The Insurance Shuffle

Good day today. Felt pretty good, although Ginger has taken to waking up in the middle of the night for the past week or so now, needing a bottle. She suddenly isn't really interested in eating solid food for any meal, just merely munching on stuff - then down all this milk. I'm hoping this is a phase, cuz I was really getting used to sleeping through the night myself, ya know? She's just out of sorts lately, can't figure out what she needs to make her happy, and I find that frustrating as her mommy, cuz I feel like I should know this stuff ALL the time. I do most of the time. So, I was a bit tired when I got up this morning.

Finally got to attend WOW at the Lutheran church, which was really awesome. So great to see everyone and just blend in as part of the crowd. Felt really good.

Ginger stayed home w/ my mom and niece, so I took Madeline to school today and picked her up. Stopped at the pharmacy on the way home to get my flu shot and also to check in and see what the hold up was with my Femara prescription. Seems I needed prior approval. Before I get into that, let me say that I highly recommend you take your little one w/ you to get your flu shot. It was so cute to watch Madeline watch me get a shot - she asked me the best questions "Is it gonna hurt mom?" then "Are you going to cry mom?" Her eyes got real big when he got the shot ready and when he gave it to me she let out this huge gasp, it was awesome. Then she said "Good job mom - you were such a big girl!" Is that not the best? Anyway, cool experience for us both I think. Plus the pharmacist was wicked cool too. I did kinda miss getting my flu shot at Ace Hardware next to the paint section like the last couple years, that was pretty cool too.

Anyway, the prescription. Seems I needed a prior approval from my dr - so I called them and talked with the financial advisor (this man is amazing, he handles insurance company BS all day for the oncology clinic - talk about patience - he was obviously born with patience of his own AND mine). They got the approval for an indefinite amount of time - YIPEE! Then, he called me back and said - oh, well, it was approved and is waiting for you - the insurance company paid $65 and your portion is $371.55. For a 30 day supply. Wha? So we decided to double team them (the insurance company) and see what kind of things we could get done about this. Now, I was in the insurance industry for 20 years, not the health insurance industry exclusively, but I know enough to speak the language and know a bit about the ins and outs of this game called 'health care'. So I call and get this woman on the phone who spoke to me like I was a 2 year old child. It was all I could do to have this retching conversation with her - I even put the phone down while she was lecturing me on comparison shopping for a pharmacy, came back and her mouth had not stopped yapping. Long story short, seems I have a deductible for name brand prescriptions which is $500 a year. Didn't know that. Well, I most likely saw this when I chose this plan 2 years ago, but obviously thought that any prescription I would get should have a generic so why should I worry? Little did I know I'd have breast cancer, it would spread, I would have 15 treatments of chemo, have my ovaries removed, have a mastectomy then I'd need an aromatase inhibitor to take for the next 5-10 years. What was I thinking? So, to look on the bright side (I must or I will scream) at least it's only a $500 deductible then my copay is $25 a month - and we can budget for this once a year. It's not like I can go shopping for a better health plan with better prescription coverage - yea, insurance companies are just chomping at the bit to cover me. So - I'm trying to stay in the 'glass is half full' way of thinking here. At least I have insurance coverage.

My husband and father leave tomorrow for turkey hunting, and I am so thrilled they are going. Not in a 'get out of the house already!' kind of way, because seriously, if I had it my way, my husband and I would be within arms reach of each other 24/7 (I'm kinda sick like that about him) but really thrilled that my husband gets to get away and do something just for him for once. He doesn't do that often, if ever - and this is such a well deserved break for him. He has taken such good care of me for the past 6 months, I'm so excited for him to go out and do his own thing for a couple days. The fact he's spending time w/ my dad is just icing on the cake. I'm so blessed they get along so well and are so close.

Thank you to Karen for bringing me dinner tonight, it was very yummy and the perfect amount and you are such a blessing to me, thank you. My mom and niece are leaving tomorrow afternoon, and I have had just the best time having them here. It has been so comforting, and relaxing, and they have been so helpful, I can't begin to thank them enough for coming up here to help me. I'm so much happier that I let them help me, what an important lesson I've learned. My mom and I had an amazing conversation last night too - which gave me some real insight into her as a person I hadn't had before. She is one incredibly strong, loving and independent woman. Now I know where I learned this from. She is a gift, and I'm so very proud to be her daughter.

Very tired this evening, and have another full day tomorrow so must get to sleep. Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts, and thank you all for reading my words here. Your emails and comments mean more than I could ever express - you inspire me, love on me, and keep me going. Thank you for walking this with me, I wouldn't want to do it without all of you by my side.

How blessed I am.

Let Your Hair Down!!!!

So, for the first time during this whole process, I finally went somewhere (other than out to get the mail) without a scarf on. Yup. I went all chemo hair OUT! It felt really great actually, because I don't really like wearing scarves anyway. I wish I was able to not wear one at all. It's not about confidence, at least not for me - this is a very personal decision because I really think the losing your hair part is the HARDEST part of all. But for me, I didn't want to get the 'looks' or as I experienced today, the 'not looks'. This was interesting to me. I went to prayer circle where I felt MOST comfortable not sporting a scarf (I even put product in my weird chemo hair - I know! Touch Me!) then I had to go to the grocery store then to the dr for a bone scan. Look at me all running errands with my chemo hair! I was prepared for the stares, but much to my surprise, I didn't really get that many. Like, one I think. OH - and the ladies at the front desk at my OB's office were AWESOME as usual - But at the store and in the waiting room - what I got were people doing their best NOT to look at me, isn't that funny? I didn't even expect this - I think I prefer the stares over the purposeful no stares - because at least I felt acknowledged with the stares, ya know? I hope that now, I will make an effort to visually connect with people - in their eyes, and hopefully not notice their hair, or no hair. I felt dismissed, and I don't want anyone I come across to feel that way. Ever. Hmmpf.

Good news, my 'oophers' that were removed were tested and everything came back benign - Hooray! And my bone density test came back 'very healthy' - Hooray! So now we gotta get these pills covered by insurance and we'll be on our way. No word from the pharmacy on this today. Love that waiting game!

I also scheduled my calcium infusion for next month. I still have to get these once a month to keep my bones strong. I asked if there was a pill equivalent, and my oncologist said that they were working on one, but no - not yet. So at least that is just a 30 minute infusion, and I get to see everyone once a month - that is way cool. (especially to get to see my oncologist - who is my angel) PJ and I discussed that I was going to keep my port in for a year after everything was said and done anyway, so it's really no big deal. Who doesn't want to go to Sedona once a month?

I realized today in prayer circle, when I was talking about my experience in the hospital, just how much this experience has changed me. Let me back up a minute, when I initially went in on Friday, I was greeted by my nurse, but I noticed she wasn't wearing what all the other nurses were wearing. Then I realized she was an intern and I felt my temp rise just a bit. Then the nurse who was training her came over, and I realized she wasn't really one of my favorite nurses from previous visits, and I felt my temp rise even more. My frustration level continued to intensify as my poor intern tried to figure out what she was doing. Why on earth would they give this poor girl a cancer patient as her training ground? The lady next to me was having something weird taken off her foot - why couldn't she train on her??? Then she couldn't get my IV started (chemo patients tend to have lousy veins after so many treatments) so then the nurse I don't care for comes over and tries and I thought she literally shoved her whole arm up my vein because the biggest "FUCK ME" came bellowing out of my mouth, scaring the lady with the foot issue next to me for sure. I can handle pain pretty well, so for me to vocalize anything, it was pretty bad. Luckily, she was bright enough to see this as a sign of my discomfort, and decided to pull it out and start again elsewhere. Now, my point in telling this story is my realizing I kicked into 'bitch' mode really quickly when I saw things weren't going my way in the beginning. Something I used to do quite often (and it usually WORKED mind you). What I realized is I hadn't done this, in quite awhile. So it was a little scary to see how second nature these muscles were even after not using them in quite awhile. So at one point they both left me in my little 'pre-op' cube, and I took a deep breath, and said to myself 'Dina - calm down. These people were put here in your experience for a reason, relax, and let this experience happen just the way it is supposed to happen.' And all that blood boiling immediately ceased - gone. I relaxed, trusted God, and let it happen. And it did, without a hitch.

I have a feeling I will be constantly reminded, in ways such as this, that I am no longer the person I was before cancer. Cancer has changed me in so many ways, I can't even begin to explain. And this is about way more than 'flipping out' about a nurse I had - this is about me changing the way I see a situation, and choosing to react differently - that is HUGE! Sometimes when you are the one changing, you don't see yourself as changed until something like this happens. If that makes sense at all. Oh - I don't apologize for my outburst though, cuz it did really hurt, and I think this situation is exactly what dropping the F bomb was designed for in the first place. :-)

I'm feeling physically stronger and stronger each day - still hurts to lift Ginger, so I am so thrilled to have my mom and niece here to help me. They have been such a blessing. Not really tasting anything yet, but this is my first real week off chemo, so we'll see how quickly my taste starts to come back. For the past 3-4 days or so, the inside of my mouth is extremely sensitive. Whenever I drink any kind of soda or something carbonated, or eat salsa (a major food group in our house) the inside of my mouth just burns. PJ said maybe it's because I'm not on any kind of steroid any longer - we'll see. The nose bleeds still come and go, and are uncomfortable, but manageable. That's really it - so I'm just blessed to be feeling so good.

Getting tired, so must go. Have a lovely day tomorrow all -

God Bless -

Relax Already - Jeesh!

So, I have to say I'm feeling much better today. Each day I feel better and better, it's really inspiring. Spoke w/ my oncologist today too and she said I can start my hormone therapy (estrogen buster) right now! Yea! So she called it in, and I started wondering if my insurance is going to cover it. It's a drug called Femara - and I'll need to be on this for the next 5-10 years. Seriously. And it's not like there's a 'generic' or something. My pharmacy called me via automated attendant to inform me that they were contacting my insurance company and would let me know once they had an answer. So, I'm praying on this. I mean, how stupid would it be for my insurance company NOT to cover this. Do they think a re occurrence is more cost effective for them? Each chemo treatment I received was, no lie, between $12-$17 thousand dollars. And I had 15 treatments - so you do the math. How do we pay for the medication we need if we can't afford it, but it could very well kill us if we don't take it? Alright, I'm not going to drive myself crazy with this until I know I have a reason to - and I don't right now. How blessed I am that my pharmacy is calling and fighting this for me - when we picked up the anti-depressants that completely Rainman'ed me, they didn't call to tell me "Oh, by the way, insurance only covered like, $15 of this, $109 please!" So, at least they are calling this time. We'll see. Frustrating.

My mom and niece came up this week to help me out, since I am still having pain when I pick up Ginger, and it's been really nice. Now, you have to know that I, in my previous life and still in my current life to a point but I am working on it, am a control freak. This whole cancer thing has taught me quite a bit about letting that go - and I think I'm really getting better at this. Why? Because it is normally really hard for me to let anyone, even my mother, come into my home and start helping me with things that I normally do myself. But this time, it's just different. I'm really relaxed, and asked my mom up front if she would just be in charge of dinners - and that has helped me so much. My niece has been really great with Ginger, lifting her up for me, putting her into bed, giving her a bottle, etc. I am so enjoying their company and just being together as a family, and resting and healing, it has been really nice. I am bothered a bit as a matter of fact, that I didn't figure this out earlier in my life - how many visits from my mom and others were self sabotaged by my own need to control. But can't look back now, just forward. Looking forward - reminds me of something I read this morning I need to share - this is just amazing.

I get a daily email each morning called Proverbs 31 Ministries, a friend of mine turned me onto this and although they are really long, they are awesome. (with kids, it's really hard to read long emails of any kind, ever - you think, 'I'll come back and read this later!' but you don't, then you forget you even got it - I digress) but these are really good) I'm going to post a portion of this here -

'Jesus had a unique way of clearing up misconceptions by helping people see truth as it was meant to be. For example, in John 9 we find Jesus refuting the traditional explanation of suffering when His disciples point to a man born blind and ask, "Who sinned, this man or his parents?" In other words, they wanted to know Why did he deserve blindness? Jesus answers frankly, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

The disciples looked backwards to find out why the man was blind. Jesus redirects their attention by pointing forward and upward with a new and different perspective.

Usually, our response to challenges or suffering is determined by our perspective. When our focus is inward on ourselves or outward on circumstances, our natural response is fear, insecurity, grumbling and despair. I know. I've been there far too often. Have you?

Yet, Jesus redirects our questions and our focus. In doing so, it causes us to see suffering in a new light that disproves the old tradition. Not all suffering is a direct result of sin. Pain has a higher purpose in our lives. It's not necessarily there because we deserve it. It's to reveal God's glory.

Suffering is meant to refine us. James says it makes us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:4b, ESV). Pain drives us to seek the heart and will of God.

Perhaps you and I have been going at it all wrong. We've been looking backwards in the rear view mirror of life asking, "Why? What did I do to deserve this?" Instead, we should look forward and up asking, "What's the purpose of my pain? What's the end result? What is God trying to do, accomplish, or teach me?"

These types of questions enable us to hold out hope for the future. They remind us our suffering can be transformed or redeemed. Tragedies and hardships like the loss of a spouse, a child, a limb, a job, or a home can be used to display God's work and make us more like Jesus.

Isn't it time you and I looked up? An upward focus brings about a supernatural response that reflects trust and confidence in God, as He brings about His glorious work in each of us.

Dear Lord, give me a new perspective today. Help me see the real meaning of my suffering. Enable me to trust You with the good work You are accomplishing in my life through this pain. I long for You to be glorified in this trial. Give me the strength I need to make that happen. In Jesus' Name, Amen.'

Now, I know that was long, but I really couldn't find a place to cut and paste - it is all so relevant to my journey. I would be lying if I didn't think, especially when I was diagnosed, that I was given this cancer as punishment. Punishment for some bad, really bad choices, I had made in my life - long before my husband and beautiful children. In fact, there was a time I felt very unworthy of my husband and children because of the choices I made in my past. I never thought of looking back and an option - it was a way of life for me. Now, I've learned to look forward. That past still creeps into my thinking from time to time, but I am able to handle it much easier now - and I think that will be something I always have to fight - kinda the 'ex-husband' analogy here - eh? Something that won't ever go away completely, but I can change how I address it each time it comes up for me. In any case, this message spoke to me today - it put words to my feelings on this issue, and I gained great comfort. So had to share.

I was able to go and get my nails done today, thank you God - and I'm sitting there finding myself really wanting to rush this process along so I could get out and go do something else. Do you ever do this? (not necessarily at the nail salon, but in everyday life) Just have your mind so focused on something coming up, you want to get out of the now and get there? I recognized this and said to myself "Dina, just calm down and let yourself just be here, and let your mind go - relax already!!" So I made a conscious effort to do just that, and ya know what? I came up with some really great insight on something. This whole 'ovaries gone thing' is really not such a bad thing after all. I need to continue to learn to change my perspective on this whole cancer thing and each part of this journey - to look at each piece as a possibility to a BETTER life, not just a different life. Who's to say I won't feel 110% better when all of this is said and done? Who's to say this oopherectomy wasn't the best thing I could have had done? My husband and I can have sex whenever we want to now and not worry about ANYTHING, which is wicked cool. I only have how I 'felt' before to compare this to, I know, but what if I'm going to feel better? Now, considering I didn't think I felt sick before, how cool would that be? I guess I'm saying this because I do feel so much better today, and continue feel good. It's just a really awesome possibility. I hope I'm explaining this correctly. Not sure how this is coming across.

I'm hopeful, and looking toward the future with even more hope. But more importantly, listening to the now, because if I keep looking to the future, I'm gonna miss it. As Pastor Nancy put it, this is my season for receiving - and I am certainly receiving many insights and messages. So frickin cool.

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes - they were all heard apparently. Thank you.

God Bless -

Drum Roll Please.......

We have laproscopic!!! Yea! I have the best dr. in the world - he was able to get my ovaries out without cutting me open. I'm doing fine, just real sore today so I'm laying low. Oh, and it seems I've been using the wrong terminology - so here's what I found out about the procedure that I just received - here's what wikipedia says:

"Oophorectomy (or ovariectomy) is the surgical removal of an ovary or ovaries. In the case of non-human animals, it is also called spaying and is a form of sterilization."

So - it seems I've had my 'oophers' removed - or in simpler terms, I've been spayed. No wonder my dog Snickers hasn't left my side since I've been home. We now have something special in common.

Thank you for your prayers. They, again, have worked. I'll post more on Sunday, just wanted to share the good news.

God Bless -

Moon River!!!! (line in Fletch from Chevy Chase)

OK - so I'll start off by saying I did the enema thing, and I guess it wasn't THAT big of a deal. However, this is not something I want to repeat at any time in the future if I can avoid it. And, I don't recommend this either. Yuk.

Now, here it is, very late (I wanted to wait until the last possible minute to do this enema thing) and I think I'm in a pretty good head space. I was kinda mourning the loss of my ovaries, but now, am ready for the new cycle in my life. I think losing them makes me feel old - and I wasn't quite ready to feel like that. I mean, I know I'm 40 - but I seriously don't feel 40. I really feel, like, 30 ish. I suppose I always paired losing your girl parts with older women. And I just don't feel like I'm that old woman yet. I realize however, that for me to have the opportunity to even be an old woman, I need these puppies out of me. So - I'm ready to say 'So Long' to the ovaries.

And I came to the realization today when I found myself stressing about whether this was going to be laproscopic or not - that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I trust God to be with me and see me through it. No matter what it is. I'm ready for it, whatever it is, and I can handle it. I trust in Him completely, so why stress over something I can't control? I just need to approach this as I've approached everything else on this journey, with strength, grace and His hand in mine, and I will be just fine.

I had a massage this evening, which was lovely. Most relaxing and needed. It really calmed me down and gave me such peace.

I need to get some sleep - early morning and big day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. Thank you to all who have emailed me personally - your words of comfort and prayers are so appreciated. Thank you.

I usually don't blog on the weekends, but I'll try to post tomorrow night and give an update. I've learned I just can't try to predict the path of this cancer journey - but as soon as I trust, the walk is that much easier.

God Bless -

All The Single Ladies!

OK - Can't get this song out of my head this evening. If you don't watch "Glee" you are really missing it - this show is hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in quite sometime. So needed the laugh this evening, felt good.

Went and got all my pre-op blood work and urine test and ekg done this morning. It is so funny, even though I've been here for just over 2 years now - I always expect things like this to take forever from my NYC days. Where you would show up for something and have to wait on line forever with all these people in front of you - not so here in the sticks. And everyone here is wicked nice, especially at this hospital. I remember when I had Ginger at this hospital, I was speaking with one of my fabulous nurses about how wonderfully nice everyone was and she explained it this way "hey - this is a small town - the odds of me running into you at the grocery store are really high - so it matters". She was right, I did run into her at the grocery about a week after I got out of the hospital. I'm really lovin the 'small town' stuff. In so many ways.

Feeling pretty good today - took Madeline for a haircut after school and she looks simply adorable. School pictures are tomorrow and her hair was starting to look kinda ratty, so this was a necessity. I'll post some pics when I get them, so cute. When we finally got home I played with Ginger then I think I just hit a brick wall I got so tired. So I tried to nap, but finding that hard too lately. Can't shut my mind off.

I just want Fri to get here so we can get on with this. It's like I wish I could push a fast forward button and everything would move forward. I hate it when I get like this, just want to hurry up so I can be done with it - when, in actuality, I should be savoring every moment.

Unfortunately the Advil PM is kickin in here, so I must depart for the evening - but found another line I wanted to share this evening from my devotional that struck me as particularly on point for me -

'Look into My face and feel the warmth of My Love-Light shining upon you. It is this unconditional love that frees you from both fears and sins.'

God Bless -

Dying for an Enema

Today was a really good day actually. After dropping my Madeline at school, a girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee and let our little ones play a bit so we could chat. This was exactly what I needed. It was nice to hang and let out some of my anxieties to a friend. It really helped a lot. My energy was pretty good today, except this runny nose/nose bleed thing is just really old now. Seriously - I want my nose hairs back!!! I literally have Kleenex boxes in just about every place I could possibly plant myself at any given moment - because my nose either runs or bleeds all the time. I thought chemo was supposed to 'dry you out' - that is NOT the case with me, of course. This too shall pass, I know, just not soon enough for me right now. Oy vais.

One thing I forgot to talk about a couple posts ago, was something one of my doctors had mentioned to me. Did you know patients,at least ones with terminal illnesses like me, have what's called a YLL assigned to them? YLL stand for Years of Life Lost - this is assigned to people. Here's how it was explained to me - say you have an 85 year old woman with what I have, stage IV breast cancer, her YLL is pretty low, because, well, she's older - right? Now, say you have a 32 year old woman with my same diagnosis but she also has chronic illness like, asthma, heart condition, something like that - her YLL is potentially lower as well because of all the mitigating factors that would come into play when they treat the cancer - get it? Well, my YLL is really high - because I am completely healthy with the exception of this stupid cancer thing - what does this mean? It means I get pushed to the top of the pile at every doctors desk - that they pull out all the stops to get me better - isn't that crazy!!!!! Now, I am smart enough to know that there is always the potential of being treated like a # at the doctors office, it is just too naive to think that you wouldn't be considering the # of people these physicians see every day, week, month - I can't even imagine. But this just blew me away - the way they measure someones amount of life lost from strictly a medical standpoint - and how that plays into who gets priority and who doesn't - just a completely different way of understanding how one's treatment plays out. Here I've been amazed at how everyone is rushing around to accommodate me and this stupid cancer, now I know that this YLL number plays a role in that. Interesting to me - very interesting. I'm really not even forming an opinion here at all either, just find it interesting.

Prayer circle went really well today. Pastor Mary continues to enlighten me. I was feeling bad today about having to, yet again, ask for help after this surgery. She posed a very interesting thought that I have been pondering all day long. She says, and I hope I understood her correctly (she'll let me know if I didn't I'm sure) that God has intentionally put these angels around me to help me, and for me to ask them for help, to show me a new way to be in this life. That the Dina before cancer, wouldn't THINK of asking for help (which is VERY true) and insist on doing everything herself and helping others. He does not want me to be this way. As I thought about this on the way home, I thought, wow, think about how much better I could help others, by knowing what it was like to need and accept help myself. I would have such a deeper understanding of who I was helping, having been there myself. Giving back would mean so much more. Another A-Ha! moment. Thank you Pastor Mary. You were right on. Boy, I needed that Word today.

So - the title of this post - let me explain. When the hospital called me this week to confirm my surgery date and time, they also asked me some medical questions. All this went fine, until the nurse said 'wait - I don't see a bowel prep for you - didn't your OB discuss this with you at your pre-op appt?'. I promptly said "Ew and No - what is that?" She explained that my bowels should be empty before this procedure, and that I needed to call my OB's office to see what they thought. So, I did and repeated to them what the hospital nurse told me. I was speaking to the surgery scheduler who went to ask someone else, then came back and said "Well, if you want to, you can go to the store, get a fleet enema and only use half of it the night before". Ok. Are you kidding me? Is she really giving me the OPTION to do this? Oh please, I'm just dying to give myself a rectal enema - thanks for offering! I told her "well I don't WANT to do this at all - are you giving me an option here or do I need to do this?" She really didn't have an answer for me. So, I went ahead and bought one today. I was kinda freaked out by the hospital nurse who said if I didn't, they could potentially puncture my bowel - and that doesn't sound pleasant at ALL. Now, I've NEVER done this before, so I'm kinda picturing like, a douche for your butt kinda thing. This is NOTHING like that, OMG!! First of all, I'm not even sure by the diagrams on the box how you are even supposed to do this yourself. You would have to be a member of Cirque De Soleil or something. And no, I know what you're thinking, no - I'm not asking my husband, or anyone else to help me - this one I will figure out on my own, and I think God understands why I'm not asking for help on this little adventure. Just wish me luck on Thurs evening, and I highly recommend if you have never had to have this experience, sneak down the aisle the next time you are at the drug store, pick up a fleet enema box and look at the directions - you will laugh your ass off. (no pun intended)

God Bless -

I'd like a room with a boob - I mean view.

So I booked a hotel room today for PJ and I to stay in after my mastectomy. I asked questions I never thought of before when booking a hotel room. 'Is the bed really comfy?' - that is something I have never asked before. We're staying someplace nice - I wasn't going to go all 'thrifty' on a room after my surgery. So, we'll figure out how to manage it when the time comes. Plus I wanted a room with a bedroom, so I wasn't all hanging out there for all to see when someone walked in the door. Wait, I really won't have anything to hang anymore, well, you catch my drift here. In any case, I think we will be as comfortable as possible. See, they are only keeping me in the hospital for 1 night, can you believe that? So my surgeon recommended that we get a hotel room for a couple nights before heading back up north.

On the more current surgery front, the hospital called today to confirm everything for my overectomy on Friday. (I don't even know if that is a word or if it is it is spelled correctly, so please forgive me) I think I really thought this surgery was going to be like my excisional biopsy or my port placement, out patient and no big deal. I think it is a little more than a big deal. I was told I can't lift anything for six weeks. Wow. That is a long time to not pick up my Ginger. Hard part is, is if they do this laproscopically, I will most likely feel like I can pick her up, I just can't. That will suck. And, they are going to catheterize me - which I absolutely hate. When I had Ginger, they kinda put it in wrong, so my last experience was not a good one with this hole catheter thingy - remember me saying our only experience with things are the last one we had? Well, let's hope this turns out differently. Yuk and OUCH! So, I gotta pray on that.

I did have fun today though. Doing 'around the house' type chores and being a mom, it's been a long time since I've been able to do that. I still get so tired by around like, 4pm - I wonder how long until that stops. I know 5 months of chemotherapy will hang around for awhile, I just wonder how long. I got to spend some really great time with Ginger, and Dad got to take Madeline to school today. This evening, when we put the girls to bed, I was tucking Madeline in and started tickling her - tickling her until she just cried with laughter - that is my new favorite sound in the world. That, and Ginger eating a goldfish. I am so blessed to have my children. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't stop and thank God for these precious gifts. They have kept me going through this journey like nothing else has, and they have taught me so much. I cannot begin to explain how it feels to be sick to your stomach, bald, having hot flashes, bathroom issues - then to have both of my girls hugging me telling me they love me and covering me with kisses. I am trying so hard in this life to practice what they have taught me - to see people as people, the inside light of people - not the outside package. That is what children give us, well, at least that is what my children have given me. What a gift. They have made me feel love at a level that is impossible to describe.

So I would be lying if I wasn't feeling some anxiety about this upcoming surgery. I was OK with it, now I'm feeling a little nervous. I just want it to go smoothly, that is all. I've been completely retarded when it comes to the date lately, I don't know why. Like, I can't remember what day it is, the date, or sometimes the month - it is really embarrassing. Anyhoo, because of this, I'm off on my devotional - but, it is oddly appropriate tonight. I came to this this evening, what a word:

"Trust Me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks - or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me."

Isn't that the frickin truth? I totally measure shit against my own strength, all the time. Thing is, I'm missing out on the NOW when I do this - in fact, I'm wasting the NOW. And what is really true - it's coming, whether I think I 'prepare' or not. So, enjoy the now, and trust the later because with Him, strength will be there, undeniable strength. Oy vais, do I need this frickin tattooed on my head or something? It's so hard to remember this - I'm such a planner, planner, planner.

Well, finally got caught up on Heros tonight so we are ready tomorrow to watch the 2 hour premiere from tonight - we're so excited. (we luv our television) OH - which reminds me - my good friend Jennifer said this when we were out this weekend. This would just make the perfect bumper sticker - "I'm such a better Mom since TIVO".

God Bless -

Over Under. Roger Over. Overectomy.

My weekend was too much fun. Had a relaxing family weekend, with a little DATE night on top of that - always a good thing for mom and dad to get out and be just PJ and Dina for an evening. Healthy - the more we make ourselves do this, the happier we are. It's really nice. Wasn't feeling real great today, I think I pushed it a bit - so my wonderful husband let me nap this afternoon, and it seems to be helping. Need a good nights rest tonight, and I should be on my way. I just want to make sure I'm rested for the surgery this Friday. Speaking of which, had my pre-op w/ my OB on Friday afternoon and well, I will not be having my uterus out, only the ovaries. My OB (who is AWESOME!) says that since I am at a weakened immune system due to chemo just wed of last week, he wants to be in and out in as little time as possible. If we went for the uterus removal, that surgery would open me up for many more types of potential bacteria, something he is not willing to chance considering my immune system. So, we're doing the ovaries. That is the estrogen producer, so that is the main objective. I did ask him if keeping it was like keeping a huge cancer haven - he said no. So, I'm just doing what he says, I trust him, and feel comfortable letting him call the shots on this. I just can't believe that the one thing that blessed me with my two beautiful children could now potentially kill me - trying to wrap my brain around that concept. Strange. Then he said my uterus would just be dormant and barren. Dormant and Barren? I picture like, a cold, dark hole, with cobwebs gently blowing through with a cold breeze - then cue music from the scary part of Pirates of the Caribbean. Slight white fog illuminating through. Hmmm. This makes me wish I could utilize it as another possible place to store stuff, my purse just never seems big enough.

I'm worried about how I'm going to 'feel', ya know? I haven't felt myself for so long now, what will this now add to the mix? I just pray, pray a LOT - I don't know what else to do. And cry, I do that too. I mean, I have my sense of humor, but it still seems to back up on me - can't put the 'face on' for too long before you just have to let down a bit. Does that make sense? It's a viscous cycle - worry, fear, cry, pray. Worry, fear, cry, pray, laugh. Worry, cry, pray, laugh. PJ and I were talking this afternoon, that the treatment was almost the predictable part, as unpredictable as it was. At least we knew we went every Wed, and what happened there was pretty predictable. Now, here we go into a surgery where I'm not real sure how I'm going to do - I'm not even sure if it's going to go laproscopically - THAT is a huge ? here. The reason he is doing this surgery so quickly is in case he does indeed have to cut me open. How will he know this? Well, when he goes in lapriscopically and he possibly can't remove my ovaries because of scar tissue (I've had 2 c-sections) then he'll have to cut me open and then my recovery will be much like a c-section. He wanted to be sure, if he had to do this, to give me enough time to heal before my mastectomy. I'm going to look and feel like frickin Frankenstein here - eh?

During church this morning, I was so filled with the need to be involved and help and volunteer and assist - and dammit - this stupid cancer thing is just really taking up WAY too much of my time. It makes me feel so selfish to not be able to give back right now, because I have to focus on me and get this thing kicked. I'm not accustomed to focusing on me for very long, much less 5 months now and for the next 2 for sure. I am just hating this. I know, I'm almost there - this is just the final part that happens to be a real bitch. There's this small part of me that just wants to take my ball and go home. Maybe not feeling real great today is aiding in this feeling. I tend to be a lot more positive when I'm feeling stronger - and I just have felt weak, tired and headachy today. Yuk.

Alright, enough of my bitching and carrying on here. I am focusing on this week as a week of pre-school, labs for surgery, I get a massage on Thurs (yipee!), playing with my little Ginger, helping Madeline spell her name (she did it this evening, clear as a bell - she is so awesome), trying to get my house cleaned (I need to find my cleaning lady again I think), lovin on my husband, and most of all, Praising God for my ability to do ALL of these things. Despite my bitching on this blog, I do wake up each morning and the first thing I do is Praise God for this beautiful life he has given me. Anything He leads me through, whether is sucks or is iroinically enlightening, is well worth the it for this life. I have so much to gain, and have gained so much already. I can only imagine what is in store for me next.

So - Game On! Ovaries or not!

God Bless -

Goin Back to Chemo - No, I don't think so.

So PJ and I came up with this very funny idea this morning of developing our own, like, Jib Jab song with the funny bodies and our big heads to the tune of LL Cool J 'going back to Cali' but obviously changing the words to 'going back to chemo' then my oncologist would pop out saying 'no - I don't think so'. We laughed - this was like, 1 minute after we woke up this morning, so go figure. We thought we were really funny this morning, guess that's all that matters.

Busy day today - MOPS meeting and had a great time, but it is always such a whirlwind for me. It's like as soon as I'm able to catch my breath, it's all over. But, my table was awesome today, all the girls showed up and we laughed a lot. Which is exactly the point of MOPS - to hang out, get some good ME time and relax. It was nice. What I remember of course. Could be the chemo too, who knows. How long do I get to use that excuse??

I'm starting to feel yukky, so I'm going to keep this short this evening. I am really just trying to process the fact that I'm having surgery in a week. What kind of surgery? I really don't know - something else that is very weird to process at this moment. Will I be cut open? Will I keep my uterus? This is probably where the whole 'trust' part is supposed to REALLY come into play. Wow. This is hard. I suppose it will all go down the way it is supposed to. I just need to trust. Dammit trust!!! Arg.

Isn't it ironic that I have a massage scheduled the day before my surgery next week. I've been wanting to have a massage all through my treatment. My oncologist said it was really good for me - but I just never made the time for it. Well, I'm making it now I suppose. I'm really looking forward to it. My pre-op appt is tomorrow afternoon where I know a lot of my questions will be answered.

I think the most frustrating part right now, is I just want to feel better. I haven't felt good for so long, I don't even really remember what it felt like to NOT feel this way. I'm really tired of feeling tired. But I need to pray for patience, and strength, because my journey is far from over. Well, it will never really be 'over', but I've got a few more 'specific scenarios' to experience here before I settle into my new normal. I just want the drive and energy to get through them, and pray desperately that I will stay healthy through them as well. That is essential. I've been so blessed thus far, but I'm not done yet.

We have 'date night' planned this weekend. So we're excited about that. Then we will be delivering my mothers dog back to her on Sunday. My children will be sad to see her go, but happy their toys are no longer getting chewed to bits. Me too come to think of it.

Many blessings to all of you this weekend. Something cool I came across this evening I'd like to share - seems like something I need to remember more often. Check this out:

"You inhabit a fallen, disjointed world, where things are constantly unraveling around the edges. Once a vibrant relationship with Me can keep you from coming unraveled too."

So here's to staying 'raveled', eh? Constant work in progress. God Bless and have a great weekend.

Be Careful What you Wish for.........

So, remember when I said I was praying for patience and to just let all this stuff shake out the way it was supposed to because I wanted things to move faster? Well, guess what?

Ok, so last treatment right? Totally awesome and bittersweet. So, I had already decided in my appointment with my doc to ask her if maybe since I had to wait 4/5 weeks for my surgery, could I possibly start my hormonal therapy now, just want to make sure there's none of that now evil estrogen re-growing to make these cancer cells go "Hey! Yum! Want that!" I didn't even get a change to ask this question. My doc is just the best - and long story short, but she consulted with another brilliant doc in TX who had a similar patient to me, and I'm going to have my ovaries out BEFORE my mastectomy. Wha?? Yup. In fact, by 4pm today - this surgery was booked - for next Friday! They are hopefully going to be able to do this laproscopically - if you can even believe that. I would like to go ahead and have a full hysterectomy, but we'll see - I have to consider I'm going under for a major surgery in just a couple more weeks. So we need to minimize the recovery and invasivness. Is this crazy of what?? I have my pre-op this Friday! Wow. So - yea, there we have it. Talk about cleaning house, eh? I end chemo, have my ovaries and possibly uterus removed, get on the hormonal pill, then have a mastectomy. All before Halloween! So like I said, be careful what you pray for - cuz it looks like there is no rest for the weary now.

I have to say, I'm kinda bummed that I'm not going to get to relax just a bit before the mastectomy. I was really starting to look forward to just being off chemo, and getting my strength back. I'll just have another distraction now I suppose. I haven't even begun to wrap my brain around losing my girl parts. They brought me my 2 beautiful children, so I suppose they served their purpose. But I just loved being pregnant. Isn't is ironic that the one thing that helped me have them, could now possibly kill me. Strange.

OH OH OH - I forgot the super cool part to this!! My doc, called this other really super smart doc in Phx who runs this clinical trial lab for breast cancer, the kind of place people seek out all over the world - and it's right down there in Phx! Anyhoo, she called them to talk about me, and they are going to take the tumor from my breast and quick send it over to this lab for testing - then, with this fresh tissue, then can get a MAP of my cancer - they can learn about it and find out why it traveled to where it traveled! Is that frickin cool or what? So, this is helping all those ladies who have the same kind of cancer as I have, AND, they have tons more information about my cancer God forbid should I have a re occurrence. How cool is this?? I went ahead and signed the papers for this as well so they can get in touch with my surgeon. I totally envision some small sweaty man waiting in the operating room with an Igloo cooler - then taking my boob tissue and whisking away in his Plymouth Horizon - to deliver my right boob to the lab. (cue Wicked Witch music from the Wizard of Oz) So, very cool to be a part of this.

Oh, and the really fun part - I get to say the R word as soon as I have my mastectomy. I get to say REMISSION. I'm so excited, I just can't stand it.

I was sharing my 'old lady list' from my previous post with one of my nurses today, and she was laughing and saying "at least you don't like that jello with the carrots in it!". I didn't even think there was a bright side to that list, until now - No, I have no desire for the jello with the carrots.

Obviously God had a plan for me here - I will have all this done, and over with all by years end. My mind, is spinning. PJ and I are feeling very overwhelmed tonight, as we also have to organize getting his father's estate in order. We have to get his house prepared to be put on the market, which means we need to go in and start cleaning. And, this is just something I do and organize really well - so we're going to have to down to Phx once a week until my mastectomy to get this done. We are just praying that I will have the ovarectomy laproscopically. IF he has to cut me open for this, I'm going to be laid up for awhile. Much like my c-section. So, we're praying for this. Needless to say, we're a little overwhelmed. Our calendar went from pretty open to completely full in a matter of an afternoon. So, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is on. We are very grateful too, do not be mistaken. I am again overwhelmed with gracious gratitude and the speed in which all of these doctors work and are making this all happen for me. I am awe struck. What a blessing all these hands at work are on my behalf. What a blessing.

I asked for God to lay out the plan of action for me, and look what he's done. I'm right here on board with you Lord, no problem. So I skipped ahead one day on my devotional, and you need to hear this, it is amazing.

" You will not find My Peace by engaging in excessive planning: attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief. When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you. Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion.

I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes and fears. Commit everything into My care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."
Well, I am living proof of this tonight. I turned it over, and it took flight. It is scaring the shit out of me, but I trust it.

Having some yukky heartburn, so must lie down. Thank you all for your continued prayers - they are and have been working. Again, I am proof of that. Prayer works. We thank God every evening for the people who put our needs above their own and pray for us. We are so grateful and blessed.

God Bless -

It's The Final Countdown! (as sung by Europe)

Well, tomorrow is the day. Part of me will believe it when I'm there and my doc says "ok - here's the next step now that we're DONE WITH CHEMO". She probably wouldn't shout it like I've typed it here - but how funny if she did, eh? That would be funny. I wouldn't stare at her but others probably would and think 'jeez - why is she shouting that it's so unprofessional' but I would smile. Anyway, I'm excited to stop then start to regain myself and prepare for this surgery, which, is not going to be the 'breeze' I think I have in my head. It's going to be a bitch, and I just need to prepare myself for some weeks of being really uncomfortable. There is a part of me that really thinks I'll be taking Madeline to school w/ Ginger on my hip like, a week after my surgery. Sadly, I doubt this is true.

So today was like, the busiest day I've had in a long time. Left the house this morning at 8:15 and didn't get home until after 5pm. Both the girls had dr appts today (well baby and 4 year old check up) and both of my little angels had shots - poor things. Each of them had 4 shots - Madeline then on top of that had the flu mist. So, there were lots of tears shed, but they are resting soundly now. They actually did great.

One thing I'm getting accustomed to now, is people don't think I'm Ginger's mommy any longer. Now, I know I'm an older mom, but, I have to accept the fact that I look even older as I've gone through this treatment, and in these scarves I wear. It's upsetting - I just want to tell them ' I don't always look like this! Honest! I used to look pretty good for a 40 year old mother of a 4 and 1 year old!'. I know I will get back to that, I know this - I just need to take a deep breath, stay focused, and exhale. I can't control what other people perceive as their reality. But I can be forthright in sharing my involvement, and their lack of good judgement. Or simply point out their ability to judge so quickly. In a polite, sincere, sarcastic way of course. ;-)

It's bittersweet tomorrow. These people have had a major hand in me fighting this thing. They have played a role in my fight. Not seeing them on a weekly basis is going to be a huge transition for me. I am finding myself oddly missing them all already. My oncologist, and this staff, are the most amazing group of medical professionals I think I've ever been privileged enough to witness, let alone take part in. They are doing such wonderful things for people, just by treating them as people, not patients. There is a slight fear in me this evening regarding not actively fighting this thing on a weekly basis. A little paranoid perhaps. Probably normal too.

I had missed my devotional reading for the past 2 days, which really irritates me. So, I go to read today's, finally, and the last sentence just speaks to me, in the same way my friend Lara has spoken to me. This gives me something reiterated that Lara had shared with me. I know God is with me, and he wants me to remember that I am beautiful to Him, which is all that matters. It read:

Be blessed as My Face shines radiantly upon you, giving you Peace.

Thank you Lara - this was clearly a message first sent to me by you, now here. I hear you and feel radiant indeed. Thank you.

Need to run, gotta rest up for tomorrow, so God Bless, and good night.

Game On! Phase 2!

Well, surgery is officially scheduled. Seems it will be October 22 - my surgeon won't do this any sooner than 4 weeks after my last chemotherapy treatment - he says he wants me healthy and ready - makes sense I guess. I was seriously wanting this sooner, but if this is what it must be - than it will be. It was a pretty uneventful meeting to be honest - not that I expected the red carpet or anything (that would have been lovely actually) but I guess I expected something. It was literally like a 10 minute meeting. He came in, he hugs me, he checks out my rack, he asks if I've decided on one or two, I said two but what did he think, he says it's a personal choice and for me to discuss it further with the reconstructive surgeon, asks me to book the surgery with his nurse, then hugs me again and out he goes. That's all she wrote folks. So when I went out to his nurse I said that I had already decided that I wanted a double - so I had to sign a release for each - one for the left, one for the right, stand up sit down FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Anyhoo, we're all scheduled for that day. I guess I will look at the next month as a time to really get my strength up and start feeling better after my last treatment on Wed. PJ and I were talking about this and I realized that my sense of 'feeling good' is really skewed right now - I think I've become accustomed to what I 'perceive' as feeling good right now - I can't wait to see how good I really start feeling once treatment is over.

It seems that stupid little emotion called 'fear' has been creeping up in my subconscious again. I met with my friend this evening an she put it so eloquently, she said "fear isn't handled once and then it's gone. Fear is like an ex-husband you had children with - as much as you'd like to put him out of your life completely, he just keeps showing up, and you just have to deal with him. He also knows you well, so he knows how to get to you." Isn't that the truth? I think I honestly did think that I had tackled this monster already, but it will keep showing up in different forms as my circumstances change. I just need to keep handling it the way I've been handling it. So hard, and unfortunately, it's going to be something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

On my drive home this evening, I started really reflecting on the past 7 months since this thing started. And I got really pissed, and angry that my family and I had to even deal with this - I started to try to imagine what that time would have been spent doing if we weren't fighting cancer. Then, I started being very thankful for my life, that none of us knows if we're going to be here tomorrow, next month, or next year. How blessed I am for my life - and if I had to go through the past 7 months in order to keep my life, I'd go through it 7 more. What I have, and what I have learned, make it well worth the fight.

It's pretty late and I've got doctor appts for both of my girls tomorrow (just check ups), so I best be signing off. Real quick though - something that PJ and I were laughing about in the car today on the way back from Phx - was how cancer has turned me into an old lady. We listed all the things we could think of that are old lady things, that have happened to me since I was diagnosed:

I own & actively use a shawl.
I wear Walmart pajamas.
I have hemorrhoids.
I'm tired all the time.
I'm bald.
I drink prune juice.
I take stool softeners.
I have a weekly pill dispenser.
I can't feel my feet and fingers sometimes.
I sweat then 2 minutes later I'm freezing.
I'll ask a question, PJ will answer me and I'll forget what I asked him.
I crave coleslaw all the time.

Who knew this part to this journey, eh?

God Bless all -

Stop! I Wanna Get Off!!!!

Don't you just wish that sometimes you could just make everything stop so your brain can catch up? PJ spent the weekend in Phx tending to his father. His father was put in the hospital on Thurs because he was feeling numb and pain that felt like "knives in his head". Needless to say, scary. Now, let me back up just a bit here and advise that his father has been slowly getting worse the past year and a half - he suffered heat stroke then has apparently experienced a number of TIA's (mini strokes) that no one can seem to find the cause of, which has catapulted him into early dementia (he just turned 60). So, what we all feared has finally come to fruition - he can no longer live alone, and he can no longer work. Wow. First of all, I can hardly begin fathom what it must be like to slowly stop being YOU - which is what is happening to him. It's like he gets lost in his own mind, or stuck even sometimes - and it kills me to watch this, then watch my husband watch this of his father. A father who was a VERY good father to my husband. It is painful. So, we are all combining forces to get disability in place, access, and move him in w/ PJ's brother and partner until we can get him set up in an assisted living facility. Once we figure out how we're going to pay for it as well. Like I said, I just wish we could just stop time sometimes, and just take a deep, healthy breath.

So my weekend was spent with 'the girls' - and ya know, it was good for me. Good for all of us actually. Don't get me wrong, I missed my husband, we all did - but it was good to know I could handle this on my own finally, chemo or no chemo - and that all those things I remember PRE CANCER when I used to just pray for naptime, I'm now not so eager to put the kiddos to bed. We played dress up, we painted, we took all the cushions off the couch and made a fort (remember how fun that was??) and we danced to 60's music and laughed. We had a really fun girls weekend. I would get wicked tired by about 9pm, but it was all good. Madeline of course secretly slipped into bed each night with me - undetected by me - she is so sneaky!! What a blessing my girls are.

PJ returned home later this afternoon - and we all just showered him with kisses. See, my husband and I are kind of addicted to each other - I know this is not normal, but for us, we really dig each other - and we find each other to be a really good hang, amongst other things ;-). So when we're apart for a length of time, we don't like it very much. Anyhoo - he said some lovely things to me, about how beautiful I am, those kinds of things, and to be honest, I haven't felt real beautiful at all lately - and I mean at ALL. As excited as I am about my last treatment this Wed, I'm still in full force side effects, and they are just, well, let's say extremely uncomfortable, annoying and embarrassing. So when he came at me with these things, I just fell apart. In a good way, but fell apart to say the least. How blessed I am to have a husband that is so good to me. Who sees me as me, and nothing else.

I'm very excited to see the surgeon tomorrow, and excited to get to Wed for my last treatment. In church service this morning, I think I finally started realizing that this really is going to be my last treatment. I know, there is always re occurrence as a possibility, but I'm living in the NOW and for NOW - this is my last treatment. I need to let go of something that has become a huge part of who I have become the past 5 months - as odd as that sounds. I think being able to focus on the surgery will help, but eventually, I'm going to get to the point where I wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next, and the answer will be - LIVE. I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it - I mean, I'm living now, please know that, but also focused on the tasks at hand. I just need to sit back, relax, and listen to Him and let Him lead the way. I try so hard to control it all, still, but I need to pull myself back and just relax.

Thank you Sana and Sarah for feeding me and my family this week. You know you're getting old when you look at 'rustic olive loaf' bread and begin to salivate - yum yum. Anyhoo, thank you thank you thank you.

I'm just so filled with thankfulness this evening. I'm so thankful for my children, my wonderful husband, my family, and my dear friends. How lucky I am to be on this earth surrounded by all these beautiful people. And in regards to PJ's dad, how blessed I am to have known him, and to know him now. Just because he isn't the person he was, doesn't mean he doesn't have anything to teach us. In fact, he may teach us more now than he ever could before - I think he already has.

God Bless -

Obla Di Obla Da

Today was a little frazzled, but good. Ya know, managing a 4 year old and a 16 month old is quite challenging. I know, you do what you have to do - but I don't know how moms with more than 2 do it. I barely have enough arms for the two I have and all the bags and shit that go along with them. How do women do it with more? I mean I remember thinking 1 was a handful, then you get the other one and you manage and figure it out - I suppose that's the way it happens when you keep adding more, but jeesh - wow. In any case, I obviously had a challenge being a mom of 2 today. But if that was the worst challenge I had today, then today was a pretty good day. And it certainly makes your morning go by quickly. Took Madeline to school, met a friend for a chat after that for about an hour and we let our little ones play together since they're about the same age, then had a leadership meeting, picked up Madeline from school, Ginger from daycare and hauled 2 girls and 4 bags out to the car, got everything settled and ready to go when you hear the infamous words "Mom - I've got to go to the bathroom" well, at least we hadn't pulled out of the parking lot yet - because there have been times we've had to pull over on the side of the highway and Madeline had to drop her pants behind the car and pee - a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, ya know? Try explaining to a 3 year old that it's OK to drop her pants in traffic and pee on the ground. Trust me - you sound like an idiot. Anyways, we all went back in and went to the potty. All in all, it was a lovely normal mom morning and afternoon, and I loved every minute of it.

I'm starting to feel crummy now, so I'm going to keep this short - but ask for prayers for PJ's dad. He has been having some dementia problems for awhile, but they seem to have taken a more serious turn within the past 6 months. Had an episode at work today, and has since been admitted to the hospital for observation and testing. PJ & his brother are with him now, and are waiting to hear what they think the problem is. Another waiting game. It is so hard to play the waiting game, trust me, I know. Sometimes I wish the world would just stop so we could address all the issues we need to address and help all those we want to help one at a time - but life doesn't seem to work that way. It just keeps moving, whether you are on board or not. I think that is a choice each one of us has to make, to be on board, or not. Kinda like this whole 'God's will' thing again to me - you have to be an active participant in your life, in order for God to reveal himself. You need to show up for yourself, and for others, to reveal God's will. Sometimes we just don't feel like we can get to everybody that needs us is all, and that makes me feel bad.

In any case, please keep him in your prayers. I thank my friends again for feeding me and my family again this week - only one more week to go - can you believe it? I'm so excited. I should know a potential surgery date as well by early next week. So I'll keep you posted.

We have a birthday party to attend on Sat, one of Madeline's classmates from school, then church on Sunday - normal family stuff. I love it. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Be safe.

God Bless -

To Witness Another Miracle

So treatment was really awesome today, as awesome as receiving chemotherapy can be, everything went smoothly and I got to hug my oncologist. That was pretty great. My blood count was once again great, no issues, and even confirmed that from last week as well. I'm so blessed. Yea!

It was a bit busy, so we had to double up in chemo pods again, and we sat with someone we've seen since we started coming, but never had a chance to get to know, until today. He is our age, and was given the news by our oncologist that his PET scan too, came back with no metabolic activity. At first I felt like I was intruding on this moment, but then watched he and his wife absorb this moment, and cried right along with them. How wonderful. How frickin wonderful. We all just talked and shared our stories with each other - it's almost like the initial reservations you usually have when meeting someone new are completely disregarded in these scenarios. We all just cut to the quick with each other - and get right to the facts. What kind of cancer do you have, how did you find it, what is the prognosis, does chemo make you feel this, or that - that didn't happen to me but this did, blah blah blah. Very emotional and personal conversations with people right away. It's pretty awesome to get to know each other in this way. It's quite nice to blow past all the bullshit. In any case, it was clear to PJ and I that we were not meant to meet these people, even though he was diagnosed right when I was, in April, until today. What a blessing that we met today, on such a monumental day for them. God Bless.

So I have my appointment scheduled with my surgeon in Phx on Monday. I'm pretty excited to get this ball rolling. Not sure if I'll need to schedule another appointment with my reconstructive surgeon, my main surgeon will steer that for me. Looks as though they will need to take out lymph nodes, something I was really hoping to avoid since the PET came back clear on that issue. Again, we'll discuss this with the surgeon, but my oncologist seems to feel a few will need to be taken. Bummer. But, whatever is the safest for me and supports no re occurrence, I'll deal with the rest of it.

I'm nervous about this new direction, and nervous about stopping chemotherapy. There's a sick comfort in going and having treatment that makes you feel like shit, but is killing the disease inside you. Not going regularly to kill this disease is making me a little nervous. Here comes that trust word again. Gotta just let go, and trust. Still playing an active part, but trying to play it positively, and with trust. Woo - that's tough right now.

Well, I'm out to work on the chemo-cam footage - in the yukky bug filled garage - wish me luck. My poor husband gets to listen to me bitch about this all night - I predict a lot of eye rolling and sighing - pray for him.

God Bless -

Did That Come Out of You???

So, last nights post was way heavy, so let's keep it light tonight. Don't get me wrong, I feel so much better today after emotionally purging in last nights post - but need to lighten up now. Let's go ahead and do the Top 10 List I thought about:

The Top Ten Things I Like About Breast Cancer

10. My showers take less time.

9. When I say I have to go 'put my face on' I literally mean 'put my face on'.

8. I get really great parking.

7. I go to the front of the lines at Disneyland.

6. People want to help you - like, everywhere.

5. I get to nap whenever I want to.

4. I've never owned this much pink in my life.

3. I can eat jalapenos out of the jar.

2. I now know what the Nettie Pot is. (you don't need cancer for this, but I apparently I did)

and the #1 thing I like most about breast cancer is......

1. I really do get tits for Christmas!!!!


I'm thinking that's all I can do for today. My day was just wicked busy, and we started the new diet today (all fruits and veg for 9 days straight) I just can't keep my eyes open this evening.

Treatment tomorrow, and a chance to hug my oncologist which I haven't had the chance yet since the scan results.

God Bless -

MA NA MA NA - Do Do Do Do Do

What a weekend. Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day and tried not to Labor too much. We had a great time. Was still feeling pretty shitty on Friday night, so went to bed early. Woke up to a wonderfully cloudy day on Sat - then lots of rain and coolness - so we were all very lazy and watched tennis and cuddled on the couch. It was awesome. We had the house open all day and the wet, fresh air filled our home and hearts. It was lovely.

Sunday we went to church then I had the most AWESOME visit. My high school theater teacher and 2 girlfriends from high school (actually we go back to 1st grade together) came up to visit me. It was so wonderful to reconnect with these ladies, I can't even explain. My cancer has brought me many gifts, as ironic as that sounds, and this visit is clearly up there in the top ten. (hmmm, feeling the need to do a 'Top Ten Things I Like About Breast Cancer' - another post perhaps...) It is amazing, after 20 years of not seeing these ladies, it felt like we just saw each other yesterday. Like we picked up right where we left off. It was amazing. It was difficult to catch up with each of them in an afternoon, so my only gripe is we didn't get to spend MORE time together, but it was just so comforting to have them near me. We went to lunch then walked around downtown together, and it was just a beautiful day. I am so very blessed they took the time out of their busy lives as wives and mothers to come up and see me. I am truly blessed.

After they left, we went to a bbq that evening with some other friends of ours, and just had a wonderful day. As I reflected on my day yesterday evening, and thanked God for his many blessings, I have to say, there is much to be said about having your soul filled with just good people. It puts a little skip in your step, and an energy you just can't explain. What a gift that we have such wonderful people in our lives. As much as I hate being a cancer patient, I wouldn't trade this for anything because I realize my life is so full of wonderful, gracious, loving individuals - if I had to have cancer to experience this, then cancer I will have.

Speaking of the little 'c' - I've had some interactions recently that have left me, well, speechless - and that doesn't happen very often. I've been approached by 2 separate people, who came to me to apologize. They apologize for not believing that I would be healed, and that prayer would work. Then it did, and they are overjoyed, but full of guilt for not trusting God. I have many mixed emotions about this - I really have no idea how to respond. First of all, I'm still pinching myself that it is working, (remember, surgery is still needed to fix the primary cancer site), but also, I don't really feel like they should feel bad or apologize at all. I mean, there were many, many times that I doubted, or was scared, or stayed in a 'fear' state of mind, and I had to remember myself to trust. That is the hardest part for anyone in this life though - cancer or not - the trust part is hard. I guess I just listened to that voice deep in my soul, that I heard way early on in this process, the voice said that 'everything was going to be fine'. Also, I reflected upon all the things that had happened to me throughout my life, and just knew that there were many opportunities to have me not make it in the past, so why would I have made it through all of that - only to have stupid cancer beat me? I don't think so. It just didn't make sense to me. Then I of course looked at my husband and my children, and early on - it was numbing to think of me losing this battle and losing them. It is what kept me from wanting to get out of bed in the morning. But again, what I had to go through to find PJ, and what I went through to have my children, it wouldn't make sense for me to make it through all of that, only for me to be taken by this stupid cancer. God is mysterious, but he is logically mysterious - to me anyway. And, I truly trust my dr and what she tells me, because she's the expert, and such a wonderful human being, it was so clear to me God led me to find her. So I guess I just felt horrible that these ladies felt horrible, because they weren't alone - I too had moments of doubt and fear. But going back to that 'surrounding yourself with wonderful people' - I have never experienced people 'taking over when you are too weak' - and that, is what has pulled me through this more than anything. People praying, people giving me love, a meal, an email, a Facebook posting, and note in the mail, a book, all these things lifted me when I was not able to lift my head towards the heavens. It gives me hope. When I didn't have hope, others did for me - until, it was all I lived - now, I try to live hope, everyday, and can't WAIT to give it to others. I just want to be that positive light to someone else. Like I'm gonna burst if I can't - hard to explain.

I'm sure this is not the first time I will not know how to respond - this whole cancer thing is still very new to me. I don't know what each phase holds for me, I just try to smile, and hand in hand, we walk right in and take a seat. As corny as it sounds, each day is a gift. When I hear my Ginger giggle when I tickle her chunky thighs, or feel Madeline's sweet little hands pat my chest and ask me how my port feels, or the wonderful fact that my husband still wants to grab his bald wife's ass in the kitchen every night while I'm making dinner - these moments make me love my days on this earth more than I ever thought I could. I just re-read that sentence, and with tears in my eyes, feel like the most blessed woman on the face of this earth. Cancer has caused me to feel things 10 times more than I did before - what a blessing.

So - I just finished the devotional I started reading right when I started treatment called 'Praying Through Cancer' - and ironically enough - the last portion called The Final Word goes something like this - I need to share this considering what I just wrote about tonight - I'm going to change the wording by personifying it, because, well, you'll see - WOW!:

For me, cancer is a comma, not a period, in the sentences of my life. Why? Because I have put my faith in God's Son, Jesus Christ, and invited Him into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior. I have already seen God working in my life, answering my prayers and encouraging me through life's trials. My cancer experience is a huge challenge, but also an opportunity for me to draw closer to Jesus, who Himself was well acquainted with pain and suffering. Because of my trust in Him, Jesus turns my anxiety into unexpected joy and my pain into an opportunity to serve Him. Through prayer and praise to my Creator, even through cancer, my heart is set free from the fear of the unknown.

God Bless -

Conjunction - junction - What's Your Function?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I am so overjoyed with the news of this week, and it's been so wonderful to share it with everyone, but I found myself in tears this evening. I think I'm just overwhelmed. You have your mind set in something for so long, then it changes, and at least for me, it's taking me a moment or two to allow my brain to catch up with the events that have taken place, does that make sense? It's like I just can't shift fast enough to a new frame of mind, a new state of being. Then, to boot, I'm feeling like complete shit tonight - another reminder that this is far from over. Part of me just wants to speed up time and get all this stuff done so I can go back to being like everyone else - but I'm not like everyone else, not anymore. It's like when I finally went through therapy in NY, and did all this great work on myself personally, then went back out into the world, and was able to see how fucked up all my friends were. My therapy did wonders for me, and made me have absolutely no one to hang out with anymore. So here I am with these new eyes, seeing the world so completely differently than I did before, I can't go back to being who I was before, when sometimes, I just want to.

Please don't think I'm not happy with what is happening to me. Lord no - I am so humbled by what has been given to me, this second chance - I am blessed beyond belief - I just need to catch up to it mentally. All this kinda hit me today, and probably more so because I'm not feeling well either. Can't taste anything tonight but the after taste of the Taxol - which I really can't even describe. People have called it a 'metal' taste, but that isn't really true for me. It's just a taste that you try to drown out with anything you can get your hands on - for me it's water and cough drops. Then you get an upset tummy. I did have a spring salad tonight with that yummy blush dressing that Sarah got me hooked on, so that was good. It was like the only meal I had today, go figure.

I hope I'm not sounding whinny - that is not how I feel. Just, overwhelmed. I'm trying to start wrapping my brain around this surgery now, and to be honest, I'm a little scared. I'm ready, but it will be a different kind of transition - and an emotional one. I can't be this pillar of strength all the time, and sometimes I feel like I have to. That's kinda part of being a mom I think - you suck it up to get what you need done and think of you later - I bet that's what I'm tapping into here. Makes sense. But I need to allow myself the time to feel all of these things, otherwise I am doing everyone, including my family, a disservice. If I'm not OK with this, how I can I expect them to be, right?

Well, aren't I just a philosophical mess tonight, eh? Guess I needed to purge this emotional bulimia here - I feel much better now. Nothing like a good cry. It's so cleansing.

First MOPS meeting went well - I'm so blessed to be a part of this wonderful group of women. They are so supportive and uplifting to me. It is not by mistake that PJ and I ended up here in Prescott, that is for sure. We were guided, led here.

So - in direct connection to what I have just written here today - I just read my devotional for today, just now, because I realized I had completely spaced it today. This is just freaky - check this out:

A refreshed, revitalized mind is able to sort out what is important and what is not. In its natural condition, your mind easily gets stuck on trivial matters. Like the spinning wheels of a car trapped in mud, the cogs of your brain spin impotently when you focus on a trivial thing. As soon as you start communicating with Me about the matter, your thoughts gain traction and you can move on to more important things. Communicate with Me continually, and I will put My thoughts into your mind.
In the words of Homer Simpson - "Doh!" I guess that answers my questions from above - I'm gonna go do this now. We keep trying to do this thing called life on our own, don't we? Damned brain cogs! ;-)

God Bless

The Facts Mam - Just the Facts

So off to chemo treatment this morning. What will I do when I don't get to go and fight cancer? I know that I am so ready to be done w/ this for a buttload of reasons, but there is a comfort attached to going to a place and having a treatment done that is killing the cancer inside of you. A warrior spirit so to speak. That's what this experience has been for me anyways - granted, some days weren't as 'warrior' as others, but the intent was always there. The fight. It will be very strange to not hold onto this part any longer - and transition away from this way of fighting, to another way, whatever that will feel like. Who knows. I know it will only be 15 treatments in all, but it felt like much more - and the connection I feel with the staff is intense. Again, who knows.

Treatment went great - we left a little late, so PJ went like, 100 mph down the highway - I think the last time I went 100 was when I was in high school and me and my best buddy in school, Doug, drove to CA for a family reunion and the car started shaking profusely on the highway - when I asked him why his car was shaking, he told me he was going 110 mph. I told him to please stop. He drove a Plymouth Horizon - a car that probably shouldn't even be able to go 100. Anyway, we got there on time, of course, and everything went great. I had to see an associate as my dr is still out of town, so kind of a bummer I didn't get to give her a big hug about the latest scan. I got a copy of it - and just to be clear, here's the deal: There indeed in no metabolic activity (active cancer) in the liver or the bones. There is a little, and I mean little, metabolic activity in the right breast - but none in the lymph nodes (hurray!). This is why we are having the surgery.

I really fixated on this part of the report, and PJ and I spoke about this this evening. He knows me well and knew that I was fixating - he reiterated that I can't focus on the activity in the breast. The main focus of this aggressive treatment was to treat the liver - and that treatment, by the grace of God, was successful. In five months mind you. So, I finish my last cycle of treatment which will take me to my surgery date, have the surgery to remove the breast tissue, have reconstruction and then get on hormone therapy. I just need to keep reassuring myself about the BIG PICTURE and that picture is good. Very good. We women always tend to want things tidy - and this breast thing is just not tidy enough for me right now dammit. Bothers me. So I need to work on this, and really put my focus and energy on the good, and the plans to clean up the rest to make it all, well, tidy.

Madeline had a wonderful day at school today, and thank you to Lisa for bringing her home. What a blessing you are. Thank you.

And thank you Jennifer for our yummy dinner tonight. Once again, I cannot express how much these meals this beautiful community makes for me on my treatment days completely saves my ass. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We have a big day tomorrow, and my butt needs to be at church by 8am for our first MOPS meeting - which, is a feat for me you must understand, we are not an early morning family here. We don't really like to all get up till like, 7 - 7:30. I know, this must change - but it is hard. We are sleepers, what can I say. So off to bed with me.

I've mentioned my butt/ass like 3 times in this post tonight - must be a Freudian slip as PJ and I are talking about doing the Fat Smash again here and get this extra weight off so I can feel better, and also, be able to really gage how big I want my new tatas - I'd rather pick the size at my normal weight than at the steroid/chemo weight. Wish me luck, I think we're going to start next week. Arg.

God Bless -

Oh What A Beautiful Morning

Waking up this morning, was a little bit brighter for me this morning than the mornings of the past 5 months. I have to say - I reflected on this important moment in my day, the thoughts I have when I first wake up - and in the beginning of this journey, I didn't even want the day to begin. I wanted to just fall back asleep and stay there. I certainly have come a long way from those mornings, and I can't believe it has only been 5 months. It feels like so much longer. It feels like a year - or so. My point is, this morning when I woke up, there was a joy in my heart that hasn't been there. It was quite nice.

Had the most amazing morning w/ Madeline - she woke up in our bed (of course) and was in a great mood. We wished her a Happy Birthday, and for some reason, she doesn't want anyone to sing Happy Birthday to her. She kinda freaks out. Not sure what this is about, but thank GOD I remembered to mention this to her teacher this morning so they wouldn't all sing to her - that kinda thing would like, scar her for life or something - talk about first day of school meltdown - at least that was avoided. She opened her presents this morning when she woke up, and I let her have whatever she wanted for breakfast - that's the rule in our house, you can have whatever you want for breakfast on your birthday. So she had a cupcake. She was thrilled to say the least. The it was off to school - and it was so great to take her to school, and for her to be so excited and happy and do just awesome at her first day. She's going to do so great this year, I can just feel it.

I was greeted by all my wonderful mom friends - who were just so excited for me and happy of the good news. I didn't quite know what to say at first, that feeling I get like I don't deserve the praise, or feel guilty of the attention because what if it comes back - but then I made myself just squash those thoughts entirely out of my brain. Why shouldn't I be happy? Why shouldn't I celebrate? Why shouldn't I be excited? My doctor was for God' sake, so why can't I be that way? And again, I know deep within my soul of souls, that this is real, and good, and God. I can trust it - and move with it. This is my beautiful life I've been given again, and I am ready, so ready to live it. So by this afternoon, and during our celebratory prayer circle time today, I am allowing myself to celebrate.

PJ and I were talking tonight, and I asked him if he thought God had anything to do with my scan results - cuz we don't talk a lot about these things together, but know we believe similar things. He said without hesitation yes, and that there was some science involved too, cuz it would be a waste to think I'd been pumping poison into me for the past five months for nothing, but yes, God had a lot to do with this, and the power of prayer. Prayer of others, and my praying myself, my faith.

Off topic - Ginger has started doing the cutest thing. She started really puckering up her lips for kisses awhile ago, which is frickin adorable - but now she like, is figuring out when to do this. I'll get after her for something, or scold her for something, and she'll quickly pucker up her lips real big and stick her face towards me for a kiss - well, of COURSE I'm going to kiss her, she's too darn cute - but isn't that funny? She already knows this, and knows when to use it. Oh, and she's coloring and favoring with her left hand too - I think we've got a lefty. I took her to the dentist today for her very first check up and it went really great. She was such a big girl. Had her first brushing - yea, the dental asst asked me "so how often do you brush her teeth?" and I'm like "Um, well, she's here now isn't she?" I felt like such a schlep. She's fine though - we just have to start brushing now. Our evening routine just keeps starting earlier and earlier and earlier.

Well, I need to get everything ready for treatment tomorrow - and we promise the chemo cam will get up and posted next week. We're using the weekend to finish it up. Not enough time in the day.

I thought this was so appropriate for my devotional today. I need to thank Sana for getting me this wonderful book. I quoted from this before as Pastor Mary referred to it, now I've got one of my own! Yipeee! Check this out -

Sept 1st
Seek Me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind. When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you. When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise. Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times. You will find Me watching over you all the time.
Thank you for all your well wishes - we are pretty happy here in our house. Ready for this treatment tomorrow. Game On!

God Bless -