Boobs/Shmoobs

Well, here we are - mastectomy eve. I'm feeling pretty good. Much better than yesterday. I didn't blog last evening because it was one of the most emotional days I think I've had through this entire process. I just couldn't get a handle on myself or what I was feeling. It was like I felt something different every moment of the day, it was very unsettling. To boot, PJ and I had argued throughout the day, and that just didn't sit well with me. PJ and I rarely fight, so when we do, it's really emotional for me. Good thing is, I was able to realize how important it was for he and I to figure it out and get through it, because this was the time we needed to be together as a team, not spilt apart by egos or finger pointing. So, we were up fixing this till about 1am - and I was tired and went to bed.

Woke up this morning all refreshed, felt good. Had an amazing morning at WOW and then an amazing prayer circle. There is so much power in these things, I can't even begin to explain. I am continually reminded how blessed I am to have found these women, this church, this family. They keep me plugged in.

I think I am ready for this - ready to wake up to this after surgery. I think I am - I mean, how can you really know? You just do it - you have to. What is the alternative, right? There really isn't one for me - I mean, I look at my kids and I know this is the right decision. Even if the next six weeks will royally suck, it will be well worth it if it buys me my life, right? I went online the other day and looked for pictures of women who have had this done - and it wasn't all that bad. It's so hard to picture yourself in these situations, because everyones bodies are so different - it's just going to look different. I'm trying not to say 'wrong' because I would hate to think of my physical self as 'wrong' - just different.

On the other hand, a huge part of me feels like I'm just going through the motions. I had a conversation about this with my girlfriend this weekend - I feel like everything has happened so fast, so quickly for the past 6 months, that aside from praying, I really haven't been able to connect with any of this for a long period of time - I'm too busy with my kids, my husband, planning the next treatment, getting through the current treatment, driving kids to school, grocery shopping, scheduling surgeries, etc. It's almost been a whirlwind at times. Like - 'Just point me in the next direction and I'll handle that too, whatever it is'. As if it's not even a decision.

So I've decided to tune into my sense of humor here a little more, and really try to handle this with graciousness and class. We've had some people ask if they can come and visit me - and that's fine, I don't care really. But I was telling PJ this evening that it would be funny if I got like, HUGE prosthetics to put under my robe when people come in so I can say "So! What do you think of my new tatas!!!" Thought that would be hilarious. I mean what am I supposed to say - "Hey! Nice to see you! Well, take a look! Yup! They're a gonner!" Leave it to me to make people feel even MORE uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable scenario. Hey, I've always lived by the motto: Everything is worth it if you get a good story. True. So true.

So in the end, it's just me. Just me, lookin at me in the mirror, trying to figure out how this will look, how I will feel - blah blah blah. Thing is, I gotta stop trying to 'figure it out' and let it just happen. Because He knows - He is in charge - and He has it 'figured out' already. I'm just along for the ride at this point. I know I've made the right decisions up until this point - so I need to just continue to trust in Him and keep forging ahead. So that is the attitude I'm taking tonight and into tomorrow morning. That, and my sick sense of humor. We'll see what kind of sense of humor this new hospital personnel have tomorrow. They don't know what they're in for with me!

Thank you for your cards, your prayers, your good thoughts. They lift my spirits more than you realize. I'll have PJ post something tomorrow or over the weekend so you all know how everything went.

Goodnight and God Bless - Game On!