Holy Pony!

So treatment went pretty well today. It was busy and although we were early with a 9:15 lab appt, we didn't get out of there until almost 4pm today. Arg. At one point, there were 3 of us in our little 'chemo cubby' getting treatment. Robyn, the head nurse, came over to me and asked me if I would sit with a new patient starting treatment today cuz she thought I could help her. (why? I have no idea, I don't feel like I can even help myself on some days, ya know?) I was a little taken back, and said yes of course (what am I going to say, no?) so over comes this young woman, her husband and her daughter - and there was only one chair left for all of our respective 'chemo buddies' to sit in. So, I was away from PJ through most of my treatment, which was weird. But I really try to just go with the flow at these treatments, and see what I am supposed to experience because it is always different. I never know what I'm going to get. This woman I sat with at the request of Robyn was nice. But - she had a very different take on her breast cancer, which I found hard to listen to at times. I just kept reminding myself that we all have different experiences, and make different choices. She was continuing to smoke, which infuriated me inside, but then I knew how hard it was for me to quit 5 years ago, so I kinda could relate. Again, different choices. Then she said that she and her husband had pretty much decided they were going to do all they could do to get rid of this cancer, and if it worked, great, if it came back, well then they'd just deal with it. It was really a kind of 'whatever' attitude, like she was trying to make light conversation, or entertain me, or impress me - it was very strange. This, of course, is obviously just masking her fear, and is simply a huge wall she has created to 'protect' herself. I really just sat there and did a lot of nodding - really dumbfounded. I just told her that she was where she was because this is where she is supposed to be. That's about all I could come up with, and all she would let me get out really. I've spent most of this evening trying to figure out what this meeting was all about - because to be honest, I don't really want to be paired up with her again, but, well, we'll see how it all shakes out. If God wants me to see her again, I'm sure I will.

Then we met a wonderful couple who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. They were just precious. We sat and chatted with them after denial lady left - and that started a conversation tonight between PJ and I about how we so wish we would have met each other sooner - like we were cheated out of some earlier years in our lives. I mean, we know we wouldn't be who we are or even be together for that matter if we had met earlier, but we know we wanted more children, and if we met earlier, we would have been able to have them - and to just have more time together. 60 years isn't enough!!!!

My exam with my oncologist went well. We spoke alot about my week off and how it seemed to do a number on my spirit, as well as me physically - so then we talked about the possibility of going onto a very low dose of Effexor - and anti-depressant. Now, this would not only assist in my mood, but also help with the night sweats I've been experiencing. You must understand, I have always had VERY strong opinions about anti-depressants - I am not a fan. But, I wonder if they could help me out for now. We talked that this would only be through treatment, and that coming off of them would not be a real issue - it is such a low dose I could literally just stop or we could go every other day - then stop. So I'm thinking I going to give them a try. If I don't like the way I feel, then I will just stop. Simple as that.

Also, we're going to do another CT scan at the end of this cycle to see where we are and then discuss hormonal treatment. We also need to talk about surgery and get that scheduled. I know I'm going to do a mastectomy for sure, because she said if I did a lumpectomy then we are looking at radiation and she wanted to save me from that - which I agree. But I am still leaning towards the double mastectomy - rather than the single. We'll see. The measurement on the scar tissue from the excisional biopsy was a little larger than the last measurement, but she didn't seem concerned - and said I checked out fine everywhere else. Of course, this is praying on my mind this evening. She also said that the hysterectomy would be discussed later, that my ovaries had pretty much shut down from the chemo - which I found myself just sad about. I know, good we're not producing any cancer luvin estrogen, but sad that they are doing what they were designed to do - make babies, which I loved being able to do. So, life is taking that turn in the other direction - and I am very blessed for the children I have - they bring me more joy than I could even have been thought to be deserved by one lone woman in this big world.

My devotional today was once again, ironic. I read it and immediately made PJ read it - and I need to share a portion of it tonight. It is so where my brain is in this journey of mine -


The story of Esther is a moving account of an orphaned Jewish girl whose beauty catches the eye of the Persian King. Since Jews were not highly favored in Persia, Esther keeps her heritage a secret as she becomes the new queen. But when the king's evil chieftain, Haman, vows to destroy her kinsmen, Esther wisely intervenes. She risks her own life by going before the king and identifying herself with a doomed people. She is God's woman in the right place at the right time.

We, too, are God's women in the right place at the right time. We may struggle with God's plan, and we are given a choice to look at cancer as a burden or as an opportunity. We can say "Why me, Lord?" or we can say "Use me, Lord".

Esther could have fretted about the fate of her people. Instead, she knew God had appointed her time as queen to save them. We have a real opportunity to tell others about what He is doing in our lives. God has put us on a stage with a much greater purpose that we can imagine!

Laura Geist


I've been an equity actress for the past 10 years - I know what it's like to be on stage. But this stage is the biggest challenge yet. I don't have a script to hide behind - I have only my own experience. Now that my friend, is powerful shit.

God Bless -