Finally - enough eyelashes to get one in my eye!!

It's pretty exciting to finally have enough eyelashes to find one irritatingly in my eye. I did a small happy dance this morning. My eyebrows came in fine, but not as thick as they were and they seem to take a long time to grown once I tweeze them. Not complaining here, just an observation of how different my new ones are.

Didn't post last night as the laptop was being used by PJ and my computer is in the spare bedroom and Madeline was sleeping in there. We've had some real sleeping issues with her lately - NOT sleeping issues. It's been frustrating, but I'm trying a couple changes to see if it will help.

Had WOW today, and it was really great. As I have mentioned the first hour is a series by Robyn Kaufman called 'Fearless Living' and it has really resonated with me. In some recent reflection I have done, I wonder if I will ever be able to distance myself from my breast cancer journey - it always seems to be just at the tips of my fingers all the time. I'm sure people are tired of me referring to it, and to be honest, I don't want to identify myself with it for the rest of my life, but maybe that is wishful thinking. Someone recently mentioned to me that they didn't know be before I had cancer, and that instantly made me sad. I'm not really sure why, I just was bummed that that was how I was being identified, by anybody really - I mean, I was just Dina before, not Dina the Cancer Patient. Will I always be that now?

So, in Fearless Living, and in any of my spiritual classes really, I'm finding that I'm feeling very alone in my personal relationship with God. I feel that my experience with breast cancer paved this road to Him that I never could have imagined before. I don't mean to sound pompous or anything, but I have such a deep and complete understanding of what this relationship is supposed to be like, it is difficult for me to listen to others search to understand. Not very Christ like, right? Tell me - I get very annoyed at people - but then I realize that they haven't walked my walk - so I can't expect them to completely understand, then I just get pissed off. Again, do people really have to be faced with death - literally - to get this?

I've had people say to me recently things like "oh, her cancer wasn't as bad as yours" or "my dad had cancer and it metastasized and he died" or "I remember how beautiful and long your hair was". What the fuck is wrong with people? Before I knew I had cancer, I knew enough to know that if I didn't know much about something -don't say anything at all. I'd certainly know enough to know that if I was having a conversation with someone with a life threatening illness, death, on any sort of level, is probably NOT an appropriate conversation topic! I'm obviously having to vent here today, this has actually been building for awhile now. Maybe it's the fruit and veggies talking here - kind of a 'truth serum' if you will. Damn seedless grapes!!!

I'm reminded now of something that Robyn said this morning, that I felt enough about to write down, because it's something I have to remember constantly. Here it is:

"We are all called to climb our own mountain unique to us. But we don't have to carry our own pack."

Isn't that the truth. My mountain, for 2009 anyway, was breast cancer. Someone else's could have been unemployment, or a parent being sick, or dying, or trying to have a baby, etc. The list goes on and on - it's all relative. I can't expect anyone to understand, completely, my mountain any more than I could completely understand theirs. We all just have to remember that we are not alone. Ever. We have to love and lean on each other, and turn it all over to God. (for me it's God, for others it could be something else).

Off to bed w/ me - the diet is going well. It's really hard though to fix the girls macaroni and cheese and not taste it. I don't even lick my fingers - am I good or what? Had an egg white omelet for dinner and thought I was gonna ralph. PJ makes them so much better than I do - he's totally cooking tomorrow night.

God Bless -