I Miss My Boobies

I know I've mentioned in other posts that I was never really particularly tied to my breasts. I was never really fond of them, they weren't really that big, they were sort of awkward shaped, they'd have the annoying occasional 'brundle' type single hair that grew out of them. But ya know what, they were mine. They were soft and cushy, and now that they're gone, I miss them. I didn't know how I was going to feel, but I feel this way. I know, keeping them was not even an option, and I'm not second guessing my decision at all - I just miss them. I find myself looking at other women's chests and being a bit jealous to be honest. I'm sure they think I'm checking them out or something, bringing the whole lesbian thing full circle, great.

WOW was good today. Awesome sermon series and my class was good too. It's so nice to be able to gather with other women and just, well, be women. I gain so much from listening to others talk about their experiences and their children. What a blessing to have found this place. Sermon series is on Fear and Worry - gee, think that applies?

So I've done some thinking on this whole death thing and I think I've come up with some formed thoughts. I have always believed in a soul, and I have always believed the soul leaves the body when the body stops working. Where Helen was concerned, I feel I witnessed this happening before she actually passed. In any case, I feel like these bodies we are walking around in are simply that, casings for our soul. The idea of a 'viewing' seems silly to me. I'm not criticizing anyone here, this is just my take on it, my views for myself. Once we're gone, the body is no longer a representation of who we are, it's no longer us. To dress it up, put make up on it, lay it in a casket for all to look at just doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather have tons of photos, of me when I was alive, as more of an adequate representation of me. Just put the body in the ground and let nature take it's course. I'm not big on the whole cremation thing, I don't really know why. Something else to ponder, over a light supper with my husband perhaps. When are you supposed to talk about these things? I mean, these things are important, really important to share with each other before something happens. So difficult though. I talked about this with my mom today, and it sucked. But at least now I know what she wants.

I knew that this whole infected expanders thing happened for a reason. I bitched about this in a couple past posts, but knew that it would be revealed to me at some point why this stupid thing happened. It just occurred to me that there would have been no way at all for me to be available to Helen, or Terry, if this hadn't happened to me. I would have had 2 kids in tow all day long, and I certainly would not have taken them to hospice. My surgery allowed me to be there for them, and now I see it as such a blessing. It was all worth it, most definitely. I am also blessed that I have the eyes to see these things, most people don't. You have to look hard sometimes, and have a hell of a lot of patience, to see these things revealed to you. But they always are. Always. That's what I believe anyway.

My little Ginger and I sat on the couch together this afternoon and watched Scooby Doo 2 - one of her very favorite movies. Both of my kids are obsessed with Scooby Doo lately. Anyway, she is sitting there, as content as can be, watching the movie when she turns and looks at me, leans over and kisses my arm. Then goes back to watching the movie. This tiny little person, on this earth but a measly 19 months, is already having things, and people 'occur to her'. She is such an angel and blessing to me, and I'm reminded, especially in moments like this, how lucky I am to be her mommy.

Dr appt tomorrow, to see how I'm healing. I'm feeling actually real good, some pain where my port is - but that is actually pretty common for me. I think it is irritated more now that it's only used once a month rather than weekly. I've been contemplating having it taken out at my next surgery. Dr. Mo had said way back when that when I go in for the surgery to switch out the expander for the actual implants, he could remove it at that time. But, having had it in with the expanders already, it was pretty uncomfortable. The expander kinda pushed on it or something. So I'm thinking about having him take it out when he puts the expanders in. Problem is, my veins aren't that great right now either. Chemo did a little number on them, so I'm not sure which direction to go. When they had trouble accessing my port before, they had to give me my calcium infusion through the vein in my wrist cuz they couldn't get one in my arm. Also, I'll be honest, I'm afraid to have it removed. I feel like having it taken out is saying 'I'm All Done!" and then I wait for the other shoe to drop. I know it's not a positive way to think, but I can't help it. It's turned into a sort of security blanket I guess. Port blanket. Hmmmm.

Well, I'm off to bed. I haven't said thank you lately to those of you who read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for your attention, your prayers, your good thoughts. Everything. Thank you.

God Bless -