It's 110 degrees? Well then Let's Go to Phoenix!!!

It really wasn't that bad, I mean, I grew up in Phoenix. Why do I not remember sweating my ass off in this heat as a child? Was it not that hot in the 1970's?? Did it ever get to 116 in 1975? I can't remember! All I remember about growing up in Phoenix in the summer was swimming alot, riding my Big Wheel around the block, eating Otter Pops, collecting the cicada shells from the trees and putting them in strawberry containers, storing them on the patio, forgetting about them which eventually completely pissed off my mom because bugs would grow in them and invade her patio. I do not remember ever complaining about the heat as a kid. Anyhoo, I digress, we had a great time INSIDE today for my niece's birthday - great family time. My kids didn't get a nap though, at all, so the ride home was a bit, well, vocal.

I had a moment today, at my mom's. We arrived early, and I was informed a friend of my mom's as well as my father in law were also coming to the party. Now, I obviously knew these people, fairly well - but I hadn't seen them since my diagnosis and I felt this rush of anxiety of not knowing how they would handle seeing me - since the last time they saw me I was healthy Dina, not the new improved Chemo Dina. I was anxious about this - it's almost like I got used to my close little nucleus of people surrounding me who all knew, who treated me like normal - and I liked that place. It was safe for me - and others were now entering into this little circle, and I was nervous about it. As it turned out, my mom's friend was awesome - said all the right things (of course she did, she's just that kind of really cool, down to earth kind of person) and she asked me questions!!! I love that!! She wanted to know everything - I didn't know that felt good to me, but it did. My father in law, bless his heart - cried. I expected this, and it was fine. He is a very sweet, dear man - and I love him. He was very sweet. Then he just loved on my girls, and it was awesome.

My friend that visited last evening from high school - very cool visit. He remembered things I totally forgot, so it was a lovely evening of catching up, reminiscing, and reconnecting. It was weird, my cancer came up a couple times in the conversation, and I found myself not really wanting to talk about it. I was just so excited to have this friend from 20 years ago here, I really just wanted to catch up - it's almost like "oh yea, I have stage IV breast cancer and am in treatment, blah blah blah - now what have you been up to!" It was a really great feeling to not be focused on it, and just hang out. Really cool.

My meeting with my new friend on Friday was pretty cool too. She brought a comfort to me that is hard to describe. To hear her speak about her experience, and know we share some of the same feelings, anxieties, laughter - filled my heart. She also directed me to Psalms 34 - a piece of scripture she found comforting when she was at her most insecure moment in the process - a place I ironically find myself right now. I too found this extremely comforting, and know why I was supposed to meet her. She is a wonderful new friend, and a great source of inspiration to me. What a blessing.

I was fighting feeling sick too all weekend, I couldn't tell if it was the neulasta shot or if I was fighting a head/chest cold - I called my dr Sat morning to see if I could take some Sudafed, and yipee! I can! (how cool is it that my dr gave me her cell # - I disturb her by leaving a message on Sat morning and she calls me back 15 min later - she is a Godsend - truly) So I did that Sat along with a nose spray (which did give me a wicked nose bleed, but oh well) Woke up this morning feeling much better - not 100% yet, but better. Watch, I'll feel great come Wed - which in retrospect, is what needs to happen - I gotta feel good by Wed so I'm ready for another dose of mmmmmmm.......chemo. It's funny, I wear my t-shirt that says that, and people don't know what to say - they want to laugh, but are afraid to - it's so funny to wear this shirt out and watch people. Kinda evil maybe, but entertaining. ;-)

Looking back at the last 2 weeks, I think I just hit a certain emotional wall of sorts. I think I didn't feel as good as quickly as I was used to, and I found that frustrating, depressing, and a bit scary. Like I couldn't handle it - or I was getting weak and was going to need to stop treatment - and I can't stop treatment - I need to see this through to the end, whenever that is. I hope it is Oct - Lord I pray it is Oct - but it might be longer - I need to be realistic. Bottom line, I'm doing whatever my Dr tells me I need to do to kill this stuff - I just know how much I need to really take care of myself to get through the second half of this, cuz this chemo shit can kick your ass. And I certainly have enough ass to prove it. I found that I need to listen to that inner voice, which to me, is God, speak to me at night. When I laid down to sleep last night, all alone with my thoughts and fears, his voice said to me to 'be still, and let me heal you'. So I have to learn to be still. I get so geared up in my brain, so anxious - like I have control, and I ultimately don't - something I constantly need reminded of, constantly. We humans are control freaks aren't we?

So this weekend I've put forth for myself to learn to be still, and allow life to happen rather than stress about trying to plan it all the time - I've realized that sometimes, I'm so busy planning life, I'm forgetting to live it - I need to climb on board and ride the wild ride - sweaty ass included.

God Bless - and hope you all had a wonderful weekend.