Not quite into the viewing.....

Attended Helen's viewing today. I've never been to a viewing, in fact, I've never seen a dead body before in my life, so this was a new experience for me. Her whole family was there, and there was a room we entered which was filled with pictures of her and her family, beautiful quilts she had made or were her favorite, and the open casket. I have to say, I was surprised. I thought Terry had said she didn't want this, but maybe I misremembered. I suppose decisions may get altered too when the whole family has gathered, who knows. Surprisingly, it didn't bother me to see her this way. In fact, she looked very much like she did in hospice, just much more peaceful, not gasping for air. What I found upsetting was having Terry lead us up to the casket and hold her hand in his, explaining how much weight she had lost the last couple days. He went on to talk about the beautiful watch on her wrist, and stroke her hair with his hand. It was heartbreaking. To me, this was not Helen. Not the Helen I knew. But I wasn't married to her for 19 years. I pray for Terry and his healing. I told him once the dust settled from everyone leaving his house, he'd be coming over to eat my shitty cooking. He laughed.

Helen always told me she had too much to do to die. Isn't this what we all would say? Did she know? She was the "I'm fine!" kind of person, even to Terry I've learned. Did she know? I'm kind of obsessing about this. Do you think it would be better to know than to not know? I'm a planner, so I think knowing would be so much better. Terry told me that he had to 'break the news to her' in the hospital that there was nothing they could do to help her and that she was dying. He said to me today that she said "I don't want to die, I have so much to do". I'm finding this so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Helen's passing hasn't settled in for me yet, I'm finding it disturbing, surreal, sad, confusing. Maybe it will work itself out in time for me. Time seems to do wonders. And no, I'm not going to the 'she died of cancer and this is how I'm going to die' place. To be honest, that never really resonated with me as a logical scenario. This is the first time I've had to literally face death. Perhaps this is a natural reaction.

PJ had a lodge meeting this evening, so it felt good to bathe the girls myself and fix them dinner and basically tend to them all myself. Finally. I keep feeling stronger and stronger. It is really great. At dinner tonight Madeline said out of the blue - "Hey Mom! 'Jesus' and 'Cheese Its' rhymes!" I'm lovin this age. I can't believe she's going to be 5 this year, and starting kindergarten. She's officially referred to as a 'student'. That sounds so big. Ginger has taken to playing these small cymbals quite often this evening, oh joy. She's getting big too. Part of me feels like I've missed out on this connection with her at this age because of all the stupid surgeries I've had to go through, not lifting or holding her, being sick through chemo and just not being there 100% for the past 9 months. I know people say that she won't remember, but I will. I'm mad this disease robbed me of my energy to be a mom. I don't think that will ever go away. At least it hasn't for me yet. Madeline and I continue to connect in a real cool way. She caught a glimpse of my chest recently which I hadn't really planned on revealing to her actually, not without a brief explanation because it looks drastically different than she's ever seen it at this point. But she looked at it, looked at me and said "Your boobies are lookin real good Mom!" I'm telling you, she is an angel. And she's wicked cool too. She and I sing Lady Gaga all the way into town for school. Completely appropriate? No. But sometimes life isn't completely appropriate either. I don't let her listen to the dirty lyrics, so I'm not a complete freak. She does sing 'I want your leather studded kiss in the sand' though - is that bad?

I get to go to WOW tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to, and I'm taking both girls so it will feel good to once again, try my hand at getting my mornings back to normal.

Off to bed, I still get so tired at night. Also, the femara is making my feet hurt lately. Totally weird. My feet feel like they did when I'd get home from work in NYC. PJ of course is so frickin awesome, gives me a foot rub at night. And I hate to admit this, but I think my hot flashes are triggered by certain foods. Salsa seems to be one of them. I'm so pissed. Oh, that's right, my husband is part Mexican so of COURSE it would be salsa - something we buy in bulk here at our house. I'm going to have to really start paying attention and see what feels like what. The Dina Experiment continues.

God Bless