Purpose with a shot of Perspective.

I was driving to visit Helen this morning after dropping off Madeline at school, and I thought to myself, 'why are you going to see her again today, you were just there Tues.' I knew it would be a nice gesture, but I found myself wondering what I would say today. I was bringing a picture Madeline had colored for her last night, so I knew that would make her smile.

When I got there, her husband was there with her, and she was sleeping. She looked even more thin and her skin was more yellow today. Her mouth open to breathe, it was an obvious change from just Tues, let alone just this past Sat when I sat w/ her at her home and had a normal conversation. He told me that she hadn't woken up at all yet today, and that they didn't really expect her to. So my conversation on Tues was our last. He told me he really thought he was going to get a chance to speak with her, and so upset and how quickly she was going. He was shaking speaking to me, he began to cry and I held him in my arms. The answer was plain to me, I was there today for Terry. No family was here yet, he was sitting there with her all alone, trying to digest all of this. It was heartbreaking. But I was so glad I was there - at a crucial moment for him I think, the moment it all seemed to become very real to him. I'm so blessed to have been there at that very moment. I asked if the 3 of us could pray together, we did, and he cried, and told me that it was beautiful. We sat while the nurse gave her some more pain medication. As it was explained to me, the muscles in the body just start to give up, so to speak. Therefore, she is having trouble finding the strength to swallow which causes her to start to cough, which seems quite painful for her. Terry wanted that to stop. After a bit I said I had to go pick up Madeline, take her home but I would be back. The thought of her possibly going, and him being there alone just didn't sit well with me. So I came back a couple hours later. She was still asleep, or resting, or drugged, whatever this state is - I've been thinking what this is and I can't quite come to any conclusion yet. I assured him that she could hear him, whether she responded to him or not, and to keep on speaking to her. Her sister finally arrived, and I was overwhelmed with a sense that Terry was now taken care of, he had family around him. I asked if I could just privately read something to her, and they all said yes. As they had their own conversation in the room, I knelt by Helen, hand on her head, and read to her the devotion for today. I then told her, that if she needed to let go, that it was ok. She didn't need to hang on for anything, or anyone, that if she was too tired, it was ok. I'm not sure it was my place to do this, but the words were coming out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. Then I left.

I wasn't as tired today, but when I came home, I felt drained. I feel like the last 2 days were like - 4 days. Do you ever have recollections of time like that? Nancy was here as she always is, and I was able to nap. Nancy - I can't even begin to give her the credit she deserves for all the help she gives to me and my family. I would not be able to heal without her. Plus, my kids are having a BALL with her, which is so awesome to watch.

Obviously this experience has taken my mind of my new 'look' so to speak, which is good. I think I am adapting to it rather well, each day and each shower time seems to get a little better. More grounded in the reality. I had someone ask me this evening if my being with Helen has made me face my own mortality with my own disease. I didn't really know how to react to this question, because to be quite honest, I don't feel cancer is what is going to cause my death. I'm kinda pissed actually that someone thinks it is quite honestly. In any case, I responded with this - 'I learned through this process that my cancer journey is mine, and others have theirs. It is very individualized. Also, there are many kinds of cancer (nobody seems to GET that and it's very frustrating). I was lucky, they know a lot about my cancer, and the drugs worked on mine. But this experience wasn't about me or comparing cancer stories or deaths, it was about being a friend to my neighbors who have been so lovely to me and my family since we met them. I saw Helen more than her own children did the past 2 years. I just showed up for her, as her friend. She would have done the same for me.

My sides, under my underarms are aching a bit this evening, which I think is because my expanders went pretty far under my arm, and they were sewn there, so I'm sure that's healing. It is just sore. But tonight I'm bandaid free! The owies where the drains were seem to be healing nicely. And faster, much faster than they did back in Oct. I'm beginning to think this infection started at the very beginning of this - but I guess we'll never know. I bet I will know as I go through it again at a perfectly healthy and healed standpoint in March. We'll see.

Madeline told me tonight that when we both grow up, we can both be superheros and rescue people who are in trouble. I thought that was a pretty cool thing to say, especially today. On that note, I'm off to bed. Have a lovely weekend all.

God Bless