100th Post - I'd like another side effect for 100 Alex!

This is my 100th post - I can't even believe it. I can't believe I have that much hot air to blow, good God. To think that we are in the middle of month #5 with this experience, it is unreal. For those of you who follow me through this blog, I thank you. This blog has been such a wonderful release for me, and such a great outlet for me to share my thoughts - it is very cleansing for me to write. It refreshes me each day. I thank you for your interest, and hope it does some sort of good other than clear my brain for medicated sleep each night.

I realized today, that I never let myself even be happy about potentially being done with this thing in Oct. I didn't even let myself get THAT excited about that last scan, which was totally worth being excited about. It's like I was afraid to let myself be happy about something, because the other proverbial shoe may drop. Well doesn't that just suck? I mean, yes, maybe we will have to go for a couple more cycles, but just deal with that when it comes and be happy now for probably being done in Oct! If it ends up being more, that I'll be fine - I've been fine this far - I mean, amongst the many things I have learned through this process, it's that we as human beings are really adaptable. We don't think we are - but we are. It's amazing what things you just learn to tolerate after having to experience them over a period of time. I'm telling you, if someone were to have informed me I was going to have to go through the side effects I am currently experiencing for a period of 6-12 months, I would have told them no frickin way. Trust me, I'm not bragging about this, I'm simply explaining what we as humans really are capable of when called upon to endure in order to save our lives. Our lives, which we all so take for granted everyday (me included here) just start to include putting up with daily things that we never thought we would have the strength to do. I'd like to list these out here, just for fun - and I'm not going to hold back here, I'll be real honest and graphic about my side effects. I know everyones are different, but these are mine - and I can't believe it's really no big deal. Really.

To start with, I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs since this started, I can't taste anything really, well, the things I really want to taste, the things I like, I can't taste, I eat cough drops on a daily basis to alleviate the continual bad taste in my mouth, I put on deodorant but it doesn't seem to matter as my right armpit continually sweats the most foul smelling sweat, my body doesn't heal fast at all so every morning when I go to have a bowel movement my hemorrhoids (which I got from the constipation chemo causes) bleed and it is excruciatingly painful, I have to take 5 stool softeners a day, my hair is gone but is now replaced with this chemo peach fuzz, my eyebrows are falling out along with my eyelashes, so I have trained myself to sleep on my back to try to preserve the remaining lashes I have, as I covet and count each one every day it seems, I've lost my nose hairs so mucus literally runs out of my nose all day, so you will find Kleenex in every room of my house and vehicles, I get nose bleeds daily, my breasts have absolutely no hormones running through them so they look like two empty wallets, which is actually making surgery look pretty good at this point, I'm in early menopause and have night sweats, day sweats, they come and go at their leisure nowadays, Prilosec is now in my daily pill regime because the heartburn from the pre-meds is so bad, I could fall asleep just about any time during the day if the opportunity arose, I get fever and chills on Friday mornings, and if there is one thing that isn't that bad out of all of this? I haven't had to shave my bikini line this summer!

Now, to see this in writing, this is a shitload of crap to deal with. But to be honest, it's no big deal. Seriously, you deal with something long enough, and it just becomes part of your routine - and it all is manageable, believe it or not. I can do this, it's my life we're talking about - and this experience has certainly made me rethink my body as the vessel which houses my spirit. I must take care of this vessel, and nourish it - but my spirit within in stays nourished and fed in far more important ways. The core that is Dina, feeds the tolerance of much. It's pretty frickin amazing.

I'm off to chemo tomorrow, only the Taxol tomorrow so we'll see how long my stay is this visit. I never know how these treatment experiences are going to go - I think I subconsciously expect something like the last visit, but, it always surprises me - so I'm excited to go tomorrow and see what awaits me. Plus, I'm always excited to go and kill some more cancer cells. Feels productive and I'm ready.

Thank you to my prayer warriors for such an amazing and uplifting prayer today. You feed my spirit the fighting sense it needs - and I am ever grateful.

So - me and my 2 empty wallets are going to have a fruit pop and go to bed. Game On again tomorrow -

God Bless -