Honey! I've sprung a leak!!!

So this has turned into one of the most horrifying and frustrating days yet. Get this, and I'm not making this shit up - believe me:

Up at 5am so we can be on the road by 6:30 as I have a dr appt at 8:30 and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to bring the entire family. We pile my poor sleeping children in the car and Madeline proceeds to cough the entire ride to Phx. In fact, she coughs so much she gags, then yes, vomits all over herself in the back seat. We pull over, clean her up, and off we go again. Not 10 minutes later, we hear it again, only now it's Ginger - she has spit up all over herself. (she is way too young yet for the whole 'don't throw up or I'll throw up' thing right?)

So I decide to drop PJ and the girls at my moms and go to my dr appt on my own. I'm ready to discuss this horrible pain I've been having, and the odd redness on the outer sides of both of my breasts. I get there and the doc walks in - he doesn't know why I'm all red, but puts me on 2 different antibiotics. Then you think it's infected? I ask - No - he says. OK. I'm confused. And no one addresses me being in pain. I am so frustrated I can't even believe it. At this point, I just want to get out of there. He says he wants to see me next week - appt scheduled - out I go. I go to get in my car and someone with this crappy piece of shit Yukon has parked so close to me, I can't get into my car. I tried too - no go. I was now livid. I walked back into the dr office and announced 'who is the one with the black Yukon? I can't get into my car!' Of course no one fessed up - so out I go again, and I realize I'm going to have to crawl across the passenger side to the drivers side. This is normally not a big deal, but try doing this with an open wound healing on my left side and the 'it's not infected but it's red' pain I have been having for over a week now. So painful I can't even explain. I did leave a not though - why do people do this? Do they have no consideration at all for other people? Ever? So, I screamed - I consciously thought about this before I did it - really wanting it to bring me some sort of relief, I really just felt stupid. It didn't really help, and I didn't think my scream was a very good one. Well, at least I tried.

Off then to Scottsdale I go to get some new mastectomy bras - THAT actually was a pretty good visit and I left wearing one. I felt like a new woman.

Flash forward now to us all being back home here in Dewey, my mom and Britt have come up for Christmas and we are preparing for the Polar Express tomorrow, when I realize I needed to run to the store and the pharmacy for my new antibiotics. This would normally take like an hour or so to run into town. Cue snow storm. I don't get home for like, 3 hours. I'm home and I'm exhausted, plus I haven't eaten anything but a donut all day. I sit down for a minute, and feel this wetness under my shirt - like when you've been working out while wearing a sports bra and you sweat between your breast? It was strange - so I go to my bedroom to check it out, and there is this liquid saturating my new bra - (this is gross, warning!). I thought at first my wicked cool silicone inserts had busted or something. No. It was fluid - lots of it - draining out of my open wound. This had gone through the bandage already on there, and was literally pouring out of my chest. It was repulsive, and everywhere. I called PJ in and we both just kinda freaked for a minute - then quickly got my dr on the phone. What they think happened, was there was a pocket of fluid that needed to drain, and perhaps the pressure of the new bra caused it to flow out so rapidly. Let me just tell you this was so frightening. To have this shit coming out of you, not able to control it, and not able to feel it - very strange and surreal.

Since I didn't have a fever, and the stuff coming out wasn't smelly or anything (like pus or infection - sorry, but it is gross) I was OK but my doc wants to see me tomorrow morning. If I'm fine, great, but what is he going to see tomorrow that he didn't see today? He said there wasn't any fluid this morning, then look what happened? I'm just frustrated. I've been feeling like no one has been listening to me when I've described what's wrong with me. I didn't even know what happened today COULD happen - shouldn't there be a pamphlet or something? I know we don't always have the answers - I just want a few is all.

So here goes my husband, yet again, kicking into high gear to handle the kids, dinner, everything. I'm bound to the chair and shouldn't really lift anything.

So tonight I pray for healing. And I pray for all to go well so we can head up to Williams tomorrow afternoon for the Polar Express. Maybe we just weren't meant to go - not sure. Would've appreciated knowing that before I paid for it back in Aug.

Needless to say, this has been an emotional day. I am once again falling asleep whilst I type here, so I need to end on this note.

Ginger kept handing me my devotional yesterday. She handed it to me 3 different times, when I would take it, say thank you and put it on my desk. She'd hand it to me again and I'd say 'thank you' and put it on my desk. She did it a third time and this was rare for her - she rarely hands me a book that she hasn't tried to tear apart first. (love this stage, arg.)

So duh, this finally occurs to me and I go and read the devotional for that day, with PJ. Here's what it said.

My Plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears - through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely; as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My power and My glory.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles - and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory.

I needed to read this again today, many times. That Ginger, she knows what she's doing. Must sleep.

God Bless -