Not Quite Ready for Pole Dancing - Yet.

So, today was the day. The unveiling. I was nervous, excited, anxious. I tried my hardest to prepare myself for this. When my dr walked in he greeted me with a big smile and pretty much didn't waste any time and started removing my bandages. He wasn't rushing us, but didn't want to prolong the inevitable - I could tell. So off the bandages came, and I think I was prepared for what it would look like. As prepared as I could be. I do have a slight 'bump' if you will, so there is a slope of cleavage - which, is really nice actually. The tops are indeed sewn up like a drawstring purse. But like it all meets together perfectly if that makes any sense. There is no cutting, no bleeding, no bruising, no swelling. It's really quite remarkable. This part, although hard to look at for any real length of time, was not that bad. Doc even said that I looked perfect and he wishes all of his patients looked as good as I do a week after surgery. Yea Me and My Boob Skin!!!! The part I had trouble with however, was when he went to put some medicated gauze on my tops, and I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel any touch - I knew I was being touched, simply because of the pressure I think, but I couldn't feel any of it. I cannot begin to describe to you how incredibly uncomfortable this was for me. Took me completely by surprise.

And, this feeling really, in a weird way, totally creeped me out. Like nails on a chalkboard kind of feeling. Knowing I have to change these gauze pads out 2 times a day literally turns my stomach. I know I need to get to a place where I'm OK with this, and I'm praying I'll just get used to this, but today, it was really quite a shock for me. I had no idea this was how it was going to feel, and that this was the way I was going to react to it and feel about it. So, that has been difficult. He did say the feeling would come back in time - but not for awhile.

I am, very happy however, to have the ace bandage wraps off. I am moving around much better than I was. He did have me keep the drains in for a couple more days. I told him I was going to do whatever he wanted me to do, and if this is what he thought was best then fine. He wanted my drained amount to be the amount it was (not much) for a few more days in a row than it was. No problem. I really want them out, but will do whatever he thinks is right. So Tues I go back and get them out. Yea! Then he put the bra on me that I got at the special mastectomy place in Scottsdale which has little breast forms in it and off we went.

It felt very strange - this whole thing feels so strange. I was trying to explain to PJ today that it's not like I have a cut on my finger - that would feel more 'separate' than what this feels like. This is so personal, and so hugely 'you' - it's so hard to explain. I can feel the expanders under my skin this evening though - I told PJ it feel like I've got 2 kid size shoe boxes under my skin. Very strange.

So that's where I am this evening. When I start to get upset, I think about the path report from yesterday. Although my cancer had spread, the fact that is is now completely gone from the origination site and that no cancer can grow there again, brings much peace to my heart. It reminds me of why I chose to do this in the first place, and why it is important to me and my family. It makes all of this worth it. I just keep focusing on that, I need to. I guess the 'feeling' thing really took me by surprise - I hadn't banked on that. As much as we try to prepare sometimes, we just never know how we are going to feel. We never know.

My husband was, as always, absolutely amazing to me today. He was so incredibly supportive, told me how beautiful I was, held me in his arms once the doctor had left and told me he would change my gauze pads for as long as I needed him to. My husband is an angel sent to me. For this I am sure. I remember as a young woman dating - and I dated a lot. Never in a million years did I think I would ever find a man who I would trust so completely that I could ever imagine sharing a vulnerable moment like this today. I was very much 'Miss Independent' by Kelly Clarkson. Boy, have I grown up.

Well, I'm going to try to sleep without pain meds this evening. Mostly because I keep waking up, wide awake, various times during the night when I take them. Plus, the whole constipation thing is REALLY uncomfortable, so I need to wean off them anyway. Oh Joy.

Ginger said 'Please' tonight for the first time when we asked if she wanted an Otter Pop after dinner. Being able to hear that clearly outweighs anything unsettling I had going on today. I am so blessed.

Have a great weekend all and a safe and Happy Halloween. Madeline is going to be Cinderella and Ginger is going to be a duck. I could totally be bride of Frankenstein - freak all the kids out by waving my drains around, eh? Bad choice?

I'll have pics for sure to post come Monday. God Bless -