All Bound Up

Woke up this morning feeling pain, which was a bummer. I think that the drugs actually wore off from the surgery finally and my medication wore off at the same time. I really thought I was getting off easy this time, no such luck.

Mom and Britt came up this morning and have been such a help. My girls are really addicted to me as of late, which makes it extra hard to be so incapacitated. It's also hard on those who are helping me, because my kids don't want anyone but me - so they cry and run away from everyone else. I forget sometimes they are going through this too on their own level. It's equally as frustrating, scary, weird and out of their normal routine for them. They are so sweet though. It's funny, at the point I'm feeling most helpless, they need me. Giving me such purpose, and love, and appreciation. This is not by accident. So awesome. Madeline turned to me this evening when we were getting ready to brush her teeth and said to me " Mom, you're the best mom is the whole world." Talk about purpose. I am so very blessed.

I decided to get Ginger dressed after bath tonight and she totally kicked me right in the chest. I can't even tell you how this felt - it was surreal. It was almost like it didn't register in my mind what happened until moments afterwards. Very strange. Needless to say, this was not a smart move on my part - won't be doing that again. I guess I just get stressed sometimes when I can't keep my kids schedule in line. I never should have gotten down there and bathed them, but I did. PJ had ran to the store and it was taking longer than usual, so I just decided to do this myself. My kids are so used to their structure, I freak a little when I don't stick to it, especially when everything else is so, well, unstructured with us right now. This surgery really came out of nowhere. When my dr told me that we needed to have this surgery, I immediately started crying in his office. (which he had no reaction to by the way, story for another time I suppose) And in retrospect, my tears were because I knew this would screw up the routine, the simple stupid routine we take for granted every day that holds us together like glue. And I know, it sounds really stupid, but I feel bad. Like I need to apologize for screwing it all up for everyone. I don't know if that is a woman thing, to take the blame like this, or if it's a Dina thing - but it's a real thing to me. People can say "it's not your fault" and I hear this, but it doesn't take away my feeling of guilt. That is just there and I continue to work though it.

So here's the cool part, I get to spend New Years Eve with my husband, my kids, my mom & my niece. I get to reflect on this year, this year - wow - full of so many things, and I get to be surrounded by my family. How very blessed am I. This year has been a whirlwind. I am not the person I was a year ago. I know years change many people, but this year has changed me into an entirely different person. It took who I was, and lifted me up like 10 notches. In rising up those notches, pieces dropped off, shed away, other pieces were magnified, got brighter, and new pieces emerged. But also, growth occurred. Growth in my relationship with God, my marriage, my friendships, and myself. I have a completely different definition of who Dina is - I thought I knew before, but have such a deeper understanding now. What an awesome experience of self awareness. I wish everyone could get this for themselves, without having to go through what I have. But maybe that is the payoff - such a shitty thing, for this beauty to emerge. Hmmm. Who knows.

Happy New Year to all. I probably won't post again till Sunday evening, so have a safe and happy new year.

God Bless -