Ahhh, to finally bitch about the mundane...

Wow, what a whirlwind of emotion for me this weekend. I swear, once I think this cancer thing has taught me everything, something new seems to pop up.

First of all, I'm going to start another blog and title it "Things NOT to say to a cancer patient - or - Did you really just say that?" It will consist of postings only, by cancer patients or their caregivers only - it will be hilarious. Stay tuned, it's coming this week. Because I could use this entire post tonight on this subject just off this weekends people's comments. Seriously.

What I'm finding is that I get so frustrated with people, that when they happen to come out with a stupid comment, I will play the cancer card when the situation really doesn't call for it. Shame on me. Here's an example. I'm on line forever to buy this very sweet interactive nativity scene called "What Does God Want for Christmas" (so frickin cute - you MUST check it out - thank you Jennifer) anyhoo, the woman behind the counter was older, and it was wicked busy and she was not possessing any sense of urgency, which drives me NUTS in general. So after she had claimed she didn't have it in the store when I walked in so I had to find it myself with Ginger on my hip and Madeline racing through the store, here I stand on line waiting, and waiting, and waiting - with 2 kids in tow. Not fun. So I get up to the register, she doesn't look up and says "Can I help you sir". Ouch. I immediately snapped back with, "Well, first of all - I'm a woman." To which she responded "I guess that will teach me to look up from now on." I ignore her and hand her my purchase. She asks me if I have some sort of 'rewards' card, I say no. She asks me my last name, I say why - she wants to see if I'm in the system. I say that I've never been in this store before and probably won't be again - so no, I'm not in the system. As I'm leaving the owner I guess stops me and says something to the effect of 'If it's any consolation, when I had short hair my husband..." I am so livid at this point I cut her off and said "Listen - I didn't get to decide for my hair to look like this, cancer did - so please, just leave me alone." I just felt like I was about to scream! What is wrong with people? But then I had to take some time to think about this and find out what I was really angry about. I think it was just the really shitty service I was given - and the inappropriate comment just intensified it. So for me to whip out the 'cancer' card, I don't really think was fair. I think it is appropriate to use on people who are just stupid about what comes out of their mouth - like the Walmart lady asking me 'Why did you wack it?' when she saw my long hair on my drivers license pic. People like that need to be reminded to think before they speak - so my comment then of 'Oh, I'm a cancer patient' was appropriate. We can't, or at least I can't, sit idly by and allow people to say and do inappropriate things to me - it's hurtful. But this situation, I think I abused my 'cancer' card privileges - this was about me trying to make them feel bad instead of making a point. So I need to know the difference before I open my big mouth. Also, this shows me I still have moments where I'm really pissed about having to go through this whole thing. I don't think that will ever go away.

I've realized that things people say are very powerful. If I have an interaction with someone, like I did at church this morning, where my friend says 'Dina, you look really good. I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile, you look really great.' That is such a pick me up. This effects me positively just as strongly as the negative things. The negative things are sometimes MORE powerful - why is that? When someone says to me 'how can you afford those?' or 'can I help you sir' or 'are you a man or a woman' it is so powerful and effects me so deeply. We need each other in this life - we need to help each other, lift each other up, care for each other. I think part of this experience for me, is to remind people of this. I volunteered at the mall yesterday sitting at the Angel Tree for the Salvation Army. I loved it. After I was done I went in to Barnes and Noble and picked up a couple things for Christmas and the employee who helped me was an older gentleman. He was having trouble scanning something in and had to call his manager over. I could tell me he was frustrated and he kept apologizing. I assured him this was fine and to take his time, I wasn't in a hurry. His manager, a woman about 15 years younger than him, was so dismissive and nasty to him, I just wanted to smack her. He was deflated when we were done with my transaction. He looked at me and said "This hasn't been one of my days today" to which I responded "Ya know, if we didn't have days like this, we wouldn't know what the really good ones felt like!" He smiled and said, "you're right". Now, I'm not sharing this to state that I'm just the best person in the world. I'm sharing this because we have an effect on each other in this life - not only people we know, but people we don't know. I didn't know this guy, but instead of being all caught up in my own shit, I choose to engage with people. We're supposed to engage with people. Exchange with each other - who knows what kind of positive effect we are having on each other out here - we just need to pay more attention.

I go for my PET scan tomorrow morning and I have to say I'm nervous. I broke down a bit tonight w/ PJ about this. I'm just scared. I go between 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' to 'logically it wouldn't make any sense for anything to show up here' to 'whatever happens happens'. Such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I suppose this will be the norm whenever I go through this. I just looked at myself in the mirror tonight and thought "just let me have a little more hair before anything else happens". PJ is right, I can't think that way, but it's hard not to sometimes.

Lately, as I've been feeling stronger and getting back into my new life, I'm noticing I'm not able to express myself as I used to - it's like the complete thought is in my head, but when I come out to say it, it all comes out fragmented or something. I think this happens most when I'm tired, or when I have too much going on at once - it's strange. People I know, like my family - it doesn't seem to happen there as much - occasionally, but not often. It's really when I'm out and about. So frustrating. I wonder if that will go away.

Well, off to bed with me. My test is at 9:30 - so think of me in the pitch black room around that time. Maybe I'll start singing or something. It is Christmas after all. Who doesn't love a little 'O Tannenbaum' first thing in the morning??

God Bless -