Where Have I Been All My Life

If you haven't heard the above song on the new George Strait cd, you must. It is awesome.

So, finally - surgery tomorrow. I thought it would never get here. In retrospect, I'm not sure waiting for this was the best decision. It's been horribly painful, gross and stressful to deal with this through the holiday. I know the alternative would have come with it's own set of stresses, but at least it would have been all done.

I ended up NOT going to church to direct the children's program. Ginger's temp went to 101 that afternoon and I just couldn't leave her. The good news here is, no seizure! We've been managing a fever with her for the last couple days, and thank you Jesus, no seizure. We think maybe she had a mini one when we were at the Polar Express, but we're not sure. So, my good friend Mary Ann took over for me at church, and I stayed home with my infected boobs and my sick girls. They both are doing better (my girls, not my boobs). Not 100%, but better.

I developed some annoying mouth sore on Christmas Eve and it has gotten worse to the point where it hurts to eat. Now this is on my right side, the side where the infection has not drained out yet. It drains on the left side daily, which is so gross I can't even explain. I basically change the dressing and it starts pouring out of this open wound. I lean over the sink and just wait for it to subside. The right side is just all red and black/blue - no open wound on that side so there's no place for it to go. It's swollen and painful to the touch (what I can feel anyway). I don't know where or what this sore is in my mouth - could it be just more infection coming out in different ways? Maybe. I'm just really getting tired of this shit.

I need to stop asking myself 'why is this happening' because I drove myself crazy when I did this with my initial diagnosis. I'm never going to get an answer here, so I need to just keep moving forward. I'm also kinda pissed - how did an infection like this get missed? I see my doc weekly, they've never seen an infection before? It took pus to start pouring out of me to take notice? I even asked, is it supposed to be this red and painful when I get a fill? No one listened to me, and I'm very frustrated. I mean, whether it was caught now or earlier, the solution would have been the same - removing the expanders. I'm just feeling a little concerned about the care I'm getting is all. I don't know shit about this stuff, so I look to them for answers, I look to them as the professionals - what I need to remember, is I am the patient and I have a brain that works logically too. I can't doubt my logic when it comes into play just because I'm not a plastic surgeon, or physician, or oncologist - etc. We all need to speak up for ourselves, no one else is going to. And I don't mean that in a 'you're on your own sucker!' kind of way, I just mean we all need to take some responsibility for our own care, and not just do everything they tell us to do because we think they are the 'expert'. Does that make sense?

So, surgery tomorrow at 3:30. I've got help for my girls tomorrow and Tues, then not real sure what we're doing for Wed. I'm hoping I'm not too bad, but we'll see how I feel.

My friend Jennifer reminded me of something important today. She said that at least I had my PET scan already so I know it's not a cancer thing. I didn't even think about that - yes, I totally would have thought that it was something like that. I need to remember that this is just a bump in the road. I'm recovered, just need to take a quick side step is all. Maybe this all was just too much for my body to try to heal and handle. I was 2 months out from chemo, had mastectomy with reconstruction and had my expanders filled 1/2 way. Maybe my body just couldn't do all the things it was supposed to to heal all of that at the same time. I'm bummed, but I understand. Upward and onward.

Got out my lesbian shirts to wear again for awhile since I can't pull anything over my head for a week. Maybe I'll pick up some Birkenstocks just to confuse even more people at Walgreens. ;-)

God Bless -