me where I literally wanted to scream, but I didn't. Raise my voice? My yes, but yell - no. Oy. Madeline is doing just fine today (of course! I went to the dr!) and thankfully is finally going back to school tomorrow.

So, here's the skinny on my upcoming treatment. The dr I ended up seeing was NOT a surgeon, he is a oncologist but he is the oncologist that developed the protocol for thereasphere. Shut the front door!! Get out!!! Yes, so he was a very gentle man who I could tell spoke levels upon levels above my intelligence, but he knew enough at the end to let me know that his nurse would come in and explain everything again to me - which relieved me a bit too. He examined me - examined my liver. I've never had a liver examination before, but this means he basically poked around my right gut area, then drew on me with a purple marker and his wife who is also his nurse (talk about fringe benefits) wrote down some mathematical figures he threw out. Then he sat with me, asked me a couple questions, looked over my blood work and told me that I did fit the parameters for this protocol. Yay! So, his nurse comes in and starts to explain the procedure to me in great detail and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, 'just listen to everything and write down what you need to' I was so afraid I wouldn't remember everything being there by myself. She explained that the 'mapping' is really a 'test run' of the actual procedure. They go in through my main artery in my groin, and actually insert the catheter, insert some coil blockers where the blood supply goes to my lungs and my stomach because we don't want any of these beads going in those areas, then they shoot dye into me. Then they close it all up and I go to an observation area and they watch me for a couple hours to see where the dye goes - to make sure it gets to where my tumor is. They want to make sure when they have the real stuff it goes exactly where they want it to go - pretty cool eh? Then they order up the beads, especially made for me, and it gets sent to them. Once it's received, about 10 days later, I go in for the procedure. Here's the added 'feature' of this that I didn't know about. This protocol has a chemo arm to it - there is theresphere by itself, then there is theresphere with 3 different types of chemo that work along side of it. My onc has recommended a chemo regime for 6 days following my procedure. I will be hooked up with one drug (mostly folinic acid to work in connection with the upcoming chemo drug) which I will stay on, continually for 6 days. Then, starting day 1 after the procedure, I will have a chemo infusion for 20 minutes a day for 6 days. Wow. Didn't know this part. The drug I'm hooked up to continually is called leucovorin and I just wikipedia'd it and its a pretty interesting read if you're up for it. Then the chemo drug I will be administered for 6 days in a row will be a drug called floxuridine. I just googled this drug and according to the info on the American Cancer Society website, this drug is used to treat some cancers that have spread to the liver. Hmmm. I'm a little taken aback by this. My chemo vocabulary was, I thought, pretty extensive. When this drug name was thrown out to me I scurried to write it down because it sounded so foreign to me - now looking at it and researching it a bit, I am flabbergasted that I DIDN'T already know what this was. Whatever, just another reason validating why I am where I am right now. Wow.

So, I think I'm pretty much going to have to stay down in the Phx area for the entire time of my f.u chemo - it wouldn't make any sense for me to drive back and forth for 6 days - that would be crazy. OH - and I'm not radioactive - that was some misinformation I was given, so that's good I guess - no buster collar needed. Now - I meet w/ the radiologist for a consult on Tues and once he gives me the GO - we'll set up the appt for the mapping then the appt for the procedure. As much as I wanted to plan this over Madeline's fall break, I don't think it's going to work out that way. We're going to have to find someone to come up and watch my kids for me while I'm in Phx, and we'd like to arrange it where PJ would be there for my procedure and mapping, but I would do the 6 day chemo by myself so he could be here to be with the girls. We just need some help, and I know we'll figure it out somehow. I had no idea the chemo was involved, that just makes it a harder to schedule. Yes, I am so stressed about this, I can't help it. Ya know, it was a lot easier to take time off from my insurance job way back when then to try to take time off of being a mother to a 5 and a 2 year old. How does that make any sense???

I feel like my brain is on overload. I am a creature of habit and my whole 'cancer world' has changed - all of my doing, I realize that. This procedure is a bit scary to me, but something I know I must do. Again, it just makes sense to me. My hair continues to fall out, and I just don't have the best self image thing going for me right now. But I am slowly embracing this new path, and gearing up for this amazing procedure in this place called CTCA which I know I was lead to. On that note, I have to close with the following:

So, I'm sitting there in the waiting room waiting to be called for my chest CT scan yesterday, when the lady at the front desk says 'Dina, do you want one?' and holds up this box. I go up to the desk, and she has offered me a bible. It's a pink leather bound bible - in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. I looked at her and said 'wow - that is lovely, yes thank you'. CTCA was giving them away to anyone who wanted them. wha? So I open it up, and this was the page I opened up to - I have to share this, cuz this is amazing:

Holding on to Hope

Your grip on hope is slipping. You feel like the rope you've been hanging on to since your cancer began is slowly sliding through your fingers. Your hands are burning, cramping. You're down to the final few loose threads. You're squeezing the life out of that fraying, lifeless hope.

Let go.

Did you hear that?

Let go!

You won't fall into oblivion or hellish chaos.

You'll fall where you've actually been all along, even while tenaciously clutching your rope.

You'll fall into Jesus' arms. Into his love and protection. Into his care for you and your future.

You do have a future, you know. It may not look exactly like the future you were envisioning. It may include more suffering and pain. It may include more years....or fewer.

But it's exactly the future God had planned for you from the beginning. He knows your body better than you, better than any of your doctors.

You may be mystified by what's happening inside your body, bewildered by the decisions that need to be made, uncertain of what tomorrow will bring.

But never forget: You have hope.

Instead of a weak and raveling rope, hang on to your Creator, the source of your hope.

He's got you and your future in his very skilled hands.


God Bless -