All Bound Up

Woke up this morning feeling pain, which was a bummer. I think that the drugs actually wore off from the surgery finally and my medication wore off at the same time. I really thought I was getting off easy this time, no such luck.

Mom and Britt came up this morning and have been such a help. My girls are really addicted to me as of late, which makes it extra hard to be so incapacitated. It's also hard on those who are helping me, because my kids don't want anyone but me - so they cry and run away from everyone else. I forget sometimes they are going through this too on their own level. It's equally as frustrating, scary, weird and out of their normal routine for them. They are so sweet though. It's funny, at the point I'm feeling most helpless, they need me. Giving me such purpose, and love, and appreciation. This is not by accident. So awesome. Madeline turned to me this evening when we were getting ready to brush her teeth and said to me " Mom, you're the best mom is the whole world." Talk about purpose. I am so very blessed.

I decided to get Ginger dressed after bath tonight and she totally kicked me right in the chest. I can't even tell you how this felt - it was surreal. It was almost like it didn't register in my mind what happened until moments afterwards. Very strange. Needless to say, this was not a smart move on my part - won't be doing that again. I guess I just get stressed sometimes when I can't keep my kids schedule in line. I never should have gotten down there and bathed them, but I did. PJ had ran to the store and it was taking longer than usual, so I just decided to do this myself. My kids are so used to their structure, I freak a little when I don't stick to it, especially when everything else is so, well, unstructured with us right now. This surgery really came out of nowhere. When my dr told me that we needed to have this surgery, I immediately started crying in his office. (which he had no reaction to by the way, story for another time I suppose) And in retrospect, my tears were because I knew this would screw up the routine, the simple stupid routine we take for granted every day that holds us together like glue. And I know, it sounds really stupid, but I feel bad. Like I need to apologize for screwing it all up for everyone. I don't know if that is a woman thing, to take the blame like this, or if it's a Dina thing - but it's a real thing to me. People can say "it's not your fault" and I hear this, but it doesn't take away my feeling of guilt. That is just there and I continue to work though it.

So here's the cool part, I get to spend New Years Eve with my husband, my kids, my mom & my niece. I get to reflect on this year, this year - wow - full of so many things, and I get to be surrounded by my family. How very blessed am I. This year has been a whirlwind. I am not the person I was a year ago. I know years change many people, but this year has changed me into an entirely different person. It took who I was, and lifted me up like 10 notches. In rising up those notches, pieces dropped off, shed away, other pieces were magnified, got brighter, and new pieces emerged. But also, growth occurred. Growth in my relationship with God, my marriage, my friendships, and myself. I have a completely different definition of who Dina is - I thought I knew before, but have such a deeper understanding now. What an awesome experience of self awareness. I wish everyone could get this for themselves, without having to go through what I have. But maybe that is the payoff - such a shitty thing, for this beauty to emerge. Hmmm. Who knows.

Happy New Year to all. I probably won't post again till Sunday evening, so have a safe and happy new year.

God Bless -

and Dina Drains..............

So, surgery went well. Late, I didn't get in for prep until 4pm, and my surgery was originally scheduled for 3:30. So we didn't get back home here until 9pm. It was a long day. It was so hard waiting, and I have to say, it was the wrong choice for me to wait for this surgery. Yes, I'm glad we went on Polar Express, but it was pretty miserable knowing that the infection was just getting worse. Back to the waiting part yesterday, I have a sneaky suspicion why everything was backed up. I was livid, in pain, angry, hungry, thirsty (couldn't eat or drink anything since 7am yesterday) - I was in a totally wrong frame of mind entering into this surgery. I'm not saying I've been doing cartwheels into the other surgeries I've had this past year, but I at least had a good attitude and my sarcasm at a high point. Once I realized that I was clearly NOT in that frame of mind, I prayed about it. Then I had to pee really bad, so I asked if I could go and they ended up taking me back to get prepped for surgery. Coincidence? Hmmmm.

So here I sit, my chest wrapped up like a burrito and these drains hanging out of me once again. Couple good things - feel SO much better since all the infection is now gone, and I can move around a lot better this time than I could after the initial surgery. Maybe cuz I've already had my muscles adjusted, not sure. I asked one of the nurses in the OR if they ever let out an "EW!!!!" when they open up infected people like me - he laughed and said "EW! Gross!" I said that I was actually pre-maturely embarrassed for what they were going to find there during surgery. So I apologized to him early. I'm so weird. I guess there was a lot of infection (DUH!) and I just got a call this evening from my doc office saying the culture came back and one of the antibiotics they have me on was ineffective with this type of bacteria. Great, that's what I've been taking all along - and now know it wasn't working. Needless to say, I'm still pretty frustrated with this whole situation. Am I in pain? Not too much, but I've kept on a pretty good percocet schedule since yesterday. Also, I can't take a shower again for a week and no lifting again for six weeks. I'd scream, but I remember I'm not very good at it. I'm going to be healing for the next 3 months, so I've got time to figure out what to do. I'm contemplating finding another doctor, but not until I have a real heart to heart with my current doctor. I think that's only fair.

My mom and Britt are coming back up tomorrow am to help us for a couple days. I'm so very blessed - they just left and here they come up again to help my sorry ass. Also, I have meals coming every night this week. And, there was my mom, Britt, Sean, Joe and PJ's dad waiting for me through my whole surgery yesterday. Nancy was here taking care of my kids all day yesterday and today - it just doesn't stop. I've had so many people show up for me, literally, in so many ways - I don't think I'll ever be able to thank everyone properly. I'm so blessed to have all of them, all of you.

It's going to be weird to take these bandages off next week and have nothing there. I mean, before he was able to fill me up half way, so I had a tiny bit of cleavage. Not this time. I will handle it, I have to. Like everything else, we just plow through it, don't we? Once again, if someone would have told me this time last year 'Oh yea, you're going to have your breast tissue cut out, expanders put in, filled, then infected, them removed, then start all over again in 3 months" I would have said "fuck you". But guess what? You do it. You just do it. I wasn't scared this time, I was angry. So I prayed. I prayed to God to help me change my anger into grace and just trust in Him. Be thankful, be graceful, and trust that He would take care of me. Again, peace.

Must have ice cream now - and my new antibiotic (PJ went to pick this up for me). Did I happen to mention how fabulous my husband is? I need to say that I am the luckiest woman in the world. Talk about showing up for me - I know I've said it before, but I must have done something right in this life to deserve this man. To have him by my side through this, I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him. He makes me want to be a better person. He is my world, my life.

Alright - NOW I must have ice cream, and a pain pill. My chest is aching a bit tonight, right in the center sternum area. Probably the burrito wrap. More cheese please!!!

God Bless -

Where Have I Been All My Life

If you haven't heard the above song on the new George Strait cd, you must. It is awesome.

So, finally - surgery tomorrow. I thought it would never get here. In retrospect, I'm not sure waiting for this was the best decision. It's been horribly painful, gross and stressful to deal with this through the holiday. I know the alternative would have come with it's own set of stresses, but at least it would have been all done.

I ended up NOT going to church to direct the children's program. Ginger's temp went to 101 that afternoon and I just couldn't leave her. The good news here is, no seizure! We've been managing a fever with her for the last couple days, and thank you Jesus, no seizure. We think maybe she had a mini one when we were at the Polar Express, but we're not sure. So, my good friend Mary Ann took over for me at church, and I stayed home with my infected boobs and my sick girls. They both are doing better (my girls, not my boobs). Not 100%, but better.

I developed some annoying mouth sore on Christmas Eve and it has gotten worse to the point where it hurts to eat. Now this is on my right side, the side where the infection has not drained out yet. It drains on the left side daily, which is so gross I can't even explain. I basically change the dressing and it starts pouring out of this open wound. I lean over the sink and just wait for it to subside. The right side is just all red and black/blue - no open wound on that side so there's no place for it to go. It's swollen and painful to the touch (what I can feel anyway). I don't know where or what this sore is in my mouth - could it be just more infection coming out in different ways? Maybe. I'm just really getting tired of this shit.

I need to stop asking myself 'why is this happening' because I drove myself crazy when I did this with my initial diagnosis. I'm never going to get an answer here, so I need to just keep moving forward. I'm also kinda pissed - how did an infection like this get missed? I see my doc weekly, they've never seen an infection before? It took pus to start pouring out of me to take notice? I even asked, is it supposed to be this red and painful when I get a fill? No one listened to me, and I'm very frustrated. I mean, whether it was caught now or earlier, the solution would have been the same - removing the expanders. I'm just feeling a little concerned about the care I'm getting is all. I don't know shit about this stuff, so I look to them for answers, I look to them as the professionals - what I need to remember, is I am the patient and I have a brain that works logically too. I can't doubt my logic when it comes into play just because I'm not a plastic surgeon, or physician, or oncologist - etc. We all need to speak up for ourselves, no one else is going to. And I don't mean that in a 'you're on your own sucker!' kind of way, I just mean we all need to take some responsibility for our own care, and not just do everything they tell us to do because we think they are the 'expert'. Does that make sense?

So, surgery tomorrow at 3:30. I've got help for my girls tomorrow and Tues, then not real sure what we're doing for Wed. I'm hoping I'm not too bad, but we'll see how I feel.

My friend Jennifer reminded me of something important today. She said that at least I had my PET scan already so I know it's not a cancer thing. I didn't even think about that - yes, I totally would have thought that it was something like that. I need to remember that this is just a bump in the road. I'm recovered, just need to take a quick side step is all. Maybe this all was just too much for my body to try to heal and handle. I was 2 months out from chemo, had mastectomy with reconstruction and had my expanders filled 1/2 way. Maybe my body just couldn't do all the things it was supposed to to heal all of that at the same time. I'm bummed, but I understand. Upward and onward.

Got out my lesbian shirts to wear again for awhile since I can't pull anything over my head for a week. Maybe I'll pick up some Birkenstocks just to confuse even more people at Walgreens. ;-)

God Bless -

Dina - Reconstructed

Well, my fears have come to fruition. I've developed an infection in both of my expanders and they have to come out. I just cried listening to him tell me of the new game plan. Surgery is scheduled for Monday. He will remove the expanders, obviously clean me out of all infection then seq me back up. After about 3 months of healing, which should be faster w/o any expanders in - we'll start over again.

I go back and forth between laughing and crying. I don't want to be laid up again, I was just feeling so good. I'm confused by why this happened. I did everything right - but my doc says this is simply a complication of any surgery. I guess I think I'll feel better if I can blame something. Or someone. I don't know. I so didn't want this to be the scenario - and I'm so upset that it is. Being said, I will do this. Like everything else, I will do this. I'm kinda releived to get these suckers out to be honest, breathe a little sigh of relief if you will. My body just didn't like THESE expanders - my body wants different one. Leave it me to be particular about such things.

So we were able to do Polar Express last night which was so much fun - and cold - woke up to a tamp of 2 this morning. Ginger is now sick. Madeline has this horrendous cough and now Ginger has a fever. What a Christmas at the Mountcastle's eh? Infected boobs, fevers and congested coughing. Wanna come over??? I thought I would have to have surgery right then, or at least today - but he scheduled it for Monday - glad that I didn't miss any of our holiday plans, but this is VERY strange walking around knowing I'm simply controlling an infection. It's quite disgusting and is making me just want this out and over now. I even toyed with the idea if reconstruction was really that important. My doc asked me, 'was it the right decision for you when you made it?' - 'yes' I answered. He said 'Then it's the right decision now. Don't look at this as a complication - this is manageable. We can fix this.'

I'm so tired. And trying to find the humor. It comes and goes to be honest. Not quite at the forefront as it has been in the past.

I'm keeping my kids home this evening while I run and direct the children's program at church. I don't want my kids around anyone else right now. Time for quiet and warmth for them. Me too, eventually. I can't believe I'm having surgery again before the new year. This is surgery #5. I'm tired.

Merry Christmas to everyone. I know how much I have to be grateful for. I'm cancer free and that is indeed a miracle. This other stuff is just annoying stuff I'm going to have to deal with. Good, bad or indifferent. It's what's happening and I just gotta plow through it and find the humor. I'm already calling this the Christmas of the Infected Boob. We will always be able to look back and say "Yea! You were cancer free that year! Oh - and our boobs were all infected too, right? Ew Dina - seriously."

God Bless - and I'll have PJ post on Mon to talk about the surgery. It's outpatient so hopefully will be - well - unremarkable. ;-)

Honey! I've sprung a leak!!!

So this has turned into one of the most horrifying and frustrating days yet. Get this, and I'm not making this shit up - believe me:

Up at 5am so we can be on the road by 6:30 as I have a dr appt at 8:30 and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to bring the entire family. We pile my poor sleeping children in the car and Madeline proceeds to cough the entire ride to Phx. In fact, she coughs so much she gags, then yes, vomits all over herself in the back seat. We pull over, clean her up, and off we go again. Not 10 minutes later, we hear it again, only now it's Ginger - she has spit up all over herself. (she is way too young yet for the whole 'don't throw up or I'll throw up' thing right?)

So I decide to drop PJ and the girls at my moms and go to my dr appt on my own. I'm ready to discuss this horrible pain I've been having, and the odd redness on the outer sides of both of my breasts. I get there and the doc walks in - he doesn't know why I'm all red, but puts me on 2 different antibiotics. Then you think it's infected? I ask - No - he says. OK. I'm confused. And no one addresses me being in pain. I am so frustrated I can't even believe it. At this point, I just want to get out of there. He says he wants to see me next week - appt scheduled - out I go. I go to get in my car and someone with this crappy piece of shit Yukon has parked so close to me, I can't get into my car. I tried too - no go. I was now livid. I walked back into the dr office and announced 'who is the one with the black Yukon? I can't get into my car!' Of course no one fessed up - so out I go again, and I realize I'm going to have to crawl across the passenger side to the drivers side. This is normally not a big deal, but try doing this with an open wound healing on my left side and the 'it's not infected but it's red' pain I have been having for over a week now. So painful I can't even explain. I did leave a not though - why do people do this? Do they have no consideration at all for other people? Ever? So, I screamed - I consciously thought about this before I did it - really wanting it to bring me some sort of relief, I really just felt stupid. It didn't really help, and I didn't think my scream was a very good one. Well, at least I tried.

Off then to Scottsdale I go to get some new mastectomy bras - THAT actually was a pretty good visit and I left wearing one. I felt like a new woman.

Flash forward now to us all being back home here in Dewey, my mom and Britt have come up for Christmas and we are preparing for the Polar Express tomorrow, when I realize I needed to run to the store and the pharmacy for my new antibiotics. This would normally take like an hour or so to run into town. Cue snow storm. I don't get home for like, 3 hours. I'm home and I'm exhausted, plus I haven't eaten anything but a donut all day. I sit down for a minute, and feel this wetness under my shirt - like when you've been working out while wearing a sports bra and you sweat between your breast? It was strange - so I go to my bedroom to check it out, and there is this liquid saturating my new bra - (this is gross, warning!). I thought at first my wicked cool silicone inserts had busted or something. No. It was fluid - lots of it - draining out of my open wound. This had gone through the bandage already on there, and was literally pouring out of my chest. It was repulsive, and everywhere. I called PJ in and we both just kinda freaked for a minute - then quickly got my dr on the phone. What they think happened, was there was a pocket of fluid that needed to drain, and perhaps the pressure of the new bra caused it to flow out so rapidly. Let me just tell you this was so frightening. To have this shit coming out of you, not able to control it, and not able to feel it - very strange and surreal.

Since I didn't have a fever, and the stuff coming out wasn't smelly or anything (like pus or infection - sorry, but it is gross) I was OK but my doc wants to see me tomorrow morning. If I'm fine, great, but what is he going to see tomorrow that he didn't see today? He said there wasn't any fluid this morning, then look what happened? I'm just frustrated. I've been feeling like no one has been listening to me when I've described what's wrong with me. I didn't even know what happened today COULD happen - shouldn't there be a pamphlet or something? I know we don't always have the answers - I just want a few is all.

So here goes my husband, yet again, kicking into high gear to handle the kids, dinner, everything. I'm bound to the chair and shouldn't really lift anything.

So tonight I pray for healing. And I pray for all to go well so we can head up to Williams tomorrow afternoon for the Polar Express. Maybe we just weren't meant to go - not sure. Would've appreciated knowing that before I paid for it back in Aug.

Needless to say, this has been an emotional day. I am once again falling asleep whilst I type here, so I need to end on this note.

Ginger kept handing me my devotional yesterday. She handed it to me 3 different times, when I would take it, say thank you and put it on my desk. She'd hand it to me again and I'd say 'thank you' and put it on my desk. She did it a third time and this was rare for her - she rarely hands me a book that she hasn't tried to tear apart first. (love this stage, arg.)

So duh, this finally occurs to me and I go and read the devotional for that day, with PJ. Here's what it said.

My Plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears - through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely; as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My power and My glory.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles - and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory.

I needed to read this again today, many times. That Ginger, she knows what she's doing. Must sleep.

God Bless -

Another Frickin "A-Ha!" Moment - jeeesh.

So, my little Madeline has caught a cold. This totally sucks for her cuz it was the last weekend before Christmas as we didn't get to do all the fun things I wanted to do. (not that I told her we weren't doing them, that would be mean) She'd have a temp, then it would go away, have it again, go away, cough, runny nose, the works. I'm going to take her to the pediatrician tomorrow just to check her out. If antibiotics will work, I'd like to start them now so she'll hopefully be OK for Polar Express on Wed then of course Christmas. I'm praying for that. For right now, she sleeps deeply, which is soooooo good.

This weekend was very different for me. On one hand, it was wicked cool. PJ took part in the sermon for all 3 services at our church, which was just so cool. My senior pastor had asked if I would collaborate with her on her sermon for this weekend which was about taking risks and she wanted to incorporate something with Mary and Joseph. (be careful telling people if you have a theater backround unless your willing to utilize those skills everywhere!) So I went searching for Mary/Joseph monologues and really didn't find anything worth while. Most were kinda cheesy to be honest. Found one though, but it was only a Joseph monologue. I thought it was good enough to share w/ her anyways, and she felt the same. She ended up using it in her sermon this weekend, and she designed it as if Joseph was coming to give his testimony. And, you guessed it, PJ played Joseph. He was just great. I think it went over really well. I hope so. I'm just the very proud wife!

On the other hand however, the fill I received on Thurs has pushed me back into a level of pain that I cannot quite describe. Let's put it this way, my chest (can I say breasts even though there's technically no breast tissue to call them such?) is now red with black and blue marks covering a majority of each side. This fill of 100 cc's each side has bruised me. Remember how excited I was to be able to pick up Ginger and hold her, carry her around, put her in her crib? Yea, no more. Can't do that now. Advil doesn't seem to work - it takes the edge off, but we're back to percocet at night so I can sleep. I plowed through this this weekend, trying to act like I was fine, but not fine, went to church and held the rehearsal for the children's christmas eve program (did I mention I voluteered for that as well?) and by the end of the evening tonight - I was in tears. Literally. I went to take the stupid shower I have to take every night so I can change these disgusting bandages and pack and repack this open wound - looked at myself with these bruises all over me and just lost it. I stood in the shower crying - which by the way, is a really great place to cry, the warm water just seems to wash away everything. It made me cry harder I think.

I know, please, don't start with the whole 'it won't be like this for long' crap - or 'at least you're alive' crap. I know these things - I live those things everyday, and trust me, I tell myself that everyday too. I guess I just thought the horrific pain part was over - or at least manageable. To start to feel like a human being again then get hit over the head like this was just too much. I sat just a moment ago to gather my thoughts, sitting on my couch in the light of the christmas lights on our patio, hearing PJ and my girls sleeping soundly - and just started talking to Jesus. Of course thanking Him for all he has and continues to bless me and my family with - then talking through this pain. I asked Him, is this supposed to teach me something? And then the words came right into my head, almost immediately. Slow Down. Simple as that. I need to slow the fuck down - or I'm going to get caught up in all the BS that I used to get caught up in. I need to slow down, remember who I am, what I'm doing and WHY I'm doing it, and enjoy. I need to continue to heal, nuture my poor body back to health. I was beat up on the inside and out for 7 months, that is going to take time to heal. I better slow down or I'm going to miss it. We all are. So as I dry my eyes this evening, I can pop a percocet with a bit more ease knowing that this too shall pass, and just slow down.
;-) Lesson learned. Oh, and probably not going to go for the 100 cc again. 50 at a time may be a bit more my speed.

Have a great week everyone - and I've attached the link to the monologue PJ gave in church if anyone is interested in reading it. I think it's pretty funny. (of course.)

God Bless -

www.biblicalrecorder.org/content/resources/2004/12_3_2004/re031204try.shtml

Thank You Sir May I Have Another?

So, I wasn't going to blog tonight because I just got home about an hour ago from going all day. Tired. But I must share this experience with you real fast, freaky and awesome all at the same time.

I ended up driving to Phx this afternoon to seen Dr. Mo because I wanted to make sure what I was feeling the past couple days was not infection. That, would be bad. This was the first dr appt I've gone to on my own. PJ and Madeline were ringing the Salvation Army bell in front of Walmart today in town. How frickin sweet is that. Anyways, as it turns out, my doc, who is awesome, says it is NOT infected (thank you God) but since the irritaion on the left side is where there is a, well, like 'kink' in my expander he was going to go ahead and have Veronica (also frickin awesome individual) give me my first fill. Wha? He also told me that I should not be on the prednisone as that prevents healing. Didn't know that. Sorry. Oops.

So wow, here I am getting my first fill - he ordered 100 cc's in each side. The normal is 50. Veronica comes in with this tiny 'stud finder' if you will - she passes it across the top corner of my breast to find where the 'port' of the expander is. Once she finds it, she gets this ginormous syringe - I mean, like Tom & Jerry cartoon syringe - this is when I decide to turn my head. She is constantly talking here, and I barely feel the needle penetrate the skin, then I feel pressure. She slowly pushes the fluid into my expander. Each syringe only holds 50 cc's - so she has to do this twice on each side. My chest feels heavy, and no lie, I'm like a whole cup size bigger. It is CRAZY! This took all of about 15 minutes tops. I bled a little bit, but no bandaid needed, nothing. Shot it in and then I was done. Now, I have to say, my chest muscles hurt before, they REALLY are sore now. Wow. So thank you Dr Mo - I got my percocet prescription - ahhhhhh, sleep tonight hopefully.

Thought I would go ahead and post a pic of me, cancer free with my new little do - thank you Sami for being sweet enough to request this. I forget how quickly my looks are changing, it's amazing.

Must sleep now, feeling the effects of the drug and feeling groovy. God Bless all -

Lesson Learned - Don't Buy Premade Food on Sale.

Ok, so isn't this just frickin karma? I get this awesome news last night then around, oh, 10:30ish, I feel sick. I'm wrapping presents and I told PJ I needed to stop and just go to bed that I felt so bad. Now, also, my chest muscles on my left side (the side that isn't healing properly) started aching last night too, around 5pm or so. Didn't really know why. So I wake up this morning, like 3am and I'm shivering with fever. Scared the shit out of me. I was convinced my incision was infected and my body was reacting. As I think it turns out, I believe me to have had food poisoning from the premade food at Costco. Now, I've bought this before, but I've never bought the food that said '$3 off at the register!'. That's cuz they need to get rid of it because IT'S OLD!!! So I won't be partaking in chicken Parmesan anytime in the near future. Now, the pain in my chest? I forgot that when I went for my PET scan, you have to raise your arms above your head and keep them that way for about 30 minutes. Yikes. Now I did this, but realized this morning I hadn't done this at all since my surgery. Considering my expanders are literally sewn into my chest muscle (yuk) no wonder it is sore. Both sides are sore now, so I know this had to be it. My fever was gone around 11:30 this morning, and I literally slept all day. Thank you God for my husband being able to pinch hit, yet again, with my kids while I rest and get better.

I felt better this evening, which is good because I went for my first haircut tonight. I was so excited. Well, as excited as you can be coming off a food poisoning binge. I went to a lady my friend Lara recommended and I'm so thrilled to look like I have a little style now. So cool. Then I had a meeting at my church as I've put in my application to be trained to become a Stephens Minister. No, I won't be preaching from the pulpit (yet), what this is is a kind of christian based counselor - confidentially assigned to people in crises to act as their friend, confidant, spiritual caregiver of sorts. Someone to listen. I'm so excited to become a part of this division of my church. To give back, and learn from others and hopefully help them too.

Although I was not feeling up to par, there was a little extra spring in my step this evening. It feels so good, and so unreal too, to be cancer free. Now I really get to say I HAD cancer. I'm going to have to practice that.

So, meant to write the day I had my PET scan, because the passage from my devotional was so comforting. I read it just before I went in, and I am still going to share it here, because I think it is so dead on -

Take time to be Holy. The word Holy does not mean goody-goody; it means set apart for sacred use. That is what these quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you. As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed: re-created into the one I designed you to be. This process requires blocks of time set aside for communion with Me.

The benefits of this practice are limitless. Emotional and physical healing are enhanced by your soaking in the Light of my Presence. You experience a nearness to Me that strengthens your faith and fills you with Peace. You open yourself up to receive the many blessings that I have prepared for you. You become a cleansed temple of My Holy Spirit, who is able to do in and through you immeasurably more than you ask or imagine. These are just some of the benefits of being still in My Presence.Now, not only did I find great comfort of this reminder as I went into have my test - it also reminded me of my PJ - who is in the same kind of spiritual quandary as many are I imagine. He has a hard time the the whole 'letting go' thing. And I totally get that - I fall into that too sometimes, I think we all do, we're human. But I wish people could experience the feeling of doing this just to 'test it out' for a time or two. I did it for the first time with my diagnosis - because I literally realized I had no where else to turn. I'm not saying that I hadn't ever come to God before then, I'm just saying that the way I thought I had been coming to him, was not the way it was supposed to be. You literally have to sit, speak with Him, and give Him all your worry, your fear, your questions that are unable to be answered by anyone, and trust. Trust he will do what's right. That is frickin HARD. I think that is where people's apprehension is - like it's giving up or something. But it's not, it's being at peace with the situation, acting in the best human way you know how, and trusting God to give you the result. I just wish everyone could feel what I felt when I did this, such peace. Hard, painful, but then peace.

Off to bed now, got the Christmas cookies made. I think my body is on healing overload, so I need all the rest I can get. The next couple days are full of holiday cheer and such, so off to bed with me.

Hope everyone is enjoying the season. God Bless

God is so good, it almost makes me pee myself!!!

Well, as you can probably ascertain, the results from my PET scan came in and they are 'negative'. No cancer. Anywhere. It's gone. My oncologist told me she loved me and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing. I am overwhelmed. I have been laughing and crying intermittently since this phone call this evening. Yes, she called me at 6:45 in the evening. She my friends, is an angel. In the truest sense of the word. I am convinced of this.

I guess I kinda assumed this would be the case after my surgery and after the path report, but there is that fear factor that just frickin hangs around.

Maybe I HAVE been drinking too much diet coke? Is that it?
I should have been drinking more water.
I haven't been eating enough vegetables.
I haven't prayed hard enough the last couple of weeks.
I've already asked God for so much.
Why should I be spared when so many others aren't.
Why am I so special?
Is my hair curling again?
Can I just have a little more hair before I have to start this whole thing over again?


All these things and tons more, going through my mind within the last 24 hours whilst carting my children around town to school and such and Christmas shopping. This is surreal. To look back at this year, it is simply amazing. It is a miracle - no shit. It doesn't happen that I am stage IV in April 2009 and cancer free in Dec 2009 without some form of divine intervention. Seriously. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

I called my mom, my dad & Nancy, Jennifer (my front liners) - I thanked each of them for standing by me through this journey. (I know it's not entirely over, it never will be, but maybe the real shitty part is) I couldn't have taken care of myself, physically or spiritually without them, or any of you reading, or everyone who called, posted these amazing notes to me on my blog, emails, who sent me cards, money, time, food, everything. Because of you, the walking will of God, I am here. Thank you.

I've said 'shit' like 3 times already in this post - apparently digging the brown word this evening. Hmmmm.

I think it's a 2 glass of wine night tonight, so I am going to partake. Oh yea, and wrap Christmas presents, pay bills, address cards, blah blah blah - life goes on - THANK GOD!!!

God Bless -

Ahhh, to finally bitch about the mundane...

Wow, what a whirlwind of emotion for me this weekend. I swear, once I think this cancer thing has taught me everything, something new seems to pop up.

First of all, I'm going to start another blog and title it "Things NOT to say to a cancer patient - or - Did you really just say that?" It will consist of postings only, by cancer patients or their caregivers only - it will be hilarious. Stay tuned, it's coming this week. Because I could use this entire post tonight on this subject just off this weekends people's comments. Seriously.

What I'm finding is that I get so frustrated with people, that when they happen to come out with a stupid comment, I will play the cancer card when the situation really doesn't call for it. Shame on me. Here's an example. I'm on line forever to buy this very sweet interactive nativity scene called "What Does God Want for Christmas" (so frickin cute - you MUST check it out - thank you Jennifer) anyhoo, the woman behind the counter was older, and it was wicked busy and she was not possessing any sense of urgency, which drives me NUTS in general. So after she had claimed she didn't have it in the store when I walked in so I had to find it myself with Ginger on my hip and Madeline racing through the store, here I stand on line waiting, and waiting, and waiting - with 2 kids in tow. Not fun. So I get up to the register, she doesn't look up and says "Can I help you sir". Ouch. I immediately snapped back with, "Well, first of all - I'm a woman." To which she responded "I guess that will teach me to look up from now on." I ignore her and hand her my purchase. She asks me if I have some sort of 'rewards' card, I say no. She asks me my last name, I say why - she wants to see if I'm in the system. I say that I've never been in this store before and probably won't be again - so no, I'm not in the system. As I'm leaving the owner I guess stops me and says something to the effect of 'If it's any consolation, when I had short hair my husband..." I am so livid at this point I cut her off and said "Listen - I didn't get to decide for my hair to look like this, cancer did - so please, just leave me alone." I just felt like I was about to scream! What is wrong with people? But then I had to take some time to think about this and find out what I was really angry about. I think it was just the really shitty service I was given - and the inappropriate comment just intensified it. So for me to whip out the 'cancer' card, I don't really think was fair. I think it is appropriate to use on people who are just stupid about what comes out of their mouth - like the Walmart lady asking me 'Why did you wack it?' when she saw my long hair on my drivers license pic. People like that need to be reminded to think before they speak - so my comment then of 'Oh, I'm a cancer patient' was appropriate. We can't, or at least I can't, sit idly by and allow people to say and do inappropriate things to me - it's hurtful. But this situation, I think I abused my 'cancer' card privileges - this was about me trying to make them feel bad instead of making a point. So I need to know the difference before I open my big mouth. Also, this shows me I still have moments where I'm really pissed about having to go through this whole thing. I don't think that will ever go away.

I've realized that things people say are very powerful. If I have an interaction with someone, like I did at church this morning, where my friend says 'Dina, you look really good. I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile, you look really great.' That is such a pick me up. This effects me positively just as strongly as the negative things. The negative things are sometimes MORE powerful - why is that? When someone says to me 'how can you afford those?' or 'can I help you sir' or 'are you a man or a woman' it is so powerful and effects me so deeply. We need each other in this life - we need to help each other, lift each other up, care for each other. I think part of this experience for me, is to remind people of this. I volunteered at the mall yesterday sitting at the Angel Tree for the Salvation Army. I loved it. After I was done I went in to Barnes and Noble and picked up a couple things for Christmas and the employee who helped me was an older gentleman. He was having trouble scanning something in and had to call his manager over. I could tell me he was frustrated and he kept apologizing. I assured him this was fine and to take his time, I wasn't in a hurry. His manager, a woman about 15 years younger than him, was so dismissive and nasty to him, I just wanted to smack her. He was deflated when we were done with my transaction. He looked at me and said "This hasn't been one of my days today" to which I responded "Ya know, if we didn't have days like this, we wouldn't know what the really good ones felt like!" He smiled and said, "you're right". Now, I'm not sharing this to state that I'm just the best person in the world. I'm sharing this because we have an effect on each other in this life - not only people we know, but people we don't know. I didn't know this guy, but instead of being all caught up in my own shit, I choose to engage with people. We're supposed to engage with people. Exchange with each other - who knows what kind of positive effect we are having on each other out here - we just need to pay more attention.

I go for my PET scan tomorrow morning and I have to say I'm nervous. I broke down a bit tonight w/ PJ about this. I'm just scared. I go between 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' to 'logically it wouldn't make any sense for anything to show up here' to 'whatever happens happens'. Such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I suppose this will be the norm whenever I go through this. I just looked at myself in the mirror tonight and thought "just let me have a little more hair before anything else happens". PJ is right, I can't think that way, but it's hard not to sometimes.

Lately, as I've been feeling stronger and getting back into my new life, I'm noticing I'm not able to express myself as I used to - it's like the complete thought is in my head, but when I come out to say it, it all comes out fragmented or something. I think this happens most when I'm tired, or when I have too much going on at once - it's strange. People I know, like my family - it doesn't seem to happen there as much - occasionally, but not often. It's really when I'm out and about. So frustrating. I wonder if that will go away.

Well, off to bed with me. My test is at 9:30 - so think of me in the pitch black room around that time. Maybe I'll start singing or something. It is Christmas after all. Who doesn't love a little 'O Tannenbaum' first thing in the morning??

God Bless -

Corn cob pipe and a button nose - literally.

So I had my first encounter with an ear/nose/throat specialist today. Very interesting. First of all, LOTS OF OLD PEOPLE WITH OXYGEN. Wow. While I was sitting there waiting, this older gentleman came in with another older gentleman friend of his (who was very friendly and waved to me) but the guy came in holding tissues up to his nose and told the front desk girl that he'd been bleeding for the past hour. Why wouldn't you just go to the hospital? Weird. Saw him later pass by wearing some sort of plastic poncho. Strange.

Anyway, I met my new specialist and found him very charming. I sat in a normal medical examining room, but it had like a tall skinny dentist type chair in it. I was having flashes of the scene from Little Shop of Horrors w/ Bill Murray, wanting to sit in the chair with my legs up knocking my knees together - but I didn't. He looked in my nose and explained to me that these types of 'holes' in the septum don't usually heal - but mine was small enough that there was a slight chance that it might. He also asked if I had ever done cocaine. Does anyone answer honestly to this question? I've never done it, but I felt like he didn't believe me when I said this. Anyways, they usually place what's kind of like a plastic button in the hole to seal it, but mine was too small for this. So he's putting me on predisone to hopefully stop the sinus inflammation and stop my nose from constantly running (I'm thrilled to be on this for a short time, I'll get my house sparkling clean - if anyone's been on this steroid before, it's FABULOUS for an energy boost) and then I have to buy Vaseline cream and shove it in my nose all day every day until I see him again in a couple weeks. He was funny, he said 'this cream is white, so you might look funny to other people with this white stuff in your nose'. I said to him "I was bald all summer, I think I'm pretty much over caring what other people think of me". So I'm praying this plan of action will work. Then he made a sarcastic comment about Boston winning the World Series - and I gave him HUGE kudos for the comment. So I have been able to find sarcasm at it's finest up here. Who knew, in this little town.

Then down to Phx we went today for my check up with my plastic surgeon and that went really well too. Although I'm noticing a pattern. If you've ever seen The Money Pit, its about a couple (Shelley Long and Tom Hanks) who buy this old dilapidated house and it ends up costing them pretty much everything to get it up and running again. Every contractor says the same thing to them when they ask them how much longer it's going to me - they keep telling the 'two weeks, two weeks'. My doc again said 6-8 weeks before I'm healed completely. He has said this for the past 4 weeks pretty much - so it that 6-8 weeks from the beginning 4 weeks ago? Or it is 6-8 weeks from each time you tell me that it's 6-8 weeks? Hmmm. Good thing is, I'm healing and he's pleased with the progress. I go again on the 22nd of this month. Merry Christmas. Speaking of which, guess I won't achieve new tits for Christmas, but I'm happy to say I've achieved eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. Oh yea, cancer free too - that ol thing.

So I was chatting with a friend of mine today about my upcoming PET scan and I was describing it as such a 'dramatic' type of test. I need to prepare myself for this 'drama' every 3 months. The inject you with this radioactive stuff then put you in a pitch black room for 30 minutes - isn't that ridiculous? It's almost like 'Here - sit here now in the dark and think about what you've done!' type of scenario. Too funny. Cuz that's what you really need when you're getting ready to have a test done that detects cancer in your body - sit in a dark room by yourself and just think about it. So stupid.

Was wrapping Christmas presents this evening, the ones I have to ship tomorrow, and I almost started getting stressed about it. I didn't get there though - just don't have the energy at all. I'm sending what I can, and that's all that matters. Frustrated a bit, but not stressed.

Once again it's late here, and I need to get some sleep. I still get so exhausted in the evenings. I seem to still crash around 3-4pm but haven't had the opportunity to do anything about it lately, which makes the evening crash even more severe. The one pain I haven't been able to get under control yet is this right leg pain. This has been going on for literally years now, and I think all the steroids I was on during my treatment alleviated it - now that I'm off, it has come back in full force. It is a pain the runs down the back of my right thigh only, and it is excruciating. I need to see what is causing this and have someone address it once and for all. Maybe it's my lower back - I am praying for guidance on this issue right now because I've tried chiropractic, bowenworks, massage, drugs - nothing seems to work.

Love to all and thanks to all who continue to read, pray, think about me and my family. This journey of mine continues, always interesting that is for sure. I am so blessed. Have a safe and wonderful weekend.

God Bless -

Moving Pictures

So, I wasn't going to blog this evening because I have been working on church stuff, Christmas stuff, blah blah blah - and thought I would be too tired. Then, I had an iced coffee, and my world changed. The coffee we don't finish in the morning? I am now addicted (thank you Joe) to having an iced coffee in the evening. It gives me a wonderful buzz to get things done - so I'm awake! Yea! Wide awake right now! Tomorrow will be painful, I'm sure of it.

It occurred to me today just how much things are changing. How much life changes when we are just plugging along, in our own little worlds, we don't realize just how much it is changing right before our very eyes. I know this cancer experience has changed me. I know I'm a different person because of this experience. Believe it or not, I am grateful for this. But as much as this experience changed me, and changed my relationships with others, now that it's no longer at it's crucial point, now that I'm finally headed downhill and loving the ride - my relationships are changing once again with people. Some of my friendships were pretty intense through this, now we're trying to settle into a not so intense friendship, and it's hard. My marriage is learning how to settle into a comfort zone as well, which is hard. My relationships with everyone important to me, are starting to settle into these new places, and it's very interesting to be aware of as it happens, if that makes sense. It almost makes me feel guilty, in a very self-pity kind of way. I'm embarrassed to feel this way, but a small part of me does. It's like, each day that goes by I experience these normal, everyday things that I experienced before, but now, I feel and react completely differently to them than I used to. That makes me take notice of myself, and try to figure out who I am now. Who am I to react this way? Am I'm not me anymore? Cuz I kinda liked me. I'm sure the real me is still there, I just need to learn to meld her into the new, improved, enlightened me, right? The ME that has gained 'perspective'. Easier said than done. There's also a small part of me that just wants to start over - clean slate - wouldn't THAT be easy, eh?

Normal stuff happened today - Madeline to school, singing in the car all the way into town, shopping w/ Ginger, car making funny noises so we had to take it in to the shop and they called us with that horrible $$ figure we never want to hear, especially at Christmas time - but they did. And I just love all of it - even the car shit. Why? Because this is life, it happens, and we all just do it every day - just do it. It's all we've got, ya know? To be honest, the only thing that really drives me crazy lately is Madeline not listening to me - and I have a feeling that is going to continue for years to come, so I better find a way to handle that. Plus, that's kinda her job right now, to drive me crazy, she's 4 - and she's being 4 extremely well. No problems there.

I'm off to the ear/nose/throat doc tomorrow to embarrassingly explain that there's a hole in my nose. I have no idea what could happen here, we'll see. I just want to breathe normally again. I realized today I haven't been able to breathe normally since May - wow - that kinda sucks. Praying for a solution that isn't too painful. Then it's off to my plastic surgeon in the afternoon. Day is full and busy - love it - so painfully aware of the energy I know have to do all these things, and am so blessed.

God Bless -

The Statue of Creepy

So we survived the storm, and our neighborhood was dusted with snow this morning, it was lovely. The wind made our front yard look like Christmas Hurricane, but lovely nonetheless. Madeline's school was closed, so she got to stay home with Ginger and Grandma while PJ and I went to my monthly calcium infusion. I think we were one of the only people on the road this morning, we got there in Sedona in record time. In and out of there by noon, which is unheard of.

At my exam with my oncologist, I told her I had been short of breath more so lately than usual. She ordered a chest xray which they did right there, and all is fine. Guess I really am just out of shape. More on that later.

Then I told her of my continued bouts with my sinuses, it really hasn't changed much since chemo - and the damage done is still an annoying part of my existence. If this can be rectified, I'd really like it to be. I'd rather not go through the rest of my life with my nose running, waking up each morning with the most intense burning sensation and pain, and of course the lovely 'drug addict' wound I have inside my nose - great if I ever want to go as a cannibal for Halloween as I'm sure we could stick a bone through it, but not so comfortable for everyday life, ya know? No - you probably don't. So I have an appt with an ears/nose/throat guy on Thurs, and the infamous PET scan is scheduled for Monday morning. Merry Christmas! She wants to get one more in before the end of the year. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous, and getting accustomed I guess to this being a regular occurrence for me now. Unfortunately they can't do simple blood tests on me (of course not). Most cancer patients can have blood drawn and a test can be done to measure their 'tumor markers'. Tells if there is any new growth of cancerous tumors - my blood doesn't tell people this, for whatever reason. They only way they can know is my a scan - CT or PET/CT. We're doing the PET/CT. This will be my third. Deep breath, and relax.

I'm sure this will just be the cycle of thoughts that will continue to go through my mind. I didn't feel 'sick' before, so it's not like I have this benchmark to go from, ya know? But then I remember that I can handle pretty much anything now. Bring it and I'll handle it. I've got God by my side, and together we can face anything.

I watched Madeline and Ginger cuddle up together on the couch this evening and watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the original) and even though it only lasted like, 2-3 minutes, it was absolutely precious. I am so blessed.

So I saw a picture of me today that PJ took of me and Madeline sleeping and I am not kidding, I looked HUGE! I looked HUGE and I looked like a man. It was frightening. This is not how I am, I need to seriously make some changes. No more brownies and ice cream Dina, JUST SAY NO!

So, I need to share with you all one of the creepiest things I've seen in awhile. When PJ and I would drive to Sedona, we would watch the progress of this church being built on the side of the highway. This GIANT catholic church, where we would joke that they had a 'whole lotta Holy Spirit' in there. Well, obviously we aren't going to Sedona as often, so we haven't seen the progress in a month and we look today they have put up these statues, these HUGE statues that are just, well, creepy? If we pulled over to take photos of this, than it had to be weird because it takes a lot to phase us. So check these out.

God Bless -

And He Huffed, And He Puffed..........

As I'm typing we are experiencing a huge storm, our electricity has gone in and out for the past hour or so, and our neighbors fence just fell down, thus releasing her 2 great danes. Needless to say, I'm going to keep this short, and Snickers in the house till the morning. Hope she went pee already.

I think I had too much weekend (as if that is reason to complain!) as it took me until mid-day it seemed to get my head screwed on straight. I was just tired I think this morning. Let's put it this way, I pull out onto the highway to take Madeline to school and my eyelids felt heavy. What the hell? I was like - I just got into the car! Why am I tired already! And I was dressed completely inappropriately for the weather today - the winter storm pulled in and it went from light rain when I left to full on snow when we went to leave school. Madeline was so funny - she runs out to meet me when I picked her up (one of my favorite parts of my day) and yells, head-turning loud "Mom! It's snowing outside!!!" We went to leave and I just let her and Ginger run around in it for a bit before we got into the car. It was awesome. Madeline immediately ran right out into it and stuck out her tongue. Ginger wasn't quite sure what it was, stood there, let out a big yell, then ran out into it laughing. This is what's important. Not Christmas cards, or 'what am I going to get her' or 'they got me something so I guess I need to get them something' - as much as that USED to seem important to me, and it was - VERY important - ya know what? Christmas is going to come and go and then we'll all be back to what we were all doing before and none of it is going to matter. What DOES matter to me now? I think the season is made to love on those who don't have anyone to love on them, give back, and shower the people in your life that have shown up for you with love and simply enjoy their company. What a blessing to have each other in this life.

At dinner time I've resurrected a tradition that was done at the dinner table when I was growing up. Once we have said grace and are all eating, we all go around the table and tell what the best part of our day was. It is really fun. Madeline said it was school, PJ said it hadn't happened yet as his was going to be going to bed (cue eyeroll pls) and mine was watching my girls play in the snow. I like this because it makes you review your entire day, and reflect on the GOOD things, not the bad. You have to pick the BEST thing, and that is kinda cool.

Off to Sedona tomorrow, let's pray it all goes well. I'll most likely have my scan ordered and maybe booked as well, so we'll see about that. Hmmm. Trying to figure out how I feel about that still. Back and forth.

I'm still struggling with this transition back to 'new normal'. I don't know what I thought - that I would just go back to the way I looked before, that my hair would just suddenly grow right back into place, like those dolls we had growing up with the dial on her back that you would turn to make her hair shorter. Those were always kinda creepy to me, and never the same size as the other dolls, so she was always the outcast. Anyway, I digress. I don't know what I expected, but maybe I just feel like I look old. Like I look like and old mom, and I guess I kinda feel like an old mom, as I'm still struggling with this leg pain (I'm convinced now this is a pinched nerve in my lower back) and although I'm getting around pretty much the way I used to, I still find certain limitations with my surgery that just keep me from moving the way I want to. And - the hair. So short and weird looking - not a 'style' at all - it looks like 'hobo hair' to me. Like I just woke up and walked out the door, but in reality, I FIXED it - if anyone saw it when I actually did wake up, then they could totally see a difference. Frustrating. I suppose this all too shall pass. I just try to not look in the mirror as much. It actually seems to help. Go figure.

Well, need to go as the lights just flashed again. Huge storm tonight, I love it.

God Bless -

Whole Lotta Lord Going On

This weekend was filled w/ church stuff - but it was a blast. Not like it couldn't be, but it surprisingly was. Friday evening we did the 'Walk Thru Bethlehem' and it was really great. Madeline was pretty proud as she had already gone through with her class, so she got to kind of 'lead us' herself, which was so cute. Sat morning we got up and headed to our church to take our places on the float for the Christmas Parade. We had a blast. Madeline was so funny, and Ginger was such a trooper. We got there late so the only costume left for Madeline was this nappy looking lion - she was just thrilled to wear something. Then, once it finally started, Madeline falls asleep on me during the parade, can you believe it? She slept through the whole thing pretty much. Frickin hilarious.

Then today, we got up, went to church then headed out to Prescott National Forest to find and cut down our own Christmas tree. We were all so excited. We had a little picnic lunch and everything. It was really cold, but were able to catch a patch of sun for just long enough to eat our lunch and be on our way. The tree we picked out (ok, I picked out) was a little big - but it actually turned out fine. When PJ cut it down and held it up, I looked at him and said 'Um, oops - it's a little big' and PJ says 'Well, I can't put it back - it's going to have to do'. It is actually up in our house, all decorated and perfect. But I was worried for a little while.

Aside from having a little trouble still getting around (twisting or turning) I feel so great. I'm really needing to address the weight issue now, and PJ and I spoke about this at length this weekend. It 's been really strange, but I've just felt like I've been 'binge' eating lately. I don't usually do this, so this has been very strange for me to experience, but everything tastes so good to me now. I'm sure part of this is because I had lost my taste for pretty much everything for the past months, but I can't use that as an excuse. I think this may be a side effect of my brain just trying to figure out what to do next. I know if I start an exercise regime, everything else just falls into place. It always has - I feel so much better when I have my exercise routine in place. As silly as it sounds, I prayed about this a lot this weekend. I guess I never really thought about the transition BACK to the new normal. I think I may have assumed I would just go back to the way I was, but I have changed significantly - physically AND emotionally - that HAS to play a part in how this all will go down for me.

I have my calcium infusion this week, on tues actually. I think we'll be making an appt for a scan of some sort - CT or PET - not sure. I am anxious about this - because this is the first time I really KNOW I am cancer free - and see if it has come back anywhere else. Again, logically, it wouldn't make any sense at all for this to be true, but that doesn't keep me from being scared. Then I go back to that way of thinking, where I go when I get scared - and that is to God. I remember that He is with me always, no matter what. If it's back, it's back, we'll fight it together. If it's not, Praise God, and may I do what is expected of me with this life that has been given to me, again. I think this will be the thought process for me for the rest of my life. I believe I will need scans every 3 months, I'll find out on Tues.

Off to bed now - thought I'd share some pics from this weekend with you. I am so blessed to have this beautiful family. What a gift. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Where's My 'Ta Da!' ?

First of all, today went great w/ both kids. Ginger is such a big girl now, she can really walk well w/ me holding her hand, so I didn't have to park her on my hip as much as I expected to, thank goodness, cuz I can't really do that for very long periods of time quite yet. It felt really great to start getting back to my normal routine. Which has brought me to this train of thought. Ironically enough, my good friend sent me a link today to someone's post on a website where she was talking about ending chemo. She stated that when she was done fighting her battle (ovarian cancer), in the literal sense, chemo, surgeries, etc - there wasn't any big, climactic event - it just kind of stopped. She didn't quite know what to expect really, but she subconsciously expected something. It's like we are thrown then, right back into reality as everyone else seems to perceive it, and we're supposed to just 'merge right back into traffic'. I am having trouble doing this.

I look at a group of moms while I'm waiting to pick up Madeline from school, and they are showing each other their designer jeans, flipping their hair and laughing loudly. I remember a time where I would have looked at these ladies and felt a bit insecure about myself. Now, I just look at them and feel like "You just don't get it, do you?" And you know what - it's not their fault, this is who they are, and they couldn't possibly begin to understand what it's like to battle cancer because they haven't had to, thank God. But I still can't help but feel this need to just scream at the top of my lungs at times, not just in situations such as this, this is just a recent example that came to mind, but many times throughout my day. I know I'm in the minority and it's so frustrating. As my friend put it this evening, I've achieved 'perspective', cancer has given me 'perspective' - it's just as simple as that.

In this same vain, I no longer have the 'stress out' factor as a part of my personality. At least it hasn't come back yet - maybe time will tell - who knows. But for now, it is non-existent. This too is frustrating. Am I just lazy? Do I just not care? I mean, I care - like take Christmas - this is a perfect example - my husband looks at me this evening while bathing the kids and says "Did you make a list for Christmas gifts? Where are we on that?" to which I replied "no - I haven't" and he says "you do this every year" Hmmmm. I'm thinking, yea, I've been obnoxiously organized every year, and I am still pretty organized, I'm just not obsessing about it, I'll get to it when I get to it. Things are getting done, I'm just not rushing around going crazy like I have in the past. And I'm apparently not keeping lists either. I don't know what this means. I guess I have the time to do it, I mean, I blog and do other stuff after I've tended to the kids and dinner and such - but when I find myself with a few moments to myself, I really just like sitting with my feet up watching a show or something. Relaxing. I feel like I haven't been able to do that for a long time, and it feels so good to just sit, and relax, laugh, have a glass of wine, and be quiet. Is that lazy? Maybe so. I have in my head that everything will get done, yet no gameplan as to how that will happen. I guess I better get on the ball here. Right?

I got to take a nap with Madeline today on the couch. We both snuggled up together, and as I was falling asleep, she leaned over to me and kissed my nose. I opened my eyes, looked at her, and she smiled the biggest smile. She said "I love you Mom" and I said "I love you too sweetheart". Ya know, I think the Christmas cards can wait - this is way more important. Perspective.

God Bless -

Cancer Made Me Curly

I don't know if this is true or not, I was just thinking recently that my hair had only started coming in real curly like, 3-4 years ago. No real reason for it - my hair had always been pin straight. Now, cancer gone, my new hair is coming in pin straight - you do the math.

So today was a great day. My last with only 1 child to cart around, and I have to say, I got real spoiled. Not that I don't love my Ginger - please - I just felt so free to have just Madeline to cart to school, have a couple hours to myself, then pick her up and come home. Trust me, I relished in this knowing what a blessing this was, and now I'm ready to be a mommy of two again, full time. Madeline and I are singing Christmas songs (already I know) in the car together, and she likes to hear them again, and again, and again - they're the songs from the old Christmas specials. I'm can't get sick of them yet, it's only the 2nd of the month - I gotta hang in there. Madeline is so cute though, she is working so hard to memorize the words, it's adorable. Ginger will need to catch up now and work on the harmony. ;-)

Met w. Pastor Mary today as I was feeling my spiritual self changing, and not knowing if that was good or bad. On a completely separate note here for a minute, it's pretty apparent to me that something else cancer has done for me is it has removed what little filter I had when conversing with people. Not in a bad way, I'm not rude or anything, but if I have a question or comment, I ask or make it. In doing this lately, I am reminded of how I used to NOT do this in the past, at the risk of sounding bitchy, hurting someones feeling, being too nosey, etc. Now, I just throw it all out there - no more biting the tongue. Ya know what? It's kinda nice? And you know what else? People can handle it. Who did I think I was deciding what might hurt someones feelings, or find offensive - I can't control how people perceive me - but I can control how I come across and where my heart it - and if those are both in a really honest, good place - then that's all that matters. Does that make sense? I dunno, I thought this realization was kinda cool actually.

Now, back to my meeting - it was really cleansing. I miss my prayer warriors, I miss the devoted time we had to chat about God, about what we were feeling, what was going on. I miss the prayer connection. I really miss it. I do it now, by myself, pretty much throughout the day - but it's not the same. I miss praying with my husband at treatment, and that awesome connection we had there. I miss the fight in a really fucked up way, because the fight brought me, and others close together. But such is life, isn't it - we all seem to come together in times of crises, then drift back into our lives when things calm down again - maybe it's inevitable. I just know that I need to find this connection of prayer with others in some form or another as a part of my life. Yes, there's church - but that's different than what I'm talking about. I'll figure it out though, I always do and Pastor Mary gave me some really awesome suggestions. She also read to me Colossians 3:12-15 and I think I need to read this verse every day as a reminder, a very important reminder of how to be in this world.

Madeline and I stopped at the mall on the way home and had lunch together, it was fun. We had really nice one on one time. I love her so much, it seems so cliche to say. She walked in on me changing my dressings this morning, and I warned her that it was going to be gross, so she could leave if she wanted - but she just walked up and sat down in my vanity chair and watched. She said "I've never seen an owie like THAT before mom!" to which I responded "me either sweetheart, me either". She asked me if it hurt, stuff like that. But didn't freak out or anything. Amazing. I wonder if she will remember any of this. I have mixed feelings on that.

Spent thee afternoon playing with my girls, and I can't tell you how awesome it feels to have Ginger look up at me, hold out her arms, and I'm actually able to pick her up now. She get into my arms and lays her head down on my shoulder, so awesome.

Late night again, so off to bed. MOPS in the am so we need to be 'wheels up' at like, 8 and since I need to retrain myself to handle both girls, I need to get my fat ass out of bed early. Not sleeping great yet, the expanders sit almost under my armpits, so it makes it really hard to lay on my side comfortably - very strange. So I bet I sleep an hour at a time then wake up because of just being uncomfortable, not in pain, just uncomfortable. Can we say pain pills? Tempting, but no - I'm not going there. Been there, done that. The Weather Channel works just as good.

God Bless

So, do I send the 'Oh that's right - she had cancer!' Christmas card?

I have always done photos for our holiday cards. Family photos. What a pickle, eh? Part of me wants to just give pics of the girls, the other part of me wants to brag a little bit that I can put on the face this year - I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished this year. Learning I had cancer, stage IV cancer, then beat it - not alone I know, but beat it nonetheless. I feel like a picture would show my 'war wounds' so to speak. Then, I just look at the pictures of me and just kringe. Ya know, as I typed that just now, that last sentence, I felt an overwhelming feeling of 'you ungrateful wench' - well, sort of like that, maybe not that harsh. I need to turn this around and be happy I'm alive and kickin and strong enough to put my kids in Time Out. Right? What is my problem? I'm done with the 'I feel ugly' pity party, time to get over it and get on with it. Oy Dina, seriously.

Moving on. I felt really good today. Great taking Madeline to school, we sing Frosty and Rudolph all the way into town. Met my friend Judy for coffee (after picking up a pink Christmas tree for my girls room - so cute!) and just feeling wonderful. In fact, there have been many times within the last week or so I completely forget that I had my surgery. It's so crazy. I forget until I bump into something or someone hugs me then I realize I have my forms in my bra, so I can't feel anything - then I remember. It's actually pretty cool. Again, another lesson in what defines us as women - it ain't breast tissue. Who knew?

My mother and I spoke today that I needed to go to bed earlier than I have been. First of all because I am still healing, slowly, but healing literally from the inside out. And, I'll be taking on both girls for the first time on Thurs since my surgery (6 weeks to the day, coincidence?). In theory this makes sense for me to do - however, I have since taken on a holiday project at my church (I'm in charge of the children's Christmas program for Christmas Eve) along with my MOPS leadership duties and cook and clean and be a mom and wife to my family. Thus, the time is now, 11:44pm on Tues night. Well, we can dream can't we?

I love being busy doing stuff like this that I've always wanted to do, but never had, or made, the time. I am just lovin life - how blessed am I? We've got some financial obligations that are stressing me out, but I'm trying to practice what I preach here and give it up to God. Not in a 'he'll handle it, so I'm outta here!' kind of way, more like I am going to continue to carry on with my responsiblities the best of my ability, and trust that all will work itself out in the end. I hate worrying about money, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I know we're not the only family living paycheck to paycheck - it just gets old sometimes, and scary. Sometimes I feel like screaming "just stop! everything just stop for 2 seconds and let me soak this in!" But it doesn't does it? The beat goes on, just like Sonny and Cher said it would. Damn hippies.

Surprisingly, I'm very tired and falling asleep right now, so I'm cutting this short. I'm having a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss some of the spiritual issues I've been struggling with as of late - I'm anxious to see what comes of this.

Madeline told us at the table this evening that 'God lives in your heart Mom'. Completely random and yet relevent thought, eh?

Till tomorrow - God Bless -