Pardon me, my tit just fell out.

Luckily this happened when I was napping on the couch with Madeline today, and she didn't really notice or care for that matter. I laughed though. I looked down and there it was, rolling right out of the top of my shirt. Hmm.

So I found myself obsessed this afternoon with trying to google more information about this, ironically called, 'Survivor' contestant who died of breast cancer today, she was 37. All the media said was she was stage 3 - but what kind??? I needed to know what kind of breast cancer she had - why didn't anyone seem to think that was just as important to mention????? Then I started thinking, why do you need to know this Dina, is it so you can breath a sigh of relief when you find out it wasn't the same kind you have? That's pretty fucking selfish, isn't it? Needless to say it has stirred up all sorts of things inside me today. It has raised my fear level to Orange. Good thing our first hour of WOW is all about dealing with fear. Thank you Robyn Kauffman. I will be re-reading all that information this week. It's so hard not to be afraid sometimes. Other people can reassure me, can be almost flippant with me, like I'm so silly to think that I haven't beat this thing, but until you walk in my shoes, you can never really know what it feels like. The only one I can really go to, in all my raw honesty, is God. It's so hard to let go of it sometimes. So hard.

If you haven't noted the time yet, you'll see that I did my late night grocery shopping tonight. It was lovely. Not that I don't love my children, but when you are able to go grocery shopping without them, it is amazing how you don't forget anything! I actually got everything on my list. And it's funny, my drive time alone lately has been in complete silence. Not that I don't love my Lady Gaga, I do, dearly, but I've found myself just driving in silence. I feel like my brain is on overload lately. It's like, I'm supposed to fit back into this normal world after not only going through something like cancer, but taking a spiritual journey that has lead to the most peaceful, present place. Frustrating thing is, not everyone resides in this peaceful, present place - and I am finding these people really annoying. I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has come back full force - when I was in therapy years ago and figured out all these reasons for my destructive behavior - it was great because I really did some awesome self improvement, bad part was, I was then able to recognize how fucked up all my friends were. Now, here I am with this new found knowledge, amazing experience, and I'm walking amongst people who complain about how inconvenient the location of a soup kitchen is. I need patience. More patience.

My connection with Ginger is getting strong again, and I am so reassured by this. It is amazing to think of how just a closer physical contact can make a world of difference with how you relate to a child. She and I are like 2 peas in a pod lately, and I love it. To hold her close again, it is the best feeling in the world. Madeline is becoming quite the card player, she keeps kickin my butt at Go Fish. It's pretty awesome to be able to have big kid discussions with her. They are growing up so fast.

Well, off to bed. It' is very late. I hope I didn't come across all crotchety and bitchy tonight, that wasn't my intention. It's just been a day of a thousand thoughts and emotions for me, I tend to have these from time to time now. Probably more of my brain catching up with my reality most likely. Just need to keep it all in perspective. Ginger actually said 'I Love You' in her little 20 month old voice for the first time today, that's about all the perspective I need.

God Bless -