Excuse me - can the cancer patient swim in your pool?

So - what a wonderful day of being a mom. In fact, every day I spend at home with my girls is such a blessing. Sure we have our challenges throughout the day. Conversations that contain things like "no means what Madeline? - right, no means no" or "Ginger please stop eating the windowsill" or "yes, mommy looks funny with kleenex stuffed up her nose" but all in all, my time with my girls is so frickin fun. I just love it. How blessed I am that I get to take care of them all day - I am always aware of how blessed I am for that.

It's funny, having cancer makes you kinda freak at every little ache and pain. My back hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" My side hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" I guess this is natural, but it's really annoying. I have to make myself remember that I've had aches and pains before, for many years, and then I think - was that the cancer? I just go back to what my dr has told me, and I trust her, and that brings me peace of mind. But it does get scary sometimes, I have to be honest. It makes you question everything - I mean, I have a physical exam at every treatment - that's once a week I'm seeing my doctor who is asking me how I feel and what has changed. That's really hard to do without noticing every little thing that you feel and wondering why you are feeling that way. I mean, since the past couple of weeks have been a bit more challenging than the previous, I find myself wondering if it's a new side effect I'm feeling, or if something new is growing, or if something new is dying inside of me - you can really drive yourself crazy.

This evening after PJ came in from work, I went to the fitness center here and did the elliptical machine for a spell, then some weights, then to the pool for a quick swim. There was just the lady who runs the pool there and a couple of her friends sitting there talking. I changed then came out and told them that obviously I was a cancer patient and would they mind if I took off my scarf to swim - they said of course it was fine, then we lightly chatted about my condition. Let me say, it is really hard to 'sum it up' in a couple of sentences. I can see on people's faces that as soon as I mention my cancer has spread, they kinda write me off in their expression - and I feel like screaming "No! Stage IV breast cancer doesn't mean a death sentence - not anymore!!!" Because to be honest, I probably would have had the same expression! But, I know so much more now - so much more. Information is certainly power, and to think I was probably one of those people who made the assumption that cancer spread meant terminal - makes me feel really naive now. How many other things do I think I know enough about to make such assumptions? Scary to think. In any case, the swim was so refreshing - I can't even describe it. It was lovely to just swim and not care who was there or what I looked like. Me asking them if it was OK was my way of taking away the awkwardness of me simply taking off my scarf. This way, I put it all out there, they now know, and I can go about my business. Right, wrong or indifferent - it's the way I wanted to handle it and it felt right to me. And my swim was awesome!

I've had this pain in my right breast for the past 24 hours - and it's been freaking me out a bit. My breasts have always been very fibroid - which comes with it's own set of common aches and pains - it's like getting a quick, short charlie horse in your breasts if I had to try to describe it. I hadn't felt these through this entire journey, until now. And the pain is at the biopsy site. Now, I have thought that perhaps since that is healing inside, maybe the surrounding cysts are now starting to 'act up' again - I don't know. I just know it scares me now. This pain, that I've been living with all my life - is now scaring me. Mostly because this was the site that had grown a bit from last weeks appt - I guess just want to talk to my dr about it on wed and see what she says.

I've been battling Madeline throughout this post tonight - so far it's been "mom my finger hurts", "mom I need a drink of water" and then "mom my butt hurts". She cracks me up - this is my fault you see - I was horrible at going to bed as a child. Just ask my mom. Paybacks are a bitch I hear. ;-)

I want to share part of a prayer from my devotional today - it's something I am striving towards - I find it so inspirational.

"Lord, I am grateful that You are not looking for perfection, but for trust and dependence. You desire that I do the best I can do each day, supplied by my roots in You. That's enough. That's the key to knowing beauty and strength and feeling completely loved and content. When I gaze upon Your glory, my imperfections become completely irrelevant. Your grace is transforming, I look in the mirror and see healing deeper than the skin, all the way to my heart and spirit. When I walk hand in hand with You, I feel Your love and mercy. You make me strong and mended, to go out into the world as a valuable child of Yours."

You know, I'm almost done with this devotional - it has been such a source of strength to me. Oddly enough I'm on #80 - there are 90 total and I've got 8 treatments left. Ironic.

God Bless -