Moving Pictures

So, I wasn't going to blog this evening because I have been working on church stuff, Christmas stuff, blah blah blah - and thought I would be too tired. Then, I had an iced coffee, and my world changed. The coffee we don't finish in the morning? I am now addicted (thank you Joe) to having an iced coffee in the evening. It gives me a wonderful buzz to get things done - so I'm awake! Yea! Wide awake right now! Tomorrow will be painful, I'm sure of it.

It occurred to me today just how much things are changing. How much life changes when we are just plugging along, in our own little worlds, we don't realize just how much it is changing right before our very eyes. I know this cancer experience has changed me. I know I'm a different person because of this experience. Believe it or not, I am grateful for this. But as much as this experience changed me, and changed my relationships with others, now that it's no longer at it's crucial point, now that I'm finally headed downhill and loving the ride - my relationships are changing once again with people. Some of my friendships were pretty intense through this, now we're trying to settle into a not so intense friendship, and it's hard. My marriage is learning how to settle into a comfort zone as well, which is hard. My relationships with everyone important to me, are starting to settle into these new places, and it's very interesting to be aware of as it happens, if that makes sense. It almost makes me feel guilty, in a very self-pity kind of way. I'm embarrassed to feel this way, but a small part of me does. It's like, each day that goes by I experience these normal, everyday things that I experienced before, but now, I feel and react completely differently to them than I used to. That makes me take notice of myself, and try to figure out who I am now. Who am I to react this way? Am I'm not me anymore? Cuz I kinda liked me. I'm sure the real me is still there, I just need to learn to meld her into the new, improved, enlightened me, right? The ME that has gained 'perspective'. Easier said than done. There's also a small part of me that just wants to start over - clean slate - wouldn't THAT be easy, eh?

Normal stuff happened today - Madeline to school, singing in the car all the way into town, shopping w/ Ginger, car making funny noises so we had to take it in to the shop and they called us with that horrible $$ figure we never want to hear, especially at Christmas time - but they did. And I just love all of it - even the car shit. Why? Because this is life, it happens, and we all just do it every day - just do it. It's all we've got, ya know? To be honest, the only thing that really drives me crazy lately is Madeline not listening to me - and I have a feeling that is going to continue for years to come, so I better find a way to handle that. Plus, that's kinda her job right now, to drive me crazy, she's 4 - and she's being 4 extremely well. No problems there.

I'm off to the ear/nose/throat doc tomorrow to embarrassingly explain that there's a hole in my nose. I have no idea what could happen here, we'll see. I just want to breathe normally again. I realized today I haven't been able to breathe normally since May - wow - that kinda sucks. Praying for a solution that isn't too painful. Then it's off to my plastic surgeon in the afternoon. Day is full and busy - love it - so painfully aware of the energy I know have to do all these things, and am so blessed.

God Bless -