'and then Grandma comes in with her little 'roller coaster' story and everything is supposed to be FINE!) - Steve Martin line from Parenthood

No one told me parenting was supposed to be like this. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, I'm not that naive, but still. Ginger had another seizure on Friday afternoon. She's fine, but again, this is scarier to me than any cancer ever could be. So I need to tell the story here, mostly cuz I need to get it out. It's been like a moving picture running through my head all weekend, and I just can't seem to shake it.

Fri morning, Ginger woke up with a runny nose. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, I had kept Madeline home from school the day before, so I figured it was running it's course through my house. She felt a little warm, but nothing I was particularly worried about. PJ left w/ Madeline to take her to school, and I was glad it was just Ginger and me for a spell, mostly cuz I wanted her to just take it easy since I thought she had a little headcold is all. She was not as animated as usual, but her same charming self. She took a shorter morning nap, then at lunchtime, I felt her head again, and it was still a bit warm, so I decided to give her some Motrin. She took it like a big girl, and I put her in her high chair to prepare her lunch. I always let her munch on some crackers while I get her food ready, and she took them with the usual smile of delight. I then grabbed her bib and put it on her, and she looked down as I was putting this on her, something she does all the time. I turned around to get something else for her, don't remember what, and when I turned back towards her I noticed her head was still looking down - this seemed strange to me. So I went to her and crouched down to look at her face while saying "Ginger hun what are you looking at?" and saw her face. Eyes checked out, and her whole body softly pulsating. I quickly ripped the tray from the high chair, knowing exactly what was happening, and grabbed her into my arms. Her body was totally limp, and I had to turn her head to place it on my shoulder. She was foaming at the mouth, the crackers she had just started eating. I rubbed her back and just kept chanting to her "it's ok baby, mama's here, just keep breathing" I just kept repeating this and repeating this over and over while I watched the clock on the microwave. I remembered the medical staff at the hospital saying this could happen again, and that if it did, it should only last a minute or so. I knew that if I got to 2 minutes, I needed to dial 911. This, although it felt like a lifetime, lasted a minute and a half. Then she started letting out some noise, small little cries, and kicking her leg. She was starting to come back to me. She was burning up at this point, and I wanted to get the little sweatshirt off her so I took her into her bedroom, laid her down on the bed, and she just looked at me with these half massed eyes. She looked like she had just woke up from the deepest sleep. She was so weak, so tired, and wanted to cry but didn't have the energy. So I got it off then got a freezing cold washcloth and placed it on her back, then on her forehead. She didn't like this one bit, which made me very happy. I called PJ, who was on his way home w/ Madeline about this time, and told him what was happening. Once he got home, we took her temp which was something between 99-103 - stupid in the ear thermometers - and we called her pediatrician. They wanted to see her. So I took her in. By the time we got into the examining room, you would have never known anything had happened to this child. She was squealing for the chalk to write on the chalkboard, running around. No temp, she was fine.

I am baffled by this. I spoke w/ PJ about this tonight - that I am obsessed with looking up this 'febrile seizure' and trying like hell to figure them out, predict if it will happen again, what can I do to stop it. Nothing. No one seems to know anything about this. They say it is caused by a sudden spike of fever - but, you don't know they even really have a fever until they seize like this. I feel so helpless. I can't even describe how it feels to see your child in this state - it is the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. My first and only instinct was to comfort her and make sure she knew I was there, that I wasn't going to leave her.

In realized tonight that I want to figure this out to try to control it - and I'm not in control. Trusting God is hard enough to apply to your OWN life, but that seems like cakewalk until you start trying to apply it to your children's lives. I'm supposed to trust God with this? Wow. I've got some work to do. I read on Sat the following "Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation." I've been really good at this (for the most part) with this whole cancer thing, but now, with Ginger, to turn over this trust, I feel like I'm starting all over again. I need to leave it at that for now. I can't really go much further on this subject at this time.

The rest of the weekend was a relatively quiet one. Ginger developed a scary little cough on Sat, and it was still hanging around this morning, so Madeline and I went to church this morning then she went to a classmates birthday party and it was so much fun. It was a 'butterfly' birthday party so she got to wear some wings and we painted her face, it was so cute. She had a great time. My sweet husband power washed the outside of the house this weekend as we are gearing up to paint it next weekend. Let me correct that, HE and his friend are gearing up to paint the house next weekend. The girls are going to be heading out to the pumpkin patch. ;-)

My hair is really starting to come in now - I can see the change in color now and it's so nice. Wondering how long before my eyebrows and lower lashes will come back - didn't realize how much I missed them until I came across some photos this weekend. One of those 'Oh yea! That's what I used to look like!" Amazing what you get accustomed to so quickly.

I have a week full of dr appts this week getting prepared for my surgery the week following, and I'm still a bit nervous. BTW - my dark place I went to last week was probably aided by the fact that I decided to do some web surfing on my oopherectomy, and the info I found was NOT positive. I need to learn to take everything I read with a grain of salt, and also know, as I've always known, my journey is unique. Unique to me and no one else. I have much to say, and will be here to say it - so don't believe everything you read. And this is not being said in any sort of 'denial' kind of way, just in a 'matter of fact' kind of way. Hard to explain.

Getting late, and I found out this evening I'm having PJ's grandma up for a visit tomorrow for lunch, so I best get some rest. We are so excited to see her, and hopefully, Snickers won't eat her hearing aids this time. (story for another time perhaps, funny)

Have a great weekend all,

God Bless