Menopause Mush Brain

So this weekend was good. Friday was a bit crazy as I whisked my girls to school, the Y, doctors appts, lunch, down to Phx to visit my mom cuz I really missed her, then back up here for me to prepare dinner for us and our neighbor, Terry. I think we're going to just have him here every Fri night, it is nice. Clearly, I have my energy back, and it feels really good just to be able to do all of these things - really frickin awesome. The exercising is really helping my energy level too.

We went to a panel of kindergarten teachers on Sat morning, and that was interesting as we try to choose the right school for Madeline, who starts in the fall. I can't believe she's going to big kid school. I'm having excitement for her, and sadness for me about this. I just want her to stay small.

PJ and I have had moments of just plain miscommunication, or non-communication lately and that is just sooooo not like us. I can only chalk this up to me, my brain, and how it sometimes doesn't function the way I think it is, or should. I feel like how I want to communicate in my head, doesn't come close to what comes out of my mouth - then that obviously causes frustration for me, and loads of frustration for my husband. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe not - I just know that I'm deeply frustrated with these moments we've been having lately. All I know to do is go and pray about them. My fear seems to get the better of me in situations like this, so I usually need to talk myself down. I'm really good at talking to myself, I've done it all my life, and have found that simply vocalizing your thoughts or frustrations or worries - even just out loud to yourself - actually brings you the solutions. There's a huge difference between thinking things through and talking things through. Even to yourself. Long story short, I talked myself through one of these moments this weekend, in the bathroom - cried it out too. I think I had a week worth of tears built up actually, this was just a good excuse to let it out. What would we do if we couldn't cry??? It is so healing - so cleansing. I'm really good at it now too. I thought I was emotional before, now, let's put on cancer, chemo, early menopausal, no ovaries, no boobs - are we done yet??? Jeesh. I can cry on command now - I should get back to the stage. ;-)

Sat night we went out to dinner with the pastors of our church and had the BEST time. They are so frickin cool, I just can't explain it. We laughed like we haven't in a long time, and dinner was simply lovely. A little more pricey than we expected, but well worth it. We needed that in so many ways. It was lovely. We are so blessed.

Because we splurged a bit off our diet plan last night, I was off to the gym after church today to try to work some of that off - we'll see. I have a pretty busy week this week - class, Sedona on Wed for my calcium treatment, MOPS, I made an appointment finally with a bowenworks therapist to help me with my sciatic as well as my underarm on the right side - I still have no feeling whatsoever under my right arm. I was totally creeped out by it at first, now I think I'm just used to it. Try shaving somewhere you can't feel - VERY CREEPY!! Hopefully she will be able to help me with this. Then parent/teacher conference and girls night out. How awesome is it to have a full schedule??? There was a time where I would look at a week like this and sigh this 'put off' sigh - like I was upset there was so much to do - now, I am so excited just to be able to do all of these things - such a 180 - God is so good.

God Bless -

Who knew what banning TV for a day could accomplish!!!

So Madeline made a bad choice last night by telling her sister to 'shut up', something we don't say in our house. So her punishment was no TV today (thank you Dr. Phil). We initially forgot this morning, and once we remembered she had a mini meltdown, but she did pretty well with it the rest of the day. With no TV, breakfast was eaten in its entirety, lunch was as well, the girls sat together and read a book together, they danced - and naps were taken by BOTH girls. I actually feel a bit guilty. I'm obviously using this as a babysitter way more than I should be. In any case, it was enlightening today, and pretty frickin cool.

Diet is going well, and my chest is continually healing. It looks really great (great meaning healing wise, you know what I mean) I get these sensations from time to time - it must be the nerves rewiring and whatnot. Strange tingly feelings, then like it is cold but its not, hard to explain. I actually had a moment the other day when I went to sit down on the couch and actually anticipated the feel of my non-existent breast on the inside of my arm. That was weird. I'm careful with my exercising of my arms as my sides are still a bit sensitive. Otherwise, the exercising is feeling so great - it is so nice to have this back in our lives again in a way that doesn't disrupt everything else. It took us forever to figure out how we were going to do this, and I think we finally did it.

I visited my good friend today who is also a breast cancer survivor and I asked her how long it was going to be until I stopped identifying myself with this disease - till it stopped being so close to the surface for me. She gently reminded me that this experience is still ongoing for me - that until I'm done with surgeries, and let that all settle in, it will be this close to me. I'm still 'going through it'. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but she's right. I guess I figured that everyone and everything has started 'going back to normal', and yes, treatment is done, cancer is gone - but I'm now smack in the middle of dealing with this physically, and learning to adapt to the actual physical changes this experience has left me with. A constant reminder of this journey, every single moment. Duh! No wonder it's always on the tip of my emotions. Always. I need to thank Lara for this, because first of all, she has such a gentle way about her, she instantly puts me at ease. Also, for validating my feelings in a way probably nobody else could. She's walked this walk, and because of that, she has such insight. What a blessing she is to me. Thanks.

So there I am, all huddled in the corner of the women's locker room like some high school freshman, trying to change my shirt so no one will see my mastectomy scars. Instead of doing this stupid dance, I think I'll just show up in what I'm going to work out in, then change afterwards. This is so silly. I guess I wouldn't have know this until I got started. I'm such a dork.

Madeline is fixated on my 'boobies in a box'. She actually said 'I don't want to feel your real boobies mom, I want to feel your boobies in a box'. I thought, 'Me too Madeline'. If we aren't running late I usually let her - I can only imagine what comes out of her mouth at school. Thank God I let her teacher know on the first day of school what I was going through just in case anything came out from her that may have seemed odd. That is no excuse however of how she explained to me that she doesn't want to sing the songs in Chapel, she would rather sing Lady Gaga in the car with me. Hmmmm. Can't really blame her for that now, can I? Just pray she doesn't break out in those tunes during chapel.

We have a full weekend planned - includes going to a kindergarten seminar to check out the schools up here - we need to make our decision here in the next month or so - I can't believe Madeline will be going to kindergarten. Wow. I really miss NY sometimes - not knocking the schools up here, just wish they had a little more culture, and a lot more color. ;-)

God Bless -

Finally - enough eyelashes to get one in my eye!!

It's pretty exciting to finally have enough eyelashes to find one irritatingly in my eye. I did a small happy dance this morning. My eyebrows came in fine, but not as thick as they were and they seem to take a long time to grown once I tweeze them. Not complaining here, just an observation of how different my new ones are.

Didn't post last night as the laptop was being used by PJ and my computer is in the spare bedroom and Madeline was sleeping in there. We've had some real sleeping issues with her lately - NOT sleeping issues. It's been frustrating, but I'm trying a couple changes to see if it will help.

Had WOW today, and it was really great. As I have mentioned the first hour is a series by Robyn Kaufman called 'Fearless Living' and it has really resonated with me. In some recent reflection I have done, I wonder if I will ever be able to distance myself from my breast cancer journey - it always seems to be just at the tips of my fingers all the time. I'm sure people are tired of me referring to it, and to be honest, I don't want to identify myself with it for the rest of my life, but maybe that is wishful thinking. Someone recently mentioned to me that they didn't know be before I had cancer, and that instantly made me sad. I'm not really sure why, I just was bummed that that was how I was being identified, by anybody really - I mean, I was just Dina before, not Dina the Cancer Patient. Will I always be that now?

So, in Fearless Living, and in any of my spiritual classes really, I'm finding that I'm feeling very alone in my personal relationship with God. I feel that my experience with breast cancer paved this road to Him that I never could have imagined before. I don't mean to sound pompous or anything, but I have such a deep and complete understanding of what this relationship is supposed to be like, it is difficult for me to listen to others search to understand. Not very Christ like, right? Tell me - I get very annoyed at people - but then I realize that they haven't walked my walk - so I can't expect them to completely understand, then I just get pissed off. Again, do people really have to be faced with death - literally - to get this?

I've had people say to me recently things like "oh, her cancer wasn't as bad as yours" or "my dad had cancer and it metastasized and he died" or "I remember how beautiful and long your hair was". What the fuck is wrong with people? Before I knew I had cancer, I knew enough to know that if I didn't know much about something -don't say anything at all. I'd certainly know enough to know that if I was having a conversation with someone with a life threatening illness, death, on any sort of level, is probably NOT an appropriate conversation topic! I'm obviously having to vent here today, this has actually been building for awhile now. Maybe it's the fruit and veggies talking here - kind of a 'truth serum' if you will. Damn seedless grapes!!!

I'm reminded now of something that Robyn said this morning, that I felt enough about to write down, because it's something I have to remember constantly. Here it is:

"We are all called to climb our own mountain unique to us. But we don't have to carry our own pack."

Isn't that the truth. My mountain, for 2009 anyway, was breast cancer. Someone else's could have been unemployment, or a parent being sick, or dying, or trying to have a baby, etc. The list goes on and on - it's all relative. I can't expect anyone to understand, completely, my mountain any more than I could completely understand theirs. We all just have to remember that we are not alone. Ever. We have to love and lean on each other, and turn it all over to God. (for me it's God, for others it could be something else).

Off to bed w/ me - the diet is going well. It's really hard though to fix the girls macaroni and cheese and not taste it. I don't even lick my fingers - am I good or what? Had an egg white omelet for dinner and thought I was gonna ralph. PJ makes them so much better than I do - he's totally cooking tomorrow night.

God Bless -

Where do I put my boobs while I work out?

So - Ginger and I joined the Y today and we're both very excited. Although, her membership card has the wrong name on it I noticed (she's 20 months, what is the point of her having a card in the first place?) we'll fix that tomorrow. I'm looking forward to utilizing my mornings in this manner - and really excited to have the energy to do so. This is going to make a world of difference for all of us, thank you God. I am having a dilemma trying to decide where to store my boobs while I work out - I mean, I'm not wearing them to exercise in - they could get all sweaty and smelly and it's not like they're really attached to anything, they are just held in by the bra, so one could easily shift, or fall out even. And if that happened, I would venture to guess I would be one of the only people laughing. So, I think I'll keep the surgical bra in my locker, then put that one on when I'm done. I'm going to have to wear like a sweatshirt or something though, I would feel too self conscious in just a t-shirt. Ug. As if we women needed anything else to try to organize for our gym time - arg.

Fat Smash is going well today, so far so good. It's funny, you can really see where your bad eating habits are by not allowing any type of snacks or anything, at least I have noticed this today. I am totally a stress eater - I found myself wanting to go straight for the cookie jar when Ginger was having a mini meltdown this afternoon.
No, I didn't take one - I smelled one though. It smelled very yummy. Then I had a banana. Yay Me!

Madeline has been having a real hard time sleeping through the night lately - which in turn has caused me sleepless nights as well. So I'm going to sign off early here to try to get some sleep. I think although she loves these cartoons with ghosts and stuff in them, I think she's getting scared - but just won't admit it. So I told her we were putting any scary monster, alien or Scooby Doo movie and giving them all a break for awhile. She handled it fine, and so I told PJ what the deal was for tonight as I had class tonight - I come home and ask how the whole movie thing went and he said 'fine'. I asked what movie he let them watch for bed, and he said 'The Wizard of Oz'. Hello? Witch? Flying monkeys? I still get a bit freaked out by that scene. Well, they're sleeping now. We'll see. I should just put Charlotte's Web on a loop.

I'll let you know what I come up with for boob storage tomorrow. Who knew this would be such an issue.

God Bless -

Please, no more snow days.

I love the snow. I'm one of those crazy people who really, really love the snow and cold weather. I think it's absolutely beautiful. I'd much rather be in a huge warm sweater than sweating in a tank top. Of course, you haven't seen me in a tank top, but I have - and trust me, you'd pick the warm sweater as well. So yes, I was doing the internal happy dance when school was cancelled for Thurs and Fri due to weather conditions. We had a great time, we made pizzas and sock puppets, cuddled on mom's bed in the morning and watched Scooby Doo - it was awesome. However, Madeline has this energy, this energy that I can only assume she lets out in school - or outside - somewhere. It has been let loose in my home, and it is out of control. She is a crazy child, and she needs to go back to school. I love her dearly, but please, God, let there be school tomorrow.

I think the weather ended up getting me a little depressed by Friday evening. We had my neighbor Terry over for dinner, which was nice - a bit awkward, but nice. I think we'll start having him over every Fri night, start a little routine if you will. But I found myself kind of down, extra tired, depressed. Once we were out on Sat morning (I think we all were a little stir crazy since we were all so excited to go drop off Charley's stool sample at the vet - ya think?) I felt much better. I felt physically better, mentally better - it all just came back together.

My chest is really healing nicely - and I'm now more accustomed to sleeping without any sort of bra on. It still feels pretty strange, but the surgical bra is wicked itchy to wear 24/7 and the other bra that hold the prosthesis is super tight - it's nice to finally have a break. My pajamas look strange with no boobs though - feel strange too. I feel skinny with no boobs, if that's any trade off. And, it's still painful on the sides - where the breast tissue used to be and my muscle meet. It's still sore there when I try to sleep on my side - more so on the right side than the left, which makes sense since the lymph nodes were removed from that side - more intrusion I suppose. Is it bad I wish I could take percocet every night before I sleep? It just seems to let me sleep more comfortably. Maybe it's all psycho somatic, eh? OH - I walked in on PJ watching some Spartacus movie last night and there was this steamy sex scene - and the woman had the most beautiful breasts. I found myself instantly jealous. If anything, I'm really glad to feel this because I know how important the reconstruction really is to me. I seriously was doubting this - but not anymore. Not that this one moment sealed the deal - like I said "that's it! PJ is not going to watch any other naked women without having my reconstructed breasts to compare it to!!!" It wasn't like that - I've been having these feelings for awhile now. Lately, I just really miss not having anything there. Really miss it. On so many levels. I didn't expect to feel this way. After the infection I was about ready to throw in the towel on this whole thing, but I'm actually looking forward to my new boobs, whatever they are going to look like.

Joining the Y tomorrow, so we can pay 2 gym memberships - oh joy. Problem is, I'm in town in the mornings with nothing to do so it makes sense for me to workout then, then have PJ work out at the gym here where we live. We're starting the Fat Smash diet tomorrow (not really a diet, just 2 months of regimented food adjustment) and I'm excited actually. I did a self inventory of my weight life and realized that I needed to get this extra stuff off. This is only aiding in how unattractive I'm feeling, and this, I can do something about. God knows I can't make my hair grow any faster. Plus, I want to be at a more ideal weight when I am getting my fills so I can really see the 'goods'. Ya know? I'm praying for patience, and that I won't completely flip out not being able to have any diet coke for 9 days in a row. Hmmmm.

Off to bed with me now - ready to start this week with a PMA as my dad calls it. (Positive Mental Attitude) Just really hoping my tit doesn't fall out when I'm on the elliptical or something - that would send some people home with some REAL dinner conversation, eh?

God Bless -

Pardon me, my tit just fell out.

Luckily this happened when I was napping on the couch with Madeline today, and she didn't really notice or care for that matter. I laughed though. I looked down and there it was, rolling right out of the top of my shirt. Hmm.

So I found myself obsessed this afternoon with trying to google more information about this, ironically called, 'Survivor' contestant who died of breast cancer today, she was 37. All the media said was she was stage 3 - but what kind??? I needed to know what kind of breast cancer she had - why didn't anyone seem to think that was just as important to mention????? Then I started thinking, why do you need to know this Dina, is it so you can breath a sigh of relief when you find out it wasn't the same kind you have? That's pretty fucking selfish, isn't it? Needless to say it has stirred up all sorts of things inside me today. It has raised my fear level to Orange. Good thing our first hour of WOW is all about dealing with fear. Thank you Robyn Kauffman. I will be re-reading all that information this week. It's so hard not to be afraid sometimes. Other people can reassure me, can be almost flippant with me, like I'm so silly to think that I haven't beat this thing, but until you walk in my shoes, you can never really know what it feels like. The only one I can really go to, in all my raw honesty, is God. It's so hard to let go of it sometimes. So hard.

If you haven't noted the time yet, you'll see that I did my late night grocery shopping tonight. It was lovely. Not that I don't love my children, but when you are able to go grocery shopping without them, it is amazing how you don't forget anything! I actually got everything on my list. And it's funny, my drive time alone lately has been in complete silence. Not that I don't love my Lady Gaga, I do, dearly, but I've found myself just driving in silence. I feel like my brain is on overload lately. It's like, I'm supposed to fit back into this normal world after not only going through something like cancer, but taking a spiritual journey that has lead to the most peaceful, present place. Frustrating thing is, not everyone resides in this peaceful, present place - and I am finding these people really annoying. I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but it has come back full force - when I was in therapy years ago and figured out all these reasons for my destructive behavior - it was great because I really did some awesome self improvement, bad part was, I was then able to recognize how fucked up all my friends were. Now, here I am with this new found knowledge, amazing experience, and I'm walking amongst people who complain about how inconvenient the location of a soup kitchen is. I need patience. More patience.

My connection with Ginger is getting strong again, and I am so reassured by this. It is amazing to think of how just a closer physical contact can make a world of difference with how you relate to a child. She and I are like 2 peas in a pod lately, and I love it. To hold her close again, it is the best feeling in the world. Madeline is becoming quite the card player, she keeps kickin my butt at Go Fish. It's pretty awesome to be able to have big kid discussions with her. They are growing up so fast.

Well, off to bed. It' is very late. I hope I didn't come across all crotchety and bitchy tonight, that wasn't my intention. It's just been a day of a thousand thoughts and emotions for me, I tend to have these from time to time now. Probably more of my brain catching up with my reality most likely. Just need to keep it all in perspective. Ginger actually said 'I Love You' in her little 20 month old voice for the first time today, that's about all the perspective I need.

God Bless -

I Miss Me Sometimes

So first of all, I must say how gratifying it was today to have the energy to do all the normal mom stuff today and this evening actually. PJ had to work late (and is still working actually) so I had to do it all today, and I am so satisfied to have been able to finally do it. I wasn't in pain, I didn't have to stoop to pick anyone up, I didn't get so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open around 4 o'clock. I almost felt back to normal today. It's funny, I find myself so 'aware' now. Of just about everything. I can consciously change my attitude in a matter of seconds. When I start getting annoyed at something stupid (although it doesn't seem stupid at the time) I remind myself at how lucky I am to be here, to be able to be annoyed at something stupid instead of annoyed at a nosebleed, or my chronic constipation, or my bald head - these things continue to be at the forefront of my brain, and sometimes I wonder how long they will be there. Forever? I don't mind it really, it reminds me to be constantly 'present' in each moment, a gift actually. I went to go and sit with my girls this evening after cleaning the kitchen after dinner and watch Scooby Doo 2 - found them hugging each other on the couch during a 'spooky' part. I just stood there watching them, suddenly taken aback at the fact that I have 2 little girls! Two precious, awesome, beautiful, full of piss and vinegar little girls! I'm their mom - wow. So frickin awesome. Again, present.

PJ showed me this YouTube video of Madeline and I that was posted back in 2007 when we went to Cape Cod over the summer. It was so sweet, but bittersweet at the same time. Again, I look at myself, and I miss being that person. I miss the way I looked, I miss the way I felt at that time - and maybe this is part of me just not feeling 'attractive' at all right now. I know this sounds petty, but when I was fighting and going through treatment or healing from surgery, I really could have given a shit less about what I looked like. I figured I'd get back to caring about that when I was feeling better. Well, here I am, feeling better, and I just feel like this titless, butch hair, overweight, middle aged woman. No, I'm not having a pity party - trust me, you'll know when I am. I'm just frustrated is all. I am once again at that frustrating place of not looking the way I feel. Funny how the same feeling through this process comes up in totally separate scenarios. I suppose this too is a process, I'll be eager to see how this one ends up. I can control some of it, the other I think I'll just have to work out in prayer.

It's late, and I think I'm going to go and relax with my dogs for a bit and do a mindless word search. I suddenly have the urge to do these puzzles - just to busy my mind with something other than serious shit. I feel like I've had a lot of serious shit in my head lately - nothing a good word search can't cure, I hope.

It's supposed to rain all week here - snow for the weekend. I love the rain. Correction, I love to sit and look at the rain, not so much be out with a toddler in the rain. But it's nice weather to cozy in and have some tea. I'm so blessed to have tea because I want to, not because I'm trying to alleviate some side effect. Present. Thank God.

God Bless -

Feeling Myself Up at Costco

I love my new fake boobs. They are so much fun. They don't slide around nearly as much as the powder puff ones did - these have some substance, it's pretty frickin cool. Ya know, I remember when I initially started this process, I did not think I was going to be one of those people who would partake in wearing these types of things. Like the hair thing, I was so not into the wig thing like I thought I would be. Felt like it was fake, like I wasn't being me, like I was lying. I don't feel this way with the boobs - and I don't really know why. I think it's healthy though, for me to wear these. It makes me excited for my upcoming surgery, and what I can look forward to, something I haven't felt at all the past 30 days. I was showing them to Madeline and she said "Hey! Can I have one and you have the other one?" I told her that it would be the right thing to do to share like that, but that mommy really needed to use both of them. They each come in their own box, and a pretty big box considering - they're about the size of a shoe box - so they look like presents. Madeline said this morning "mom - can I hold your boobies?" I am loving this. This morning Ginger greeted me while I was getting dressed and she looked up to see me without boobs on. She pointed at my chest and said "ouch". See, she does get it - even at 20 months. Amazing.

It was a good weekend, we were very busy but it was a lot of fun. PJ and I had a date night Sat night and saw Avatar in 3D - which - I must say - was the single most amazing cinematic experience I think I've ever had. It was amazing and it left both PJ and I speechless as we left the theater. Amazing. Go see it.

I removed my tape from my incisions last night and I have to say that my plastic surgeon is amazing - I thought there would be this redness line of a scar, like my c-section incision, my port incision, my oopherectomy surgery, (I have a list now) but nothing - no red line, just a simple crease - it is amazing. Now, I can only hope it will look like this after my surgery in April when they put the expanders back in - cuz that, (fingers crossed) will be the LAST surgery where I'll have to be cut in that area. The removal and implant placement will happen with an incision just under my breast I believe. I'm just so blessed to be taken care of in this manner - to have the surgeon I have.

Church on Sunday was awesome. We were reminded of why we chose this church as our church home. Pastor Nancy's message was about remembering to notice God in all things everywhere, and how we sometimes take this beauty for granted. She quoted a George Strait song that is actually PJ and I's song for Ginger - a song that was popular right when Ginger was born, that really speaks to PJ and I's journey the moment she was born, I Saw God Today. (Madeline's song is Green Day, Wake Me Up When September Ends). We are just so blessed to have this connection, a lot of people live a lifetime without feeling this, so we are blessed.

Here's to a busy week this week - glad we had today to rest up (rainy and cold all week here too). I feel silly sometimes talking here about scars or the lack of scars - when the real issue is cancer, which is gone. THAT is what is important - to be here, on this earth, and love on my kids, my family, my friends. Scars really are not so important. I choose life.

I ordered a t-shirt today that reads "Yes, they're fake. My real ones tried to kill me." Classic.

God Bless -

Finally - I get the longer leash!

Ladies! Let there be cartwheels! Dr appt today went great and I don't have to go back for 6 weeks - can you believe it? Six weeks! Do you know how much hair I can grow in six weeks? I'm thrilled. Also, lifting restrictions are gone as well as clothing restrictions (PJ says I can go topless now) - goodbye sexy surgical bra! (for now, we'll need to reintroduce them after the next surgery in April I'm sure) Needless to say, I'm pretty happy.

Here's some new information that he shared - he feels very confident that we will proceed with the expander surgery in April. In fact we'll most likely book that at my next appointment. This depends greatly however on how I continue to heal. Apparently, if my skin does not heal in the most healthy of ways (it is he says) then we would have to consider doing the flap surgery. This is where they take tissue from another part of my body and form breasts with it - VERY SERIOUS SURGERY. Now, I had no idea that this was even on the table - I thought when I decided to have the surgery I had, the expanders then implants, that was it. Since they had to take the expanders out, that creates more scar tissue. He says the muscle is fine, he's seen that, we just need to make sure the skin heals well and will be able to handle the stretching of the expanders. Oy. I feel like there is always something, something lurking in the background with every step of this process. Like I'm focused on this one goal, then I receive a piece of information that COULD put a potential spin on the whole frickin thing. I'm really getting tired of this. Now, of course, I'm going to focus on healing, eating better, exercising, and really preparing myself for this surgery coming up so I'm ready for it - so I know that I've done everything to be as strong as I can for this. However, to quote Pee Wee Herman in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, there's always a big BUT in these scenarios. Sucks. Tunnel vision, focus forward. Upward and Onward.

So excited I get to wear my new real feeling fake boobies now. The are pretty awesome. I put them on this evening and if someone walked in on me, they totally would have thought I was feeling myself up. They look & feel so real! So happy I don't have to deal with the pads anymore. No more uniboob! I will totally take a picture and post it, let me get the hang of them first.

Talked to PJ today about having my port removed at the upcoming surgery, and here's the conclusion we came to. I can't predict what is going to happen in the future. What kind of sense would it make for me to hold onto something that made me uncomfortable, just in case something bad happened? If I think something bad will happen, will it? Do we have that kind of power over our own bodies? I have been given a gift through this experience of living in the moment. I know fear is common, but as my friend Jennifer said, 'dina, you don't have cancer anymore - so what's wrong with living like you don't'. We can't always wait for the other shoe to drop, because there just might not even be one. We don't know, and we can't know. So, I'm going to chat with my oncologist next month, and if she agrees, I'll have it taken out when he puts the expanders back in. I'm pretty proud of this decision.

We have a good weekend planned. PJ will be helping Terry, our neighbor out tomorrow by driving some family to the airport in Mesa, I'm having a Thank You brunch here at the house on Sat, PJ and I have a date Sat night which I'm totally excited about, then church on Sunday. It feels so good to have the energy and strength to start getting back to our normal lives. I appreciate everything so much more. I am so very blessed.

So, I need to share this cuz it's a little freaky. As I've mentioned recently, Helen's death has brought up some thoughts and theories and basic confusion for me that I never knew I had. So I randomly pick up my bible last evening - quite randomly, in fact, I think I was moving it from the table to my desk in order to set the table for dinner. In any case, I decided to open it up and happened to turn to II Corinthians and stopped at 5 - it reads:

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."

OK, first of all - FREAKY!!!! - that I turned to this so randomly. I don't know the bible well at all, I won't pretend to. But I was definitely led to these verses, and ya know - reading this made me feel such comfort for Helen. Comfort that I didn't have before. Powerful shit.

Have a lovely weekend all, if you see me around town go ahead and check out my rack - I won't mind at all. I'll be wearing the t-shirt that reads "Pardon our appearance while under reconstruction" (thank you Sean);-)

God Bless -

I Miss My Boobies

I know I've mentioned in other posts that I was never really particularly tied to my breasts. I was never really fond of them, they weren't really that big, they were sort of awkward shaped, they'd have the annoying occasional 'brundle' type single hair that grew out of them. But ya know what, they were mine. They were soft and cushy, and now that they're gone, I miss them. I didn't know how I was going to feel, but I feel this way. I know, keeping them was not even an option, and I'm not second guessing my decision at all - I just miss them. I find myself looking at other women's chests and being a bit jealous to be honest. I'm sure they think I'm checking them out or something, bringing the whole lesbian thing full circle, great.

WOW was good today. Awesome sermon series and my class was good too. It's so nice to be able to gather with other women and just, well, be women. I gain so much from listening to others talk about their experiences and their children. What a blessing to have found this place. Sermon series is on Fear and Worry - gee, think that applies?

So I've done some thinking on this whole death thing and I think I've come up with some formed thoughts. I have always believed in a soul, and I have always believed the soul leaves the body when the body stops working. Where Helen was concerned, I feel I witnessed this happening before she actually passed. In any case, I feel like these bodies we are walking around in are simply that, casings for our soul. The idea of a 'viewing' seems silly to me. I'm not criticizing anyone here, this is just my take on it, my views for myself. Once we're gone, the body is no longer a representation of who we are, it's no longer us. To dress it up, put make up on it, lay it in a casket for all to look at just doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather have tons of photos, of me when I was alive, as more of an adequate representation of me. Just put the body in the ground and let nature take it's course. I'm not big on the whole cremation thing, I don't really know why. Something else to ponder, over a light supper with my husband perhaps. When are you supposed to talk about these things? I mean, these things are important, really important to share with each other before something happens. So difficult though. I talked about this with my mom today, and it sucked. But at least now I know what she wants.

I knew that this whole infected expanders thing happened for a reason. I bitched about this in a couple past posts, but knew that it would be revealed to me at some point why this stupid thing happened. It just occurred to me that there would have been no way at all for me to be available to Helen, or Terry, if this hadn't happened to me. I would have had 2 kids in tow all day long, and I certainly would not have taken them to hospice. My surgery allowed me to be there for them, and now I see it as such a blessing. It was all worth it, most definitely. I am also blessed that I have the eyes to see these things, most people don't. You have to look hard sometimes, and have a hell of a lot of patience, to see these things revealed to you. But they always are. Always. That's what I believe anyway.

My little Ginger and I sat on the couch together this afternoon and watched Scooby Doo 2 - one of her very favorite movies. Both of my kids are obsessed with Scooby Doo lately. Anyway, she is sitting there, as content as can be, watching the movie when she turns and looks at me, leans over and kisses my arm. Then goes back to watching the movie. This tiny little person, on this earth but a measly 19 months, is already having things, and people 'occur to her'. She is such an angel and blessing to me, and I'm reminded, especially in moments like this, how lucky I am to be her mommy.

Dr appt tomorrow, to see how I'm healing. I'm feeling actually real good, some pain where my port is - but that is actually pretty common for me. I think it is irritated more now that it's only used once a month rather than weekly. I've been contemplating having it taken out at my next surgery. Dr. Mo had said way back when that when I go in for the surgery to switch out the expander for the actual implants, he could remove it at that time. But, having had it in with the expanders already, it was pretty uncomfortable. The expander kinda pushed on it or something. So I'm thinking about having him take it out when he puts the expanders in. Problem is, my veins aren't that great right now either. Chemo did a little number on them, so I'm not sure which direction to go. When they had trouble accessing my port before, they had to give me my calcium infusion through the vein in my wrist cuz they couldn't get one in my arm. Also, I'll be honest, I'm afraid to have it removed. I feel like having it taken out is saying 'I'm All Done!" and then I wait for the other shoe to drop. I know it's not a positive way to think, but I can't help it. It's turned into a sort of security blanket I guess. Port blanket. Hmmmm.

Well, I'm off to bed. I haven't said thank you lately to those of you who read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for your attention, your prayers, your good thoughts. Everything. Thank you.

God Bless -

Not quite into the viewing.....

Attended Helen's viewing today. I've never been to a viewing, in fact, I've never seen a dead body before in my life, so this was a new experience for me. Her whole family was there, and there was a room we entered which was filled with pictures of her and her family, beautiful quilts she had made or were her favorite, and the open casket. I have to say, I was surprised. I thought Terry had said she didn't want this, but maybe I misremembered. I suppose decisions may get altered too when the whole family has gathered, who knows. Surprisingly, it didn't bother me to see her this way. In fact, she looked very much like she did in hospice, just much more peaceful, not gasping for air. What I found upsetting was having Terry lead us up to the casket and hold her hand in his, explaining how much weight she had lost the last couple days. He went on to talk about the beautiful watch on her wrist, and stroke her hair with his hand. It was heartbreaking. To me, this was not Helen. Not the Helen I knew. But I wasn't married to her for 19 years. I pray for Terry and his healing. I told him once the dust settled from everyone leaving his house, he'd be coming over to eat my shitty cooking. He laughed.

Helen always told me she had too much to do to die. Isn't this what we all would say? Did she know? She was the "I'm fine!" kind of person, even to Terry I've learned. Did she know? I'm kind of obsessing about this. Do you think it would be better to know than to not know? I'm a planner, so I think knowing would be so much better. Terry told me that he had to 'break the news to her' in the hospital that there was nothing they could do to help her and that she was dying. He said to me today that she said "I don't want to die, I have so much to do". I'm finding this so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Helen's passing hasn't settled in for me yet, I'm finding it disturbing, surreal, sad, confusing. Maybe it will work itself out in time for me. Time seems to do wonders. And no, I'm not going to the 'she died of cancer and this is how I'm going to die' place. To be honest, that never really resonated with me as a logical scenario. This is the first time I've had to literally face death. Perhaps this is a natural reaction.

PJ had a lodge meeting this evening, so it felt good to bathe the girls myself and fix them dinner and basically tend to them all myself. Finally. I keep feeling stronger and stronger. It is really great. At dinner tonight Madeline said out of the blue - "Hey Mom! 'Jesus' and 'Cheese Its' rhymes!" I'm lovin this age. I can't believe she's going to be 5 this year, and starting kindergarten. She's officially referred to as a 'student'. That sounds so big. Ginger has taken to playing these small cymbals quite often this evening, oh joy. She's getting big too. Part of me feels like I've missed out on this connection with her at this age because of all the stupid surgeries I've had to go through, not lifting or holding her, being sick through chemo and just not being there 100% for the past 9 months. I know people say that she won't remember, but I will. I'm mad this disease robbed me of my energy to be a mom. I don't think that will ever go away. At least it hasn't for me yet. Madeline and I continue to connect in a real cool way. She caught a glimpse of my chest recently which I hadn't really planned on revealing to her actually, not without a brief explanation because it looks drastically different than she's ever seen it at this point. But she looked at it, looked at me and said "Your boobies are lookin real good Mom!" I'm telling you, she is an angel. And she's wicked cool too. She and I sing Lady Gaga all the way into town for school. Completely appropriate? No. But sometimes life isn't completely appropriate either. I don't let her listen to the dirty lyrics, so I'm not a complete freak. She does sing 'I want your leather studded kiss in the sand' though - is that bad?

I get to go to WOW tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to, and I'm taking both girls so it will feel good to once again, try my hand at getting my mornings back to normal.

Off to bed, I still get so tired at night. Also, the femara is making my feet hurt lately. Totally weird. My feet feel like they did when I'd get home from work in NYC. PJ of course is so frickin awesome, gives me a foot rub at night. And I hate to admit this, but I think my hot flashes are triggered by certain foods. Salsa seems to be one of them. I'm so pissed. Oh, that's right, my husband is part Mexican so of COURSE it would be salsa - something we buy in bulk here at our house. I'm going to have to really start paying attention and see what feels like what. The Dina Experiment continues.

God Bless

Uniboob by 5pm

Ok. So enough with this frickin surgical bra. Now that I have nothing, flat as a pancake, the little pads I stuff into the surgical bra to fool everyone into thinking I have tits have started sliding around, even though they're in these convenient little pockets. I line em all up nice and even in the morning when I get ready for the day, but by the time 5PM rolls around, they have slid into the center for some weird reason. They end up like, I dunno, 3 inches apart - I look like one of those girls who buys the bra that's 2 sizes too small for her. I know you know who I'm talking about - we've all stood behind one of these girls in line at the grocery saying to ourselves 'did she really look at herself in the mirror before she left the house and said Oh Yea'. And she's usually wearing a white t-shirt too so you can see everything. Anyhoo, one good thing about these pads - PJ and I played with the idea of him giving me a mad titty twister in front of someone who doesn't know and just watch their face as I stand there all deadpan. We'll see if we actually have the balls to pull this off. We'll need to practice without laughing.

Well, some catching up to do for the weekend. Let me start by saying my dear friend Helen passed around 1am Friday morning. Ya know, I just felt this was going to happen when I left her on Thursday. Thank God her family had arrived, and Terry is now surrounded by people who love him and can help him. My job will continue when they all leave, and we all gather as a neighborhood and make sure he stays connected. PJ said we might as well put the leaf in the table now and just keep it there. Agreed. When she first passed, I was having trouble getting the last image of her out of my head. The image of her in hospice, looking nothing like the Helen that I knew and loved. She looked like the dying Helen. I was almost getting sick, literally, that this was the way I was remembering her. I prayed about it. Yesterday, different images of Helen came to my mind first. Images of her over here with me, chatting, smiling and scooping Ginger up in her arms and kissing on her. I'm going to miss her very much. I already do.

I started my classes to become a Stephens Minister today, and it was really pretty awesome. Something different about myself that I noticed, something that has obviously changed through this whole experience, is the way I handle myself in a group of people. It's almost like I had a picture in my head of what I WOULD have been like, before this experience. I would have engaged in a conversation with an over eagerness, so to speak. I would have been 'ON', if that makes any sense. Cancer has given me - well - peace, contentment. I sat there and thoroughly enjoyed listening to all who shared, and spoke when it came to my turn with such a sense of calm, peacefulness. No need to try too hard, to have the right thing to say, to make it about ME. I realized that I used to do that a lot, and still fight the urge to do this. Make everything about ME. Not feelin the need to do that anymore. Thank God. Is this cancer or just maturity? Maybe a little bit of both - who knows.

Hot flashes are back with a vengeance. I thought this wasn't supposed to last but a little bit. They were here initially then went away and I thought I was done. Well, they're back and these flashes are way different too. It's almost like, if I can try to describe this, someone pours a cold glass of water over my head. My scalp, my chest, my shoulders, all gets wicked cold, then wicked hot - then cool all at once. As if I broke out in a sweat, then immediately got hit by a cool breeze and was cooled off too fast. Not sure if this is translating, it's just really annoying. Now, I learned it could possibly be triggered by things you eat or drink. I'm telling you right now, if it's coffee, I'll walk around with one of those idiot hats on with the fan inside, I'll trade looking like a complete ass for a good cup of coffee. I don't care. With my luck, it's probably triggered by chocolate. That would be one way to get me to stop eating it I guess.

Tried sleeping without the surgical bra on the past couple of nights. (that sounds so sexy doesn't it? "surgical bra" say it with me) It felt really weird. To feel a shirt on my chest, with nothing to fill it in. Strange. Just strange. Plus the side part of the incision is still sore - and I guess the bra kinda protected or cushioned it. So, I'll go back to wearing it 23 hours a day. Thank God I went and got a couple more before this past surgery. I only had one and it was looking all chewed on. I put it in the washer with some of Ginger bibs and forgot they were Velcro, so they stuck to it. You pull those off and whatever they are stuck to instantly looks like your dog chewed it up. Nice.

Tired, need to rest. Going to Helen's 'viewing' tomorrow. I'm not sure what takes place at a viewing, so this should be interesting. I wish I could go to the church service, but she was Mormon (didn't know this) and I just learned that if you aren't Mormon, you can't go to the Mormon church without first receiving special permission. Now, I think this is just silly. If anything, you'd think they'd use this as an opportunity to recruit other possible Mormons, right? Someone who comes to a funeral who may not have a faith, seems like they'd be fair game. I think they're missing out here on a real opportunity. I am kinda bummed though. Well, our church prayed for her and Terry on Sunday. That was nice.

I'll close tonight with saying we added another member to our family this weekend. We rescued this little rat dog from a family who had her chained, yes, chained outside. Who chains up a 5 month old Chihuahua?? Seriously. She is sweet, just about potty trained, and pretty cute. We're calling her Charley. I never thought I would have one of these dogs, but we do. And it felt really good to give her a nice, warm place to sleep and a happy place to live. She and Snickers are getting along great, and she's already sleeping with Madeline. Too cute. Speaking of Madeline, when I told her about Helen, I explained that Helen didn't get better, and that she wouldn't be coming home. She asked me where she went, and I said that I believe that she went up to heaven to be with Jesus and God. Madeline asked me where heaven was, and I told her it was way up in the sky. She said 'like up in space?' and I said 'further than space'. She stayed silent for a moment, then said 'I'd like to draw God a picture mom'. I asked her 'why?' to which she replied, very matter of factly "Because he's such a nice guy".


God Bless -

Purpose with a shot of Perspective.

I was driving to visit Helen this morning after dropping off Madeline at school, and I thought to myself, 'why are you going to see her again today, you were just there Tues.' I knew it would be a nice gesture, but I found myself wondering what I would say today. I was bringing a picture Madeline had colored for her last night, so I knew that would make her smile.

When I got there, her husband was there with her, and she was sleeping. She looked even more thin and her skin was more yellow today. Her mouth open to breathe, it was an obvious change from just Tues, let alone just this past Sat when I sat w/ her at her home and had a normal conversation. He told me that she hadn't woken up at all yet today, and that they didn't really expect her to. So my conversation on Tues was our last. He told me he really thought he was going to get a chance to speak with her, and so upset and how quickly she was going. He was shaking speaking to me, he began to cry and I held him in my arms. The answer was plain to me, I was there today for Terry. No family was here yet, he was sitting there with her all alone, trying to digest all of this. It was heartbreaking. But I was so glad I was there - at a crucial moment for him I think, the moment it all seemed to become very real to him. I'm so blessed to have been there at that very moment. I asked if the 3 of us could pray together, we did, and he cried, and told me that it was beautiful. We sat while the nurse gave her some more pain medication. As it was explained to me, the muscles in the body just start to give up, so to speak. Therefore, she is having trouble finding the strength to swallow which causes her to start to cough, which seems quite painful for her. Terry wanted that to stop. After a bit I said I had to go pick up Madeline, take her home but I would be back. The thought of her possibly going, and him being there alone just didn't sit well with me. So I came back a couple hours later. She was still asleep, or resting, or drugged, whatever this state is - I've been thinking what this is and I can't quite come to any conclusion yet. I assured him that she could hear him, whether she responded to him or not, and to keep on speaking to her. Her sister finally arrived, and I was overwhelmed with a sense that Terry was now taken care of, he had family around him. I asked if I could just privately read something to her, and they all said yes. As they had their own conversation in the room, I knelt by Helen, hand on her head, and read to her the devotion for today. I then told her, that if she needed to let go, that it was ok. She didn't need to hang on for anything, or anyone, that if she was too tired, it was ok. I'm not sure it was my place to do this, but the words were coming out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. Then I left.

I wasn't as tired today, but when I came home, I felt drained. I feel like the last 2 days were like - 4 days. Do you ever have recollections of time like that? Nancy was here as she always is, and I was able to nap. Nancy - I can't even begin to give her the credit she deserves for all the help she gives to me and my family. I would not be able to heal without her. Plus, my kids are having a BALL with her, which is so awesome to watch.

Obviously this experience has taken my mind of my new 'look' so to speak, which is good. I think I am adapting to it rather well, each day and each shower time seems to get a little better. More grounded in the reality. I had someone ask me this evening if my being with Helen has made me face my own mortality with my own disease. I didn't really know how to react to this question, because to be quite honest, I don't feel cancer is what is going to cause my death. I'm kinda pissed actually that someone thinks it is quite honestly. In any case, I responded with this - 'I learned through this process that my cancer journey is mine, and others have theirs. It is very individualized. Also, there are many kinds of cancer (nobody seems to GET that and it's very frustrating). I was lucky, they know a lot about my cancer, and the drugs worked on mine. But this experience wasn't about me or comparing cancer stories or deaths, it was about being a friend to my neighbors who have been so lovely to me and my family since we met them. I saw Helen more than her own children did the past 2 years. I just showed up for her, as her friend. She would have done the same for me.

My sides, under my underarms are aching a bit this evening, which I think is because my expanders went pretty far under my arm, and they were sewn there, so I'm sure that's healing. It is just sore. But tonight I'm bandaid free! The owies where the drains were seem to be healing nicely. And faster, much faster than they did back in Oct. I'm beginning to think this infection started at the very beginning of this - but I guess we'll never know. I bet I will know as I go through it again at a perfectly healthy and healed standpoint in March. We'll see.

Madeline told me tonight that when we both grow up, we can both be superheros and rescue people who are in trouble. I thought that was a pretty cool thing to say, especially today. On that note, I'm off to bed. Have a lovely weekend all.

God Bless

May I have a little more calcium please? My bones are thirsty.....

Appt in Sedona went well. I realized now that I don't see her but once a month, I had a lot to catch her up on. Let's see, well, boob infection, antibiotics, surgery, more antibiotics. Weird this all happened in a months time. Such is my life.

I love going to treatment (I still call it treatment, which technically it is I guess, just calcium treatment instead of cancer treatment). I get to see all the awesome staff, and all the patients and meet new ones. I am so motivated to be a source of inspiration to the people who are new there. We met a lovely older couple this morning, Bob and Alice - they were a hoot. We had been talking about treatment as he was in for his first, and he said "Well you're young, you fight this thing - I'm 83, I'm surprised I've lived this long!" Then we talked about golf a lot. I have always been one of those types of people who scans a room to see who is around just to get the pay of the land, and today, I noticed a lady in for treatment, around my age I would say, that was not in the 'smiling' mood let's say. I have to say, as a general note, this place, considering what they do there, is really a very upbeat place. The sarcasm flies all over the place, and there is lots of laughter. This woman was having no part of it. She was alone too. I never understood that. How could anyone who knew anyone going through this let them go alone. I just can't imagine. Just knowing PJ was there, even though I slept through the entire thing sometimes, motivated me to continue, in this strengthening underlying way. It breaks my heart to see people there alone, fighting this fight, at least at that moment, by themselves. But again, everyone's journey is different. I am constantly reminding myself of that. I still can't shake that need to help and fix it for them, guess that's just part of who I am. Cancer has intensified this a bit.

We got home, I went and picked up Madeline from school, and I just about fell asleep on the way home. Ooooohhhhhh - I forgot to talk about sleeping. I feel like I am literally in heaven. I slept in my bed last night - ON MY SIDE - and haven't been that comfortable in months. It was most awesome. How much we take for granted simply by sleeping, I never imagined what a difference it made. Wow. So I got to take a nap this afternoon because I keep forgetting - duh - just had surgery last week - need to rest and heal still - and my nap was equally amazing. Considering I've been sleeping sitting up in the recliner for the past, well, 3 months about? I feel so spoiled - and can't wait to go to bed.

So I must admit I woke up this morning and the first thing that popped into my head was - "shit - maybe I shouldn't have posted that picture last night" but then I thought about it for a minute, and yes, it was definitely the right thing to do. Jennifer and I spoke about it this morning and she said that it was kinda like taking control of it. Which totally makes sense. I helps me own this, on a new level. I've been doing that all along, in different ways - but this one is so much more tangible - I mean, for the first time, I can actually SEE what this disease has done to me. Not that the hair loss or anything wasn't part of it too - but this is permanent, this is permanently physically altering. Heavy shit. But also, so right. I don't know how else to explain it. I take my shower now, and for me, my shower times have always been very private, quiet, ME times. It's my moment, all by myself, to think about the day, pray, cry, it's always just been my time for me. It is certainly a time as of late for me to soak in this, what do I call it, disfigurement? I don't know. Alteration? As much as I wish I didn't look like this, I'm more at peace about it than I expected. When something is right, I guess that's what God gives you. Peace. I know this was the right decision. And I'm still here - being me - boobs or no boobs. Cuddling with my Madeline on the couch this evening before her bedtime, her head resting on my chest. Right when I thought I had reached a deeper understanding of who we are as people, something comes along that causes me to go even deeper. What a gift this journey is. What a gift.

Going to visit Helen tomorrow, taking her a picture that Madeline colored for her today. Looking forward to seeing her face, and holding her hand, and just being with her in these last moments. Something tells me she isn't going to last the weekend, but I might be wrong.

Off I go to sleep like a normal person (cue Dina skipping into the bedroom)

God Bless -

Please, poop at Walmart.

So I didn't post last night. I can't really remember why, I think I was just tired. I also was told that my neighbor Helen was being moved into hospice yesterday afternoon, and that made me sad. More on this later. Today, off we went to Phx for my f/u appt for my surgery last week. The drains were taken out, thank God, and it didn't really hurt that much at all. Then the unveiling of the new, temporary looking Dina. Wow. The first thing I said was 'what is that?' pointing to the middle of my chest as it looked like something raised and protruding. 'That's your sternum Dina, your breast bone'. Oh. Wow. I hadn't realized how much space the expanders had taken up, how much shape they actually had given me, until there was nothing. On one hand, I am the most comfortable I've been in months; on the other hand, I look so deformed, it's almost surreal. I was in awe actually there in the examination room. Looking, inspecting, asking questions "ew - what is that? why does this look like that? will this go away? what happened on this side?" Then, once the doctor had left, I just stood there in the mirror, taking it all in. I was prepared for this, but it still took me by surprise. I stay on the antibiotics one more week, and go back on thurs of next week. When we got in the car to leave, I called my mom, Nancy, Jennifer. Each time I told them, I cried. It was like it was actually registering with me the more I had to verbally explain the experience. I hate that I was crying about this, I mean, I thought I had already crossed this 'tits don't define you' bullshit. I thought I had this handled. In between phone calls my husband tells me to put the phone down and listen to him. He tells me that he loves me no matter what. That he sees me, and me alone. He doesn't see the surgery, he sees me. He continues to say the most amazing things to me - and I think to myself, how blessed am I to have this man by my side. There is no way I could, or would have, made it through this without him. And everything I was fearing, from an intimate standpoint, from an insecurity standpoint, he addressed to me, without falter, without me having to say a word. He knew how I felt, and reassured me before I had a chance to fully grasp it myself. Amazing. I was home for a bit, got the kids settled and headed out again. I wanted to go and visit Helen in hospice. It was such a wonderful yet draining experience. When I saw her, I was a bit taken back. Even though I had just seen her on Sat, she looked so much worse than that - I was amazed how quickly we can change when this disease has taken hold. Got over that rather quickly and gave her a picture of my girls. She smiled real big and called them precious. I put the picture on the table right in front of her bed so she could see it. She seemed to really enjoy it. We talked, she faded in and out. It took her time to form sentences to me, but we talked about silly things, like their hot water heater flooding their house. We held hands, and I told her that I loved her and was so proud to know her. I told her how proud I was of her for being so strong and fighting this thing. I asked her if I could pray with her, and she said yes. We held our hands together, bowed our heads and I thanked God for her - I thanked him for my wonderful friend and to fill her with peace, and light, and joy, and happiness. She and I had spoken about this disease. I know she did not want to die, I know she felt she had so much living to do. It broke my heart knowing she couldn't do the things she wanted to do. That in just a couple months time she went from bringing me chicken fried rice to lying in a hospice facility clinging to life. It happened so fast. But as I sat with her today, I was filled with such joy. That I had the opportunity to spend this time with her, knowing that her time is near, I was able to say the things to her that I think she needed to hear, and I definitely wanted to make sure I said to her. How many people get that chance? How many people get to KNOW they are dying and pretty much the moment it is going to happen. I felt blessed to be able to make her smile, bring her joy, peace and laughter today. I wish it could be this way for everyone. I'm going back on thurs to see if, hoping she makes it that long. So I've decided to do something a bit daring. In Oct after my surgery, PJ had asked me if I wanted to post any pictures of what I looked like and was adamant about not doing this. I felt that it was way too personal. I understood the temptation to document this, but I just couldn't. I'm not sure what has changed my mind about this now, but I just can't find the words to describe what this looks like. This seems like the only way. I also feel compelled to show everyone of what we are capable of a handling when we are called to do so. Amazing. I don't want anyone to see something they are uncomfortable with, therefore this has been put into a video format. This way, you can click on it if you want to see it, wait like 1 minute, then the photo will appear. If you don't think you can handle it, then don't click on the link. Simple as that. It is graphic, so please, think about it before you decide to look. I don't want this forced onto anyone, which is why I put it in this format. I just felt compelled to share this. I've shared everything else here in this blog, the good, the bad, now this. My doc says for me to remember that this is just the beginning, not the end. I think I need to write that down on my bathroom mirror so I'm sure to remember it each morning. I'm gonna be like this till the beginning of April, so I think I'll need lots of reminders. But, I am cancer free - which makes all of this worth it. I need to remember that too. Off to Sedona tomorrow for my monthly calcium infusion. God Bless -

Merry New Year!!!

Well, the year rang in like it does every year. I could barely keep my eyes open this year. I think we were all in bed by like, 12:10. I'm just so tired. This has been a whirlwind of a weekend. Mom and Britt left on Friday morning, and we have pretty much just hibernated ever since. I feel good, then tired, then kind of in pain, then good, then tired, then really tired. I hate this fluctuating. I'm just exhausted all the time. My girls are on the mend - runny noses and remnants of a cough, but good. PJ is now sick though - he has what the girls have, so last night I got him all tucked into bed early with some hot tea and vicks vaporrub. He's on the mend as well, but sounds like a white version of Barry White, which, I have to admit, is kinda sexy.

So I look at the new year and it has really caused me to reflect on what I was thinking ringing in years past. I remember subconsciously thinking that I hope something would happen that upcoming year that was exciting, new, different. Hoping that it wouldn't turn out to be a year that just blended in with all the others. Now, I'll take those 'vanilla' years - you bet. Unremarkable is good, very good. I also realized that I never, EVER thought anything like this would ever happen to me. The thought never once crossed my mind - in my whole life. Think about that - can you imagine something happening to you that you literally never saw coming? Talk about a mind fuck, eh? Needless to say, I thought long and hard about what I wanted for 2010 and came up with this, this morning actually.

For 2010, I was to speak His word, praise His name, and do His will.

Now, this probably sounds totally 'preachy', but it really isn't if you dissect it a bit. I want to remember to thank God everyday for all that I have including the days I've been given to have them, share His message and pay it forward. Give to others. I've not been satisfied by such a new years resolution ever before.

I have a neighbor whose name is Helen. She and her husband Terry are probably the most wonderful neighbors on the planet. They welcomed us with open arms when we moved here back in 2007 and we have been good friends. They're older, in the early 70's, but to be honest, I never really saw them as 'old' - funny, I'm finding as I get older, I am seeing people for who they are, not what they are, if that makes sense. In any case, Helen was diagnosed with cancer herself in late 2007. I'm not sure if it was colon cancer that spread to her liver, or liver cancer - and I never really got a straight answer from Helen either to be honest. But she went through treatment, had a real rough time with chemo, but got through it and all went well. I don't think it was ever gone, but controlled. Or so it seemed. This past spring it seemed to come back, right around when I was diagnosed, and her doctor put her on some sort of 'shot'. She was still very active, happy, spirits high. She cooked me so many meals and desserts through my treatment, she was just an angel. She loved to come over and play with the girls, and gossip to me about neighborhood people, so cute. We talked about how we were going to beat this thing. The one thing I noticed, is that she wasn't afraid to come and see me, talk to me, ask how I was doing - unlike some of my other neighbors who kinda of retreated from me when word got out that I had breast cancer. Not in a mean way, just in a 'I have no idea what to say' kind of way. Helen didn't care, and I loved that.

Well, Helen's cancer got bad, real bad just a couple months ago. In Oct, she suddenly stopped coming by so often. I was in the middle of my surgery and recovering, I didn't really have time to question, but I noticed. Long story short, her cancer in her liver is back with a vengeance. It has gone through the bladder wall and is now causing her bleeding and so much pain. She was taken to the hospital by ambulance the other night, then released the next day - nothing was done. I brought her a meal that night, then Madeline and I went over yesterday and brought her another meal and stayed and chatted awhile. She looks yellow. Literally. How can someone change so much in just a couple of months? How is that possible? I told her that she took care of me for so long, now I had to take care of her. I told her I loved her, I gave her a huge hug. Madeline did the same. Terry called us tonight to tell us she is back in the hospital and only has a week or so left. I feel so many things I'm not sure where to start. I know right now I will stay in touch with Terry because I think he needs someone to check in with daily, and I think that needs to be me right now. Bless his heart. They don't have children that come and visit often or friends - it's just the two of them. I'm just so sad. They have her on morphine, which is good I guess. No pain is good. I just can't imagine my last moments being pumped full of morphine. Maybe those weren't the real final moments, ya know? I'm going to see her on Tues. I have no idea what I'm going to say, but I know God will give me the words to be with her, whatever they may be.

So my friend is sick, and tonight I'd like to ask for prayers, good vibes, white light, all that good stuff be sent her way if you wouldn't mind. My mind started, for a very brief second, go to me and my disease and the 'what if' scenarios - but this isn't about me, it's about her. My story is my story, and her story is her story. I'm just so blessed to know hers.

God Bless -