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I have breast cancer and am a snappy dancer

Monday, August 31, 2009

Hold Onto Your Hat........

This is what my dr said when she called me this afternoon. I was talking to Jennifer on the phone when the call came in, I looked at who it was and just went a little numb. I mean, my dr is in Alaska - the fact that she was calling me could be good OR bad. So I spoke with her. Her first words were Hold Onto Your Hat - then - the scan came back with no hot spots. None. This means no active cancer cells. I couldn't believe it - I mean I could, but I couldn't. She said the same thing - "Can you believe it Dina! This is what I was hoping for. Looks like all those prayers worked." That my friend, is the understatement of the year - yes indeed - prayer works.

I am at a loss for words. She also told me she wants to do just one more cycle of chemotherapy and that I need to get in touch with my surgeon. I will stop the Avastin immediately as I need to be off that for six weeks at a minimum before any major surgery - so that means I could schedule my surgery for as early as mid Oct. Can you believe this? That means only 3 more chemo treatments. Just 3 more. I am just beside myself. Part of me doesn't really believe this yet - like I'm going to wake up and it will all be a dream. Praise God. That's all I can say right now, is praise God.

I know this journey is far from over, but this is a HUGE part of it that has come to an important crossroads. I now know I have only one more cycle of chemo, then I can focus on getting better and prepare for my surgery. To know this treatment is coming to a close, has literally brought me to tears on many occasions tonight. I was ready to do this for six months or more if I had to - but I am so glad I don't. I've also had to remind myself many times already tonight to just be thankful, and not fearful of this. That old 'I'm afraid to be happy cuz then something bad might happen' way of thinking, I have realized through this journey I do this a LOT. I'm aware of this now, and really focusing on enjoying this moment. None of us knows what will happen in the future, but for right now, I'm doing the proverbial happy dance - and I don't care who's watching!!

It's Madeline's 4th birthday tomorrow, and her first day of school. I've been busy wrapping presents, finishing laundry and baking cupcakes for her classroom this evening. And loving every minute of it. I'm so blessed to be her mom and watch her grow. I'm feeling pretty blessed about a lot of things tonight. I think I'll sleep better tonight than I have for the past 5 months. If I can get into bed at a decent time, that seems to be a challenge for me lately. Too much to do after the wee ones go to bed.

I can't begin to thank everyone who has followed me through this, who has kept me in their thoughts, who have prayed for me - who have lifted me up when I have stumbled - and although I know there is much more to go, this part was really hard, and I couldn't have done it without God, but I couldn't have done it without you all. I believe God's will plays out through the goodness of people - and people have been very good to me and my family. Words will never be able to express how this out pour of love has made a difference in who I am in this world - and this person I am now is different than who I was before - not better, just different. Although I do think I am a much better mother, wife and child of God due to this experience. And although I haven't figured out exactly what God has planned for me yet, I know it has something to do with this big mouth of mine. We'll see. My journey is not over, in a way, it's beginning on a different path now.

I feel like I'm babbling. Had one of those 'car rides to myself' this evening (forgot to get my kid a backpack for school) and I couldn't seem to contain my thoughts - they were all over in a thousand directions. I need to go and rest my head, busy first day of school stuff tomorrow.

God bless -

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Oh, I always look like that......

So I totally forgot to share a funny story. I run into one of my friends at the MOPS leadership meeting on Thurs, and we're riding the elevator together when I shared with her that I was having a PET scan the next morning, blah blah blah. She looks at me and says "you look like you're about to cry, are you OK?" and the doors to the elevator open and as I exit to run out to my car real quick I say "Oh, I always look like that, my eyelashes are falling out." And off I went.

I found this hilarious - and I feel so bad for just blurting this out as casually as "where did you get your shoes?" to my poor friend who probably just stood there wondering what to say. So Noel if you are reading, my apologies.

Anyhoo - pretty good weekend. I am just so tired, from such a busy vacation and then non-stop since we've been home. Madeline's party on Sat went over really well, when we were in the car on the way home she said "That was the best party ever mom" I knew that it was all worth it. She was just tickled. And Ginger did really great too - bless her little heart. She just wants to do everything her big sister does, and she is just not big enough yet. I want her to stay small as long as possible!

Occasionally, I'll get the opportunity to do the grocery shopping by myself, and at night. This, my friend, is absolute heaven. It is quiet time for me and Walmart is pretty much empty. So Sat night, we bathed the girls, got them fed and into bed and by 9:00 pm I was out the door. I get a lot of thinking done at these times, and here's what I was wondering this trip.

Ya know how when you have something going on in your life, something not fun, a problem, like, well, money issues, or family issues, or parental stresses - normal shit that happens in your life that you stress over. Really stress over sometimes. Then, once you've stressed over it awhile, you get to the point where you realize -
ok - I can handle this, I mean it's a big deal but it's not THAT big of a deal" Maybe you didn't ever have this conversation, but I remember having this thought process occur quite often.

Now, when I try to apply this thinking process to cancer - I don't really have a place to go when I get to the "it's a big deal but it's not THAT big of a deal" because, this IS that big of a deal. It's like, I can't minimize it, like I could other stuff. Or should I? Sometimes I think subconsciously we are all thinking "it's a big deal, but it's not THAT big of a deal - I mean, it's not CANCER or anything" - figuratively speaking, ya know? I guess my point is, I don't want to be all about my cancer, but I can't very well act all nonchalant about it either. I guess I'm learning the delicate balance of how to be both. How to be Dina with cancer, but not make it ALL about that, without ignoring it completely. Arg. That is a mouthful - and a mindful. Pretty deep shit for a car ride to Walmart, eh??? Impressed????

Still no news on the PET scan - I should probably know something tomorrow. I called my oncologist Sat morning, just because I was really having anxiety over this. She left me a message this morning while we were in church cuz she's on vacation in Alaska. She had checked and there were no results in yet but she was going to try to see tomorrow, if she could get reception where she was. I guess someone else will call me with the results?? I'm not really sure how this is going to work. I'm going to just wait and see tomorrow, then if I don't hear anything tomorrow I'll call on Tues. I really hate this waiting game thing. You mind plays funny tricks on you during these times, sends you into some places you aren't used to going. Luckily, my brain doesn't stay there long, if at all anymore. I just fall back on praising God, and it literally takes all my fear away. I'm telling you, this God/Jesus thing, it's the best thing going. ;-)

Trying to connect with my husband more - we both are so busy, it's been too easy to just go our separate ways to get stuff done in the evenings. So I'm going to sign off for this evening. Big week ahead - we have a playdate tomorrow, then Madeline starts school on Tues (her official birthday!) and she is just so excited. She met her teacher on Friday at the open house and we couldn't get her to leave. She even kissed me goodbye when we first got there, like I was dropping her off or something! Isn't that awesome! So we've got a lot going this week. Back to the 'new normal'. Thank God.

Hope to have wicked good news tomorrow - so thank you for your prayers and good thoughts.

God Bless -

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ohhhh, sexy steroid lady - got have some of that!

So I think that everyone getting ready to go on vacation that involves driving for 4 or more hours with a 3 and 1 year old needs to 'try on cancer' for a spell. Seriously, you gain a HUGE sense of not sweating the small stuff when you have cancer, which really made the trip so not a big deal to me - which, I think subconsciously made it not a big deal to my kids to be in the car for 6 1/2 hours. They rocked - and so did I if I must say so myself. With a little help from my friends (thank you Jennifer) I was able to divert attention when needed and it was really a great time had by all.

SPONTANEOUS THOUGHT!!!!
I think I'll do a Top Ten List -

Things I liked about my summer vacation: (by Dina Mountcastle)

10. Keeping my children from running directly into the ocean.

9. Having my husband mention he was able to see my ass in the rear view mirror every time I had to get up to get something for the girls.

8. Having MOM stitched on my Mickey Mouse ears.

7. The look on Ginger's face as her fingers poked right into a fresh garden tomato, when she thought it was a red ball.

6. Madeline telling us she was tired of being patient and wanted her balloon.

5. Ordering a 'mellow glass of red wine' off the menu at a restaurant in Newport Beach.

4. Having Ginger rest her head on my chest as we watched Disney fireworks.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean. (even though they've added these stupid Johnny Depp mannequins)

2. Arguing with PJ that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is NOT scary.

1. Madeline telling me after Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - "I don't ever want to go on that again!"

That was fun - and also outlined the major highlights. Something else that was also fun, was blending into a crowd. Well, as much as I can. It's so interesting, I get the 'oh she has cancer look' then I get the 'oh my god, she has cancer and has children!' look. One thing I did finally get was someone to outwardly laugh at my 'MMMM.......Chemo" shirt. The chick at MAC who helped me read it then like, couldn't help herself - it was the most real reaction I've had from anyone through this whole experience. Like if she could have caught herself, she wouldn't have laughed, but it's like the shirt took her by surprise. Very cool.

I had to give a mini 'testimony' at my MOPS leadership meeting, and it wasn't as hard as I had built it up to be in my head. I know I have much more to tell, this was kinda the summarized version, but although I'm not entirely sure of what I said (part chemo brain, part nerves) I think I expressed myself well. That's what I want to be sure of, that I'm able to explain myself correctly, and that my experience is relayed to the best of my ability. I stress that I can't find the words - and not just about this, in general lately.

Now, does anyone else know about this NetiPot thing? Have you heard of this? It's this little plastic pot, looks like a teapot, and you fill it with warm water, put in this natural powder stuff that is NOT bad for you, then you pour it through your nasal passages and it is supposed to just flush all the gunk out of you - it works!!! I mean, I just started, but haven't needed Tylenol PM since, so there's got to be something to this thing. Aunt Karen told me about this, and my oncologist had actually mentioned it too when I was in last complaining about my sinuses. This is like, the latest craze or something - but it is awesome. And, they're pretty darn cute to boot. Who knows, maybe we will all start asking - 'Hey, do you Neti?' If someone asks you that, at least you'll know what they're talking about. They need to make them in different colors though - cuz I really want a pink one.

I digress - I have my PET scan in the morning. PET scans show active cancer cells. This is the test when they found it had already spread back in April, much to everyone's surprise. Here's how it will go. I can't have anything but water, lots of water, 6 hours before the test. Then I go and sign in, and they inject me with this radioactive/sugar stuff (cancer loves sugar) and put me in a dark room for about 20 min while it settles in (dark room is so I will just relax and sleep - no active brain activity). Then they put me on a slab, covered in blankets cuz it's wicked cold in there, and then I go through this tube for scanning. The scan itself doesn't take long, it's all the prep and getting the injection stuff that takes most of the time. Now, the key to this is, if my dr calls and says she wants to see me, that's bad - if she calls and gives me news over the phone - that is wicked good. So, let's pray for no cancer, and that she doesn't want to see me - no offense to her, because I love her, just don't want to see her about this. k?

I feel good - deep in my heart I feel at peace with whatever this test brings, but the memory of the last one of these I had keeps creeping in. Can't help it, you are your last experience with stuff, right? Well, I'm trying real hard to NOT be that way.

Keep the prayers coming, I'll let you know when I know.

Just read this part in Psalms 139:13 'You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!' I love that.

God Bless.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!

I have had this song running through my head since we left Disneyland on Monday - from the Peter Pan ride. We had a BLAST at Disneyland and it has just been a whirlwind ever since so my apologies for not writing sooner. Disneyland was AWESOME! Madeline was such a trooper too - seriously. We arrived at like, 9:30 am and didn't leave until 5pm. She fell asleep once, on dad's shoulder while we were on line for ice cream, but I got her up once I told her the chocolate ice cream was melting. Funny how it works that way. We rode everything we wanted to and just had a blast. I was sorely reminded though just how many Disney stories I haven't read to her yet - Hello! C'mon mom! Get a clue! So I now need to search for these books and get them into our library - Pronto! Madeline was just the cutest - she got to meet Mickey and Minnie - and she saw Goofy and 'high fived' Tiger - it was priceless. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of the 'line' to see the princesses - and we waited and waited and waited - but it was getting late and she was hungry, so we did not get to see Cinderella - bummer. Maybe next time. (no body dresses up walks around the park anymore, they all have their own 'areas' and you wait on line for photo ops - that's what not going for 10 years will get ya! So we rode rides, had lunch, rode more rides, had ice cream, came home, cleaned up, had dinner, then packed up and went right back for the fireworks which was the most beautiful I've ever seen. I felt like a kid - and being able to hold my own watching them was amazing. It was just the best feeling in the world. (we brought Ginger too to the fireworks) We all wore mouse ears and were tourists and loved every minute of it.

On Wed we went to Newport Beach and tried to keep the girls from running directly into the ocean. It was beautiful there at the beach, and the girls loved the water.

Then we left this morning and arrived back home here around 5pm. Long drive but the girls did just great. Such troopers.

This little 'getaway' was just what I needed, what WE needed. The past 6 months have been, well, probably the toughest of our lives here at the Prescott Mountcastle house - full of tons of different kinds of emotions - and we literally have been living our weeks from Wed to Wed for the past 4 months. It was so wonderful to go and just be a family defined by nothing but each other. I am very blessed that I was feeling good at all the right moments, and yukky when it was OK to feel yukky. More blessed that family opened their beautiful home to us, and just let us be us in front of them. It was so comfortable, loving, warm and welcome. I couldn't have asked for a better getaway. I am so glad to be home, but so glad we were able to do this - and so blessed our family helped it happen. Thank you Uncle Fred, Aunt Karen & Grandma Nellie - you have no idea how much joy you gave us all.

My PET scan is scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30 am. I will post the results as soon as I have them - even if it is on Friday or the weekend. I'm so anxious to see where we are now. Keep the prayers and good vibes comin - they are working.

Tired now - must sleep - MOPS meeting in the am. I read something tonight in a lovely little book sent to me while I was gone by one of my wonderful WOW sisters - it is called 'hugs to Brighten Your Day' - this is what I just turned to this evening:

Every day I am your way, your truth, an your life. You can reach out because I strengthen you in all you do. And as you give, watch Me multiply blessings back to you in overflowing ways.

Generously, Your God of Every Good and Perfect Gift


Is that not the most perfect little spiritual hug? So great.

God Bless - OH - here are some pics from Disney too, had to share. ;-)





Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fighting The Fight!!!

My body is just fighting something off with sheer force, I can feel it. I haven't felt real great since we got here. Well, I've felt more yukky than not yukky if that makes any sense. And it's really been frustrating. I feel like I appear lazy - to everyone. Cuz it's just so hard to explain to anyone - even myself sometimes - how I feel. I just feel yukky. I'm sweaty, then I'm freezing - then my hands and feet are so cold, not even being under a thousand blankets can get them warm. Then I'm sweating again. Arg.

Got to see PJ's cousin and her husband today, and that was great. It was so nice to just chat with everyone and catch up - and have the conversation NOT be about cancer. That was refreshing. I do feel that I'm different now - I can't quite explain how, I'm working on formulating the words - but I can feel the changes that have occurred in me the more I am around people I haven't been around in awhile. It's not bad, but it's almost like I'm at a loss for words, where before, I never had a problem figuring out what to say. Now, part of this very well be the chemo - but lately, I feel like the things I want to say sound good in my head, but when they come out of my mouth, they sound all jumbled and stupid. Maybe I'm trying to hard. I know sometimes I try to fill someone in too much too quickly - have you ever done that? Wanted someone to understand something so badly, but then felt rushed to explain it - so it comes out all stupid and weird. That's how I feel.

We're off to Disneyland tomorrow, and I think we'll be just fine. I'm feeling a bit better tonight - just need to get a good nights sleep is all. I've been praying on that all day, since that is where it's been most challenging. I'm pretty excited to just watch Madeline's face light up. I can't wait to take tons of pictures. Thought I would share a couple here with you that were taken the last couple of days - so sweet. We really are having a lovely time. It feels so good to just be somewhere else for a change. And my girls and my husband have just continued to shower me with love, which makes feeling yukky, well, not so yukky sometimes. ;-)

God Bless -


Ginger with a tomato from Aunt Karen's Garden!!

The Mountcastles at The Rainforest Cafe!!


Dad and Madeline napping.

Friday, August 21, 2009

We've Arrived!!

Well, here we are. We made it to sunny (although overcast right now) CA yesterday just before 7pm. Not bad considering we left around 12:30 and stopped once in Blythe (ok, ew!) to stretch our legs and get something to eat. My girls did just awesome and thank you dear Jennifer, the present thing worked like a charm. And the movies were awesome. Not only is it great to have really smart and caring friends, it's also good to have friends with kids just a little older than your own - assuming they're good parents (and Jennifer and her hubby are AWESOME parents) they give you the best advice on what's coming up developmentally for your own kids. Like having an "in" on the kid market, so to speak. Long story short - it went great, no problems.

This drive to CA was one I haven't taken in let's say, 12 years. We used to drive this every summer to my grandparents when I was a kid, as it was really nostalgic for me to take this drive, and to take it with my husband. The little things you remember as a kid - and how LONG the drive felt as a kid. It's so funny how everything seems so different, and monumental to us as children. For some of us, I guess it still all is. ;-)

We arrived to the beautiful home of PJ's aunt and uncle, who have graciously taken us in for this trip, thank you God. Their home is simply lovely. So warm, inviting and just 'comfy'. We had a lovely dinner outside of barbecued hamburgers, then it started to hit me. I was feeling REALLY awful last night. I had forgotten the Zometa portion of my treatment gives me feverish, flu-like symptoms - and they came on full force. Why did I forget this? How long have I been receiving treatment now? Duh Dina! I think it just took me by surprise because I didn't really get these side effects until Fri mornings normally and this was coming a bit early. Plus to be in new surroundings is always a bit unnerving. But I must say, once I got myself into bed, I prayed like no one's business - talking to God about my fear, to keep me peaceful and to assure me that I was still in a safe place to be sick - that although I wasn't 'home', I was in the next best thing. I woke up early this morning, feeling much better. Tired, but not nearly what I was last night and during the night. So I think I'm on the mend now. PJ has taken the girls all day today while I rest and gather up my strength. I'm blogging now cuz it was a good time to do so - on this trip I'll have to blog when I get time. Cuz 'Ya never know when you gotta jam'. (line from The Breakfast Club - so perfect)

This last 24 hours has made me realize now close I hold the comfort of my own home so dear to my heart. The security and sanctity of your own home and surroundings are really quite comforting. I was a bit in fear of this last night, but really worked through it through prayer. It didn't hurt that I was sleeping in the most comfy bed you could imagine - nothing like a billowy down comforter to give you a little comfort power! I also realized that since this whole cancer thing started, there have been circles of layers of people created. Kinda like the 'circle of trust' in Meet The Fockers, there's this inner circle of people, like my dad and Nancy, Jennifer, my prayer circle friends, these people are the closest because they see me all the time and I am my most comfortable around. Then the second layer is my mom, Britt, Sean and Joe - the people I want to see every day but don't - so there's that moment of 'oh they haven't see me without my eyelashes yet' kind of instant awkwardness, but then quickly gone. Then there's the third layer of people, who are family too but just not used to seeing this different 'Dina' so the moment of awkwardness lasts a bit longer, but then settles into a comfortable scenario - then the last one is the general public, or people I don't really know all that well who just feel awkward and I stand there feeling weird at first then just not caring. That has started to come in full force, and this is something Aunt Karen and I spoke about last night briefly - she mentioned I've been blessed enough through this experience to get to experience the whole 'change of life thing' early on - the feelings of menopause, at least for me, of really connecting to yourself as a woman, and realizing it's more about how YOU feel, as opposed to looking to other people's reactions to know how to feel. I'm learning to tune into how I feel inside as a woman, and gear my feelings from there, rather than get myself all dolled up in the morning (did I really just type that word? 'dolled'?) to present myself to other people and see what they do and don't approve of before I decide what kind of day I'm having, or how I'm going to feel about myself that day. Amazing. What tremendous insight.

So I've been sleeping most of today, but am up now and everyone else is taking their afternoon naps. I think naps are required by everyone who goes on vacation. I love naps, and I love that part of this cancer journey includes naps - cuz they are the best. What mom doesn't want to take a nap all the time! I know, you're jealous. But sorry - you have to have cancer to actually get designated naps whenever you want them, so rethink your jealousy!! ;-)

I haven't read any of my devotionals for the last 24 hours, so I don't have anything to share there - but I did see someone sharing part of the last devotional I talked about on Facebook - and that makes me happy. I think Facebook could use a little devotional time every now and then, don't you?

Bye for now, I'll write again when the moment presents itself. Thank you for your continued prayers and good vibes - and here's to strength for Disneyland come Monday!!

God Bless -

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Chemo Queefs?

I'm not sure why this started happening, but it's been happening during chemo each time this cycle. Weird eh? And hard to hold in I might add. I haven't experienced them since, well, never mind. Oh, and if you don't know what that is, you'll have to ask someone or look it up, I ain't spelling it out for anyone.

Anyway - I've got some catching up to do - as soon as I went to write last nights blog, Madeline cried from her bedroom with a small case of check congestion. So we sat in a steam filled bathroom for about 20 minutes, applied the Vicks Vapor Rub (in a cream now thank God! non of that nasty greasy stuff) and she wouldn't let me leave her side as we snuggled in bed together next to the humidifier.

So - prayer circle was amazing yesterday. I got to let out some steam on how frustrating it is dealing with stupid people when you have cancer, and how hard it is to be Christlike when you have cancer, because you just want to look at some people and say "Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just say that? If you don't know what to say, just shut the hell up please!" But of course I don't say things like that - my FACE may say these things, but I don't vocalize them. It felt good to vent about this, and pray about it. And learn to just focus on getting better, and the people and words that cause these feelings in me is NOT producing good vibes for my healing. So I really just need to push them aside - if I can remember this, then it will be easier to do.

Today I had treatment and it really went like clockwork. We got there and had blood work done, and it came back real good. I was receiving Taxol, Avastin and Zometa today, and we discussed me receiving the Neulasta shot. I asked her if I really needed it then fine, but if we could forgo it, I would really appreciate it. (this is the drug that boosts my white blood cells) She said she was a bit concerned because I was going on a trip, but if my count came back way low on my next treatment date, then we would just wait a week it was no big deal. See, this shot kicked my ass last time, and I have gone a full cycle without this shot, so I know I can do it. I just need to be REALLY careful, especially going to Disneyland Toon Town - germ haven - and be anal retentive about washing my hands, using antibacterial lotion and such. I was also told by my nurse to not eat any salads out at restaurants - because I don't know how well they wash their produce. I did not know this, or even think of this. Hmmmm. Interesting.

We got home and started packing but then had to take off for Madeline's pre-school parent only orientation. It was so great. It felt so good to see all the parents again, and to see the school year. We found out who her teacher was, and who was in her class - it was so wonderful. I remember going to this last year, but I think I made it feel more like a chore - not that I wasn't excited, I was, this year it's just different. Everything feels different. I was so excited to be out as a mommy and get all excited for her upcoming school year. I want to be so involved - and not because I SHOULD but because I want to - I really want to - and that, feels amazing. So, my other mother, Nancy, was basically with my kids ALL DAY LONG - God bless her - she is such a blessing to our family and my children. How lucky are we?

We are leaving tomorrow for California, to stay with PJ's Aunt and Uncle in Santa Ana. We are really just going to lay low - taking Madeline to Disneyland on Monday, then maybe the beach on Tues - then heading home on Wed. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to see Madeline excited. This is just one of the best parts about being a parent that no one can quite describe to you. And I think I prepared for the car drive, with the skillful help of my friend Jennifer of course - who told me to go to the dollar store and pick up random little present, wrap them, then have them ready to hand out to the girls every 75 miles or so. This is brilliant and I can't wait to see if it works. Plus she lent me some movies, two of which Madeline has been bugging me to see for awhile. So, pray this trip goes smoothly. I think we'll be fine.

I'd like to end with an excerpt from a devotional Pastor Mary read from at my prayer circle. It really spoke to me, and made me think of living my life from a completely different point of view. Take a look -

This is from a book called, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It was the daily devotional for Aug. 18th

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.

Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you- the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence.


We hit the road in the am, but I am taking the laptop so I will try to continue blogging. I thank you for your prayers and good vibes. And thank you to Jennie for the very yummy jambalaya dinner - it was outstanding and so much appreciated today.

God Bless -

Monday, August 17, 2009

Look Mom! She's a pirate!!

Now, this is what a little boy, I'd say around 5 or 6 said to his mommy as they passed me and my girls in Walmart today. I laughed and said "You're right! I do look like a pirate don't I?" His mother was beside herself, but we all laughed. See, I've just started wearing bandanas now for the most part. They are the coolest in the warm weather - to me anyway. Not to mention when my lovely hot flashes emerge, these seem to be the best to sweat in, since I have to choose such a thing. But they do make me look, well, like a pirate I guess. At least according to 5-6 year old boys. Maybe I should add an eye patch and a plastic parrot on my shoulder and see what comments I get then. Where does one purchase a plastic parrot? Hmmmm.

I think I've come to the conclusion that at this stage in my treatment (cycle 4) I don't think I am physically bouncing back to 100% like I used to. I mean, it would make sense, because of the amount of treatments, that I just haven't felt 100% since like, cycle 2 I think. If I had to put a percentage on it, I'd say that for the past 3 weeks or so, I've never been better than say, 80%. And ya know - if this is what I have to feel like through the next 2 cycles, then so be it. It's a bummer, cuz I never feel really good at all - but I feel better, then I feel yukky. Specifically, it's like I feel fine, then I feel like I'm getting sick, but I'm not. Then I feel tired, then I feel fine. Then it starts all over again. This goes through about 2-3 cycles of this a day. It's frustrating, because you think you're feeling better, then BAM - you're not. But, I'm going to quit bitching here, because first of all, who wants to hear that shit, and secondly, it doesn't do any good. Certainly doesn't make me feel any better, so let's just grin and bear it and get through it. After this weeks treatment, I only have 6 left - pretty cool eh? Trust me, I'm counting them down.

I am concerned about this third treatment in the cycle, which is usually a doosey, and our trip to CA which we leave on Thurs. I just pray that it won't be as bad as it has been in the past, and I'm still able to enjoy myself. I would hate to be sick the whole time we're there - not to mention on a six hour car ride with 2 children. Yipee!!!!

My girls have been real clingy to me lately, and I have to admit - I love it. To have both of them run to hug me in the morning, to want me to hold them all the time, to each of them wanting me to put them down to bed - it feels so wonderful. They are so awesome. We went shopping today and got some school/vacation stuff - Madeline is wearing a size 10 shoe - what the hell? When did this happen? She got a new pair of tennis shoes today and a Minney Mouse nightgown with matching slippers. She wore it as soon as we got home this afternoon. She is so cute.

Well, I'm going to get some sleep - PJ is being initiated into the Mason's tomorrow night, so I'll get an evening to myself which I'm actually looking forward to - no offense to him. I've been working on my testimony for MOPS and I'll finally have an opportunity to finish it up. It has been very difficult to write and I've written it in a thousand different directions, but I know it will come together and be exactly what it is supposed to be.

God Bless -

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hubba Hubba

So this weekend brought so much 'comfort and joy', not to quote a Christmas Carol, to me I just can't stand it. On Friday night we roasted marshmallows for smores in the backyard. It was awesome. My kids are so damned cute it's obnoxious. Then Sat morning I went to my very first support group for breast cancer. It was pretty cool actually, but it was also a little scary. First off I was the youngest woman there (big surprise) and then, being last to 'introduce myself and tell my story' I quickly realized in listening to everyone else, I was the only stage IV person as well. Now, I usually don't have a problem speaking in front of people about anything really (you're shocked I know) but I was very nervous to introduce myself and explain my cancer to these women. Partly because I guess I so wanted to be one of their stories, and not mine (the stage IV part, I'm still so pissed about that part of this journey) but also because it was a step to really owning this to a roomful of cancer survivors. I just wanted to get through the explanation without crying. I watched some of them shake their heads as I spoke, some look at me with pain, and I just wanted it all to go away. I need to look at these reactions differently because my gut reaction is to see it as pity - and a wise woman recently told me to look at this as love, not pity. I'm obviously still working on that. Overall it was a good decision for me to go - I connected with this awesome lady named Pat - and she and I chatted with just each other for just a moment. She gave me some great advice. She said to find a picture of me as a little girl, and frame it and look at it and say "I'm going to take care of you, and everything is going to be fine." She said we as women are caretakers of children, and we need to comfort ourselves in this manner. I thought this was brilliant. It was good to talk with people who knew my 'cancer language' and they were absolutely lovely, wonderful women. I'll most likely be going back next month.


Sat night PJ and I had a date! Can you believe it? We got a babysitter and everything (we've done this twice now since we moved here) and went out to dinner in town and then for drinks. We had a blast, but I told him that we needed to really try to do this at least once a month because I really wanted to get better at it. I hadn't been out in so long, it didn't feel real comfortable to me - but I figure with everything, practice makes perfect, so we need to practice more. He agreed. In any case, it was so nice to go out with my husband, have a lovely dinner without being interrupted, and then go and watch all the old people in spandex dance like there's no tomorrow.


Today we went to church, and ironically enough, the scripture read in the service this morning is the exact passage Pastor Mary gave me some time ago that PJ and I pray before each of my treatments. I thought this was also ironic because this last treatment, I had changed to a prayer in lieu of this passage, and it just didn't feel right. So here I am in church, and this is the passage that is read and addressed in the message. Ephesians 6;10-20 - the Whole Armor of God. Coincidence? I think not. Pretty powerful stuff, and this gives me such strength, comfort, and sense of purpose in this fight of mine. Message received - loud and clear.



I wanted to share with you some pictures from this weekend, and apologize for not sharing any sooner. I've had an issue with my picture being taken with my bald head, and I realized this weekend I really need to have photos of this time not only for me to reflect on, but for my girls to have as well. So, you finally get to see my 'chemo fuzz'. OH - and the chemo cam is also coming, we haven't forgotten, we're just trying to find the time to edit it - my apologies for the delay in getting this posted - it is coming, I promise.



So here are some pics of us Fri night roasting marshmallows and eating smores. Have a great week everyone, God Bless -









Thursday, August 13, 2009

Is That Your Grandaughter??

Are you frickin kidding me? That is what this woman at the pool asked me as I pushed Ginger around in her little boat in the pool. Here I come, be-bopping into the pool area with my family for a pre-dinner swim thinking this will be great - we'll get refreshed and have dinner then early bed for the kiddos since neither had afternoon naps - and I was already comfortable with taking off my scarf at the pool because I had been there twice before this week and taken it off with no problem. Here I am with all this comfortableness, and this woman says this horrible thing to me - I know I'm an older mom, but do I really look THAT old?!? Maybe bald I do, but still - what a stupid thing to say. Then of course she back peddled and said something like "I thought that's what you said the last time I saw you" I have no idea what she is talking about. But it really pissed me off more than anything. I did say "Granddaughter? Thanks a lot - no this is my daughter!" What shitty way to start my evening, eh? I know, I just need to let it roll off of me, which I can do, but I just want to know what it is about me that made her think that - that is the part that is bugging me. Arg.

Good day today overall - went to the MOPS registration with Madeline (Ginger stayed w/ Dad as she would have gotten on the playground and eaten all the sand for sure) and we had a great time. She played like crazy and I got to see all my MOPS moms again. I'm so excited to be part of this org in a leadership role this year, it's going to be so great. We stopped and bought Snickers (our dog) a couple toys on the way home, and watched the dogs get groomed at PetSmart. Fun.

I felt pretty good today, although I still have this steroid flush in my face the day after treatment that drives me crazy. My dr did tell me I could reduce my dose to 2 pills the night before (see I started at 5 pills the night before then more intravenous at treatment due to my allergic reaction the first time) so hopefully that will help with the flush in my face as well as the weight gain. Obviously, I'll take both of these things over the reaction I got the first treatment, but reducing this will be a nice change - I hope. Ahhhh more side effects. Don't cha just love it?

My port site is a bit irritated today, that is because there was a new nurse that hooked me up yesterday, and she used the wrong size needle. Now, this is actually pretty funny. I don't usually watch them access my port - it's just something that they do, I look away, and it is done - real quick like. But this time, it just felt weird. So I looked down, and the needle is like, hanging out of my skin - I mean, it's in my skin, but it looks like it's falling out. This, I knew was wrong. So when I went in for my exam, I asked Victoria, my doctors nurse, if it looked right, and she said she would go get one of the nurses to look at it. Then my favorite nurse, Fiona comes in - looks at it - says "She used to big of a needle, you should have the 3/4 needle - do you want me to fix it?" I"m like, "yea - please?" Seriously, if poisonous chemo is going to be running through this thing, let's make sure it is secure and in place, right? Don't want the stuff running out of me all over the floor or something, hazmat would need to be called or something I'm sure. So, long story short (too late), I got poked twice and it's bruised today. Plus they taped me twice so there's a lovely red circle around it from where the tape was ripped off both times. What a site I am tonight. How my husband still finds me even remotely attractive I will never know. God Bless him - can you believe he still grabs my ass in the kitchen? What a husband I have. I feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive to have found him.

AND - I forgot to mention yesterday, I got an antibiotic for my sinuses and Wha La!!! I am 100 times better in the nasal area - the best I've been since I started this thing. I can breathe and I feel so much better. The antibiotic I'm on is made with sulfur and the pharmacist said I should take it with cranberry juice - does anyone know why? I'm curious about this.

Well, I need to try to get to bed early tonight - I'm actually feeling pretty good, but who knows what may hit tomorrow. Maybe I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow, but I do get to sleep in just in case, so that is good. I've discovered that popsicles are extremely soothing to me - I had heard this, but never had the taste for one - then just bought some last week and what a difference. As stupid as it sounds, I look forward to my little fruit pop every night now before bedtime. Like I'm 2 or something - or a grandma. ARG! I let this go eventually.

God Bless -

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Was In The Pool!!!!!

Gotta love Seinfeld, eh? Speaking of shrinkage, my appointment today went very well. It was relatively quiet, which was a nice change, and we were able to have a room all to ourselves and got to chit chat with some of the nurses about this and that sporadically throughout my treatment. I always love hearing about them and who they are - besides my nurses. Fiona was there today, and I think she has to be one of my favorites. She's just so cool. Anyhow, my doctor and I spoke today of the upcoming future, and I asked if everything goes as planned, could I possibly look at Dec for my surgery, as, unfortunately, my deductible replenishes at the first of the year, and I'd rather not be subject for another $5k if I don't have to be. She said absolutely, in fact, I could even have it a bit sooner. Now, I don't want to get too excited here, but if this next scan is what I hope it will be, this lesion on my liver will be gone. Which would mean I may be able to stop chemo a bit earlier than expected. We'll see - everything is based on this upcoming scan. Gotta get to prayin!!! Then she said that the scar tissue in my right breast had really shrunk since last week - weird! Last week it had grown a bit, but this week it has shrunk quite a bit. Maybe my boob pain was shrinkage? I was in the pool!!!!!!!!

I've elected to move forward with the double mastectomy - which has mixed data attached to it. I know that in stage IV breast cancer, since the cancer has already spread, some people, in fact most people with an opinion on this subject, don't think surgery is needed. Now, my doctor feels that a mastectomy of the right breast is recommended. However, just the mere thought of going through a mastectomy, then possibly having it show up in the other breast, even if it is years later - sounds like a horrendous experience. I want to cut my losses up front. And, to be honest, this decision is way easier now after going through chemo than it was before I knew I had stage IV. So, when I get the go ahead from my oncologist, I'm going to move forward with the double mastectomy before the end of the year. From what I've heard, the surgery itself is not that bad, but the reconstruction, which I am having done at the same time, is the bitch. They put in 'expanders' to slowly stretch the breast skin out to your desired size, then replace it with an implant. The difference between this surgery and a normal implant surgery, is I've had a mastectomy which removed all my breast tissue, which is what normally holds the implant in place. Since mine will be gone, they have to place the expander under the chest muscle. Yea, Ouch - that's what I said. So, healing is rough with this. But, I can handle it. I'll need some help for a bit, but I can handle it. I think my friend who had this done said it best, she said, "I felt like a turtle flipped over, not able to get up". You don't realize how much you use your chest muscles just to get around all day. At least I know this going in, and hopefully I'll have some pretty good pain pills I'm sure.

It's been a day of lots of discussions of what's coming up in this journey of mine. PJ and I have connected today on a really great level. We looked at our calendars and have started planning what we want to accomplish with ourselves, our house, our family. We kissed each other today more than we have in months - it was lovely. It feels good to have goals - and we are so excited to take Madeline to Disneyland for her birthday. We're going on my off week which is week after next, and we're just so excited. She already colored a picture for Mickey Mouse - how sweet.

Thank you to all of you who read, who pray, who give me inspiration and good thoughts. I love it and read it all - and am so blessed to have such wonderful people to connect with. Need to go take my Tylenol PM for the evening,


God Bless -

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

100th Post - I'd like another side effect for 100 Alex!

This is my 100th post - I can't even believe it. I can't believe I have that much hot air to blow, good God. To think that we are in the middle of month #5 with this experience, it is unreal. For those of you who follow me through this blog, I thank you. This blog has been such a wonderful release for me, and such a great outlet for me to share my thoughts - it is very cleansing for me to write. It refreshes me each day. I thank you for your interest, and hope it does some sort of good other than clear my brain for medicated sleep each night.

I realized today, that I never let myself even be happy about potentially being done with this thing in Oct. I didn't even let myself get THAT excited about that last scan, which was totally worth being excited about. It's like I was afraid to let myself be happy about something, because the other proverbial shoe may drop. Well doesn't that just suck? I mean, yes, maybe we will have to go for a couple more cycles, but just deal with that when it comes and be happy now for probably being done in Oct! If it ends up being more, that I'll be fine - I've been fine this far - I mean, amongst the many things I have learned through this process, it's that we as human beings are really adaptable. We don't think we are - but we are. It's amazing what things you just learn to tolerate after having to experience them over a period of time. I'm telling you, if someone were to have informed me I was going to have to go through the side effects I am currently experiencing for a period of 6-12 months, I would have told them no frickin way. Trust me, I'm not bragging about this, I'm simply explaining what we as humans really are capable of when called upon to endure in order to save our lives. Our lives, which we all so take for granted everyday (me included here) just start to include putting up with daily things that we never thought we would have the strength to do. I'd like to list these out here, just for fun - and I'm not going to hold back here, I'll be real honest and graphic about my side effects. I know everyones are different, but these are mine - and I can't believe it's really no big deal. Really.

To start with, I've gained an extra 10-15 lbs since this started, I can't taste anything really, well, the things I really want to taste, the things I like, I can't taste, I eat cough drops on a daily basis to alleviate the continual bad taste in my mouth, I put on deodorant but it doesn't seem to matter as my right armpit continually sweats the most foul smelling sweat, my body doesn't heal fast at all so every morning when I go to have a bowel movement my hemorrhoids (which I got from the constipation chemo causes) bleed and it is excruciatingly painful, I have to take 5 stool softeners a day, my hair is gone but is now replaced with this chemo peach fuzz, my eyebrows are falling out along with my eyelashes, so I have trained myself to sleep on my back to try to preserve the remaining lashes I have, as I covet and count each one every day it seems, I've lost my nose hairs so mucus literally runs out of my nose all day, so you will find Kleenex in every room of my house and vehicles, I get nose bleeds daily, my breasts have absolutely no hormones running through them so they look like two empty wallets, which is actually making surgery look pretty good at this point, I'm in early menopause and have night sweats, day sweats, they come and go at their leisure nowadays, Prilosec is now in my daily pill regime because the heartburn from the pre-meds is so bad, I could fall asleep just about any time during the day if the opportunity arose, I get fever and chills on Friday mornings, and if there is one thing that isn't that bad out of all of this? I haven't had to shave my bikini line this summer!

Now, to see this in writing, this is a shitload of crap to deal with. But to be honest, it's no big deal. Seriously, you deal with something long enough, and it just becomes part of your routine - and it all is manageable, believe it or not. I can do this, it's my life we're talking about - and this experience has certainly made me rethink my body as the vessel which houses my spirit. I must take care of this vessel, and nourish it - but my spirit within in stays nourished and fed in far more important ways. The core that is Dina, feeds the tolerance of much. It's pretty frickin amazing.

I'm off to chemo tomorrow, only the Taxol tomorrow so we'll see how long my stay is this visit. I never know how these treatment experiences are going to go - I think I subconsciously expect something like the last visit, but, it always surprises me - so I'm excited to go tomorrow and see what awaits me. Plus, I'm always excited to go and kill some more cancer cells. Feels productive and I'm ready.

Thank you to my prayer warriors for such an amazing and uplifting prayer today. You feed my spirit the fighting sense it needs - and I am ever grateful.

So - me and my 2 empty wallets are going to have a fruit pop and go to bed. Game On again tomorrow -

God Bless -

Monday, August 10, 2009

Excuse me - can the cancer patient swim in your pool?

So - what a wonderful day of being a mom. In fact, every day I spend at home with my girls is such a blessing. Sure we have our challenges throughout the day. Conversations that contain things like "no means what Madeline? - right, no means no" or "Ginger please stop eating the windowsill" or "yes, mommy looks funny with kleenex stuffed up her nose" but all in all, my time with my girls is so frickin fun. I just love it. How blessed I am that I get to take care of them all day - I am always aware of how blessed I am for that.

It's funny, having cancer makes you kinda freak at every little ache and pain. My back hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" My side hurts and I think "Is this the cancer?" I guess this is natural, but it's really annoying. I have to make myself remember that I've had aches and pains before, for many years, and then I think - was that the cancer? I just go back to what my dr has told me, and I trust her, and that brings me peace of mind. But it does get scary sometimes, I have to be honest. It makes you question everything - I mean, I have a physical exam at every treatment - that's once a week I'm seeing my doctor who is asking me how I feel and what has changed. That's really hard to do without noticing every little thing that you feel and wondering why you are feeling that way. I mean, since the past couple of weeks have been a bit more challenging than the previous, I find myself wondering if it's a new side effect I'm feeling, or if something new is growing, or if something new is dying inside of me - you can really drive yourself crazy.

This evening after PJ came in from work, I went to the fitness center here and did the elliptical machine for a spell, then some weights, then to the pool for a quick swim. There was just the lady who runs the pool there and a couple of her friends sitting there talking. I changed then came out and told them that obviously I was a cancer patient and would they mind if I took off my scarf to swim - they said of course it was fine, then we lightly chatted about my condition. Let me say, it is really hard to 'sum it up' in a couple of sentences. I can see on people's faces that as soon as I mention my cancer has spread, they kinda write me off in their expression - and I feel like screaming "No! Stage IV breast cancer doesn't mean a death sentence - not anymore!!!" Because to be honest, I probably would have had the same expression! But, I know so much more now - so much more. Information is certainly power, and to think I was probably one of those people who made the assumption that cancer spread meant terminal - makes me feel really naive now. How many other things do I think I know enough about to make such assumptions? Scary to think. In any case, the swim was so refreshing - I can't even describe it. It was lovely to just swim and not care who was there or what I looked like. Me asking them if it was OK was my way of taking away the awkwardness of me simply taking off my scarf. This way, I put it all out there, they now know, and I can go about my business. Right, wrong or indifferent - it's the way I wanted to handle it and it felt right to me. And my swim was awesome!

I've had this pain in my right breast for the past 24 hours - and it's been freaking me out a bit. My breasts have always been very fibroid - which comes with it's own set of common aches and pains - it's like getting a quick, short charlie horse in your breasts if I had to try to describe it. I hadn't felt these through this entire journey, until now. And the pain is at the biopsy site. Now, I have thought that perhaps since that is healing inside, maybe the surrounding cysts are now starting to 'act up' again - I don't know. I just know it scares me now. This pain, that I've been living with all my life - is now scaring me. Mostly because this was the site that had grown a bit from last weeks appt - I guess just want to talk to my dr about it on wed and see what she says.

I've been battling Madeline throughout this post tonight - so far it's been "mom my finger hurts", "mom I need a drink of water" and then "mom my butt hurts". She cracks me up - this is my fault you see - I was horrible at going to bed as a child. Just ask my mom. Paybacks are a bitch I hear. ;-)

I want to share part of a prayer from my devotional today - it's something I am striving towards - I find it so inspirational.

"Lord, I am grateful that You are not looking for perfection, but for trust and dependence. You desire that I do the best I can do each day, supplied by my roots in You. That's enough. That's the key to knowing beauty and strength and feeling completely loved and content. When I gaze upon Your glory, my imperfections become completely irrelevant. Your grace is transforming, I look in the mirror and see healing deeper than the skin, all the way to my heart and spirit. When I walk hand in hand with You, I feel Your love and mercy. You make me strong and mended, to go out into the world as a valuable child of Yours."

You know, I'm almost done with this devotional - it has been such a source of strength to me. Oddly enough I'm on #80 - there are 90 total and I've got 8 treatments left. Ironic.

God Bless -

Sunday, August 9, 2009

What Knockers!!

And after a great big sigh of relief, Dina is back. Wow. What a journey the past couple of days. I have to say this for this recent experience - I think sometimes you have to get pretty far away from who you are to figure out who you were, if that makes any sense. Thurs was a very drugged day for me, but much needed on many levels. I had spent the greater part of the past two weeks in a funk, so to speak. A psychological, physical and spiritual funk. I couldn't seem to muster up the strength like I had been accustomed to, and that really put a damper on my whole being. Correction, I allowed that to put a damper on my whole being. Seeing what it felt like to go in that direction at full force, which is what that medication did to me (not everyone, I'm not making a claim about this or any anti-depressant medication, this was simply my experience, and my experience alone) was something I do not wish to visit once again. It was a wake up call, which I was in need of. My fighting sense is back, although it has changed a bit. My body is just more tired now than it was 3 months ago - which makes sense - I'm getting ready for my 11th treatment - most people only do half of this, so of course it is going to feel different. My fight is back, but it is just a bit more, understated now. The "I Have Cancer And I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore!!!!" just doesn't come out quite as loud, but the strength is still very much there. It is more of an inner strength. Just because the skip in my step isn't as frequent as it used to be, doesn't mean the intent to skip isn't there.

Friday night was great - after PJ got home from some man time playing golf, he and Madeline camped out in the backyard in our tent. It was the absolute cutest thing ever - she was SO excited. I packed them a little snack sack, and they ate ding dongs for dessert and went to bed. So cute. Sat we all got up, I fixed breakfast and then we all went swimming at our pool here in the country club. It was so refreshing to swim, I'm going to work really hard to do this at least once week. We took the girls to the pizza place for dinner, got home and just relaxed. I just love these simple, small town little weekend evenings with my family. It is just the best ever. Hanging with my husband, being a mommy, playing with my kids - this is my life, and I am so full. This morning we went to church, which I'll get into in a moment, then my cousins I haven't seen for no lie, 12 years, drove up to visit me. They are here visiting, and they and my mom drove up to spend the afternoon. Much like when my friend from high school visited last week, I didn't want this to be about cancer, I wanted to catch up after not seeing them for so long! It's almost like I conveniently forget - but I do have cancer, and I do need to talk about it. Stupid cancer. Anyhoo, it was lovely.

This mornings message was about the importance we as parents have in our children's lives - studied was Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Now, train is a weird word to use here, but you get the meaning. I've always taken great responsibility in raising my children with certain morals and values. But another layer of this was hitting home with me today in this mornings message. It is essential that my daughters see their mommy fight this thing - fight with all her might - and keep her head held high and looking towards the heavens. Yes, my head may fall, I don't want them to think I'm never going to be scared or upset or frustrated or angry - they have seen all those things too, but it's how I come out on the other end of those emotions that is the real lesson I am teaching them. If I needed anything else as a driving force through this entire experience, this is it. This has lifted me the rest of the way from the fall I have taken the past couple of weeks. My girls, and what I am teaching them about unfair shit that happens in life and how you can conquer and overcome it. They see me cry, they see me frustrated sometimes (a muted version, they're still little) but we have chosen to let our children see us, as parents, be human - but then they see me pray. They see me gain strength, and hope, and laughter, and peace. That, I hope, is what they will remember, and learn to do themselves one day.

In case you were wondering, yes, I wore my stupid mom bathing suit to the pool, and it wasn't THAT bad I guess. When I tried it on for the first time, it was late at night, and that is never the time to try ANYTHING revealing on, unless you keep the lights off, which, if that is the case, you wouldn't probably end up having something like that on for very long in the first place - ANYWAY - it was fine. And it's really the perfect pool for me to go to, there's never anyone there, and the ones that are there seem to all be bald too - so I guess I'll blend in. Right now, blending in sounds pretty damn good.

Thank you to those who brought me meals this week - Amy and Jeannie - thank you for allowing us to continue to eat as a family. Here's to a new week, to a better outlook, and an intended skip in my step. ;-)

God Bless -

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Moving In Stereo

Boy, is that the understatement for the day. Let's just say my first day on my new 'mood' medication has left me feeling, well, medicated. Not liking this too much at all. I feel today, and especially tonight, very fuzzy - not like chemo brain, that is different. This feels like I'm numb, numb and kinda don't care about much. Like I'm wandering around trying to figure out what to do next. Now, I don't know if this is just day 1 on this stuff, or if it gets better and I get acclimated to it, or if it gets worse - but when my husband says to me "I'm looking at you and I can tell you are not yourself - I can't see you in your eyes." Hmmmm, don't think I'll be taking this tomorrow. Yuk. Plus, I felt like I wasn't really excited about anything today - just going through the motions. I realize this is only day 1 - but it certainly is not very motivating for me to continue. Oh, did I mention this prescription cost $110 for 30 days?? Yea, my insurance covered $36 of it, my portion ended up around $110 - can you believe it? What do people do who really need this stuff to function??? What a crock.

So today, in my drugged state, I was invited to attend the years sermon planning retreat for my church. They wanted my input - how very humbled am I that they would even ask me. Come to think of it now, they were probably wondering why they invited me at all considering my gelatinous expression all day - oy vais. But it was really interesting, and so nice to be around adults for an entire day!! I almost broke into an Elmo song by habit, but quickly bit my tongue. ;-)

I'm not feeling very much myself right now, so I'm going to cut this very short this evening. My apologies, but I need to sleep off this one pill and get back to Dinaland tomorrow. I think I can handle me just fine, on my own, with a little help from my friends, family, and the man upstairs.

Signing off for now, God Bless -

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Holy Pony!

So treatment went pretty well today. It was busy and although we were early with a 9:15 lab appt, we didn't get out of there until almost 4pm today. Arg. At one point, there were 3 of us in our little 'chemo cubby' getting treatment. Robyn, the head nurse, came over to me and asked me if I would sit with a new patient starting treatment today cuz she thought I could help her. (why? I have no idea, I don't feel like I can even help myself on some days, ya know?) I was a little taken back, and said yes of course (what am I going to say, no?) so over comes this young woman, her husband and her daughter - and there was only one chair left for all of our respective 'chemo buddies' to sit in. So, I was away from PJ through most of my treatment, which was weird. But I really try to just go with the flow at these treatments, and see what I am supposed to experience because it is always different. I never know what I'm going to get. This woman I sat with at the request of Robyn was nice. But - she had a very different take on her breast cancer, which I found hard to listen to at times. I just kept reminding myself that we all have different experiences, and make different choices. She was continuing to smoke, which infuriated me inside, but then I knew how hard it was for me to quit 5 years ago, so I kinda could relate. Again, different choices. Then she said that she and her husband had pretty much decided they were going to do all they could do to get rid of this cancer, and if it worked, great, if it came back, well then they'd just deal with it. It was really a kind of 'whatever' attitude, like she was trying to make light conversation, or entertain me, or impress me - it was very strange. This, of course, is obviously just masking her fear, and is simply a huge wall she has created to 'protect' herself. I really just sat there and did a lot of nodding - really dumbfounded. I just told her that she was where she was because this is where she is supposed to be. That's about all I could come up with, and all she would let me get out really. I've spent most of this evening trying to figure out what this meeting was all about - because to be honest, I don't really want to be paired up with her again, but, well, we'll see how it all shakes out. If God wants me to see her again, I'm sure I will.

Then we met a wonderful couple who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. They were just precious. We sat and chatted with them after denial lady left - and that started a conversation tonight between PJ and I about how we so wish we would have met each other sooner - like we were cheated out of some earlier years in our lives. I mean, we know we wouldn't be who we are or even be together for that matter if we had met earlier, but we know we wanted more children, and if we met earlier, we would have been able to have them - and to just have more time together. 60 years isn't enough!!!!

My exam with my oncologist went well. We spoke alot about my week off and how it seemed to do a number on my spirit, as well as me physically - so then we talked about the possibility of going onto a very low dose of Effexor - and anti-depressant. Now, this would not only assist in my mood, but also help with the night sweats I've been experiencing. You must understand, I have always had VERY strong opinions about anti-depressants - I am not a fan. But, I wonder if they could help me out for now. We talked that this would only be through treatment, and that coming off of them would not be a real issue - it is such a low dose I could literally just stop or we could go every other day - then stop. So I'm thinking I going to give them a try. If I don't like the way I feel, then I will just stop. Simple as that.

Also, we're going to do another CT scan at the end of this cycle to see where we are and then discuss hormonal treatment. We also need to talk about surgery and get that scheduled. I know I'm going to do a mastectomy for sure, because she said if I did a lumpectomy then we are looking at radiation and she wanted to save me from that - which I agree. But I am still leaning towards the double mastectomy - rather than the single. We'll see. The measurement on the scar tissue from the excisional biopsy was a little larger than the last measurement, but she didn't seem concerned - and said I checked out fine everywhere else. Of course, this is praying on my mind this evening. She also said that the hysterectomy would be discussed later, that my ovaries had pretty much shut down from the chemo - which I found myself just sad about. I know, good we're not producing any cancer luvin estrogen, but sad that they are doing what they were designed to do - make babies, which I loved being able to do. So, life is taking that turn in the other direction - and I am very blessed for the children I have - they bring me more joy than I could even have been thought to be deserved by one lone woman in this big world.

My devotional today was once again, ironic. I read it and immediately made PJ read it - and I need to share a portion of it tonight. It is so where my brain is in this journey of mine -


The story of Esther is a moving account of an orphaned Jewish girl whose beauty catches the eye of the Persian King. Since Jews were not highly favored in Persia, Esther keeps her heritage a secret as she becomes the new queen. But when the king's evil chieftain, Haman, vows to destroy her kinsmen, Esther wisely intervenes. She risks her own life by going before the king and identifying herself with a doomed people. She is God's woman in the right place at the right time.

We, too, are God's women in the right place at the right time. We may struggle with God's plan, and we are given a choice to look at cancer as a burden or as an opportunity. We can say "Why me, Lord?" or we can say "Use me, Lord".

Esther could have fretted about the fate of her people. Instead, she knew God had appointed her time as queen to save them. We have a real opportunity to tell others about what He is doing in our lives. God has put us on a stage with a much greater purpose that we can imagine!

Laura Geist


I've been an equity actress for the past 10 years - I know what it's like to be on stage. But this stage is the biggest challenge yet. I don't have a script to hide behind - I have only my own experience. Now that my friend, is powerful shit.

God Bless -

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Oh Jeez - I've bought a MOM suit.

Yes, it has begun. I was forced to buy my first one piece bathing suit since I was like, 12 and on the swim team. This moment is a reluctant one, but badly needed. See, I so want to take my girls swimming this summer - and the 2 piece just ain't cuttin it, I mean, at all, if you catch my drift. And I certainly am not the kind to wear a t-shirt and shorts into the pool, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is just not me. So, I bought the proverbial black one piece that is supposed to 'suck it in' in all the right places. I find this advertising ironic, because, even a 1 piece doesn't cover everything, so what ever needs 'sucked in' better be confined to the material of this bathing suit, or you are shit out of luck. I have to be honest, it doesn't look good on me at all - mostly because I have gained weight and have an extremely long torso - so the boobs always seem to end up in the belly region - when I pull it up to cover them properly, it then looks like I'm wearing a thong backwards - not pretty. So, I stretch and pull until I find a happy medium, and just try to stay in the water and find a towel quickly upon exiting. Don't want to frighten the older folks up here in Dewey, not that they are paying attention anyways. Thank God.

Tomorrow is my first treatment of my 4th cycle, and I'm just ready to get this going again. It's funny, you would think that I would look forward to my week off to get a much needed break - but it has only really ended up screwing with my head. So, I am eager to get 'back in the saddle again' as this past week off really did screw with my head. Maybe it is because I didn't feel good at all through my entire week. My prayer circle this afternoon helped immensely. I am continually smitten by those that show up to pray over me. It is remarkable. Pastor Mary read from Psalms 91 today and it was like it was written just for me to hear. My spirit has been tempted by fear as of late, and this was just what the dr ordered. Simply filling. I need to know what version her Bible is, cuz hers always sounds way cooler than mine, and I think mine is pretty cool - so hopefully I can remember to ask her next time I see her.

I didn't write last night only because I was so tired. PJ and I watched this silly horror movie and I literally was so tired, I fell into bed. Stupid movie too - what a waste of time. I should have spent the time writing, so don't watch A Haunting In Connecticut - it's silly.

I have to share with you what happened this evening. When I returned from the prayer circle, PJ was busy working while Madeline watched Noggin and Ginger had just woken up from her afternoon nap. I was, and continue to as of late, experience these 'sweats' that happen periodically throughout the day - pre-menopause symptoms brought on my chemo, Oh Joy. I didn't feel much like cooking, so I suggested we run up to our local mexican food place that is just a 5 minute drive from our house. We don't even have to get on the highway, it's literally right in our development. So we bathe the girls, feed Ginger and head out. I've graduated now to wearing bandannas. As my new friend put it, I think I too will now have 'The Year of the Biker Chick' cuz that is basically what I look like with one of these on. I try to make them look cute, but in the end, they look bikerish. Even in pink. They are just the most comfortable and the coolest in the summer weather. So we go in, say HI to the entire wait staff cuz they know us and are like family to us. So sweet. Now, those of you with children know, when they are this small, you are constantly dealing with one or the other through the entire meal. It is difficult to get a chance for me to look at my husband much less anyone else around me. I say this for a reason to come to light soon. We had a fantastic meal together as a family, Ginger waving to EVERYONE in the restaurant (has to know everyone, just like her PoPo) and Madeline handing princess stickers out to the wait staff. So cute. Ginger ended up getting fussy just a little earlier than expected, so I picked her up and started walking around with her to quiet her down while PJ paid the bill. I was walking around with Ginger for awhile, when I saw PJ talking to our waitress, then one of the owners - obviously I wondered what was wrong. I went over and asked what was up, and PJ said "Someone paid our bill for us!" I said "What? Who?" The owner only told us that it was another one of his regulars like us, good person, and they had left already. He wouldn't tell us anything else. PJ and I just stood there like 2 deer in the headlights - and I just started crying. I looked around, and realized I hadn't paid attention to anyone in the restaurant, really, I was too busy tending to the kids. All we wanted to do was know who it was so we could thank them, which is exactly what this person did not want. What an example of what giving is supposed to be - no need for acknowledgement - which of course, is driving PJ and I crazy - but I understand this gesture and am humbled, and inspired by it all at the same time. What a wonderful example of God's will demonstrated through others. Both of us are still dumbfounded by this gesture, and extremely grateful. If whoever you are happen to be reading this, we thank you. And we thank you for a simple gesture that has once again reminded us how amazing humanity can be - and how inspiring it is to have someone give, and expect nothing, even acknowledgement, in return. It makes me want to go out right now and do this for someone else - which is exactly the point I think. Don't you?

PJ went off to do some late night grocery shopping tonight. It really is the best time to shop - late at night like this, especially at Walmart - because you don't have to deal with all the usual Walmart people, and you don't have the kids with you - so you can take your time and get everything on your list (well, we'll see) ;-)

I'm going to go and read Psalms 91 again, and get my things prepared for tomorrows treatment. I'm getting that 'fight' back in my spirit, I lost it there for awhile. Very frustrating.

Thank you for all your prayers, and good thoughts, and all that. I've got my steroids (pre drug to keep me from having an allergic reaction like the first time) pumping at full force now, so I very well may read the whole frickin book at this point - wouldn't be all bad I guess, can you speed read the Bible and still get it? Can I buy Cliff Notes?

God Bless -

Sunday, August 2, 2009

It's 110 degrees? Well then Let's Go to Phoenix!!!

It really wasn't that bad, I mean, I grew up in Phoenix. Why do I not remember sweating my ass off in this heat as a child? Was it not that hot in the 1970's?? Did it ever get to 116 in 1975? I can't remember! All I remember about growing up in Phoenix in the summer was swimming alot, riding my Big Wheel around the block, eating Otter Pops, collecting the cicada shells from the trees and putting them in strawberry containers, storing them on the patio, forgetting about them which eventually completely pissed off my mom because bugs would grow in them and invade her patio. I do not remember ever complaining about the heat as a kid. Anyhoo, I digress, we had a great time INSIDE today for my niece's birthday - great family time. My kids didn't get a nap though, at all, so the ride home was a bit, well, vocal.

I had a moment today, at my mom's. We arrived early, and I was informed a friend of my mom's as well as my father in law were also coming to the party. Now, I obviously knew these people, fairly well - but I hadn't seen them since my diagnosis and I felt this rush of anxiety of not knowing how they would handle seeing me - since the last time they saw me I was healthy Dina, not the new improved Chemo Dina. I was anxious about this - it's almost like I got used to my close little nucleus of people surrounding me who all knew, who treated me like normal - and I liked that place. It was safe for me - and others were now entering into this little circle, and I was nervous about it. As it turned out, my mom's friend was awesome - said all the right things (of course she did, she's just that kind of really cool, down to earth kind of person) and she asked me questions!!! I love that!! She wanted to know everything - I didn't know that felt good to me, but it did. My father in law, bless his heart - cried. I expected this, and it was fine. He is a very sweet, dear man - and I love him. He was very sweet. Then he just loved on my girls, and it was awesome.

My friend that visited last evening from high school - very cool visit. He remembered things I totally forgot, so it was a lovely evening of catching up, reminiscing, and reconnecting. It was weird, my cancer came up a couple times in the conversation, and I found myself not really wanting to talk about it. I was just so excited to have this friend from 20 years ago here, I really just wanted to catch up - it's almost like "oh yea, I have stage IV breast cancer and am in treatment, blah blah blah - now what have you been up to!" It was a really great feeling to not be focused on it, and just hang out. Really cool.

My meeting with my new friend on Friday was pretty cool too. She brought a comfort to me that is hard to describe. To hear her speak about her experience, and know we share some of the same feelings, anxieties, laughter - filled my heart. She also directed me to Psalms 34 - a piece of scripture she found comforting when she was at her most insecure moment in the process - a place I ironically find myself right now. I too found this extremely comforting, and know why I was supposed to meet her. She is a wonderful new friend, and a great source of inspiration to me. What a blessing.

I was fighting feeling sick too all weekend, I couldn't tell if it was the neulasta shot or if I was fighting a head/chest cold - I called my dr Sat morning to see if I could take some Sudafed, and yipee! I can! (how cool is it that my dr gave me her cell # - I disturb her by leaving a message on Sat morning and she calls me back 15 min later - she is a Godsend - truly) So I did that Sat along with a nose spray (which did give me a wicked nose bleed, but oh well) Woke up this morning feeling much better - not 100% yet, but better. Watch, I'll feel great come Wed - which in retrospect, is what needs to happen - I gotta feel good by Wed so I'm ready for another dose of mmmmmmm.......chemo. It's funny, I wear my t-shirt that says that, and people don't know what to say - they want to laugh, but are afraid to - it's so funny to wear this shirt out and watch people. Kinda evil maybe, but entertaining. ;-)

Looking back at the last 2 weeks, I think I just hit a certain emotional wall of sorts. I think I didn't feel as good as quickly as I was used to, and I found that frustrating, depressing, and a bit scary. Like I couldn't handle it - or I was getting weak and was going to need to stop treatment - and I can't stop treatment - I need to see this through to the end, whenever that is. I hope it is Oct - Lord I pray it is Oct - but it might be longer - I need to be realistic. Bottom line, I'm doing whatever my Dr tells me I need to do to kill this stuff - I just know how much I need to really take care of myself to get through the second half of this, cuz this chemo shit can kick your ass. And I certainly have enough ass to prove it. I found that I need to listen to that inner voice, which to me, is God, speak to me at night. When I laid down to sleep last night, all alone with my thoughts and fears, his voice said to me to 'be still, and let me heal you'. So I have to learn to be still. I get so geared up in my brain, so anxious - like I have control, and I ultimately don't - something I constantly need reminded of, constantly. We humans are control freaks aren't we?

So this weekend I've put forth for myself to learn to be still, and allow life to happen rather than stress about trying to plan it all the time - I've realized that sometimes, I'm so busy planning life, I'm forgetting to live it - I need to climb on board and ride the wild ride - sweaty ass included.

God Bless - and hope you all had a wonderful weekend.