May I have a little more calcium please? My bones are thirsty.....

Appt in Sedona went well. I realized now that I don't see her but once a month, I had a lot to catch her up on. Let's see, well, boob infection, antibiotics, surgery, more antibiotics. Weird this all happened in a months time. Such is my life.

I love going to treatment (I still call it treatment, which technically it is I guess, just calcium treatment instead of cancer treatment). I get to see all the awesome staff, and all the patients and meet new ones. I am so motivated to be a source of inspiration to the people who are new there. We met a lovely older couple this morning, Bob and Alice - they were a hoot. We had been talking about treatment as he was in for his first, and he said "Well you're young, you fight this thing - I'm 83, I'm surprised I've lived this long!" Then we talked about golf a lot. I have always been one of those types of people who scans a room to see who is around just to get the pay of the land, and today, I noticed a lady in for treatment, around my age I would say, that was not in the 'smiling' mood let's say. I have to say, as a general note, this place, considering what they do there, is really a very upbeat place. The sarcasm flies all over the place, and there is lots of laughter. This woman was having no part of it. She was alone too. I never understood that. How could anyone who knew anyone going through this let them go alone. I just can't imagine. Just knowing PJ was there, even though I slept through the entire thing sometimes, motivated me to continue, in this strengthening underlying way. It breaks my heart to see people there alone, fighting this fight, at least at that moment, by themselves. But again, everyone's journey is different. I am constantly reminding myself of that. I still can't shake that need to help and fix it for them, guess that's just part of who I am. Cancer has intensified this a bit.

We got home, I went and picked up Madeline from school, and I just about fell asleep on the way home. Ooooohhhhhh - I forgot to talk about sleeping. I feel like I am literally in heaven. I slept in my bed last night - ON MY SIDE - and haven't been that comfortable in months. It was most awesome. How much we take for granted simply by sleeping, I never imagined what a difference it made. Wow. So I got to take a nap this afternoon because I keep forgetting - duh - just had surgery last week - need to rest and heal still - and my nap was equally amazing. Considering I've been sleeping sitting up in the recliner for the past, well, 3 months about? I feel so spoiled - and can't wait to go to bed.

So I must admit I woke up this morning and the first thing that popped into my head was - "shit - maybe I shouldn't have posted that picture last night" but then I thought about it for a minute, and yes, it was definitely the right thing to do. Jennifer and I spoke about it this morning and she said that it was kinda like taking control of it. Which totally makes sense. I helps me own this, on a new level. I've been doing that all along, in different ways - but this one is so much more tangible - I mean, for the first time, I can actually SEE what this disease has done to me. Not that the hair loss or anything wasn't part of it too - but this is permanent, this is permanently physically altering. Heavy shit. But also, so right. I don't know how else to explain it. I take my shower now, and for me, my shower times have always been very private, quiet, ME times. It's my moment, all by myself, to think about the day, pray, cry, it's always just been my time for me. It is certainly a time as of late for me to soak in this, what do I call it, disfigurement? I don't know. Alteration? As much as I wish I didn't look like this, I'm more at peace about it than I expected. When something is right, I guess that's what God gives you. Peace. I know this was the right decision. And I'm still here - being me - boobs or no boobs. Cuddling with my Madeline on the couch this evening before her bedtime, her head resting on my chest. Right when I thought I had reached a deeper understanding of who we are as people, something comes along that causes me to go even deeper. What a gift this journey is. What a gift.

Going to visit Helen tomorrow, taking her a picture that Madeline colored for her today. Looking forward to seeing her face, and holding her hand, and just being with her in these last moments. Something tells me she isn't going to last the weekend, but I might be wrong.

Off I go to sleep like a normal person (cue Dina skipping into the bedroom)

God Bless -