And I Think I'm Going Out Of My Head........

So I had a pretty good day today, then this evening, I just feel into this weird 'depression' like frame of mind. I'm really not sure where this came from, but it came on when I headed out for one of my late evening grocery shopping excursions. I just started thinking about everything that has gone on with me for the past 6 months or so, and how much I wish I wasn't the mom with breast cancer. I hate it when my brain goes to this place - but alas, here it is. So I'm going to need to bitch here for a moment - please forgive me, but I must vent apparently.

How badly do I wish I was the strong, healthy, happy mom who is busy taking her kids to school, running errands, preparing my meals for the week, taking care of my husband, and taking care of my friends in need. A friend of mine had some medical problems this week, and I should have been the one to rise to the occasion and help her - but someone else had to do it. Now, I know this isn't about me, I should just be happy my friend rec'd help, but I'm so mad at myself that it wasn't me, because it SHOULD have been. But no, I am sitting here at home stressing about this stupid upcoming surgery where I get my tits whacked off, and I get to sleep in a recliner for weeks mourning the loss of the tits I didn't really ever speak that highly of in the first place, but they were MINE. Or I get so tired in the afternoons - by 3-4pm I could literally fall asleep for the rest of the evening. I look at this picture of me and my family - looking the way we did before this whole thing started and I am just crying. Crying. I want it back - I want it all back. I almost want the naivety - the not knowing. Then I want all the knowledge so I can go back and live my life better - appreciate it all so much more than I thought I did. I'm so tired of the scarves, no eyelashes, painting on my eyebrows, sweating one minute then freezing the next, looking at how much weight I've gained and wondering if I will ever be able to get it off now that my hormones are all out of whack, if I will ever feel sexy again to my husband, if I will have the energy to chase my kids and play with them for longer than a half hour at a time before I need to sit and rest, the looks of others. I guess I'm allowed to have a down moment every once in awhile, and this is definitely one of those down times. It is so frustrating to know who you are, and you are not able to be that person because of something else keeping you from it. I know I can't go back, I know that if I really thought about it, I probably wouldn't really want to - but the initial instinct in to wish just that - and it sucks. Just sucks sometimes.

I don't want to end on such a negative note, so I will share with you what I just read - still crying, but for different reasons now.

" Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."

Some days I just need to scream. Some days I hate that I have this journey. Some days I hate that I have to be strong and trust and be still and be bald and have chemo hair. But then, peace just seems to blanket me. I vent, and the good Lord lets me, then refreshes me to get up and keep going.

We have a great weekend planned. I hope you all do to. Thanks for listening friends - sometimes it feels good to just emotionally purge. ;-)

God Bless -