What Knockers!!

And after a great big sigh of relief, Dina is back. Wow. What a journey the past couple of days. I have to say this for this recent experience - I think sometimes you have to get pretty far away from who you are to figure out who you were, if that makes any sense. Thurs was a very drugged day for me, but much needed on many levels. I had spent the greater part of the past two weeks in a funk, so to speak. A psychological, physical and spiritual funk. I couldn't seem to muster up the strength like I had been accustomed to, and that really put a damper on my whole being. Correction, I allowed that to put a damper on my whole being. Seeing what it felt like to go in that direction at full force, which is what that medication did to me (not everyone, I'm not making a claim about this or any anti-depressant medication, this was simply my experience, and my experience alone) was something I do not wish to visit once again. It was a wake up call, which I was in need of. My fighting sense is back, although it has changed a bit. My body is just more tired now than it was 3 months ago - which makes sense - I'm getting ready for my 11th treatment - most people only do half of this, so of course it is going to feel different. My fight is back, but it is just a bit more, understated now. The "I Have Cancer And I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore!!!!" just doesn't come out quite as loud, but the strength is still very much there. It is more of an inner strength. Just because the skip in my step isn't as frequent as it used to be, doesn't mean the intent to skip isn't there.

Friday night was great - after PJ got home from some man time playing golf, he and Madeline camped out in the backyard in our tent. It was the absolute cutest thing ever - she was SO excited. I packed them a little snack sack, and they ate ding dongs for dessert and went to bed. So cute. Sat we all got up, I fixed breakfast and then we all went swimming at our pool here in the country club. It was so refreshing to swim, I'm going to work really hard to do this at least once week. We took the girls to the pizza place for dinner, got home and just relaxed. I just love these simple, small town little weekend evenings with my family. It is just the best ever. Hanging with my husband, being a mommy, playing with my kids - this is my life, and I am so full. This morning we went to church, which I'll get into in a moment, then my cousins I haven't seen for no lie, 12 years, drove up to visit me. They are here visiting, and they and my mom drove up to spend the afternoon. Much like when my friend from high school visited last week, I didn't want this to be about cancer, I wanted to catch up after not seeing them for so long! It's almost like I conveniently forget - but I do have cancer, and I do need to talk about it. Stupid cancer. Anyhoo, it was lovely.

This mornings message was about the importance we as parents have in our children's lives - studied was Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Now, train is a weird word to use here, but you get the meaning. I've always taken great responsibility in raising my children with certain morals and values. But another layer of this was hitting home with me today in this mornings message. It is essential that my daughters see their mommy fight this thing - fight with all her might - and keep her head held high and looking towards the heavens. Yes, my head may fall, I don't want them to think I'm never going to be scared or upset or frustrated or angry - they have seen all those things too, but it's how I come out on the other end of those emotions that is the real lesson I am teaching them. If I needed anything else as a driving force through this entire experience, this is it. This has lifted me the rest of the way from the fall I have taken the past couple of weeks. My girls, and what I am teaching them about unfair shit that happens in life and how you can conquer and overcome it. They see me cry, they see me frustrated sometimes (a muted version, they're still little) but we have chosen to let our children see us, as parents, be human - but then they see me pray. They see me gain strength, and hope, and laughter, and peace. That, I hope, is what they will remember, and learn to do themselves one day.

In case you were wondering, yes, I wore my stupid mom bathing suit to the pool, and it wasn't THAT bad I guess. When I tried it on for the first time, it was late at night, and that is never the time to try ANYTHING revealing on, unless you keep the lights off, which, if that is the case, you wouldn't probably end up having something like that on for very long in the first place - ANYWAY - it was fine. And it's really the perfect pool for me to go to, there's never anyone there, and the ones that are there seem to all be bald too - so I guess I'll blend in. Right now, blending in sounds pretty damn good.

Thank you to those who brought me meals this week - Amy and Jeannie - thank you for allowing us to continue to eat as a family. Here's to a new week, to a better outlook, and an intended skip in my step. ;-)

God Bless -