Yankees in the World Series and Clear Path Report - God Is Sooooo Good!!!

So, getting ready to watch my Yankees this evening in Game 1 of the World Series, when my home phone rings. It is my awesome surgeon, who tells me the results of the pathology report. Get this, they removed 27 lymph nodes from under my right arm - 27! And guess what? All clear - no cancer in ANY of them. Can you believe this? He told me to celebrate the good news and have a cocktail. Now remember, this is ironically where this whole thing started, the swollen lymph node I felt under my arm that sent me to get it checked out in March. When I had it biopsied, it indeed came back positive for cancer cells - that was just in April. Now here we are, October, and it is gone. God is so good. Wow. Fuckin Wow Wow Wow.

Sorry I didn't write last night. I'm trying to wean myself off these pain meds a bit, and in the evening, it is so hard for me to keep myself sitting up for any length of time. My chest muscles are obviously very sore and strained, so who knows what this is doing to my back muscles. Yesterday I was really drugged most of the day - I think I did a bit too much on Monday and paid for it yesterday. Today was better. I'm having such awesome bonding time w/ Nancy. We are having an opportunity to talk about things and laugh and cry and be women - it's been really great. She is taking such great care of me, and my family. I am very blessed. What precious time this is for us - who knew.

I'm feeling OK I guess - it's still really hard for me to get up out of bed or in the lazy boy or couch without help - sitting down in a chair and getting up I'm fine - which is good. But this binding around my chest is really getting annoying now. If I try to speak for a long period of time I run out of breath, and it itches horribly, and the drains - well, they kinda made me nauseous this evening. And they're MINE! Does that make any sense at all? So, PJ and I are going to the plastic surgeon tomorrow for the one week f/u appt - and the plan is, hopefully, to remove the wrap and drains - let's pray for that. Otherwise, not only do I have to deal with it for like, 4-5 more days, but I need to go back down to Phx next week. Good thing about that is? There's a Dunkin Donuts right on the way to my docs office - thank you God! Back east we didn't have any problem finding our beloved coffee delights, here in the sticks - there are like, 3 in the whole frickin state. Arg.

It's funny, I've come such a long way with this trust thing. I sat in my Lazy Boy today getting ready to nap and said a little prayer. I told God that I was ready for whatever the path report had to say. Good, bad, indifferent, I was ready. I wasn't scared - I was just ready to take anything on. The whole conversation brought me so much peace. It was perfect. Then, my call. My good friend got good news today too - and I'm not going to go into any detail accept she had found a lump, and it has turned out to be nothing serious. Again, trust. Not that trust will always bring you positive results, but it makes you enjoy the results that much more when they are positive. You feel peace either way.

You know, my husband actually washed my hair (yes, I have enough to wash now!) last night. It felt amazing. Not that it hadn't been washed in awhile, but that my husband did it for me. It was amazing. He is taking such great care of me. I thank God everyday for the beautiful man I am married to. As Maria says in The Sound of Music "somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good". I must have to deserve this awesome man.

It's funny, here I am surrounded by all these awesome people. My husband, my children, my friends, my mom, my dad, Nancy, my niece, my brother in law and his partner, my church, my pastors, my community - a community of people I don't even know that pray for me. Yet I find myself fixated on someone that I really wanted to show up for me, that didn't. Didn't at all. I saw this whole experience as a real opportunity for her to be there for me the way she hasn't in the past - a chance for our relationship to be what I always wanted it to be - that maybe this cancer, with all the gifts it has given me, would give me this relationship. It did not. I think this had to be me trying to control these things around me - and I am painfully reminded once again, I am not in control of this. Pisses me off. And, this really hurt my feelings. But, I know that I have to wrap myself in the arms of God and all you who are caring for me and loving on me, because that is what has healed me - or at least, is a huge part of what has healed me. And just hope that one day, she will come around and hopefully feel all of this that I have been blessed to feel. It's hard to open yourself up to things like this, it's hard to be vulnerable and open and sick and hurting and then even harder to let people see it then help you. It's the hardest thing in the world. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who just aren't there yet, and as badly as we want them to be there for us, they just aren't capable of it. We forget what it takes to be a friend to someone. Some people just aren't capable of it - because they are so lost in who they are - it doesn't even occur to them to show up for someone else - maybe that's it. Alright, I'm glad I got that out of my brain, it's been wandering around in there all week.

Enough Percocet babble, my hubby is going to give me my spit bath now (I know, you're jealous) I am thankful for a wonderful day. I'll be in touch tomorrow. I haven't thought much about how I am going to feel when he takes the bandages off. I think I just want them off for a bit so I can breathe - that's really been my focus. And, I know there will just be scarring on the tops only, since that is the only place they cut. I don't think I really can prepare, I can't even imagine. I'm glad to have my hubby with me - and after all, they're just boobs. They'll be looking perky here in no time. I need to remember my docs words - this is just the beginning, not the end. And God, bring on my sense of humor!

God Bless -