Cancer Made Me Curly

I don't know if this is true or not, I was just thinking recently that my hair had only started coming in real curly like, 3-4 years ago. No real reason for it - my hair had always been pin straight. Now, cancer gone, my new hair is coming in pin straight - you do the math.

So today was a great day. My last with only 1 child to cart around, and I have to say, I got real spoiled. Not that I don't love my Ginger - please - I just felt so free to have just Madeline to cart to school, have a couple hours to myself, then pick her up and come home. Trust me, I relished in this knowing what a blessing this was, and now I'm ready to be a mommy of two again, full time. Madeline and I are singing Christmas songs (already I know) in the car together, and she likes to hear them again, and again, and again - they're the songs from the old Christmas specials. I'm can't get sick of them yet, it's only the 2nd of the month - I gotta hang in there. Madeline is so cute though, she is working so hard to memorize the words, it's adorable. Ginger will need to catch up now and work on the harmony. ;-)

Met w. Pastor Mary today as I was feeling my spiritual self changing, and not knowing if that was good or bad. On a completely separate note here for a minute, it's pretty apparent to me that something else cancer has done for me is it has removed what little filter I had when conversing with people. Not in a bad way, I'm not rude or anything, but if I have a question or comment, I ask or make it. In doing this lately, I am reminded of how I used to NOT do this in the past, at the risk of sounding bitchy, hurting someones feeling, being too nosey, etc. Now, I just throw it all out there - no more biting the tongue. Ya know what? It's kinda nice? And you know what else? People can handle it. Who did I think I was deciding what might hurt someones feelings, or find offensive - I can't control how people perceive me - but I can control how I come across and where my heart it - and if those are both in a really honest, good place - then that's all that matters. Does that make sense? I dunno, I thought this realization was kinda cool actually.

Now, back to my meeting - it was really cleansing. I miss my prayer warriors, I miss the devoted time we had to chat about God, about what we were feeling, what was going on. I miss the prayer connection. I really miss it. I do it now, by myself, pretty much throughout the day - but it's not the same. I miss praying with my husband at treatment, and that awesome connection we had there. I miss the fight in a really fucked up way, because the fight brought me, and others close together. But such is life, isn't it - we all seem to come together in times of crises, then drift back into our lives when things calm down again - maybe it's inevitable. I just know that I need to find this connection of prayer with others in some form or another as a part of my life. Yes, there's church - but that's different than what I'm talking about. I'll figure it out though, I always do and Pastor Mary gave me some really awesome suggestions. She also read to me Colossians 3:12-15 and I think I need to read this verse every day as a reminder, a very important reminder of how to be in this world.

Madeline and I stopped at the mall on the way home and had lunch together, it was fun. We had really nice one on one time. I love her so much, it seems so cliche to say. She walked in on me changing my dressings this morning, and I warned her that it was going to be gross, so she could leave if she wanted - but she just walked up and sat down in my vanity chair and watched. She said "I've never seen an owie like THAT before mom!" to which I responded "me either sweetheart, me either". She asked me if it hurt, stuff like that. But didn't freak out or anything. Amazing. I wonder if she will remember any of this. I have mixed feelings on that.

Spent thee afternoon playing with my girls, and I can't tell you how awesome it feels to have Ginger look up at me, hold out her arms, and I'm actually able to pick her up now. She get into my arms and lays her head down on my shoulder, so awesome.

Late night again, so off to bed. MOPS in the am so we need to be 'wheels up' at like, 8 and since I need to retrain myself to handle both girls, I need to get my fat ass out of bed early. Not sleeping great yet, the expanders sit almost under my armpits, so it makes it really hard to lay on my side comfortably - very strange. So I bet I sleep an hour at a time then wake up because of just being uncomfortable, not in pain, just uncomfortable. Can we say pain pills? Tempting, but no - I'm not going there. Been there, done that. The Weather Channel works just as good.

God Bless