So, do I send the 'Oh that's right - she had cancer!' Christmas card?

I have always done photos for our holiday cards. Family photos. What a pickle, eh? Part of me wants to just give pics of the girls, the other part of me wants to brag a little bit that I can put on the face this year - I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished this year. Learning I had cancer, stage IV cancer, then beat it - not alone I know, but beat it nonetheless. I feel like a picture would show my 'war wounds' so to speak. Then, I just look at the pictures of me and just kringe. Ya know, as I typed that just now, that last sentence, I felt an overwhelming feeling of 'you ungrateful wench' - well, sort of like that, maybe not that harsh. I need to turn this around and be happy I'm alive and kickin and strong enough to put my kids in Time Out. Right? What is my problem? I'm done with the 'I feel ugly' pity party, time to get over it and get on with it. Oy Dina, seriously.

Moving on. I felt really good today. Great taking Madeline to school, we sing Frosty and Rudolph all the way into town. Met my friend Judy for coffee (after picking up a pink Christmas tree for my girls room - so cute!) and just feeling wonderful. In fact, there have been many times within the last week or so I completely forget that I had my surgery. It's so crazy. I forget until I bump into something or someone hugs me then I realize I have my forms in my bra, so I can't feel anything - then I remember. It's actually pretty cool. Again, another lesson in what defines us as women - it ain't breast tissue. Who knew?

My mother and I spoke today that I needed to go to bed earlier than I have been. First of all because I am still healing, slowly, but healing literally from the inside out. And, I'll be taking on both girls for the first time on Thurs since my surgery (6 weeks to the day, coincidence?). In theory this makes sense for me to do - however, I have since taken on a holiday project at my church (I'm in charge of the children's Christmas program for Christmas Eve) along with my MOPS leadership duties and cook and clean and be a mom and wife to my family. Thus, the time is now, 11:44pm on Tues night. Well, we can dream can't we?

I love being busy doing stuff like this that I've always wanted to do, but never had, or made, the time. I am just lovin life - how blessed am I? We've got some financial obligations that are stressing me out, but I'm trying to practice what I preach here and give it up to God. Not in a 'he'll handle it, so I'm outta here!' kind of way, more like I am going to continue to carry on with my responsiblities the best of my ability, and trust that all will work itself out in the end. I hate worrying about money, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I know we're not the only family living paycheck to paycheck - it just gets old sometimes, and scary. Sometimes I feel like screaming "just stop! everything just stop for 2 seconds and let me soak this in!" But it doesn't does it? The beat goes on, just like Sonny and Cher said it would. Damn hippies.

Surprisingly, I'm very tired and falling asleep right now, so I'm cutting this short. I'm having a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss some of the spiritual issues I've been struggling with as of late - I'm anxious to see what comes of this.

Madeline told us at the table this evening that 'God lives in your heart Mom'. Completely random and yet relevent thought, eh?

Till tomorrow - God Bless -