Uniboob by 5pm

Ok. So enough with this frickin surgical bra. Now that I have nothing, flat as a pancake, the little pads I stuff into the surgical bra to fool everyone into thinking I have tits have started sliding around, even though they're in these convenient little pockets. I line em all up nice and even in the morning when I get ready for the day, but by the time 5PM rolls around, they have slid into the center for some weird reason. They end up like, I dunno, 3 inches apart - I look like one of those girls who buys the bra that's 2 sizes too small for her. I know you know who I'm talking about - we've all stood behind one of these girls in line at the grocery saying to ourselves 'did she really look at herself in the mirror before she left the house and said Oh Yea'. And she's usually wearing a white t-shirt too so you can see everything. Anyhoo, one good thing about these pads - PJ and I played with the idea of him giving me a mad titty twister in front of someone who doesn't know and just watch their face as I stand there all deadpan. We'll see if we actually have the balls to pull this off. We'll need to practice without laughing.

Well, some catching up to do for the weekend. Let me start by saying my dear friend Helen passed around 1am Friday morning. Ya know, I just felt this was going to happen when I left her on Thursday. Thank God her family had arrived, and Terry is now surrounded by people who love him and can help him. My job will continue when they all leave, and we all gather as a neighborhood and make sure he stays connected. PJ said we might as well put the leaf in the table now and just keep it there. Agreed. When she first passed, I was having trouble getting the last image of her out of my head. The image of her in hospice, looking nothing like the Helen that I knew and loved. She looked like the dying Helen. I was almost getting sick, literally, that this was the way I was remembering her. I prayed about it. Yesterday, different images of Helen came to my mind first. Images of her over here with me, chatting, smiling and scooping Ginger up in her arms and kissing on her. I'm going to miss her very much. I already do.

I started my classes to become a Stephens Minister today, and it was really pretty awesome. Something different about myself that I noticed, something that has obviously changed through this whole experience, is the way I handle myself in a group of people. It's almost like I had a picture in my head of what I WOULD have been like, before this experience. I would have engaged in a conversation with an over eagerness, so to speak. I would have been 'ON', if that makes any sense. Cancer has given me - well - peace, contentment. I sat there and thoroughly enjoyed listening to all who shared, and spoke when it came to my turn with such a sense of calm, peacefulness. No need to try too hard, to have the right thing to say, to make it about ME. I realized that I used to do that a lot, and still fight the urge to do this. Make everything about ME. Not feelin the need to do that anymore. Thank God. Is this cancer or just maturity? Maybe a little bit of both - who knows.

Hot flashes are back with a vengeance. I thought this wasn't supposed to last but a little bit. They were here initially then went away and I thought I was done. Well, they're back and these flashes are way different too. It's almost like, if I can try to describe this, someone pours a cold glass of water over my head. My scalp, my chest, my shoulders, all gets wicked cold, then wicked hot - then cool all at once. As if I broke out in a sweat, then immediately got hit by a cool breeze and was cooled off too fast. Not sure if this is translating, it's just really annoying. Now, I learned it could possibly be triggered by things you eat or drink. I'm telling you right now, if it's coffee, I'll walk around with one of those idiot hats on with the fan inside, I'll trade looking like a complete ass for a good cup of coffee. I don't care. With my luck, it's probably triggered by chocolate. That would be one way to get me to stop eating it I guess.

Tried sleeping without the surgical bra on the past couple of nights. (that sounds so sexy doesn't it? "surgical bra" say it with me) It felt really weird. To feel a shirt on my chest, with nothing to fill it in. Strange. Just strange. Plus the side part of the incision is still sore - and I guess the bra kinda protected or cushioned it. So, I'll go back to wearing it 23 hours a day. Thank God I went and got a couple more before this past surgery. I only had one and it was looking all chewed on. I put it in the washer with some of Ginger bibs and forgot they were Velcro, so they stuck to it. You pull those off and whatever they are stuck to instantly looks like your dog chewed it up. Nice.

Tired, need to rest. Going to Helen's 'viewing' tomorrow. I'm not sure what takes place at a viewing, so this should be interesting. I wish I could go to the church service, but she was Mormon (didn't know this) and I just learned that if you aren't Mormon, you can't go to the Mormon church without first receiving special permission. Now, I think this is just silly. If anything, you'd think they'd use this as an opportunity to recruit other possible Mormons, right? Someone who comes to a funeral who may not have a faith, seems like they'd be fair game. I think they're missing out here on a real opportunity. I am kinda bummed though. Well, our church prayed for her and Terry on Sunday. That was nice.

I'll close tonight with saying we added another member to our family this weekend. We rescued this little rat dog from a family who had her chained, yes, chained outside. Who chains up a 5 month old Chihuahua?? Seriously. She is sweet, just about potty trained, and pretty cute. We're calling her Charley. I never thought I would have one of these dogs, but we do. And it felt really good to give her a nice, warm place to sleep and a happy place to live. She and Snickers are getting along great, and she's already sleeping with Madeline. Too cute. Speaking of Madeline, when I told her about Helen, I explained that Helen didn't get better, and that she wouldn't be coming home. She asked me where she went, and I said that I believe that she went up to heaven to be with Jesus and God. Madeline asked me where heaven was, and I told her it was way up in the sky. She said 'like up in space?' and I said 'further than space'. She stayed silent for a moment, then said 'I'd like to draw God a picture mom'. I asked her 'why?' to which she replied, very matter of factly "Because he's such a nice guy".


God Bless -