I Miss Me Sometimes

So first of all, I must say how gratifying it was today to have the energy to do all the normal mom stuff today and this evening actually. PJ had to work late (and is still working actually) so I had to do it all today, and I am so satisfied to have been able to finally do it. I wasn't in pain, I didn't have to stoop to pick anyone up, I didn't get so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open around 4 o'clock. I almost felt back to normal today. It's funny, I find myself so 'aware' now. Of just about everything. I can consciously change my attitude in a matter of seconds. When I start getting annoyed at something stupid (although it doesn't seem stupid at the time) I remind myself at how lucky I am to be here, to be able to be annoyed at something stupid instead of annoyed at a nosebleed, or my chronic constipation, or my bald head - these things continue to be at the forefront of my brain, and sometimes I wonder how long they will be there. Forever? I don't mind it really, it reminds me to be constantly 'present' in each moment, a gift actually. I went to go and sit with my girls this evening after cleaning the kitchen after dinner and watch Scooby Doo 2 - found them hugging each other on the couch during a 'spooky' part. I just stood there watching them, suddenly taken aback at the fact that I have 2 little girls! Two precious, awesome, beautiful, full of piss and vinegar little girls! I'm their mom - wow. So frickin awesome. Again, present.

PJ showed me this YouTube video of Madeline and I that was posted back in 2007 when we went to Cape Cod over the summer. It was so sweet, but bittersweet at the same time. Again, I look at myself, and I miss being that person. I miss the way I looked, I miss the way I felt at that time - and maybe this is part of me just not feeling 'attractive' at all right now. I know this sounds petty, but when I was fighting and going through treatment or healing from surgery, I really could have given a shit less about what I looked like. I figured I'd get back to caring about that when I was feeling better. Well, here I am, feeling better, and I just feel like this titless, butch hair, overweight, middle aged woman. No, I'm not having a pity party - trust me, you'll know when I am. I'm just frustrated is all. I am once again at that frustrating place of not looking the way I feel. Funny how the same feeling through this process comes up in totally separate scenarios. I suppose this too is a process, I'll be eager to see how this one ends up. I can control some of it, the other I think I'll just have to work out in prayer.

It's late, and I think I'm going to go and relax with my dogs for a bit and do a mindless word search. I suddenly have the urge to do these puzzles - just to busy my mind with something other than serious shit. I feel like I've had a lot of serious shit in my head lately - nothing a good word search can't cure, I hope.

It's supposed to rain all week here - snow for the weekend. I love the rain. Correction, I love to sit and look at the rain, not so much be out with a toddler in the rain. But it's nice weather to cozy in and have some tea. I'm so blessed to have tea because I want to, not because I'm trying to alleviate some side effect. Present. Thank God.

God Bless -