Let The Countdown Begin!

Have a little catching up to do since I didn't post on Thurs - sorry. I literally fell asleep on the couch after we put the kiddies to bed - I never do that.

Great meeting with the reconstructive surgeon on Thurs. I am so comfortable with him and really trust him. We went through the entire process and what I hadn't remembered when we talked about this way back in April was how long this process was going to take. I don't know why I thought it was only going to be like, 3-4 months - but it's more like 7-8 months. They can't start filling my expanders until I'm completely healed - makes sense - duh! So I won't even start fills until Dec. Then, we go down to Phx weekly for 50 cc's of saline, until I get to my desired size. Then I have outpatient surgery to take out the expanders and put in the implant, THEN I get the reconstruction of my top (remember, we don't use the N word around Dina) THEN I get my areola tattooed on. That takes me to like, June of 2010. Wow. I didn't realize what a process this was. Oh - AND I can't lift anything heavier than 5 lb for 2 weeks, then nothing heavier than 10 lb for the next 4 weeks. I'm a bit worried here considering Ginger. It will be so awful not to be able to pick her up and just squeeze her. I know, it's only 6 weeks - but that's a long time to go without hugging on my little one. We are a very cuddly family, and she is at the especially cuddly age. So, I'm praying on that lately.

After we went through all the details and stuff - I looked at my reconstr surgeon and said "So I guess I just need to prepare myself emotionally to wake up with nothing there, right?" and he said something to this effect. "I don't mean to offend you with what I'm about to say, because I have no idea what this is like for you - but my colleagues and I have discussed this just recently. You know, you could have the surgery where they take a part of you from somewhere else and wake up with some form of breast there - but from what we've seen, women seem to do much better with the way you are choosing to go. I've seen women in your scenario deal so much better with their disease, and just know that what you see when you wake up is not the way it will look in the end of this process. It's just the beginning." I found this extremely comforting and insightful. I am ready to start this chapter, I just need to deal with being incapacitated for 6 weeks - I think that is what frustrates me most. That, and trying to figure out what to wear that won't show my completely flat chest. Good thing it's getting cooler - layers, lots of layers.

PJ and one of his good friends painted the outside of our house this weekend, and it looks awesome! I didn't realize how much planning and prep this entailed - thus me feeling like a single parent for the past week. But it was all worth it, it really looks great. His cousin came up from Phx to stay for the weekend too and help me with the girls to the pumpkin patch. It was fun, but we had kind of a heat wave up here this weekend, and it was so miserably hot we didn't really stay all that long. And it was wicked expensive - in Chino Valley. In any case, we had as good of a time as we could with sweat pouring down our faces. I was so afraid I was one of those bitchy moms out with her kids - but I just couldn't help it. I felt like a piece of beef jerky just baking out in the sun. We couldn't find any shade anywhere - and Ginger totally has a farmer tan. Who gets a sunburn in October? Oy. Obviously I'm still having and issue here. OH - and since I go out now without my scarf on, it is VERY interesting to see how people treat me. We sat down at this picnic table area to rest and give the kinds some snacks, and there was this family with a new baby and the proud grandparents. Now, I'm the type of person when I see a baby, it's all I can do to not snatch it out of the hands of the mom to hold it. I just adore babies - so I was watching and smiling and asked how old the baby was. I have never experienced an exchange such as this. They didn't look at me - none of them. In fact, they intentionally looked away from me. Dismissed me with a one word answer and turned away from me. Funny thing is, my instinct was 'what is their problem?" Then I realized that my looks can still make people uncomfortable. I've just gotten so used to looking this way, I don't really think about it anymore. (thank you GOD) Isn't that interesting? I can't imagine treating someone, anyone, this way. I wasn't hurt, or upset - just a little sad I guess. Sad to be reminded of these kinds of people. I'm reminded of the words my roommate in NY said to me one day, I think I've shared this before "Dina, you think everyone thinks the way you do about things, and they don't". So simple, but so true. I really do.

So Sat night we cooked steaks on the bbq and had friends in who helped us paint the house with their kids and it was just lovely. It felt so nice to have kids running and laughing in the yard, and good friends to talk and laugh with. I haven't felt up to doing anything like this all summer, and this was such a lovely evening. We are so blessed to have the wonderful friends we have. That, I am proud to be reminded of often.

Dinner w/ my Dad and Nancy tonight and had a great time. I can't begin to express how it warms my heart to see my kids get so tickled and excited to see my dad. To see my dad joke and laugh with Madeline, then hold and kiss on Ginger - it brings such a light to my life. Again, I am blessed.

Well, PJ and I just watched a pretty good scary movie (Quarantine) so check it out if you are into scary stuff - and the girls are actually asleep so I am going to try to get some sleep myself for a change.

My antibiotics seem to be working finally - but had a weird sinus thing happen too - I think I'll get into that tomorrow. It's pretty gross. AAAhhhhhh the lingering effects of chemo!!!! Gotta luv it!

God Bless -