Where's My 'Ta Da!' ?

First of all, today went great w/ both kids. Ginger is such a big girl now, she can really walk well w/ me holding her hand, so I didn't have to park her on my hip as much as I expected to, thank goodness, cuz I can't really do that for very long periods of time quite yet. It felt really great to start getting back to my normal routine. Which has brought me to this train of thought. Ironically enough, my good friend sent me a link today to someone's post on a website where she was talking about ending chemo. She stated that when she was done fighting her battle (ovarian cancer), in the literal sense, chemo, surgeries, etc - there wasn't any big, climactic event - it just kind of stopped. She didn't quite know what to expect really, but she subconsciously expected something. It's like we are thrown then, right back into reality as everyone else seems to perceive it, and we're supposed to just 'merge right back into traffic'. I am having trouble doing this.

I look at a group of moms while I'm waiting to pick up Madeline from school, and they are showing each other their designer jeans, flipping their hair and laughing loudly. I remember a time where I would have looked at these ladies and felt a bit insecure about myself. Now, I just look at them and feel like "You just don't get it, do you?" And you know what - it's not their fault, this is who they are, and they couldn't possibly begin to understand what it's like to battle cancer because they haven't had to, thank God. But I still can't help but feel this need to just scream at the top of my lungs at times, not just in situations such as this, this is just a recent example that came to mind, but many times throughout my day. I know I'm in the minority and it's so frustrating. As my friend put it this evening, I've achieved 'perspective', cancer has given me 'perspective' - it's just as simple as that.

In this same vain, I no longer have the 'stress out' factor as a part of my personality. At least it hasn't come back yet - maybe time will tell - who knows. But for now, it is non-existent. This too is frustrating. Am I just lazy? Do I just not care? I mean, I care - like take Christmas - this is a perfect example - my husband looks at me this evening while bathing the kids and says "Did you make a list for Christmas gifts? Where are we on that?" to which I replied "no - I haven't" and he says "you do this every year" Hmmmm. I'm thinking, yea, I've been obnoxiously organized every year, and I am still pretty organized, I'm just not obsessing about it, I'll get to it when I get to it. Things are getting done, I'm just not rushing around going crazy like I have in the past. And I'm apparently not keeping lists either. I don't know what this means. I guess I have the time to do it, I mean, I blog and do other stuff after I've tended to the kids and dinner and such - but when I find myself with a few moments to myself, I really just like sitting with my feet up watching a show or something. Relaxing. I feel like I haven't been able to do that for a long time, and it feels so good to just sit, and relax, laugh, have a glass of wine, and be quiet. Is that lazy? Maybe so. I have in my head that everything will get done, yet no gameplan as to how that will happen. I guess I better get on the ball here. Right?

I got to take a nap with Madeline today on the couch. We both snuggled up together, and as I was falling asleep, she leaned over to me and kissed my nose. I opened my eyes, looked at her, and she smiled the biggest smile. She said "I love you Mom" and I said "I love you too sweetheart". Ya know, I think the Christmas cards can wait - this is way more important. Perspective.

God Bless -