Not Enough Hours In The Day

It's amazing that when I'm finally getting to the point of feeling a bit better, I wouldn't really get that much of a chance to enjoy it because it just means that I can do that much more now. Does that make sense? I feel like I am so busy and trying to cram all this stuff in before this surgery that I don't even have time to sit down and thank the dear Lord for the strength I am gaining back, little by little. My hair that is growing back, little by little. My energy that is coming back, little by little. My TASTE that is coming back, little by little. It is subtle, all these changes, but good. Very good - and I am blessed.

I really had a wonderful prayer circle this afternoon. I can't explain how cleansing it is for me to meet with these ladies each week and tell them where my head is. Today I spoke a lot about Ginger and her seizure and how I was handling it. I spoke about having a hard time trusting God to keep her safe, that I really felt like that was my job. But, I'm starting to understand now that she is a gift, a true gift from God, and he picked me, just me to be her mommy, and has equipped me with everything I need to take care of her. But she is God's child, he created her, and he will take care of her. I am merely her keeper. I don't mean to trivialize this, I hope it isn't coming across this way. I remembered that Ginger truly is my miracle child. I wouldn't have her if my cancer was caught in it's 'early' stages, and I know I was meant to be here on this earth to be her mom. I still have a ways to go in this train of thought, but I certainly feel like I'm on the right path.

I cleaned out my closet this evening (isn't that ironic), and decided to let go of a bunch of crap that I have been hanging onto for years. And you'd think it was all this sentimental crap - I wish it was. It was mostly all these stupid clothes that we convince ourselves as women we will have a need for at some point in time. Truth is, it's just another black body suit that I don't think I could fit into now if I tried - why do I need a black body suit? Where do I think I'm going to wear this thing? Am I suddenly going to take up gymnastics or something? Oy. Needless to say, it felt good to get rid of this silly stuff I've been hanging onto for one reason or another, and my closet looks so much nicer now. Much more room for new useless crap I can start acquiring. ;-)

I have been sporting about town now without my scarf on for the past couple days, and I have to say - it feels great. What little hair I do have is still very thin, but it covers most of my head and I really love feeling a bit more 'normal'. And, oddly enough, I feel much more attractive - which puts a little spring in my step. Don't get me wrong, hearing my husband tell me what a perfectly shaped head I have was a lovely thing to hear - but to hear him say this morning, "hey - you look really great!" just about made my heart skip a beat. I had no idea how much hair - even this smallest amount, could make such a huge difference. And I don't mean this in a superficial way, I mean it in a way that is slowly starting to define the 'new me' if you will. Knowing what I know now, about me as a woman, is making me approach this new person who is slowing appearing in a completely different manner. It's hard to explain, but it's almost as if I've been torn apart and now slowly being completely recreated. From the inside out. Pretty cool shit.

Madeline reached across the table for my hand at dinner tonight, held it and said "Mom, you're my best friend". It just doesn't get any better than that. And I taught Ginger to say "Uh-Oh" which she has repeated over and over and over today with a very over exaggerated facial expression. She has seemed more herself today than she has since the seizure, and I am so very grateful.

I'm off to Sedona tomorrow, so off to bed with me now.


God Bless -