Conjunction - junction - What's Your Function?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I am so overjoyed with the news of this week, and it's been so wonderful to share it with everyone, but I found myself in tears this evening. I think I'm just overwhelmed. You have your mind set in something for so long, then it changes, and at least for me, it's taking me a moment or two to allow my brain to catch up with the events that have taken place, does that make sense? It's like I just can't shift fast enough to a new frame of mind, a new state of being. Then, to boot, I'm feeling like complete shit tonight - another reminder that this is far from over. Part of me just wants to speed up time and get all this stuff done so I can go back to being like everyone else - but I'm not like everyone else, not anymore. It's like when I finally went through therapy in NY, and did all this great work on myself personally, then went back out into the world, and was able to see how fucked up all my friends were. My therapy did wonders for me, and made me have absolutely no one to hang out with anymore. So here I am with these new eyes, seeing the world so completely differently than I did before, I can't go back to being who I was before, when sometimes, I just want to.

Please don't think I'm not happy with what is happening to me. Lord no - I am so humbled by what has been given to me, this second chance - I am blessed beyond belief - I just need to catch up to it mentally. All this kinda hit me today, and probably more so because I'm not feeling well either. Can't taste anything tonight but the after taste of the Taxol - which I really can't even describe. People have called it a 'metal' taste, but that isn't really true for me. It's just a taste that you try to drown out with anything you can get your hands on - for me it's water and cough drops. Then you get an upset tummy. I did have a spring salad tonight with that yummy blush dressing that Sarah got me hooked on, so that was good. It was like the only meal I had today, go figure.

I hope I'm not sounding whinny - that is not how I feel. Just, overwhelmed. I'm trying to start wrapping my brain around this surgery now, and to be honest, I'm a little scared. I'm ready, but it will be a different kind of transition - and an emotional one. I can't be this pillar of strength all the time, and sometimes I feel like I have to. That's kinda part of being a mom I think - you suck it up to get what you need done and think of you later - I bet that's what I'm tapping into here. Makes sense. But I need to allow myself the time to feel all of these things, otherwise I am doing everyone, including my family, a disservice. If I'm not OK with this, how I can I expect them to be, right?

Well, aren't I just a philosophical mess tonight, eh? Guess I needed to purge this emotional bulimia here - I feel much better now. Nothing like a good cry. It's so cleansing.

First MOPS meeting went well - I'm so blessed to be a part of this wonderful group of women. They are so supportive and uplifting to me. It is not by mistake that PJ and I ended up here in Prescott, that is for sure. We were guided, led here.

So - in direct connection to what I have just written here today - I just read my devotional for today, just now, because I realized I had completely spaced it today. This is just freaky - check this out:

A refreshed, revitalized mind is able to sort out what is important and what is not. In its natural condition, your mind easily gets stuck on trivial matters. Like the spinning wheels of a car trapped in mud, the cogs of your brain spin impotently when you focus on a trivial thing. As soon as you start communicating with Me about the matter, your thoughts gain traction and you can move on to more important things. Communicate with Me continually, and I will put My thoughts into your mind.
In the words of Homer Simpson - "Doh!" I guess that answers my questions from above - I'm gonna go do this now. We keep trying to do this thing called life on our own, don't we? Damned brain cogs! ;-)

God Bless