So, today was the day. The unveiling. I was nervous, excited, anxious. I tried my hardest to prepare myself for this. When my dr walked in he greeted me with a big smile and pretty much didn't waste any time and started removing my bandages. He wasn't rushing us, but didn't want to prolong the inevitable - I could tell. So off the bandages came, and I think I was prepared for what it would look like. As prepared as I could be. I do have a slight 'bump' if you will, so there is a slope of cleavage - which, is really nice actually. The tops are indeed sewn up like a drawstring purse. But like it all meets together perfectly if that makes any sense. There is no cutting, no bleeding, no bruising, no swelling. It's really quite remarkable. This part, although hard to look at for any real length of time, was not that bad. Doc even said that I looked perfect and he wishes all of his patients looked as good as I do a week after surgery. Yea Me and My Boob Skin!!!! The part I had trouble with however, was when he went to put some medicated gauze on my tops, and I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel any touch - I knew I was being touched, simply because of the pressure I think, but I couldn't feel any of it. I cannot begin to describe to you how incredibly uncomfortable this was for me. Took me completely by surprise.
And, this feeling really, in a weird way, totally creeped me out. Like nails on a chalkboard kind of feeling. Knowing I have to change these gauze pads out 2 times a day literally turns my stomach. I know I need to get to a place where I'm OK with this, and I'm praying I'll just get used to this, but today, it was really quite a shock for me. I had no idea this was how it was going to feel, and that this was the way I was going to react to it and feel about it. So, that has been difficult. He did say the feeling would come back in time - but not for awhile.
I am, very happy however, to have the ace bandage wraps off. I am moving around much better than I was. He did have me keep the drains in for a couple more days. I told him I was going to do whatever he wanted me to do, and if this is what he thought was best then fine. He wanted my drained amount to be the amount it was (not much) for a few more days in a row than it was. No problem. I really want them out, but will do whatever he thinks is right. So Tues I go back and get them out. Yea! Then he put the bra on me that I got at the special mastectomy place in Scottsdale which has little breast forms in it and off we went.
It felt very strange - this whole thing feels so strange. I was trying to explain to PJ today that it's not like I have a cut on my finger - that would feel more 'separate' than what this feels like. This is so personal, and so hugely 'you' - it's so hard to explain. I can feel the expanders under my skin this evening though - I told PJ it feel like I've got 2 kid size shoe boxes under my skin. Very strange.
So that's where I am this evening. When I start to get upset, I think about the path report from yesterday. Although my cancer had spread, the fact that is is now completely gone from the origination site and that no cancer can grow there again, brings much peace to my heart. It reminds me of why I chose to do this in the first place, and why it is important to me and my family. It makes all of this worth it. I just keep focusing on that, I need to. I guess the 'feeling' thing really took me by surprise - I hadn't banked on that. As much as we try to prepare sometimes, we just never know how we are going to feel. We never know.
My husband was, as always, absolutely amazing to me today. He was so incredibly supportive, told me how beautiful I was, held me in his arms once the doctor had left and told me he would change my gauze pads for as long as I needed him to. My husband is an angel sent to me. For this I am sure. I remember as a young woman dating - and I dated a lot. Never in a million years did I think I would ever find a man who I would trust so completely that I could ever imagine sharing a vulnerable moment like this today. I was very much 'Miss Independent' by Kelly Clarkson. Boy, have I grown up.
Well, I'm going to try to sleep without pain meds this evening. Mostly because I keep waking up, wide awake, various times during the night when I take them. Plus, the whole constipation thing is REALLY uncomfortable, so I need to wean off them anyway. Oh Joy.
Ginger said 'Please' tonight for the first time when we asked if she wanted an Otter Pop after dinner. Being able to hear that clearly outweighs anything unsettling I had going on today. I am so blessed.
Have a great weekend all and a safe and Happy Halloween. Madeline is going to be Cinderella and Ginger is going to be a duck. I could totally be bride of Frankenstein - freak all the kids out by waving my drains around, eh? Bad choice?
I'll have pics for sure to post come Monday. God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Yankees in the World Series and Clear Path Report - God Is Sooooo Good!!!
So, getting ready to watch my Yankees this evening in Game 1 of the World Series, when my home phone rings. It is my awesome surgeon, who tells me the results of the pathology report. Get this, they removed 27 lymph nodes from under my right arm - 27! And guess what? All clear - no cancer in ANY of them. Can you believe this? He told me to celebrate the good news and have a cocktail. Now remember, this is ironically where this whole thing started, the swollen lymph node I felt under my arm that sent me to get it checked out in March. When I had it biopsied, it indeed came back positive for cancer cells - that was just in April. Now here we are, October, and it is gone. God is so good. Wow. Fuckin Wow Wow Wow.
Sorry I didn't write last night. I'm trying to wean myself off these pain meds a bit, and in the evening, it is so hard for me to keep myself sitting up for any length of time. My chest muscles are obviously very sore and strained, so who knows what this is doing to my back muscles. Yesterday I was really drugged most of the day - I think I did a bit too much on Monday and paid for it yesterday. Today was better. I'm having such awesome bonding time w/ Nancy. We are having an opportunity to talk about things and laugh and cry and be women - it's been really great. She is taking such great care of me, and my family. I am very blessed. What precious time this is for us - who knew.
I'm feeling OK I guess - it's still really hard for me to get up out of bed or in the lazy boy or couch without help - sitting down in a chair and getting up I'm fine - which is good. But this binding around my chest is really getting annoying now. If I try to speak for a long period of time I run out of breath, and it itches horribly, and the drains - well, they kinda made me nauseous this evening. And they're MINE! Does that make any sense at all? So, PJ and I are going to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for the one week f/u appt - and the plan is, hopefully, to remove the wrap and drains - let's pray for that. Otherwise, not only do I have to deal with it for like, 4-5 more days, but I need to go back down to Phx next week. Good thing about that is? There's a Dunkin Donuts right on the way to my docs office - thank you God! Back east we didn't have any problem finding our beloved coffee delights, here in the sticks - there are like, 3 in the whole frickin state. Arg.
It's funny, I've come such a long way with this trust thing. I sat in my Lazy Boy today getting ready to nap and said a little prayer. I told God that I was ready for whatever the path report had to say. Good, bad, indifferent, I was ready. I wasn't scared - I was just ready to take anything on. The whole conversation brought me so much peace. It was perfect. Then, my call. My good friend got good news today too - and I'm not going to go into any detail accept she had found a lump, and it has turned out to be nothing serious. Again, trust. Not that trust will always bring you positive results, but it makes you enjoy the results that much more when they are positive. You feel peace either way.
You know, my husband actually washed my hair (yes, I have enough to wash now!) last night. It felt amazing. Not that it hadn't been washed in awhile, but that my husband did it for me. It was amazing. He is taking such great care of me. I thank God everyday for the beautiful man I am married to. As Maria says in The Sound of Music "somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good". I must have to deserve this awesome man.
It's funny, here I am surrounded by all these awesome people. My husband, my children, my friends, my mom, my dad, Nancy, my niece, my brother in law and his partner, my church, my pastors, my community - a community of people I don't even know that pray for me. Yet I find myself fixated on someone that I really wanted to show up for me, that didn't. Didn't at all. I saw this whole experience as a real opportunity for her to be there for me the way she hasn't in the past - a chance for our relationship to be what I always wanted it to be - that maybe this cancer, with all the gifts it has given me, would give me this relationship. It did not. I think this had to be me trying to control these things around me - and I am painfully reminded once again, I am not in control of this. Pisses me off. And, this really hurt my feelings. But, I know that I have to wrap myself in the arms of God and all you who are caring for me and loving on me, because that is what has healed me - or at least, is a huge part of what has healed me. And just hope that one day, she will come around and hopefully feel all of this that I have been blessed to feel. It's hard to open yourself up to things like this, it's hard to be vulnerable and open and sick and hurting and then even harder to let people see it then help you. It's the hardest thing in the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who just aren't there yet, and as badly as we want them to be there for us, they just aren't capable of it. We forget what it takes to be a friend to someone. Some people just aren't capable of it - because they are so lost in who they are - it doesn't even occur to them to show up for someone else - maybe that's it. Alright, I'm glad I got that out of my brain, it's been wandering around in there all week.
Enough Percocet babble, my hubby is going to give me my spit bath now (I know, you're jealous) I am thankful for a wonderful day. I'll be in touch tomorrow. I haven't thought much about how I am going to feel when he takes the bandages off. I think I just want them off for a bit so I can breathe - that's really been my focus. And, I know there will just be scarring on the tops only, since that is the only place they cut. I don't think I really can prepare, I can't even imagine. I'm glad to have my hubby with me - and after all, they're just boobs. They'll be looking perky here in no time. I need to remember my docs words - this is just the beginning, not the end. And God, bring on my sense of humor!
God Bless -
Sorry I didn't write last night. I'm trying to wean myself off these pain meds a bit, and in the evening, it is so hard for me to keep myself sitting up for any length of time. My chest muscles are obviously very sore and strained, so who knows what this is doing to my back muscles. Yesterday I was really drugged most of the day - I think I did a bit too much on Monday and paid for it yesterday. Today was better. I'm having such awesome bonding time w/ Nancy. We are having an opportunity to talk about things and laugh and cry and be women - it's been really great. She is taking such great care of me, and my family. I am very blessed. What precious time this is for us - who knew.
I'm feeling OK I guess - it's still really hard for me to get up out of bed or in the lazy boy or couch without help - sitting down in a chair and getting up I'm fine - which is good. But this binding around my chest is really getting annoying now. If I try to speak for a long period of time I run out of breath, and it itches horribly, and the drains - well, they kinda made me nauseous this evening. And they're MINE! Does that make any sense at all? So, PJ and I are going to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for the one week f/u appt - and the plan is, hopefully, to remove the wrap and drains - let's pray for that. Otherwise, not only do I have to deal with it for like, 4-5 more days, but I need to go back down to Phx next week. Good thing about that is? There's a Dunkin Donuts right on the way to my docs office - thank you God! Back east we didn't have any problem finding our beloved coffee delights, here in the sticks - there are like, 3 in the whole frickin state. Arg.
It's funny, I've come such a long way with this trust thing. I sat in my Lazy Boy today getting ready to nap and said a little prayer. I told God that I was ready for whatever the path report had to say. Good, bad, indifferent, I was ready. I wasn't scared - I was just ready to take anything on. The whole conversation brought me so much peace. It was perfect. Then, my call. My good friend got good news today too - and I'm not going to go into any detail accept she had found a lump, and it has turned out to be nothing serious. Again, trust. Not that trust will always bring you positive results, but it makes you enjoy the results that much more when they are positive. You feel peace either way.
You know, my husband actually washed my hair (yes, I have enough to wash now!) last night. It felt amazing. Not that it hadn't been washed in awhile, but that my husband did it for me. It was amazing. He is taking such great care of me. I thank God everyday for the beautiful man I am married to. As Maria says in The Sound of Music "somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good". I must have to deserve this awesome man.
It's funny, here I am surrounded by all these awesome people. My husband, my children, my friends, my mom, my dad, Nancy, my niece, my brother in law and his partner, my church, my pastors, my community - a community of people I don't even know that pray for me. Yet I find myself fixated on someone that I really wanted to show up for me, that didn't. Didn't at all. I saw this whole experience as a real opportunity for her to be there for me the way she hasn't in the past - a chance for our relationship to be what I always wanted it to be - that maybe this cancer, with all the gifts it has given me, would give me this relationship. It did not. I think this had to be me trying to control these things around me - and I am painfully reminded once again, I am not in control of this. Pisses me off. And, this really hurt my feelings. But, I know that I have to wrap myself in the arms of God and all you who are caring for me and loving on me, because that is what has healed me - or at least, is a huge part of what has healed me. And just hope that one day, she will come around and hopefully feel all of this that I have been blessed to feel. It's hard to open yourself up to things like this, it's hard to be vulnerable and open and sick and hurting and then even harder to let people see it then help you. It's the hardest thing in the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who just aren't there yet, and as badly as we want them to be there for us, they just aren't capable of it. We forget what it takes to be a friend to someone. Some people just aren't capable of it - because they are so lost in who they are - it doesn't even occur to them to show up for someone else - maybe that's it. Alright, I'm glad I got that out of my brain, it's been wandering around in there all week.
Enough Percocet babble, my hubby is going to give me my spit bath now (I know, you're jealous) I am thankful for a wonderful day. I'll be in touch tomorrow. I haven't thought much about how I am going to feel when he takes the bandages off. I think I just want them off for a bit so I can breathe - that's really been my focus. And, I know there will just be scarring on the tops only, since that is the only place they cut. I don't think I really can prepare, I can't even imagine. I'm glad to have my hubby with me - and after all, they're just boobs. They'll be looking perky here in no time. I need to remember my docs words - this is just the beginning, not the end. And God, bring on my sense of humor!
God Bless -
Monday, October 26, 2009
Chinese Drywall Boobs
So, PJ and I were talking about the contaminated drywall ordered by contractors in the housing boom way back when that is now causing people's homes to be contaminated, claims denied on their homeowners policies and not losing their homes because they can't get coverage. We were discussing this this evening while he was washing me with my hospital cloths, and making the comparison that I had contaminated drywall boobs, but now have new improved, uncontaminated boobs. He started this conversation, at least I have pain killers to explain my thought patters lately.
Anyhoo - OK day today, just trying to get into a rhythm here at home. It's so frustrating to not be able to be very mobile - I had no idea. There were moments today where I literally just stood in the middle of the room and almost screamed because I knew I needed to do something, and just couldn't do it. Then I knew I needed to just relax and be at peace, and listen. I need to listen to my body, and give it what it needs. I have to. How blessed I am that I am able to do this. Nancy is such a blessing. She will be staying with me all day for awhile until I can get my strength back. Trying to line up some other help so I don't burn her our bless her heart, we'll see how that goes.
Pain today continues to be strange. I get cold, like chilled all over. I know this is my body healing, but such a strange sensation. Not feverish, just cold, on the inside. Then, if you have ever been to the chiropractor and had him place those little electrodes on your back? I get those feelings every now and then on my chest. Along with the muscle pain whenever I use these muscles, which is, pretty much all the time. But, I am able to get up and down by myself, and actually sat sideways on the couch this evening for a bit while watching Heroes. So, slow and steady wins the race here.
My girls are great - still really miss holding my little Ginger, but we've found a way to have her hug me with a pillow between us. Not the same, but a hug nonetheless, and I'll take it.
I'm starting to have a little anxiety about Thurs, getting my bandages removed for the first time, but know if I just think on this a bit longer, I feel at peace. Just need to remember to let myself get there each time my brain goes there, if that makes any sense.
Forgive me for the Stephen King endings on my posts lately, but they are just going to be a bit short for awhile, it's really hard for me to sit up and type for very long. So off I go. Thanks to Jessica for her visit today and the yummy dinner. You kept my family fed and happy this evening, I am forever grateful.
God Bless -
Anyhoo - OK day today, just trying to get into a rhythm here at home. It's so frustrating to not be able to be very mobile - I had no idea. There were moments today where I literally just stood in the middle of the room and almost screamed because I knew I needed to do something, and just couldn't do it. Then I knew I needed to just relax and be at peace, and listen. I need to listen to my body, and give it what it needs. I have to. How blessed I am that I am able to do this. Nancy is such a blessing. She will be staying with me all day for awhile until I can get my strength back. Trying to line up some other help so I don't burn her our bless her heart, we'll see how that goes.
Pain today continues to be strange. I get cold, like chilled all over. I know this is my body healing, but such a strange sensation. Not feverish, just cold, on the inside. Then, if you have ever been to the chiropractor and had him place those little electrodes on your back? I get those feelings every now and then on my chest. Along with the muscle pain whenever I use these muscles, which is, pretty much all the time. But, I am able to get up and down by myself, and actually sat sideways on the couch this evening for a bit while watching Heroes. So, slow and steady wins the race here.
My girls are great - still really miss holding my little Ginger, but we've found a way to have her hug me with a pillow between us. Not the same, but a hug nonetheless, and I'll take it.
I'm starting to have a little anxiety about Thurs, getting my bandages removed for the first time, but know if I just think on this a bit longer, I feel at peace. Just need to remember to let myself get there each time my brain goes there, if that makes any sense.
Forgive me for the Stephen King endings on my posts lately, but they are just going to be a bit short for awhile, it's really hard for me to sit up and type for very long. So off I go. Thanks to Jessica for her visit today and the yummy dinner. You kept my family fed and happy this evening, I am forever grateful.
God Bless -
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Is This What A Corsett Feels Like?
Greetings all - Dina here. Thank much to my fabulous hubby - not only for posting for me, but for taking such wonderful care of me. I knew I was blessed, but had no idea idea just how blessed. It's like I keep getting to see how much greater my husband is. So incredibly cool, so incredibly loving - when I was little and had a picture of what 'marriage' was, I had no idea it could ever feel like this.
Anyway, I digress. Here I sit this fair Sunday evening, the Yankees just won (Hip! Hip! Jorge!!!!) and I am reclining now in my most comfy lazy boy recliner getting ready to fall asleep. Thanks to Mom for getting me this recliner - it is the most comfortable thing for me. Thank you! I'm feeling OK - sore, very sore and they have my chest strapped in this ace bandage thing so incredibly tight - I could hardly breathe when I came to on Thursday evening. Hard to speak. I think I've got accustomed to this, but this is the way it will stay until I go to my f/u appt on Thurs morning. So, you guessed it, no shower till then - arg. BUT - my day nurse at the hospital gave me a handful of these 'bathing cloths' that work really well, and my husband has been helping me. This experience, like all the others I've had with cancer, has humbled me yet again. Really weird to not be able to wash yourself - makes you realize what you are made of, from the inside out. Imagine, having someone wash you because you can't do it yourself - surreal, seriously.
I've been on pain meds since Thurs - they had me on morphine in the hospital which made me incredibly nauseous. After I couldn't get my night nurse to bring me the anti nausea meds fast enough, I asked for something else. So it's been Percocet ever since. I've been good about taking them, and they've been managing the pain just fine. It's hard to tell sometimes if it is the surgery that is hurting or the wrap that hurts - it is seriously tight. And yes, I have 2 drains on either side of my chest. They are suction drains, and look like little plastic grenades attached to skinny tubes. When your body has a void in it (something gets removed, like tissue) it wants to fill this void and balance it out - so it fills it with fluid. We don't want this to happen, thus the super tight wrap, and the drains. So PJ empties my drains ever 4-5 hours and we have to keep track of how much fluid comes out of each one, then report that to the dr on Thurs. If it is normal and on track, I hopefully will have the drains removed at my appt on Thurs. So I'm prayin for that. Again, this experience is most humbling. The drains aren't as gross as I thought they would be, but, I won't be sad to see them go, that is for sure. The camisoles I got at Tinas Treasures are just perfect, the have pockets inside them to hold the drains. Perfect.
So this is the new normal. I almost got used to it at the hotel. That really was just the best idea, I'm so glad my first couple of days were spent there. It was quiet and safe and comfy. Just perfect. I'm so glad to be home now, but it just kills me to hear Ginger crying for me to hold her and I can't. She doesn't understand, and it just breaks my heart. I know, we'll all get accustomed, it's just hard.
What a blessing my family and friends are - once again. Nancy and my Dad for taking care of my kids while we were in Phx, Jennifer and Amy for taking Madeline home, Nancy and Amy for chasing my dog when it ran out the door (I am sooo sorry - she is such a shit sometimes), Sean and Joe for bringing me that wicked cool toilet seat thingy and table and donuts and coffee, my mom for bringing me such snuggly pajamas and food all weekend, Tracey for coming and spending time chatting with me on Sat, and everyone who prayed for me and sent me good vibes. Once again, they obviously worked. The power of prayer is so amazing, I am living proof - literally.
Getting fuzzy headed now, so I will sign off. I'm trying to prepare my brain and my ego to accept serious help for the next 5 weeks. I can't lift anything heavier than 10 lb - so Nancy is going to be my guardian angel here with Ginger, and PJ will be Mr. Mom taking Madeline to school for some time. Gotta let go. Gotta let God work his magic through these fabulous people in my life.
I thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers, your well wishes. I am doing just great because of them. Have a great week everyone & God Bless -
Anyway, I digress. Here I sit this fair Sunday evening, the Yankees just won (Hip! Hip! Jorge!!!!) and I am reclining now in my most comfy lazy boy recliner getting ready to fall asleep. Thanks to Mom for getting me this recliner - it is the most comfortable thing for me. Thank you! I'm feeling OK - sore, very sore and they have my chest strapped in this ace bandage thing so incredibly tight - I could hardly breathe when I came to on Thursday evening. Hard to speak. I think I've got accustomed to this, but this is the way it will stay until I go to my f/u appt on Thurs morning. So, you guessed it, no shower till then - arg. BUT - my day nurse at the hospital gave me a handful of these 'bathing cloths' that work really well, and my husband has been helping me. This experience, like all the others I've had with cancer, has humbled me yet again. Really weird to not be able to wash yourself - makes you realize what you are made of, from the inside out. Imagine, having someone wash you because you can't do it yourself - surreal, seriously.
I've been on pain meds since Thurs - they had me on morphine in the hospital which made me incredibly nauseous. After I couldn't get my night nurse to bring me the anti nausea meds fast enough, I asked for something else. So it's been Percocet ever since. I've been good about taking them, and they've been managing the pain just fine. It's hard to tell sometimes if it is the surgery that is hurting or the wrap that hurts - it is seriously tight. And yes, I have 2 drains on either side of my chest. They are suction drains, and look like little plastic grenades attached to skinny tubes. When your body has a void in it (something gets removed, like tissue) it wants to fill this void and balance it out - so it fills it with fluid. We don't want this to happen, thus the super tight wrap, and the drains. So PJ empties my drains ever 4-5 hours and we have to keep track of how much fluid comes out of each one, then report that to the dr on Thurs. If it is normal and on track, I hopefully will have the drains removed at my appt on Thurs. So I'm prayin for that. Again, this experience is most humbling. The drains aren't as gross as I thought they would be, but, I won't be sad to see them go, that is for sure. The camisoles I got at Tinas Treasures are just perfect, the have pockets inside them to hold the drains. Perfect.
So this is the new normal. I almost got used to it at the hotel. That really was just the best idea, I'm so glad my first couple of days were spent there. It was quiet and safe and comfy. Just perfect. I'm so glad to be home now, but it just kills me to hear Ginger crying for me to hold her and I can't. She doesn't understand, and it just breaks my heart. I know, we'll all get accustomed, it's just hard.
What a blessing my family and friends are - once again. Nancy and my Dad for taking care of my kids while we were in Phx, Jennifer and Amy for taking Madeline home, Nancy and Amy for chasing my dog when it ran out the door (I am sooo sorry - she is such a shit sometimes), Sean and Joe for bringing me that wicked cool toilet seat thingy and table and donuts and coffee, my mom for bringing me such snuggly pajamas and food all weekend, Tracey for coming and spending time chatting with me on Sat, and everyone who prayed for me and sent me good vibes. Once again, they obviously worked. The power of prayer is so amazing, I am living proof - literally.
Getting fuzzy headed now, so I will sign off. I'm trying to prepare my brain and my ego to accept serious help for the next 5 weeks. I can't lift anything heavier than 10 lb - so Nancy is going to be my guardian angel here with Ginger, and PJ will be Mr. Mom taking Madeline to school for some time. Gotta let go. Gotta let God work his magic through these fabulous people in my life.
I thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers, your well wishes. I am doing just great because of them. Have a great week everyone & God Bless -
Friday, October 23, 2009
Titleless.... and then some
Well, this is PJ, Dina's husband, posting on her behalf. Just to be clear, this will be short and sweet.
Yesterday started good and continued to be better. Saying our goodbyes to Ginger, dropping Madeline off at school, then driving to Phoenix. Once we got to the hospital, we registered and were on our way.
The first bit of good news was from Dr. Zannis, Dina's breast surgeon. He stated that the procedure would take about 3 to 4 hours, instead of the time we had made-up, which was 6 to 7 hours. This was great news to all of us. Seems that once Dr. Zannis finished on one side, he would move to the other side and Dr. Mosharaffa (from now on referred to a Dr. Mo) would step in. This cut the time needed in half.
We said our goodbyes in the prep area and Dina was well on her way. Before I go any further, its important to note that Dr. Zannis looked like the Maestro, with his glasses on the tip of his nose, doctor's jacket flowing behind him, moustache and goatee; all he needed was a conductor's baton and creepy Die Hard accent and the look would have been complete.
Dr. Zannis emerged about an hour and a half later with excellent news. Everything had progressed nicely and to plan. He reported that Dr. Mo was finishing up and should be out shortly.
Dr. Mo came in about an hour later, seeming to skip in. He reported that everything had gone swimmingly, even to the point where he was able to fill Dina's implants half-way. This will eventually cut the time of this last part of her process in half. What great news! When we shared this with Dina (about 6 hours later, when she was coherent enough) she thought we were kidding.
The night nurses were clearly no too happy to be working, at least that night, but the day shift on Friday made up for this and more. Such nice ladies and very attentive.
Dina and I were napping this afternoon when the nurse came in and asked Dina if she wanted to go home. We both had to quickly wake-up, figure out what was going on, sign papers, pack the car, get Dina dressed and off we went. Out of the hospital almost exactly 24 hours after she had come out of surgery. Can you believe it?
We're now at the Pointe Tapatio Cliffs in Phoenix. A lovely room that works perfectly for rest and healing before we get back home on Sunday. My only question is, for such a nightly rate, why isn't the Internet wireless or free (cue eye-roll from Dina)?
That's about it from me. We've got the patient clean and dressed in her kitty cat pajamas and ready for some serious bed time. I'm sure Dina will be back on Monday.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers that continue as we move towards the finish line.
PJ-
Yesterday started good and continued to be better. Saying our goodbyes to Ginger, dropping Madeline off at school, then driving to Phoenix. Once we got to the hospital, we registered and were on our way.
The first bit of good news was from Dr. Zannis, Dina's breast surgeon. He stated that the procedure would take about 3 to 4 hours, instead of the time we had made-up, which was 6 to 7 hours. This was great news to all of us. Seems that once Dr. Zannis finished on one side, he would move to the other side and Dr. Mosharaffa (from now on referred to a Dr. Mo) would step in. This cut the time needed in half.
We said our goodbyes in the prep area and Dina was well on her way. Before I go any further, its important to note that Dr. Zannis looked like the Maestro, with his glasses on the tip of his nose, doctor's jacket flowing behind him, moustache and goatee; all he needed was a conductor's baton and creepy Die Hard accent and the look would have been complete.
Dr. Zannis emerged about an hour and a half later with excellent news. Everything had progressed nicely and to plan. He reported that Dr. Mo was finishing up and should be out shortly.
Dr. Mo came in about an hour later, seeming to skip in. He reported that everything had gone swimmingly, even to the point where he was able to fill Dina's implants half-way. This will eventually cut the time of this last part of her process in half. What great news! When we shared this with Dina (about 6 hours later, when she was coherent enough) she thought we were kidding.
The night nurses were clearly no too happy to be working, at least that night, but the day shift on Friday made up for this and more. Such nice ladies and very attentive.
Dina and I were napping this afternoon when the nurse came in and asked Dina if she wanted to go home. We both had to quickly wake-up, figure out what was going on, sign papers, pack the car, get Dina dressed and off we went. Out of the hospital almost exactly 24 hours after she had come out of surgery. Can you believe it?
We're now at the Pointe Tapatio Cliffs in Phoenix. A lovely room that works perfectly for rest and healing before we get back home on Sunday. My only question is, for such a nightly rate, why isn't the Internet wireless or free (cue eye-roll from Dina)?
That's about it from me. We've got the patient clean and dressed in her kitty cat pajamas and ready for some serious bed time. I'm sure Dina will be back on Monday.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers that continue as we move towards the finish line.
PJ-
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Boobs/Shmoobs
Well, here we are - mastectomy eve. I'm feeling pretty good. Much better than yesterday. I didn't blog last evening because it was one of the most emotional days I think I've had through this entire process. I just couldn't get a handle on myself or what I was feeling. It was like I felt something different every moment of the day, it was very unsettling. To boot, PJ and I had argued throughout the day, and that just didn't sit well with me. PJ and I rarely fight, so when we do, it's really emotional for me. Good thing is, I was able to realize how important it was for he and I to figure it out and get through it, because this was the time we needed to be together as a team, not spilt apart by egos or finger pointing. So, we were up fixing this till about 1am - and I was tired and went to bed.
Woke up this morning all refreshed, felt good. Had an amazing morning at WOW and then an amazing prayer circle. There is so much power in these things, I can't even begin to explain. I am continually reminded how blessed I am to have found these women, this church, this family. They keep me plugged in.
I think I am ready for this - ready to wake up to this after surgery. I think I am - I mean, how can you really know? You just do it - you have to. What is the alternative, right? There really isn't one for me - I mean, I look at my kids and I know this is the right decision. Even if the next six weeks will royally suck, it will be well worth it if it buys me my life, right? I went online the other day and looked for pictures of women who have had this done - and it wasn't all that bad. It's so hard to picture yourself in these situations, because everyones bodies are so different - it's just going to look different. I'm trying not to say 'wrong' because I would hate to think of my physical self as 'wrong' - just different.
On the other hand, a huge part of me feels like I'm just going through the motions. I had a conversation about this with my girlfriend this weekend - I feel like everything has happened so fast, so quickly for the past 6 months, that aside from praying, I really haven't been able to connect with any of this for a long period of time - I'm too busy with my kids, my husband, planning the next treatment, getting through the current treatment, driving kids to school, grocery shopping, scheduling surgeries, etc. It's almost been a whirlwind at times. Like - 'Just point me in the next direction and I'll handle that too, whatever it is'. As if it's not even a decision.
So I've decided to tune into my sense of humor here a little more, and really try to handle this with graciousness and class. We've had some people ask if they can come and visit me - and that's fine, I don't care really. But I was telling PJ this evening that it would be funny if I got like, HUGE prosthetics to put under my robe when people come in so I can say "So! What do you think of my new tatas!!!" Thought that would be hilarious. I mean what am I supposed to say - "Hey! Nice to see you! Well, take a look! Yup! They're a gonner!" Leave it to me to make people feel even MORE uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable scenario. Hey, I've always lived by the motto: Everything is worth it if you get a good story. True. So true.
So in the end, it's just me. Just me, lookin at me in the mirror, trying to figure out how this will look, how I will feel - blah blah blah. Thing is, I gotta stop trying to 'figure it out' and let it just happen. Because He knows - He is in charge - and He has it 'figured out' already. I'm just along for the ride at this point. I know I've made the right decisions up until this point - so I need to just continue to trust in Him and keep forging ahead. So that is the attitude I'm taking tonight and into tomorrow morning. That, and my sick sense of humor. We'll see what kind of sense of humor this new hospital personnel have tomorrow. They don't know what they're in for with me!
Thank you for your cards, your prayers, your good thoughts. They lift my spirits more than you realize. I'll have PJ post something tomorrow or over the weekend so you all know how everything went.
Goodnight and God Bless - Game On!
Woke up this morning all refreshed, felt good. Had an amazing morning at WOW and then an amazing prayer circle. There is so much power in these things, I can't even begin to explain. I am continually reminded how blessed I am to have found these women, this church, this family. They keep me plugged in.
I think I am ready for this - ready to wake up to this after surgery. I think I am - I mean, how can you really know? You just do it - you have to. What is the alternative, right? There really isn't one for me - I mean, I look at my kids and I know this is the right decision. Even if the next six weeks will royally suck, it will be well worth it if it buys me my life, right? I went online the other day and looked for pictures of women who have had this done - and it wasn't all that bad. It's so hard to picture yourself in these situations, because everyones bodies are so different - it's just going to look different. I'm trying not to say 'wrong' because I would hate to think of my physical self as 'wrong' - just different.
On the other hand, a huge part of me feels like I'm just going through the motions. I had a conversation about this with my girlfriend this weekend - I feel like everything has happened so fast, so quickly for the past 6 months, that aside from praying, I really haven't been able to connect with any of this for a long period of time - I'm too busy with my kids, my husband, planning the next treatment, getting through the current treatment, driving kids to school, grocery shopping, scheduling surgeries, etc. It's almost been a whirlwind at times. Like - 'Just point me in the next direction and I'll handle that too, whatever it is'. As if it's not even a decision.
So I've decided to tune into my sense of humor here a little more, and really try to handle this with graciousness and class. We've had some people ask if they can come and visit me - and that's fine, I don't care really. But I was telling PJ this evening that it would be funny if I got like, HUGE prosthetics to put under my robe when people come in so I can say "So! What do you think of my new tatas!!!" Thought that would be hilarious. I mean what am I supposed to say - "Hey! Nice to see you! Well, take a look! Yup! They're a gonner!" Leave it to me to make people feel even MORE uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable scenario. Hey, I've always lived by the motto: Everything is worth it if you get a good story. True. So true.
So in the end, it's just me. Just me, lookin at me in the mirror, trying to figure out how this will look, how I will feel - blah blah blah. Thing is, I gotta stop trying to 'figure it out' and let it just happen. Because He knows - He is in charge - and He has it 'figured out' already. I'm just along for the ride at this point. I know I've made the right decisions up until this point - so I need to just continue to trust in Him and keep forging ahead. So that is the attitude I'm taking tonight and into tomorrow morning. That, and my sick sense of humor. We'll see what kind of sense of humor this new hospital personnel have tomorrow. They don't know what they're in for with me!
Thank you for your cards, your prayers, your good thoughts. They lift my spirits more than you realize. I'll have PJ post something tomorrow or over the weekend so you all know how everything went.
Goodnight and God Bless - Game On!
Monday, October 19, 2009
C'Mon Old Lady - Pick Up Your Kid!!!
Wow - I think the effects of the Femara are starting to appear. I woke up this morning and getting out of bed felt like I had run a marathon yesterday (trust me, I didn't). I'm having some joint pain in my knees, hips and lower back. Yuck. I think I'd be fine if I could take some Advil, but I can't since my surgery is on Thurs. I took some Tylenol just now and am hoping that does the trick. Needless to say, I didn't feel like the most energetic mom today. Met my awesome friend for coffee this morning where they had this cute little play area for the little ones, and it was hard for me to move around. This too shall pass. Cool thing though - I got to experience complete silence in the house for just a little while after Ginger and I got home. She was exhausted and went down for a nap, and I just sat on the couch and listened to the wind blowing through the trees. I can't remember the last time I did this, and how incredibly peaceful it was. Absolutely beautiful.
I think my anxiety about my surgery on Thurs is stemming mostly from the 'unknown'. Not the 'unknown' of the surgery - I'm pretty clear on what is going to happen there - but I realized I've gotten so familiar and comfortable with the medical professionals and facilities up here in my little town of Prescott - that going down to Phx is going to be - well, different. New nurses, new doctors, new hospital - new everything. I just need to keep an open mind, and an open heart, and pray for patience patience patience. Lots of patience.
Met w/ my good friend this evening and had a wonderful chat. She gave me some awesome advice. (she's been down this road before) There is such an awesome peace that surrounds her, she is so inspiring. On my drive home I thanked God for bringing her into my life - she understands my fears and anxiety about this, and is able to relate to me on this very personal, emotional surgery coming up. What a blessing.
I had to catch up on my devotional this evening because I got behind, and yes, gotta share a quickie here because again, the visual is amazing:
When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.
Isn't that amazing? This is exactly how my friendships are feeling - that I don't just feel the comfort of my friendships, but the comfort of God working through the friendship. So cool. I would have never expected cancer to reveal so much to me, but it has. I am a much better person because of it, ironically enough.
OH - the gross nose thing I was supposed to share. Alright, now as a warning, this is gross - well, at least I think it is. Ok - now since I started treatment back in May - I was told chemotherapy tends to really dry you out, everywhere. Plus, the kind of drugs I was on, bloody noses were also a side effect. First of all, the first hair I lost was my nose hairs - I know, weird. I have a new appreciation for the function of these things, since I had post nasal drip and stuffy sinuses all through treatment. My nose ran ALL THE TIME. Now, this is annoying by itself, but in AZ where is extremely dry, makes it doubly annoying. In order for me to breathe, I would have to excuse myself and rid myself of the back up in my nose - get it? In doing this for the past 5 months, and all the other irritation that has gone on, what has happened I've now discovered, is a hole has now appeared, yes, a hole, in the cartilage that separates my nostrils. It goes right through to the other side. I am revolted. Thank God the antibiotics I'm now taking are working and my sinuses are finally clearing up the most they have since this whole thing started. Because I now have to just carefully blow my nose and let the inside of my nose heal. It does seem to be healing, albeit slowly today - or seems to be anyway. I can't even explain how uncomfortable this is - and how gross this is - yuk. Never saw this coming, or even knew it was possible. Weird, eh? So there's the gross nose story.
My mind is racing with a million things I need to get done before Thurs, and I can only do the best I can do, I know. I have my pre-op in Phx tomorrow w/ my reconstructive surgeon, plus I need to go buy this special kind of bra. Should be interesting. Thank you to Sana who brought us yummy dinner tonight, what a blessing. Thank you to Lisa for bringing my Madeline home tomorrow - what a blessing. Gotta try to get some sleep - I need more than 5 hours a night here. Guess I better pray for that too. Arg.
God Bless -
I think my anxiety about my surgery on Thurs is stemming mostly from the 'unknown'. Not the 'unknown' of the surgery - I'm pretty clear on what is going to happen there - but I realized I've gotten so familiar and comfortable with the medical professionals and facilities up here in my little town of Prescott - that going down to Phx is going to be - well, different. New nurses, new doctors, new hospital - new everything. I just need to keep an open mind, and an open heart, and pray for patience patience patience. Lots of patience.
Met w/ my good friend this evening and had a wonderful chat. She gave me some awesome advice. (she's been down this road before) There is such an awesome peace that surrounds her, she is so inspiring. On my drive home I thanked God for bringing her into my life - she understands my fears and anxiety about this, and is able to relate to me on this very personal, emotional surgery coming up. What a blessing.
I had to catch up on my devotional this evening because I got behind, and yes, gotta share a quickie here because again, the visual is amazing:
When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.
Isn't that amazing? This is exactly how my friendships are feeling - that I don't just feel the comfort of my friendships, but the comfort of God working through the friendship. So cool. I would have never expected cancer to reveal so much to me, but it has. I am a much better person because of it, ironically enough.
OH - the gross nose thing I was supposed to share. Alright, now as a warning, this is gross - well, at least I think it is. Ok - now since I started treatment back in May - I was told chemotherapy tends to really dry you out, everywhere. Plus, the kind of drugs I was on, bloody noses were also a side effect. First of all, the first hair I lost was my nose hairs - I know, weird. I have a new appreciation for the function of these things, since I had post nasal drip and stuffy sinuses all through treatment. My nose ran ALL THE TIME. Now, this is annoying by itself, but in AZ where is extremely dry, makes it doubly annoying. In order for me to breathe, I would have to excuse myself and rid myself of the back up in my nose - get it? In doing this for the past 5 months, and all the other irritation that has gone on, what has happened I've now discovered, is a hole has now appeared, yes, a hole, in the cartilage that separates my nostrils. It goes right through to the other side. I am revolted. Thank God the antibiotics I'm now taking are working and my sinuses are finally clearing up the most they have since this whole thing started. Because I now have to just carefully blow my nose and let the inside of my nose heal. It does seem to be healing, albeit slowly today - or seems to be anyway. I can't even explain how uncomfortable this is - and how gross this is - yuk. Never saw this coming, or even knew it was possible. Weird, eh? So there's the gross nose story.
My mind is racing with a million things I need to get done before Thurs, and I can only do the best I can do, I know. I have my pre-op in Phx tomorrow w/ my reconstructive surgeon, plus I need to go buy this special kind of bra. Should be interesting. Thank you to Sana who brought us yummy dinner tonight, what a blessing. Thank you to Lisa for bringing my Madeline home tomorrow - what a blessing. Gotta try to get some sleep - I need more than 5 hours a night here. Guess I better pray for that too. Arg.
God Bless -
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Let The Countdown Begin!
Have a little catching up to do since I didn't post on Thurs - sorry. I literally fell asleep on the couch after we put the kiddies to bed - I never do that.
Great meeting with the reconstructive surgeon on Thurs. I am so comfortable with him and really trust him. We went through the entire process and what I hadn't remembered when we talked about this way back in April was how long this process was going to take. I don't know why I thought it was only going to be like, 3-4 months - but it's more like 7-8 months. They can't start filling my expanders until I'm completely healed - makes sense - duh! So I won't even start fills until Dec. Then, we go down to Phx weekly for 50 cc's of saline, until I get to my desired size. Then I have outpatient surgery to take out the expanders and put in the implant, THEN I get the reconstruction of my top (remember, we don't use the N word around Dina) THEN I get my areola tattooed on. That takes me to like, June of 2010. Wow. I didn't realize what a process this was. Oh - AND I can't lift anything heavier than 5 lb for 2 weeks, then nothing heavier than 10 lb for the next 4 weeks. I'm a bit worried here considering Ginger. It will be so awful not to be able to pick her up and just squeeze her. I know, it's only 6 weeks - but that's a long time to go without hugging on my little one. We are a very cuddly family, and she is at the especially cuddly age. So, I'm praying on that lately.
After we went through all the details and stuff - I looked at my reconstr surgeon and said "So I guess I just need to prepare myself emotionally to wake up with nothing there, right?" and he said something to this effect. "I don't mean to offend you with what I'm about to say, because I have no idea what this is like for you - but my colleagues and I have discussed this just recently. You know, you could have the surgery where they take a part of you from somewhere else and wake up with some form of breast there - but from what we've seen, women seem to do much better with the way you are choosing to go. I've seen women in your scenario deal so much better with their disease, and just know that what you see when you wake up is not the way it will look in the end of this process. It's just the beginning." I found this extremely comforting and insightful. I am ready to start this chapter, I just need to deal with being incapacitated for 6 weeks - I think that is what frustrates me most. That, and trying to figure out what to wear that won't show my completely flat chest. Good thing it's getting cooler - layers, lots of layers.
PJ and one of his good friends painted the outside of our house this weekend, and it looks awesome! I didn't realize how much planning and prep this entailed - thus me feeling like a single parent for the past week. But it was all worth it, it really looks great. His cousin came up from Phx to stay for the weekend too and help me with the girls to the pumpkin patch. It was fun, but we had kind of a heat wave up here this weekend, and it was so miserably hot we didn't really stay all that long. And it was wicked expensive - in Chino Valley. In any case, we had as good of a time as we could with sweat pouring down our faces. I was so afraid I was one of those bitchy moms out with her kids - but I just couldn't help it. I felt like a piece of beef jerky just baking out in the sun. We couldn't find any shade anywhere - and Ginger totally has a farmer tan. Who gets a sunburn in October? Oy. Obviously I'm still having and issue here. OH - and since I go out now without my scarf on, it is VERY interesting to see how people treat me. We sat down at this picnic table area to rest and give the kinds some snacks, and there was this family with a new baby and the proud grandparents. Now, I'm the type of person when I see a baby, it's all I can do to not snatch it out of the hands of the mom to hold it. I just adore babies - so I was watching and smiling and asked how old the baby was. I have never experienced an exchange such as this. They didn't look at me - none of them. In fact, they intentionally looked away from me. Dismissed me with a one word answer and turned away from me. Funny thing is, my instinct was 'what is their problem?" Then I realized that my looks can still make people uncomfortable. I've just gotten so used to looking this way, I don't really think about it anymore. (thank you GOD) Isn't that interesting? I can't imagine treating someone, anyone, this way. I wasn't hurt, or upset - just a little sad I guess. Sad to be reminded of these kinds of people. I'm reminded of the words my roommate in NY said to me one day, I think I've shared this before "Dina, you think everyone thinks the way you do about things, and they don't". So simple, but so true. I really do.
So Sat night we cooked steaks on the bbq and had friends in who helped us paint the house with their kids and it was just lovely. It felt so nice to have kids running and laughing in the yard, and good friends to talk and laugh with. I haven't felt up to doing anything like this all summer, and this was such a lovely evening. We are so blessed to have the wonderful friends we have. That, I am proud to be reminded of often.
Dinner w/ my Dad and Nancy tonight and had a great time. I can't begin to express how it warms my heart to see my kids get so tickled and excited to see my dad. To see my dad joke and laugh with Madeline, then hold and kiss on Ginger - it brings such a light to my life. Again, I am blessed.
Well, PJ and I just watched a pretty good scary movie (Quarantine) so check it out if you are into scary stuff - and the girls are actually asleep so I am going to try to get some sleep myself for a change.
My antibiotics seem to be working finally - but had a weird sinus thing happen too - I think I'll get into that tomorrow. It's pretty gross. AAAhhhhhh the lingering effects of chemo!!!! Gotta luv it!
God Bless -
Great meeting with the reconstructive surgeon on Thurs. I am so comfortable with him and really trust him. We went through the entire process and what I hadn't remembered when we talked about this way back in April was how long this process was going to take. I don't know why I thought it was only going to be like, 3-4 months - but it's more like 7-8 months. They can't start filling my expanders until I'm completely healed - makes sense - duh! So I won't even start fills until Dec. Then, we go down to Phx weekly for 50 cc's of saline, until I get to my desired size. Then I have outpatient surgery to take out the expanders and put in the implant, THEN I get the reconstruction of my top (remember, we don't use the N word around Dina) THEN I get my areola tattooed on. That takes me to like, June of 2010. Wow. I didn't realize what a process this was. Oh - AND I can't lift anything heavier than 5 lb for 2 weeks, then nothing heavier than 10 lb for the next 4 weeks. I'm a bit worried here considering Ginger. It will be so awful not to be able to pick her up and just squeeze her. I know, it's only 6 weeks - but that's a long time to go without hugging on my little one. We are a very cuddly family, and she is at the especially cuddly age. So, I'm praying on that lately.
After we went through all the details and stuff - I looked at my reconstr surgeon and said "So I guess I just need to prepare myself emotionally to wake up with nothing there, right?" and he said something to this effect. "I don't mean to offend you with what I'm about to say, because I have no idea what this is like for you - but my colleagues and I have discussed this just recently. You know, you could have the surgery where they take a part of you from somewhere else and wake up with some form of breast there - but from what we've seen, women seem to do much better with the way you are choosing to go. I've seen women in your scenario deal so much better with their disease, and just know that what you see when you wake up is not the way it will look in the end of this process. It's just the beginning." I found this extremely comforting and insightful. I am ready to start this chapter, I just need to deal with being incapacitated for 6 weeks - I think that is what frustrates me most. That, and trying to figure out what to wear that won't show my completely flat chest. Good thing it's getting cooler - layers, lots of layers.
PJ and one of his good friends painted the outside of our house this weekend, and it looks awesome! I didn't realize how much planning and prep this entailed - thus me feeling like a single parent for the past week. But it was all worth it, it really looks great. His cousin came up from Phx to stay for the weekend too and help me with the girls to the pumpkin patch. It was fun, but we had kind of a heat wave up here this weekend, and it was so miserably hot we didn't really stay all that long. And it was wicked expensive - in Chino Valley. In any case, we had as good of a time as we could with sweat pouring down our faces. I was so afraid I was one of those bitchy moms out with her kids - but I just couldn't help it. I felt like a piece of beef jerky just baking out in the sun. We couldn't find any shade anywhere - and Ginger totally has a farmer tan. Who gets a sunburn in October? Oy. Obviously I'm still having and issue here. OH - and since I go out now without my scarf on, it is VERY interesting to see how people treat me. We sat down at this picnic table area to rest and give the kinds some snacks, and there was this family with a new baby and the proud grandparents. Now, I'm the type of person when I see a baby, it's all I can do to not snatch it out of the hands of the mom to hold it. I just adore babies - so I was watching and smiling and asked how old the baby was. I have never experienced an exchange such as this. They didn't look at me - none of them. In fact, they intentionally looked away from me. Dismissed me with a one word answer and turned away from me. Funny thing is, my instinct was 'what is their problem?" Then I realized that my looks can still make people uncomfortable. I've just gotten so used to looking this way, I don't really think about it anymore. (thank you GOD) Isn't that interesting? I can't imagine treating someone, anyone, this way. I wasn't hurt, or upset - just a little sad I guess. Sad to be reminded of these kinds of people. I'm reminded of the words my roommate in NY said to me one day, I think I've shared this before "Dina, you think everyone thinks the way you do about things, and they don't". So simple, but so true. I really do.
So Sat night we cooked steaks on the bbq and had friends in who helped us paint the house with their kids and it was just lovely. It felt so nice to have kids running and laughing in the yard, and good friends to talk and laugh with. I haven't felt up to doing anything like this all summer, and this was such a lovely evening. We are so blessed to have the wonderful friends we have. That, I am proud to be reminded of often.
Dinner w/ my Dad and Nancy tonight and had a great time. I can't begin to express how it warms my heart to see my kids get so tickled and excited to see my dad. To see my dad joke and laugh with Madeline, then hold and kiss on Ginger - it brings such a light to my life. Again, I am blessed.
Well, PJ and I just watched a pretty good scary movie (Quarantine) so check it out if you are into scary stuff - and the girls are actually asleep so I am going to try to get some sleep myself for a change.
My antibiotics seem to be working finally - but had a weird sinus thing happen too - I think I'll get into that tomorrow. It's pretty gross. AAAhhhhhh the lingering effects of chemo!!!! Gotta luv it!
God Bless -
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What an Idiot!
Today was a great day. PJ and I got to spend some quality time together on our way to Sedona, and my calcium treatment went fine. It was so nice to see my oncologist, and I got to ask her some questions that have been on my mind. Since I was sent into 'chemical menopause' I had questions about how I was feeling, and how I was going to continue to feel. See, when I started chemotherapy it sent me into early menopause, so my ovaries basically shut down. When chemo was done, they would have eventually come back to life, then I would have started periods again and been put on another type of drug to stop the estrogen production. However, they didn't have a chance to come back to life since we yanked them out right after I stopped chemo - sooooooooo, it's good that I had already kinda gone through the 'change' so to speak. If they had been up and functional then yanked out, it possibly could have been tremendously difficult physically to cope with. So, another blessing.
I know I am tremendously blessed to have the oncologist that I have. The way doctors relay information to you is so incredibly important. We, as patients, put importance and emphasis on the things our doctors put emphasis and importance on - don't you think? Subconsciously anyway I think - and mine is so consistently positive, and upbeat, and 'matter of fact' about the information she gives me, I can't help but react in the same manner. This makes me wonder about all those other women diagnosed who are subconsciously taking on a perhaps more negative spin their doctors are giving them when they discuss their cancer, treatment, tests, etc. Interesting thought. My doctor and I were talking just today that just adjusting the way you react to something, can change the entire meaning or scenario. It's really powerful.
So, now I need to explain my post title above. So, I get another prescription to try and get this stupid sinus crap knocked out once and for all, so PJ and I stop at Walgreens on the way home. We drop off the prescription and are told it will be like, 15-20 minutes. So, we start walking through Walgreens together. I go directly to the haircare isle and we just start getting the giggles. The picture of me standing in the isle at Walgreens, intently reading the back of a can of 'root booster' with my 1/2 inch of hair on my head was pretty funny to us. We were just being silly. PJ picks up some '5 Hour Energy' stuff that he likes, I pick up some baby snacks for Ginger, we stumble upon the 'adult' items and pick up some KY Intense (I know,probably too much info here, but you'll see why this is important in a minute), some Children's Motrin for Ginger - then after we pressed all the buttons in the Halloween display section, we head up to get my prescription. I go to get on line, and there is this old man kinda standing in the way of the line - so we do that 'try to pass by you dance' and he is literally, inches away from my face when he looks at my stubbly hair, then looks at me and says "Are you a man or a woman?" I couldn't believe it. He wasn't nasty about it, but he clearly looked confused, an expression I got the feeling he wears a LOT - and all I could think to say was "Oh, well isn't that a lovely thing to say! My name is Dina and I have cancer, excuse me please" and which point he says "Tina? Dina? My name is Gerald" or some other name, I don't really remember. PJ and I were really stunned. I was embarrassed more than any other feeling. Humiliated more like. But the funny thing is, it wasn't an over powering feeling, and the feeling of 'not really caring what this guy just said' was way more powerful than the humiliation. Now, if this guy said this to me 5 months ago, I would have been in tears. Now, don't get me wrong, I was thinking on the way home of all the things I COULD have said - isn't that the way it always happens? But then I realized, what? - he humiliated you so you want to humiliate him? First of all, I don't think he was intentional in what he said to me - but second of all, even if he was, what good would it do to come back with some sarcastic comment that he probably wouldn't have caught anyway, what good would this do? I just wrote last night I believe that I am starting to feel more 'attractive' now - I'm not going to let this old fart take that away from me. I am so proud that I got to this place so quickly - the new me is starting to shake out pretty good I think. I guess the fact that I called him and old fart just now and an idiot in the post title isn't very nice - guess I need to vent a little. Point is, I'm not losing any sleep over this tonight - and I can remember a time not too long ago when I would have. So - we get to the counter, pick up the prescription and the pharmacy lady rings it up with all our other items, then quietly under her breath when she's done ringing us up she says "Looks like you've got all your bases covered here." Brilliant. Frickin Brilliant. We all had a nice laugh.
Dr. appt with my reconstructive surgeon tomorrow in Phoenix, and I have LOTS of questions for him - so I'm sure it will be an informative and graphic post tomorrow.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers - and thank you for all your concern about Ginger too - she is doing fine and coming home to her hugs and squeals and kisses today was just about the best feeling ever. A line that rang true for me today is something I'll end with tonight:
'Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness.'
Ain't that the truth - God Bless
I know I am tremendously blessed to have the oncologist that I have. The way doctors relay information to you is so incredibly important. We, as patients, put importance and emphasis on the things our doctors put emphasis and importance on - don't you think? Subconsciously anyway I think - and mine is so consistently positive, and upbeat, and 'matter of fact' about the information she gives me, I can't help but react in the same manner. This makes me wonder about all those other women diagnosed who are subconsciously taking on a perhaps more negative spin their doctors are giving them when they discuss their cancer, treatment, tests, etc. Interesting thought. My doctor and I were talking just today that just adjusting the way you react to something, can change the entire meaning or scenario. It's really powerful.
So, now I need to explain my post title above. So, I get another prescription to try and get this stupid sinus crap knocked out once and for all, so PJ and I stop at Walgreens on the way home. We drop off the prescription and are told it will be like, 15-20 minutes. So, we start walking through Walgreens together. I go directly to the haircare isle and we just start getting the giggles. The picture of me standing in the isle at Walgreens, intently reading the back of a can of 'root booster' with my 1/2 inch of hair on my head was pretty funny to us. We were just being silly. PJ picks up some '5 Hour Energy' stuff that he likes, I pick up some baby snacks for Ginger, we stumble upon the 'adult' items and pick up some KY Intense (I know,probably too much info here, but you'll see why this is important in a minute), some Children's Motrin for Ginger - then after we pressed all the buttons in the Halloween display section, we head up to get my prescription. I go to get on line, and there is this old man kinda standing in the way of the line - so we do that 'try to pass by you dance' and he is literally, inches away from my face when he looks at my stubbly hair, then looks at me and says "Are you a man or a woman?" I couldn't believe it. He wasn't nasty about it, but he clearly looked confused, an expression I got the feeling he wears a LOT - and all I could think to say was "Oh, well isn't that a lovely thing to say! My name is Dina and I have cancer, excuse me please" and which point he says "Tina? Dina? My name is Gerald" or some other name, I don't really remember. PJ and I were really stunned. I was embarrassed more than any other feeling. Humiliated more like. But the funny thing is, it wasn't an over powering feeling, and the feeling of 'not really caring what this guy just said' was way more powerful than the humiliation. Now, if this guy said this to me 5 months ago, I would have been in tears. Now, don't get me wrong, I was thinking on the way home of all the things I COULD have said - isn't that the way it always happens? But then I realized, what? - he humiliated you so you want to humiliate him? First of all, I don't think he was intentional in what he said to me - but second of all, even if he was, what good would it do to come back with some sarcastic comment that he probably wouldn't have caught anyway, what good would this do? I just wrote last night I believe that I am starting to feel more 'attractive' now - I'm not going to let this old fart take that away from me. I am so proud that I got to this place so quickly - the new me is starting to shake out pretty good I think. I guess the fact that I called him and old fart just now and an idiot in the post title isn't very nice - guess I need to vent a little. Point is, I'm not losing any sleep over this tonight - and I can remember a time not too long ago when I would have. So - we get to the counter, pick up the prescription and the pharmacy lady rings it up with all our other items, then quietly under her breath when she's done ringing us up she says "Looks like you've got all your bases covered here." Brilliant. Frickin Brilliant. We all had a nice laugh.
Dr. appt with my reconstructive surgeon tomorrow in Phoenix, and I have LOTS of questions for him - so I'm sure it will be an informative and graphic post tomorrow.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers - and thank you for all your concern about Ginger too - she is doing fine and coming home to her hugs and squeals and kisses today was just about the best feeling ever. A line that rang true for me today is something I'll end with tonight:
'Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness.'
Ain't that the truth - God Bless
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Not Enough Hours In The Day
It's amazing that when I'm finally getting to the point of feeling a bit better, I wouldn't really get that much of a chance to enjoy it because it just means that I can do that much more now. Does that make sense? I feel like I am so busy and trying to cram all this stuff in before this surgery that I don't even have time to sit down and thank the dear Lord for the strength I am gaining back, little by little. My hair that is growing back, little by little. My energy that is coming back, little by little. My TASTE that is coming back, little by little. It is subtle, all these changes, but good. Very good - and I am blessed.
I really had a wonderful prayer circle this afternoon. I can't explain how cleansing it is for me to meet with these ladies each week and tell them where my head is. Today I spoke a lot about Ginger and her seizure and how I was handling it. I spoke about having a hard time trusting God to keep her safe, that I really felt like that was my job. But, I'm starting to understand now that she is a gift, a true gift from God, and he picked me, just me to be her mommy, and has equipped me with everything I need to take care of her. But she is God's child, he created her, and he will take care of her. I am merely her keeper. I don't mean to trivialize this, I hope it isn't coming across this way. I remembered that Ginger truly is my miracle child. I wouldn't have her if my cancer was caught in it's 'early' stages, and I know I was meant to be here on this earth to be her mom. I still have a ways to go in this train of thought, but I certainly feel like I'm on the right path.
I cleaned out my closet this evening (isn't that ironic), and decided to let go of a bunch of crap that I have been hanging onto for years. And you'd think it was all this sentimental crap - I wish it was. It was mostly all these stupid clothes that we convince ourselves as women we will have a need for at some point in time. Truth is, it's just another black body suit that I don't think I could fit into now if I tried - why do I need a black body suit? Where do I think I'm going to wear this thing? Am I suddenly going to take up gymnastics or something? Oy. Needless to say, it felt good to get rid of this silly stuff I've been hanging onto for one reason or another, and my closet looks so much nicer now. Much more room for new useless crap I can start acquiring. ;-)
I have been sporting about town now without my scarf on for the past couple days, and I have to say - it feels great. What little hair I do have is still very thin, but it covers most of my head and I really love feeling a bit more 'normal'. And, oddly enough, I feel much more attractive - which puts a little spring in my step. Don't get me wrong, hearing my husband tell me what a perfectly shaped head I have was a lovely thing to hear - but to hear him say this morning, "hey - you look really great!" just about made my heart skip a beat. I had no idea how much hair - even this smallest amount, could make such a huge difference. And I don't mean this in a superficial way, I mean it in a way that is slowly starting to define the 'new me' if you will. Knowing what I know now, about me as a woman, is making me approach this new person who is slowing appearing in a completely different manner. It's hard to explain, but it's almost as if I've been torn apart and now slowly being completely recreated. From the inside out. Pretty cool shit.
Madeline reached across the table for my hand at dinner tonight, held it and said "Mom, you're my best friend". It just doesn't get any better than that. And I taught Ginger to say "Uh-Oh" which she has repeated over and over and over today with a very over exaggerated facial expression. She has seemed more herself today than she has since the seizure, and I am so very grateful.
I'm off to Sedona tomorrow, so off to bed with me now.
God Bless -
I really had a wonderful prayer circle this afternoon. I can't explain how cleansing it is for me to meet with these ladies each week and tell them where my head is. Today I spoke a lot about Ginger and her seizure and how I was handling it. I spoke about having a hard time trusting God to keep her safe, that I really felt like that was my job. But, I'm starting to understand now that she is a gift, a true gift from God, and he picked me, just me to be her mommy, and has equipped me with everything I need to take care of her. But she is God's child, he created her, and he will take care of her. I am merely her keeper. I don't mean to trivialize this, I hope it isn't coming across this way. I remembered that Ginger truly is my miracle child. I wouldn't have her if my cancer was caught in it's 'early' stages, and I know I was meant to be here on this earth to be her mom. I still have a ways to go in this train of thought, but I certainly feel like I'm on the right path.
I cleaned out my closet this evening (isn't that ironic), and decided to let go of a bunch of crap that I have been hanging onto for years. And you'd think it was all this sentimental crap - I wish it was. It was mostly all these stupid clothes that we convince ourselves as women we will have a need for at some point in time. Truth is, it's just another black body suit that I don't think I could fit into now if I tried - why do I need a black body suit? Where do I think I'm going to wear this thing? Am I suddenly going to take up gymnastics or something? Oy. Needless to say, it felt good to get rid of this silly stuff I've been hanging onto for one reason or another, and my closet looks so much nicer now. Much more room for new useless crap I can start acquiring. ;-)
I have been sporting about town now without my scarf on for the past couple days, and I have to say - it feels great. What little hair I do have is still very thin, but it covers most of my head and I really love feeling a bit more 'normal'. And, oddly enough, I feel much more attractive - which puts a little spring in my step. Don't get me wrong, hearing my husband tell me what a perfectly shaped head I have was a lovely thing to hear - but to hear him say this morning, "hey - you look really great!" just about made my heart skip a beat. I had no idea how much hair - even this smallest amount, could make such a huge difference. And I don't mean this in a superficial way, I mean it in a way that is slowly starting to define the 'new me' if you will. Knowing what I know now, about me as a woman, is making me approach this new person who is slowing appearing in a completely different manner. It's hard to explain, but it's almost as if I've been torn apart and now slowly being completely recreated. From the inside out. Pretty cool shit.
Madeline reached across the table for my hand at dinner tonight, held it and said "Mom, you're my best friend". It just doesn't get any better than that. And I taught Ginger to say "Uh-Oh" which she has repeated over and over and over today with a very over exaggerated facial expression. She has seemed more herself today than she has since the seizure, and I am so very grateful.
I'm off to Sedona tomorrow, so off to bed with me now.
God Bless -
Monday, October 12, 2009
Mommy - You Need To Exercise
Out of the mouths of babes, eh? This is what Madeline said to me this afternoon. I told her I couldn't agree more. I get so tired still by the afternoon, around 3-4pm. Seriously, like I could fall asleep for hours. Perhaps my lack of exercise is aiding in this feeling. Would make perfect sense. I imagine I should get some physical activity in now before my surgery - would help me in more ways than one.
Had a visit from PJ's Grandma today and it was lovely. We went to lunch in town and then walked around the square. The leaves are changing now and they were blowing every which way, it was stunning. My girls were just angels to boot - I'm so blessed. Ginger was better today, tired, but better. I'm still so paranoid about her - I'm checking on her all the time, feeling her belly in her crib to make sure she is still breathing. (I did this anyway, just more so now). Trying very hard to put her in God's hands over this seizure thing. Trying.
I'm just exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open this evening, so my apologies for signing off so quickly. I felt fine today for the most part - my hot flashes have turned a bit more intense now. I get maybe, 3-4 a day average - and they encompass my whole head and shoulders, it's really weird. Before it was just like a spot or area on my head, but now, it's way more vast of an experience. Doesn't really bother me though - I mean, I notice them for sure, but I know they'll pass soon enough so I busy my thoughts elsewhere, and it's over with. Guess that's the key.
I'm haunted my some words that my OB said some time ago when we were discussing my oopherectomy. He said 'it's really not about quality of life for you now Dina, it's about quantity'. What? So I'm supposed to be miserable but living a long time? After contemplating this statement, I really believe life it what you make of it, no matter how long you have (which none of us every really know), or what disease you've been dealt in this life. So, I'm not going to let a dr determine my quality of life. We all have choices in this life, some choose misery, some choose joy. I'm choosing joy and we all have the power to live a happy, long life.
On that note, I'll definitely try to blog earlier in the evening. Too sleepy now -
God Bless -
Had a visit from PJ's Grandma today and it was lovely. We went to lunch in town and then walked around the square. The leaves are changing now and they were blowing every which way, it was stunning. My girls were just angels to boot - I'm so blessed. Ginger was better today, tired, but better. I'm still so paranoid about her - I'm checking on her all the time, feeling her belly in her crib to make sure she is still breathing. (I did this anyway, just more so now). Trying very hard to put her in God's hands over this seizure thing. Trying.
I'm just exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open this evening, so my apologies for signing off so quickly. I felt fine today for the most part - my hot flashes have turned a bit more intense now. I get maybe, 3-4 a day average - and they encompass my whole head and shoulders, it's really weird. Before it was just like a spot or area on my head, but now, it's way more vast of an experience. Doesn't really bother me though - I mean, I notice them for sure, but I know they'll pass soon enough so I busy my thoughts elsewhere, and it's over with. Guess that's the key.
I'm haunted my some words that my OB said some time ago when we were discussing my oopherectomy. He said 'it's really not about quality of life for you now Dina, it's about quantity'. What? So I'm supposed to be miserable but living a long time? After contemplating this statement, I really believe life it what you make of it, no matter how long you have (which none of us every really know), or what disease you've been dealt in this life. So, I'm not going to let a dr determine my quality of life. We all have choices in this life, some choose misery, some choose joy. I'm choosing joy and we all have the power to live a happy, long life.
On that note, I'll definitely try to blog earlier in the evening. Too sleepy now -
God Bless -
Sunday, October 11, 2009
'and then Grandma comes in with her little 'roller coaster' story and everything is supposed to be FINE!) - Steve Martin line from Parenthood
No one told me parenting was supposed to be like this. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, I'm not that naive, but still. Ginger had another seizure on Friday afternoon. She's fine, but again, this is scarier to me than any cancer ever could be. So I need to tell the story here, mostly cuz I need to get it out. It's been like a moving picture running through my head all weekend, and I just can't seem to shake it.
Fri morning, Ginger woke up with a runny nose. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, I had kept Madeline home from school the day before, so I figured it was running it's course through my house. She felt a little warm, but nothing I was particularly worried about. PJ left w/ Madeline to take her to school, and I was glad it was just Ginger and me for a spell, mostly cuz I wanted her to just take it easy since I thought she had a little headcold is all. She was not as animated as usual, but her same charming self. She took a shorter morning nap, then at lunchtime, I felt her head again, and it was still a bit warm, so I decided to give her some Motrin. She took it like a big girl, and I put her in her high chair to prepare her lunch. I always let her munch on some crackers while I get her food ready, and she took them with the usual smile of delight. I then grabbed her bib and put it on her, and she looked down as I was putting this on her, something she does all the time. I turned around to get something else for her, don't remember what, and when I turned back towards her I noticed her head was still looking down - this seemed strange to me. So I went to her and crouched down to look at her face while saying "Ginger hun what are you looking at?" and saw her face. Eyes checked out, and her whole body softly pulsating. I quickly ripped the tray from the high chair, knowing exactly what was happening, and grabbed her into my arms. Her body was totally limp, and I had to turn her head to place it on my shoulder. She was foaming at the mouth, the crackers she had just started eating. I rubbed her back and just kept chanting to her "it's ok baby, mama's here, just keep breathing" I just kept repeating this and repeating this over and over while I watched the clock on the microwave. I remembered the medical staff at the hospital saying this could happen again, and that if it did, it should only last a minute or so. I knew that if I got to 2 minutes, I needed to dial 911. This, although it felt like a lifetime, lasted a minute and a half. Then she started letting out some noise, small little cries, and kicking her leg. She was starting to come back to me. She was burning up at this point, and I wanted to get the little sweatshirt off her so I took her into her bedroom, laid her down on the bed, and she just looked at me with these half massed eyes. She looked like she had just woke up from the deepest sleep. She was so weak, so tired, and wanted to cry but didn't have the energy. So I got it off then got a freezing cold washcloth and placed it on her back, then on her forehead. She didn't like this one bit, which made me very happy. I called PJ, who was on his way home w/ Madeline about this time, and told him what was happening. Once he got home, we took her temp which was something between 99-103 - stupid in the ear thermometers - and we called her pediatrician. They wanted to see her. So I took her in. By the time we got into the examining room, you would have never known anything had happened to this child. She was squealing for the chalk to write on the chalkboard, running around. No temp, she was fine.
I am baffled by this. I spoke w/ PJ about this tonight - that I am obsessed with looking up this 'febrile seizure' and trying like hell to figure them out, predict if it will happen again, what can I do to stop it. Nothing. No one seems to know anything about this. They say it is caused by a sudden spike of fever - but, you don't know they even really have a fever until they seize like this. I feel so helpless. I can't even describe how it feels to see your child in this state - it is the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. My first and only instinct was to comfort her and make sure she knew I was there, that I wasn't going to leave her.
In realized tonight that I want to figure this out to try to control it - and I'm not in control. Trusting God is hard enough to apply to your OWN life, but that seems like cakewalk until you start trying to apply it to your children's lives. I'm supposed to trust God with this? Wow. I've got some work to do. I read on Sat the following "Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation." I've been really good at this (for the most part) with this whole cancer thing, but now, with Ginger, to turn over this trust, I feel like I'm starting all over again. I need to leave it at that for now. I can't really go much further on this subject at this time.
The rest of the weekend was a relatively quiet one. Ginger developed a scary little cough on Sat, and it was still hanging around this morning, so Madeline and I went to church this morning then she went to a classmates birthday party and it was so much fun. It was a 'butterfly' birthday party so she got to wear some wings and we painted her face, it was so cute. She had a great time. My sweet husband power washed the outside of the house this weekend as we are gearing up to paint it next weekend. Let me correct that, HE and his friend are gearing up to paint the house next weekend. The girls are going to be heading out to the pumpkin patch. ;-)
My hair is really starting to come in now - I can see the change in color now and it's so nice. Wondering how long before my eyebrows and lower lashes will come back - didn't realize how much I missed them until I came across some photos this weekend. One of those 'Oh yea! That's what I used to look like!" Amazing what you get accustomed to so quickly.
I have a week full of dr appts this week getting prepared for my surgery the week following, and I'm still a bit nervous. BTW - my dark place I went to last week was probably aided by the fact that I decided to do some web surfing on my oopherectomy, and the info I found was NOT positive. I need to learn to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and also know, as I've always known, my journey is unique. Unique to me and no one else. I have much to say, and will be here to say it - so don't believe everything you read. And this is not being said in any sort of 'denial' kind of way, just in a 'matter of fact' kind of way. Hard to explain.
Getting late, and I found out this evening I'm having PJ's grandma up for a visit tomorrow for lunch, so I best get some rest. We are so excited to see her, and hopefully, Snickers won't eat her hearing aids this time. (story for another time perhaps, funny)
Have a great weekend all,
God Bless
Fri morning, Ginger woke up with a runny nose. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, I had kept Madeline home from school the day before, so I figured it was running it's course through my house. She felt a little warm, but nothing I was particularly worried about. PJ left w/ Madeline to take her to school, and I was glad it was just Ginger and me for a spell, mostly cuz I wanted her to just take it easy since I thought she had a little headcold is all. She was not as animated as usual, but her same charming self. She took a shorter morning nap, then at lunchtime, I felt her head again, and it was still a bit warm, so I decided to give her some Motrin. She took it like a big girl, and I put her in her high chair to prepare her lunch. I always let her munch on some crackers while I get her food ready, and she took them with the usual smile of delight. I then grabbed her bib and put it on her, and she looked down as I was putting this on her, something she does all the time. I turned around to get something else for her, don't remember what, and when I turned back towards her I noticed her head was still looking down - this seemed strange to me. So I went to her and crouched down to look at her face while saying "Ginger hun what are you looking at?" and saw her face. Eyes checked out, and her whole body softly pulsating. I quickly ripped the tray from the high chair, knowing exactly what was happening, and grabbed her into my arms. Her body was totally limp, and I had to turn her head to place it on my shoulder. She was foaming at the mouth, the crackers she had just started eating. I rubbed her back and just kept chanting to her "it's ok baby, mama's here, just keep breathing" I just kept repeating this and repeating this over and over while I watched the clock on the microwave. I remembered the medical staff at the hospital saying this could happen again, and that if it did, it should only last a minute or so. I knew that if I got to 2 minutes, I needed to dial 911. This, although it felt like a lifetime, lasted a minute and a half. Then she started letting out some noise, small little cries, and kicking her leg. She was starting to come back to me. She was burning up at this point, and I wanted to get the little sweatshirt off her so I took her into her bedroom, laid her down on the bed, and she just looked at me with these half massed eyes. She looked like she had just woke up from the deepest sleep. She was so weak, so tired, and wanted to cry but didn't have the energy. So I got it off then got a freezing cold washcloth and placed it on her back, then on her forehead. She didn't like this one bit, which made me very happy. I called PJ, who was on his way home w/ Madeline about this time, and told him what was happening. Once he got home, we took her temp which was something between 99-103 - stupid in the ear thermometers - and we called her pediatrician. They wanted to see her. So I took her in. By the time we got into the examining room, you would have never known anything had happened to this child. She was squealing for the chalk to write on the chalkboard, running around. No temp, she was fine.
I am baffled by this. I spoke w/ PJ about this tonight - that I am obsessed with looking up this 'febrile seizure' and trying like hell to figure them out, predict if it will happen again, what can I do to stop it. Nothing. No one seems to know anything about this. They say it is caused by a sudden spike of fever - but, you don't know they even really have a fever until they seize like this. I feel so helpless. I can't even describe how it feels to see your child in this state - it is the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. My first and only instinct was to comfort her and make sure she knew I was there, that I wasn't going to leave her.
In realized tonight that I want to figure this out to try to control it - and I'm not in control. Trusting God is hard enough to apply to your OWN life, but that seems like cakewalk until you start trying to apply it to your children's lives. I'm supposed to trust God with this? Wow. I've got some work to do. I read on Sat the following "Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation." I've been really good at this (for the most part) with this whole cancer thing, but now, with Ginger, to turn over this trust, I feel like I'm starting all over again. I need to leave it at that for now. I can't really go much further on this subject at this time.
The rest of the weekend was a relatively quiet one. Ginger developed a scary little cough on Sat, and it was still hanging around this morning, so Madeline and I went to church this morning then she went to a classmates birthday party and it was so much fun. It was a 'butterfly' birthday party so she got to wear some wings and we painted her face, it was so cute. She had a great time. My sweet husband power washed the outside of the house this weekend as we are gearing up to paint it next weekend. Let me correct that, HE and his friend are gearing up to paint the house next weekend. The girls are going to be heading out to the pumpkin patch. ;-)
My hair is really starting to come in now - I can see the change in color now and it's so nice. Wondering how long before my eyebrows and lower lashes will come back - didn't realize how much I missed them until I came across some photos this weekend. One of those 'Oh yea! That's what I used to look like!" Amazing what you get accustomed to so quickly.
I have a week full of dr appts this week getting prepared for my surgery the week following, and I'm still a bit nervous. BTW - my dark place I went to last week was probably aided by the fact that I decided to do some web surfing on my oopherectomy, and the info I found was NOT positive. I need to learn to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and also know, as I've always known, my journey is unique. Unique to me and no one else. I have much to say, and will be here to say it - so don't believe everything you read. And this is not being said in any sort of 'denial' kind of way, just in a 'matter of fact' kind of way. Hard to explain.
Getting late, and I found out this evening I'm having PJ's grandma up for a visit tomorrow for lunch, so I best get some rest. We are so excited to see her, and hopefully, Snickers won't eat her hearing aids this time. (story for another time perhaps, funny)
Have a great weekend all,
God Bless
Friday, October 9, 2009
Message Received - Loud And Clear!
I know I don't usually post on the weekends, but after my rant last night, I needed to share what my devotional read this morning. When I woke up this morning, I hadn't quite shaken that rant from last night, then I read my devotional, in the MORNING for a change, and I am astounded. Clearly, this message was specifically for me today.
October 9th
You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendancy to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.
Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart.
This message was so powerful to me, I needed to share it. No, I'm not going to be copying my whole devotional here in this blog - but when something is so frickin appropriate, I feel obligated to share it. This is exactly where I was last night, and this just put it all in perspective for me. So, my apologies for the 'grumbling' all. Have a lovely weekend.
God Bless -
October 9th
You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendancy to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.
Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart.
This message was so powerful to me, I needed to share it. No, I'm not going to be copying my whole devotional here in this blog - but when something is so frickin appropriate, I feel obligated to share it. This is exactly where I was last night, and this just put it all in perspective for me. So, my apologies for the 'grumbling' all. Have a lovely weekend.
God Bless -
Thursday, October 8, 2009
And I Think I'm Going Out Of My Head........
So I had a pretty good day today, then this evening, I just feel into this weird 'depression' like frame of mind. I'm really not sure where this came from, but it came on when I headed out for one of my late evening grocery shopping excursions. I just started thinking about everything that has gone on with me for the past 6 months or so, and how much I wish I wasn't the mom with breast cancer. I hate it when my brain goes to this place - but alas, here it is. So I'm going to need to bitch here for a moment - please forgive me, but I must vent apparently.
How badly do I wish I was the strong, healthy, happy mom who is busy taking her kids to school, running errands, preparing my meals for the week, taking care of my husband, and taking care of my friends in need. A friend of mine had some medical problems this week, and I should have been the one to rise to the occasion and help her - but someone else had to do it. Now, I know this isn't about me, I should just be happy my friend rec'd help, but I'm so mad at myself that it wasn't me, because it SHOULD have been. But no, I am sitting here at home stressing about this stupid upcoming surgery where I get my tits whacked off, and I get to sleep in a recliner for weeks mourning the loss of the tits I didn't really ever speak that highly of in the first place, but they were MINE. Or I get so tired in the afternoons - by 3-4pm I could literally fall asleep for the rest of the evening. I look at this picture of me and my family - looking the way we did before this whole thing started and I am just crying. Crying. I want it back - I want it all back. I almost want the naivety - the not knowing. Then I want all the knowledge so I can go back and live my life better - appreciate it all so much more than I thought I did. I'm so tired of the scarves, no eyelashes, painting on my eyebrows, sweating one minute then freezing the next, looking at how much weight I've gained and wondering if I will ever be able to get it off now that my hormones are all out of whack, if I will ever feel sexy again to my husband, if I will have the energy to chase my kids and play with them for longer than a half hour at a time before I need to sit and rest, the looks of others. I guess I'm allowed to have a down moment every once in awhile, and this is definitely one of those down times. It is so frustrating to know who you are, and you are not able to be that person because of something else keeping you from it. I know I can't go back, I know that if I really thought about it, I probably wouldn't really want to - but the initial instinct in to wish just that - and it sucks. Just sucks sometimes.
I don't want to end on such a negative note, so I will share with you what I just read - still crying, but for different reasons now.
" Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
Some days I just need to scream. Some days I hate that I have this journey. Some days I hate that I have to be strong and trust and be still and be bald and have chemo hair. But then, peace just seems to blanket me. I vent, and the good Lord lets me, then refreshes me to get up and keep going.
We have a great weekend planned. I hope you all do to. Thanks for listening friends - sometimes it feels good to just emotionally purge. ;-)
God Bless -
How badly do I wish I was the strong, healthy, happy mom who is busy taking her kids to school, running errands, preparing my meals for the week, taking care of my husband, and taking care of my friends in need. A friend of mine had some medical problems this week, and I should have been the one to rise to the occasion and help her - but someone else had to do it. Now, I know this isn't about me, I should just be happy my friend rec'd help, but I'm so mad at myself that it wasn't me, because it SHOULD have been. But no, I am sitting here at home stressing about this stupid upcoming surgery where I get my tits whacked off, and I get to sleep in a recliner for weeks mourning the loss of the tits I didn't really ever speak that highly of in the first place, but they were MINE. Or I get so tired in the afternoons - by 3-4pm I could literally fall asleep for the rest of the evening. I look at this picture of me and my family - looking the way we did before this whole thing started and I am just crying. Crying. I want it back - I want it all back. I almost want the naivety - the not knowing. Then I want all the knowledge so I can go back and live my life better - appreciate it all so much more than I thought I did. I'm so tired of the scarves, no eyelashes, painting on my eyebrows, sweating one minute then freezing the next, looking at how much weight I've gained and wondering if I will ever be able to get it off now that my hormones are all out of whack, if I will ever feel sexy again to my husband, if I will have the energy to chase my kids and play with them for longer than a half hour at a time before I need to sit and rest, the looks of others. I guess I'm allowed to have a down moment every once in awhile, and this is definitely one of those down times. It is so frustrating to know who you are, and you are not able to be that person because of something else keeping you from it. I know I can't go back, I know that if I really thought about it, I probably wouldn't really want to - but the initial instinct in to wish just that - and it sucks. Just sucks sometimes.
I don't want to end on such a negative note, so I will share with you what I just read - still crying, but for different reasons now.
" Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."
Some days I just need to scream. Some days I hate that I have this journey. Some days I hate that I have to be strong and trust and be still and be bald and have chemo hair. But then, peace just seems to blanket me. I vent, and the good Lord lets me, then refreshes me to get up and keep going.
We have a great weekend planned. I hope you all do to. Thanks for listening friends - sometimes it feels good to just emotionally purge. ;-)
God Bless -
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
'Mom? I think your chemo hair looks pretty.'
My sweet Madeline. She said this to me the other morning, with the most honest expression on her face. She even corrected PJ the other evening "no Dad, that's mom's chemo hair!" PJ said last night that I look like Mia Farrow now in Rosemary's Baby. I'm not quite sure if my hair is really starting to come back yet - it seems a little soon. Plus it's hard because I did have that chemo hair that appeared during treatment. It's still pretty thin, so I'm not ready to 'go commando' yet, but pretty soon. Good thing it is starting to get cooler out now, makes it much more comfortable to wear a hat or scarf. And I still can't tell what color it is, it is definitely lighter than my hair was before. I'm just glad to have a hairline back to be honest - looking more normal makes you feel more normal - funny how it works that way. Still, I look in the mirror and am still amazed at my inside not matching my outside. Don't much care about this anymore like I used to, just more amused by it now.
I was talking to my mom today on the phone, and I was explaining to her how tired I've been getting in the late afternoon and evening the past couple days - more tired than usual. She reminded me of all the changes my body is currently going through - stopping chemotherapy, having my ovaries removed, going on a new estrogen blasting pill, fighting an sinus infection and being on antibiotics - I guess that's enough for now, eh? Good news is, I've been sleeping really well lately. That has felt great.
Went to WOW today, and it, of course, was awesome. There is such a powerful feeling to not only worship in a crowd, but worshiping with a crowd of women is like, overwhelmingly powerful. This is a place where I can go and feel connected, refreshed, and reminded of God's good words. Really cool. What an amazingly wonderful organization and how blessed I am to have met them, and humbled to be a part of them. I'm taking this class called 'The Holy Spirit' and it is really interesting. Seeing in the Bible the places, especially in the OT where the Holy Spirit is mentioned or referred to - very cool. I know nothing, and I mean NOTHING about the Bible, so I have come into this with an open mind and am really just soaking it all in. It is so inspiring to hear people who are so well versed speak about it so passionately. Some things really resonate with me, some things really don't - it's an interesting journey.
Unfortunately I don't get to go next week because it's off to Sedona for my monthly calcium infusion. To be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to going to Sedona to see everyone. I really miss them, isn't that funny. I have such a strong connection to this medical team, I think I've felt a little off these past couple weeks by not seeing them. Oh yea, surgery too - but you catch my drift. ;-)
There are times lately, when I just stare at my children. They will be watching TV or reading a book or coloring a picture, and I just am fixated on their faces. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I gave birth to these precious children, that they are these little individuals who are learning, expressing and finding their way through this world with their tiny little hands in mine. I watch their faces so intently, seeing their every expression in simple amazement. I am so blessed to be their mommy. Tonight when we tucked Madeline in to bed, she came over to us and put her arms around PJ and I's necks and said "I just love you guys!". I told her how blessed I was to be her mommy, and she said "and I am so blessed to be your girl mom". This is why I move forward, this is why I have faith, this is why I was put on this earth in the first place. If I had to, I would go through 6 more months of what I've already gone through, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. We said our prayers, and after calling for me about 3 different times, she finally went to sleep.
Full day tomorrow, so off to bed with me. Couple more days of antibiotics, then I know I will have this thing kicked. It's our turn to take snacks tomorrow for school - I always feel this pressure to get something creative or extra yummy - couldn't quite do it this time. Apple juice and grahams crackers - hey, that's what I had as a kid for snack, and I turned out OK. (cue PJ speaking up here I'm sure)
God Bless -
I was talking to my mom today on the phone, and I was explaining to her how tired I've been getting in the late afternoon and evening the past couple days - more tired than usual. She reminded me of all the changes my body is currently going through - stopping chemotherapy, having my ovaries removed, going on a new estrogen blasting pill, fighting an sinus infection and being on antibiotics - I guess that's enough for now, eh? Good news is, I've been sleeping really well lately. That has felt great.
Went to WOW today, and it, of course, was awesome. There is such a powerful feeling to not only worship in a crowd, but worshiping with a crowd of women is like, overwhelmingly powerful. This is a place where I can go and feel connected, refreshed, and reminded of God's good words. Really cool. What an amazingly wonderful organization and how blessed I am to have met them, and humbled to be a part of them. I'm taking this class called 'The Holy Spirit' and it is really interesting. Seeing in the Bible the places, especially in the OT where the Holy Spirit is mentioned or referred to - very cool. I know nothing, and I mean NOTHING about the Bible, so I have come into this with an open mind and am really just soaking it all in. It is so inspiring to hear people who are so well versed speak about it so passionately. Some things really resonate with me, some things really don't - it's an interesting journey.
Unfortunately I don't get to go next week because it's off to Sedona for my monthly calcium infusion. To be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to going to Sedona to see everyone. I really miss them, isn't that funny. I have such a strong connection to this medical team, I think I've felt a little off these past couple weeks by not seeing them. Oh yea, surgery too - but you catch my drift. ;-)
There are times lately, when I just stare at my children. They will be watching TV or reading a book or coloring a picture, and I just am fixated on their faces. I am overwhelmed with the fact that I gave birth to these precious children, that they are these little individuals who are learning, expressing and finding their way through this world with their tiny little hands in mine. I watch their faces so intently, seeing their every expression in simple amazement. I am so blessed to be their mommy. Tonight when we tucked Madeline in to bed, she came over to us and put her arms around PJ and I's necks and said "I just love you guys!". I told her how blessed I was to be her mommy, and she said "and I am so blessed to be your girl mom". This is why I move forward, this is why I have faith, this is why I was put on this earth in the first place. If I had to, I would go through 6 more months of what I've already gone through, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. We said our prayers, and after calling for me about 3 different times, she finally went to sleep.
Full day tomorrow, so off to bed with me. Couple more days of antibiotics, then I know I will have this thing kicked. It's our turn to take snacks tomorrow for school - I always feel this pressure to get something creative or extra yummy - couldn't quite do it this time. Apple juice and grahams crackers - hey, that's what I had as a kid for snack, and I turned out OK. (cue PJ speaking up here I'm sure)
God Bless -
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Don't Cha Just Luv Chain Restaurants??
So I need to start this out with our experience this evening. Let me preface this with the fact that we, the Mountcastles in Prescott, may set out to do something simple, but it always turns out differently than we planned. Sometimes good, sometimes bad - but there's always a good story attached. We just seem to 'attract situations', if that makes sense. I think I actually get this from my Dad. But I digress.
Now, this evening there was a benefit of sorts being held at Macayos, the mexican restaurant here in Prescott. A friend of mine has a little girl named Montana who is just the most precious little thing you would ever come across. Montana has Eosinophilic Disease, and this evening the restaurant was donating 20% of all food and beverages sold from 5-9pm to the CURED Foundation (Campaign Urging Research for Eosinophilic Disease). So we pack up the family and head out to Macayo's to support my friend and her daughter. To be honest, I think we've been to Macayo's once since we moved here - we usually go to the neighborhood mexican food place near our house. We got there I'd say around 6ish - and there was quite a crowd gathered. Yea! I thought, this is great that all these people are showing up for this! BTW - there had been an amazing article in the local paper on Sunday talking about this and featuring my friend and her family - so word was out about this, which is awesome! It took about a half hour or so I'd say for us to be seated - which was expected. Then, unfortnately, it just turned into a bad restaurant experience. Let's just say we didn't get our appetizer (just a cheese crisp) until 7:45 - and it was cold. Now, anyone who has little children knows the clock is not long anyway when you have a dining out experience - so this felt like HOURS! We knew we couldn't possibly wait for our actual dinners, or we wouldn't be home till 10 and our kids were hungry. So, what we ended up doing was not eating anything, not staying for any other food, but we told our waitress we wanted to pay for everything we ordered because we were there to donate 20% of our bill to the cause. I mean, that was the whole point in the first place, right? Our waitress apologized profusely, saying they were just really backed up in the kitchen and they weren't expecting this many people, blah blah blah. Whatever, the point is, I think the restaurant really let down my friend. I don't know how anyone else came through - maybe we were the only ones, I hope so. It just saddened me that they (Macayo's) didn't show up for something so important to a lot of families, especially my friend. We picked up Wendy's on the way home. They were fast, the food was hot, and they had Scooby Doo toys, so my girls were happy. ;-)
There, now that I got that off my chest - had my prayer circle today which was great. Only thing missing was Pastor Mary - I miss her when I don't get to see her every week. I realized on the way there that I was having some anxiety about my upcoming surgery. Not for the obvious reasons, but because I'll be put under for as long as I will - 6-7 hours. It just spooks me. I think this is all a control thing for me - again - and I just need to trust - trust - trust. Sana brought up a great point that I can seek comfort in the fact that they do this all the time, my team of doctors that is, and they wouldn't do this if they didn't think I would be OK - I found great comfort in that.
And I haven't even begun to try to prepare myself for no longer having my breasts - as I know them anyway. I've stood in front of the mirror after showering and tried to picture what this is going to look like, feel like, and I have seen pictures of other women who have had this done - and I guess I am just not connecting with it yet. This will probably happen the closer it gets. I was telling PJ this evening that this morning I was considering that maybe I should just do one instead of both - that doing one would be a less severe recovery time. But then I thought better - I know me, and not having one match the other would drive me CRAZY. We laughed. Then I apologized to him for the vasectomy, considering they ended up taking my ovaries so quickly, this was kind of redundant. He told me I didn't need to feel guilty, that there were plenty of other things for me to feel guilty about - like dragging the whole family to Macayo's for dinner tonight. (he was kidding)
I must share a portion of my devotional with you this evening, because the visual of this is simply amazing.
'Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world with all it's problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.'
Sana also explained trusting as a type of climb this afternoon - and this visual just resonates with me. The more I trust, the higher the mountain I have to climb, the better the view. I can do this - I've come too far, and experienced too much not to. He will see me through to the end of this chapter - I just have to trust Him completely, and I do.
God Bless -
Now, this evening there was a benefit of sorts being held at Macayos, the mexican restaurant here in Prescott. A friend of mine has a little girl named Montana who is just the most precious little thing you would ever come across. Montana has Eosinophilic Disease, and this evening the restaurant was donating 20% of all food and beverages sold from 5-9pm to the CURED Foundation (Campaign Urging Research for Eosinophilic Disease). So we pack up the family and head out to Macayo's to support my friend and her daughter. To be honest, I think we've been to Macayo's once since we moved here - we usually go to the neighborhood mexican food place near our house. We got there I'd say around 6ish - and there was quite a crowd gathered. Yea! I thought, this is great that all these people are showing up for this! BTW - there had been an amazing article in the local paper on Sunday talking about this and featuring my friend and her family - so word was out about this, which is awesome! It took about a half hour or so I'd say for us to be seated - which was expected. Then, unfortnately, it just turned into a bad restaurant experience. Let's just say we didn't get our appetizer (just a cheese crisp) until 7:45 - and it was cold. Now, anyone who has little children knows the clock is not long anyway when you have a dining out experience - so this felt like HOURS! We knew we couldn't possibly wait for our actual dinners, or we wouldn't be home till 10 and our kids were hungry. So, what we ended up doing was not eating anything, not staying for any other food, but we told our waitress we wanted to pay for everything we ordered because we were there to donate 20% of our bill to the cause. I mean, that was the whole point in the first place, right? Our waitress apologized profusely, saying they were just really backed up in the kitchen and they weren't expecting this many people, blah blah blah. Whatever, the point is, I think the restaurant really let down my friend. I don't know how anyone else came through - maybe we were the only ones, I hope so. It just saddened me that they (Macayo's) didn't show up for something so important to a lot of families, especially my friend. We picked up Wendy's on the way home. They were fast, the food was hot, and they had Scooby Doo toys, so my girls were happy. ;-)
There, now that I got that off my chest - had my prayer circle today which was great. Only thing missing was Pastor Mary - I miss her when I don't get to see her every week. I realized on the way there that I was having some anxiety about my upcoming surgery. Not for the obvious reasons, but because I'll be put under for as long as I will - 6-7 hours. It just spooks me. I think this is all a control thing for me - again - and I just need to trust - trust - trust. Sana brought up a great point that I can seek comfort in the fact that they do this all the time, my team of doctors that is, and they wouldn't do this if they didn't think I would be OK - I found great comfort in that.
And I haven't even begun to try to prepare myself for no longer having my breasts - as I know them anyway. I've stood in front of the mirror after showering and tried to picture what this is going to look like, feel like, and I have seen pictures of other women who have had this done - and I guess I am just not connecting with it yet. This will probably happen the closer it gets. I was telling PJ this evening that this morning I was considering that maybe I should just do one instead of both - that doing one would be a less severe recovery time. But then I thought better - I know me, and not having one match the other would drive me CRAZY. We laughed. Then I apologized to him for the vasectomy, considering they ended up taking my ovaries so quickly, this was kind of redundant. He told me I didn't need to feel guilty, that there were plenty of other things for me to feel guilty about - like dragging the whole family to Macayo's for dinner tonight. (he was kidding)
I must share a portion of my devotional with you this evening, because the visual of this is simply amazing.
'Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also, the more keenly you sense your separation from the world with all it's problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My Presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again.'
Sana also explained trusting as a type of climb this afternoon - and this visual just resonates with me. The more I trust, the higher the mountain I have to climb, the better the view. I can do this - I've come too far, and experienced too much not to. He will see me through to the end of this chapter - I just have to trust Him completely, and I do.
God Bless -
Monday, October 5, 2009
Do Not Cone Alone!!!!!
Have you done this? This ear coning thing? PJ and I just did it and it's amazingly relaxing and kinda gross all at the same time. You get these ear cones at the health food store and then you and a partner take turns burning these cones while they are stuck in your ear (not the burnt end, come on WORK WITH ME HERE!) - it pulls all the yukky wax out of your ear - no lie! Really gross to see, but wonderfully relaxing I must say. Can I hear any better? Not sure - but it was fun. Pretty funny when Madeline gets out of bed and comes into our room to see her Dad holding a burning cone in her mommy's ear - needless to say, she asked "what are you guys doing?" Very confusing trying to answer her. PJ and I were laughing as we tried to come up with an abridged version of what we were doing - God knows what she will say at school tomorrow.
My uppper respitory thing didn't get much better overnight, and when I called to try to see my PCP, of course she no longer works at that office, and they other dr who does take my insurance couldn't see me till next week - aren't doctors supposed to leave room for sick patients? Arg. So I called my oncologist and she called me in an antibiotic. PJ and I decided that if we were able to have another child, we would name it after my oncologist. Let's pray this does the trick. Isn't this ironic - now that I'm finished w/ chemotherapy, I get sick. Go figure. I had like a thousand pillows in bed last night with my humidifier and vicks on my chest - what a sight. Thank God my husband loves me.
Despite not feeling well, had a blast with my kids today. Ginger has taken to stipping lately, she is not liking wearing shirts or pants, and is learning how to take them off. So that has been challenging and entertaining all at the same time. And Madeline just seems to be getting smarter and smarter.
I had some moments today when I just got pissed again that I am dealing with this whole cancer thing. I wonder if those moments will ever go away. Then I think of everything I have experienced and learned, and feel differently about it. It's really a cool experience now to not really worry about the way I look when I get ready to head out the door. I mean, I put make-up on, but for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I am putting it on for me, and no one else. And, I don't much remember or care that it's on when I am out - I am so 'soul' based now, it's really cool. And, I'm starting to see other people in that same way, also very cool. Since I've been really focusing on this realization this past week, it is so very appropriate that my Proverbs email that comes today reads as follows (portion):
"Too often we pass judgment on people and situations we know little about. History has shown us that when we judge in ignorance we can make terrible mistakes. When we allow our view of someone or something to be swayed by suspicions or what the crowd says, we can make a tragic error of assuming something is true when it isn't. Fear tutors us to think that way. It warps our vision."
Wow, I do this all the time. I'm just now learning to see people for the light they exude, rather than their packaging. I love this point being made in this manner as 'judging in ignorance we can make terrible mistakes' - I've never thought of it this way - because I HATE making mistakes - and this just gives a whole new twist to the simple 'don't judge lest ye be judged' kind of stuff, ya know?
I found myself losing my patience with people today. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling real hot, but I can't use that as an excuse. For the past 5 months, my life has been pretty predictable in its routine. Now that I'm out of my routine, I'm having to deal with people I haven't dealt with before and I'm finding that very frustrating. I prayed today that perhaps God would help me focus on the good, helpful things in people, rather than the annoying parts about them. I was very accustomed to the level of care I was receiving at my ocologist office, and I cannot assume this is the level of attention and care I will receive from other medical professionals I am dealing with now. I just have to keep reminding myself that each person along my journey is there for a reason - whether I know it then or not. Trust, trust, trust. Gotta Trust Him.
I'm going to sign off for now to try to get some decent sleep and hopefully kick this thing out of my system. My new devotional I've been reading is called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young, and it is absolutely amazing. Today's devotional was very touching to me and I wanted to share a portion of it here:
'Do not judge a day as deviod of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problems solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.'
I think I need to read this EVERY day. Right? It is so right on the money for me. Hope you all had a great day today, and here's to tomorrow. May tomorrow be full of JOY. ;-)
God Bless -
My uppper respitory thing didn't get much better overnight, and when I called to try to see my PCP, of course she no longer works at that office, and they other dr who does take my insurance couldn't see me till next week - aren't doctors supposed to leave room for sick patients? Arg. So I called my oncologist and she called me in an antibiotic. PJ and I decided that if we were able to have another child, we would name it after my oncologist. Let's pray this does the trick. Isn't this ironic - now that I'm finished w/ chemotherapy, I get sick. Go figure. I had like a thousand pillows in bed last night with my humidifier and vicks on my chest - what a sight. Thank God my husband loves me.
Despite not feeling well, had a blast with my kids today. Ginger has taken to stipping lately, she is not liking wearing shirts or pants, and is learning how to take them off. So that has been challenging and entertaining all at the same time. And Madeline just seems to be getting smarter and smarter.
I had some moments today when I just got pissed again that I am dealing with this whole cancer thing. I wonder if those moments will ever go away. Then I think of everything I have experienced and learned, and feel differently about it. It's really a cool experience now to not really worry about the way I look when I get ready to head out the door. I mean, I put make-up on, but for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I am putting it on for me, and no one else. And, I don't much remember or care that it's on when I am out - I am so 'soul' based now, it's really cool. And, I'm starting to see other people in that same way, also very cool. Since I've been really focusing on this realization this past week, it is so very appropriate that my Proverbs email that comes today reads as follows (portion):
"Too often we pass judgment on people and situations we know little about. History has shown us that when we judge in ignorance we can make terrible mistakes. When we allow our view of someone or something to be swayed by suspicions or what the crowd says, we can make a tragic error of assuming something is true when it isn't. Fear tutors us to think that way. It warps our vision."
Wow, I do this all the time. I'm just now learning to see people for the light they exude, rather than their packaging. I love this point being made in this manner as 'judging in ignorance we can make terrible mistakes' - I've never thought of it this way - because I HATE making mistakes - and this just gives a whole new twist to the simple 'don't judge lest ye be judged' kind of stuff, ya know?
I found myself losing my patience with people today. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling real hot, but I can't use that as an excuse. For the past 5 months, my life has been pretty predictable in its routine. Now that I'm out of my routine, I'm having to deal with people I haven't dealt with before and I'm finding that very frustrating. I prayed today that perhaps God would help me focus on the good, helpful things in people, rather than the annoying parts about them. I was very accustomed to the level of care I was receiving at my ocologist office, and I cannot assume this is the level of attention and care I will receive from other medical professionals I am dealing with now. I just have to keep reminding myself that each person along my journey is there for a reason - whether I know it then or not. Trust, trust, trust. Gotta Trust Him.
I'm going to sign off for now to try to get some decent sleep and hopefully kick this thing out of my system. My new devotional I've been reading is called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young, and it is absolutely amazing. Today's devotional was very touching to me and I wanted to share a portion of it here:
'Do not judge a day as deviod of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problems solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.'
I think I need to read this EVERY day. Right? It is so right on the money for me. Hope you all had a great day today, and here's to tomorrow. May tomorrow be full of JOY. ;-)
God Bless -
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Houston? We've Got Bird!
That's right, my husband shot a turkey this weekend. He had a great time, and the only thing that would have made it better is if my father had shot one too. But, it sits now in my outside fridge, in a bag with it's feet sticking out. He showed this to Madeline, who was OK with it, but I could tell, she was perplexed. She didn't quite know how to explain that she was confused, but she was. We'll see what kinds of questions arise this week on our car trips to and from school - our BEST conversations have been happening in these car trips as of late.
I am feeling great from the surgery today - I feel almost completely healed. If only I wasn't feeling a respiratory thing coming on, I'd be pretty close to perfect. I am going to get the humidifier going right after I'm done here, get the Mentholatum on my chest, and climb into bed. Hopefully, that will do the trick.
We had a great time this weekend. My other mom, Nancy, came and spent the weekend with me to help w/ Ginger, and we just had the best time. We went to the County Fair on Saturday, and had a blast. I've posted some pics at the bottom here, so check them out. We saw the animals, and rode the rides - had a great time. I just love doing this stuff - I love being their mom more than anything in this world.
This morning Madeline and I went to church together, and Ginger and Nancy stayed home. It was pretty cool actually sitting in church w/ Madeline by my side - we've never had an opportunity to do this before, so it was special for us. We went to Costco afterwards, and anyone who lives up here knows how windy it was today. It was like, 'hold onto a telephone pole' windy here - crazy. So I'm pushing my cart, leaving Costco and Madeline is sitting in the front area where kids sit in the cart, our stuff is in the back, and I get to our car and decide to quickly put my purse on the front seat. Well, I open the door and it is so windy, the door flies open and everything in the front area is now flying out all over the place. My box of tissues goes flying, Madeline's crackers "Scooby Snacks" are flying everywhere, and here I go chasing a box of Kleenex down the parking lot when I hear Madeline yell "Mommy! The wind is taking me!!!" I turn around and sure enough, she is in the cart, strapped in, and the wind is now blowing the cart down the parking lot. I let out a little scream and go chasing my poor daughter in the shopping cart. I feel like a horrible mother and am convinced someone has caught sight of this lovely scenario and surely called CPS on me. Madeline is giggling and says "I can't wait to tell Dad about this!!" Isn't she precious. I must admit it didn't take long for me to start giggling myself, just at what this must have looked like to the passerby. Hope someone had a laugh at this today - we sure did.
PJ got home late in the afternoon, and I must say, we were so happy to see him. We missed him terribly and are glad it's us all here, together at home.
My hair is starting to come back, and it's so nice to have a hairline back. I still wear scarves and such, because it doesn't look very good, and it's obviously still a bit thinned, but it's so much more comfortable to wear nothing at home. I'm a little afraid to be honest, to grow it very long at all for fear of losing it again. I don't think I will be able to let it grown very long at all, but that is how I feel now, with this little hair I do have. When it really starts to come in full force I may feel differently, who knows.
But there's that word again: 'afraid' - bummer. It does rear it's ugly head somewhere in me from time to time. On a completely different note, I heard that a close family member of mine does not read my blog. This is fine w/ me - I understand how this kind of thing is easy for some people to read, and maybe too difficult for others. To be honest, this blog was really created for a place for me to vent - not ever to open up a two way conversation. However, me hearing this news has been on my heart since I have found out and I need to get some things out about this. The fact that she doesn't read it isn't what bothers me, the reason why she doesn't read it does. She says it's too 'religious' for her to read. My heart just sank when I heard this, and here's why. I know I get wicked spiritual here at times, and that is because that's what has spoken to me that day, at that moment. I know I never liked being 'preached' to - so I really have made a conscious effort to NOT sound this way. I try to just speak from my heart and share where my head and my heart are coming from. I am hurt by the fact that she can't read this blog just to find out how I am doing that day, or to find out what is going one with me - she only sees 'religion'. You know, I have breast cancer, and it fucking SUCKS - so I am walking through this beast, and if I need to say I'm walking through this with God, then why can't she be happy for me - whether she believes in God or not? I know plenty of people who do not believe the things that I do and still read my blog. What makes them different from her? I think I already know the answer to this, but still need to sit on this for a bit. I'm really praying on this now, because I have not been able to shake this for about a week now. I didn't even want to write about it here because it kind of breaks that third wall, something I do NOT want to do. But this is where I vent, and talk, and share and communicate the things that are in my head, my heart and my soul. So here it will be. The thing is, if anyone were to sit with me and have me explain everything that has happened to me leading up to cancer, then continue through that journey - they would have not doubt that God is at work here. But I'm not here to recruit people into believing what I do, just share and discuss my journey. If that happens to speak to you in a way you haven't thought of before, than great. IF not, than that's fine too. Not here to change anyone. But I am changing, and that is what I'm sharing. PJ just said the other day when he looked at the photo of our family, that he didn't know who that family was anymore. We are ALL different people now, and Praise God for that.
Feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, guess I feel better to get it out. I will have more to touch on with this as the week plays out. I find once I get things out, the better. Totally falling asleep now - sweet dreams everyone - hope you all had a great weekend.
God Bless -
I am feeling great from the surgery today - I feel almost completely healed. If only I wasn't feeling a respiratory thing coming on, I'd be pretty close to perfect. I am going to get the humidifier going right after I'm done here, get the Mentholatum on my chest, and climb into bed. Hopefully, that will do the trick.
We had a great time this weekend. My other mom, Nancy, came and spent the weekend with me to help w/ Ginger, and we just had the best time. We went to the County Fair on Saturday, and had a blast. I've posted some pics at the bottom here, so check them out. We saw the animals, and rode the rides - had a great time. I just love doing this stuff - I love being their mom more than anything in this world.
This morning Madeline and I went to church together, and Ginger and Nancy stayed home. It was pretty cool actually sitting in church w/ Madeline by my side - we've never had an opportunity to do this before, so it was special for us. We went to Costco afterwards, and anyone who lives up here knows how windy it was today. It was like, 'hold onto a telephone pole' windy here - crazy. So I'm pushing my cart, leaving Costco and Madeline is sitting in the front area where kids sit in the cart, our stuff is in the back, and I get to our car and decide to quickly put my purse on the front seat. Well, I open the door and it is so windy, the door flies open and everything in the front area is now flying out all over the place. My box of tissues goes flying, Madeline's crackers "Scooby Snacks" are flying everywhere, and here I go chasing a box of Kleenex down the parking lot when I hear Madeline yell "Mommy! The wind is taking me!!!" I turn around and sure enough, she is in the cart, strapped in, and the wind is now blowing the cart down the parking lot. I let out a little scream and go chasing my poor daughter in the shopping cart. I feel like a horrible mother and am convinced someone has caught sight of this lovely scenario and surely called CPS on me. Madeline is giggling and says "I can't wait to tell Dad about this!!" Isn't she precious. I must admit it didn't take long for me to start giggling myself, just at what this must have looked like to the passerby. Hope someone had a laugh at this today - we sure did.
PJ got home late in the afternoon, and I must say, we were so happy to see him. We missed him terribly and are glad it's us all here, together at home.
My hair is starting to come back, and it's so nice to have a hairline back. I still wear scarves and such, because it doesn't look very good, and it's obviously still a bit thinned, but it's so much more comfortable to wear nothing at home. I'm a little afraid to be honest, to grow it very long at all for fear of losing it again. I don't think I will be able to let it grown very long at all, but that is how I feel now, with this little hair I do have. When it really starts to come in full force I may feel differently, who knows.
But there's that word again: 'afraid' - bummer. It does rear it's ugly head somewhere in me from time to time. On a completely different note, I heard that a close family member of mine does not read my blog. This is fine w/ me - I understand how this kind of thing is easy for some people to read, and maybe too difficult for others. To be honest, this blog was really created for a place for me to vent - not ever to open up a two way conversation. However, me hearing this news has been on my heart since I have found out and I need to get some things out about this. The fact that she doesn't read it isn't what bothers me, the reason why she doesn't read it does. She says it's too 'religious' for her to read. My heart just sank when I heard this, and here's why. I know I get wicked spiritual here at times, and that is because that's what has spoken to me that day, at that moment. I know I never liked being 'preached' to - so I really have made a conscious effort to NOT sound this way. I try to just speak from my heart and share where my head and my heart are coming from. I am hurt by the fact that she can't read this blog just to find out how I am doing that day, or to find out what is going one with me - she only sees 'religion'. You know, I have breast cancer, and it fucking SUCKS - so I am walking through this beast, and if I need to say I'm walking through this with God, then why can't she be happy for me - whether she believes in God or not? I know plenty of people who do not believe the things that I do and still read my blog. What makes them different from her? I think I already know the answer to this, but still need to sit on this for a bit. I'm really praying on this now, because I have not been able to shake this for about a week now. I didn't even want to write about it here because it kind of breaks that third wall, something I do NOT want to do. But this is where I vent, and talk, and share and communicate the things that are in my head, my heart and my soul. So here it will be. The thing is, if anyone were to sit with me and have me explain everything that has happened to me leading up to cancer, then continue through that journey - they would have not doubt that God is at work here. But I'm not here to recruit people into believing what I do, just share and discuss my journey. If that happens to speak to you in a way you haven't thought of before, than great. IF not, than that's fine too. Not here to change anyone. But I am changing, and that is what I'm sharing. PJ just said the other day when he looked at the photo of our family, that he didn't know who that family was anymore. We are ALL different people now, and Praise God for that.
Feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, guess I feel better to get it out. I will have more to touch on with this as the week plays out. I find once I get things out, the better. Totally falling asleep now - sweet dreams everyone - hope you all had a great weekend.
God Bless -
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday's With Dina
PJ and I came up with the above this morning as we were getting ready as a title of my chemo time - we were reflecting upon my past chemo treatment Wednesday's and were having a little chuckle. We were also discussing the fact that Ginger is drinking a HUGE amount of milk lately, and continues to wake during the night for more. PJ had a great idea of trying to find some sort of milk feeder, much like that of a water feeder attached to a gerbil or hamster cage, and attach this to Ginger's crib, so she could go ahead and drink whenever she got thirsty. If only the sound of the little metal ball in the spout wouldn't wake up Madeline as she lapped at it. We thought this was funny too.
I had the kind of day today that went by so fast, I almost don't really remember much of it - do you ever have days like this? It is such a strange feeling to look back on your day and can easily recount everything you did, but not feel entirely connected to it. Hmmmm. I wonder what that means. One thing that happened today that I must share, is the end to this prescription story from yesterday's post. Now, to recap, I have to start my aromatase inhibitor (estrogen squasher) to keep my cancer from growing again, and this is a name brand prescription. I have an annual deductible that I was not aware of, or didn't remember having, of $500 that must be met each year before my $25 copay kicks in. To be totally honest here, we don't have an extra $500 in our budget, or in savings or anything. We would have had to wait until maybe next month, or the following, to pay for this prescription, which was a total of $371.00 - and that is for 30 days. Now, I'm going to be on this pill for approx 5-10 years, and considering all I've gone through already, this will truly keep the thing that feeds my cancer at bay - also very important. I know I mentioned this awesome community that has lifted me up so many times in my blog, and I think I've mentioned The Dina Mountcastle Fund which was started by the wonderful people at the Lutheran church where I am active (I'm involved in WOW, MOPS and Madeline also attends school there). This Fund, designed to help us out in insurance/medical bill matters, came to my rescue today, and paid for my prescription we couldn't afford. I am so incredibly humbled by this - and so incredibly grateful for this, I cannot express. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a bit embarrassed too, but I continue to work through that. I just look back at my life, and look at what steps were taken and the decisions that were made which led my husband and I here, and I just know that this was God's plan. For me, this is such a clear and wonderfully obvious vision - and how God has blessed me and my family with this community that is taking such wonderful care of us. I would not have been able to start this medication now if it weren't for this Fund. And I just cannot find the words to express how grateful we are for this. This community and the love it has shown to me and my family, has had a major role in saving my life. I am living proof of what God is doing in this world, through the love and goodness of others.
As I'm leaving the pharmacy with prescription in hand and tears in my eyes, an older gentleman, I'd say about 65, stops me on my way out and tells me that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than a bald woman. He tells me I'm beautiful, and when this whole cancer thing is over for me, and my doctor tells me that it's all gone and I can go on my merry way, like his told him, I will grow the most beautiful, long, luxurious soft hair in the world. I thanked him, shook his hand and we were on our way again out the door. I have no idea who this man was, but LOVE this exchange that we had. He has such a light about him, and energy, and beauty. It was pretty awesome.
Something that I had realized when I was attending my WOW class on Wed, was that this experience has made me look in the mirror completely differently than I used to. I used to look in the mirror and see who I THOUGHT was Dina. But now, I am so driven by how I 'feel' that how I look is not a top concern to me. I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly - cancer strips you of everything physical you control about yourself, it forces you to look deeper into yourself. I didn't realize I was defining myself by how my hair, make-up, clothing looked each day. Not 'entirely' but substantially. Not until you take all these things away, literally, are you forced to define yourself by other standards. This process is not immediate, not at all. In fact, this transition has JUST occurred with me in this process. So now, I see Dina - Dina the child and servant of God, Dina the mother who loves her children, Dina the proud wife of PJ, Dina the one who wants to give back - I am motivated and defined by my character - and that feels really good. I am so very blessed to have this experience, to know myself at this level, and most important, be able to teach my children to see themselves the same way as they grow up.
PJ and my Dad left for their hunting trip today. I pray they have the most wonderful time. Nancy is here to stay the weekend with me, so I have to try to not pick up Ginger for just another couple days. I know if I can hold out that long, there shouldn't be a problem with me getting back into the swing of things next week. I'm feeling pretty good - just still a bit tender so I don't want to push it. We've got some fun things planned for this weekend, so it should be a nice 'girls' time.
I feel like I've rambled this evening - I hope my thoughts were clearly expressed - I get so frustrated when I can't find the words.
Thank you again to all who pray for me, send me good thoughts and vibes, and read this blog. Have a wonderful weekend.
God Bless
I had the kind of day today that went by so fast, I almost don't really remember much of it - do you ever have days like this? It is such a strange feeling to look back on your day and can easily recount everything you did, but not feel entirely connected to it. Hmmmm. I wonder what that means. One thing that happened today that I must share, is the end to this prescription story from yesterday's post. Now, to recap, I have to start my aromatase inhibitor (estrogen squasher) to keep my cancer from growing again, and this is a name brand prescription. I have an annual deductible that I was not aware of, or didn't remember having, of $500 that must be met each year before my $25 copay kicks in. To be totally honest here, we don't have an extra $500 in our budget, or in savings or anything. We would have had to wait until maybe next month, or the following, to pay for this prescription, which was a total of $371.00 - and that is for 30 days. Now, I'm going to be on this pill for approx 5-10 years, and considering all I've gone through already, this will truly keep the thing that feeds my cancer at bay - also very important. I know I mentioned this awesome community that has lifted me up so many times in my blog, and I think I've mentioned The Dina Mountcastle Fund which was started by the wonderful people at the Lutheran church where I am active (I'm involved in WOW, MOPS and Madeline also attends school there). This Fund, designed to help us out in insurance/medical bill matters, came to my rescue today, and paid for my prescription we couldn't afford. I am so incredibly humbled by this - and so incredibly grateful for this, I cannot express. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a bit embarrassed too, but I continue to work through that. I just look back at my life, and look at what steps were taken and the decisions that were made which led my husband and I here, and I just know that this was God's plan. For me, this is such a clear and wonderfully obvious vision - and how God has blessed me and my family with this community that is taking such wonderful care of us. I would not have been able to start this medication now if it weren't for this Fund. And I just cannot find the words to express how grateful we are for this. This community and the love it has shown to me and my family, has had a major role in saving my life. I am living proof of what God is doing in this world, through the love and goodness of others.
As I'm leaving the pharmacy with prescription in hand and tears in my eyes, an older gentleman, I'd say about 65, stops me on my way out and tells me that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than a bald woman. He tells me I'm beautiful, and when this whole cancer thing is over for me, and my doctor tells me that it's all gone and I can go on my merry way, like his told him, I will grow the most beautiful, long, luxurious soft hair in the world. I thanked him, shook his hand and we were on our way again out the door. I have no idea who this man was, but LOVE this exchange that we had. He has such a light about him, and energy, and beauty. It was pretty awesome.
Something that I had realized when I was attending my WOW class on Wed, was that this experience has made me look in the mirror completely differently than I used to. I used to look in the mirror and see who I THOUGHT was Dina. But now, I am so driven by how I 'feel' that how I look is not a top concern to me. I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly - cancer strips you of everything physical you control about yourself, it forces you to look deeper into yourself. I didn't realize I was defining myself by how my hair, make-up, clothing looked each day. Not 'entirely' but substantially. Not until you take all these things away, literally, are you forced to define yourself by other standards. This process is not immediate, not at all. In fact, this transition has JUST occurred with me in this process. So now, I see Dina - Dina the child and servant of God, Dina the mother who loves her children, Dina the proud wife of PJ, Dina the one who wants to give back - I am motivated and defined by my character - and that feels really good. I am so very blessed to have this experience, to know myself at this level, and most important, be able to teach my children to see themselves the same way as they grow up.
PJ and my Dad left for their hunting trip today. I pray they have the most wonderful time. Nancy is here to stay the weekend with me, so I have to try to not pick up Ginger for just another couple days. I know if I can hold out that long, there shouldn't be a problem with me getting back into the swing of things next week. I'm feeling pretty good - just still a bit tender so I don't want to push it. We've got some fun things planned for this weekend, so it should be a nice 'girls' time.
I feel like I've rambled this evening - I hope my thoughts were clearly expressed - I get so frustrated when I can't find the words.
Thank you again to all who pray for me, send me good thoughts and vibes, and read this blog. Have a wonderful weekend.
God Bless
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