Relax Already - Jeesh!

So, I have to say I'm feeling much better today. Each day I feel better and better, it's really inspiring. Spoke w/ my oncologist today too and she said I can start my hormone therapy (estrogen buster) right now! Yea! So she called it in, and I started wondering if my insurance is going to cover it. It's a drug called Femara - and I'll need to be on this for the next 5-10 years. Seriously. And it's not like there's a 'generic' or something. My pharmacy called me via automated attendant to inform me that they were contacting my insurance company and would let me know once they had an answer. So, I'm praying on this. I mean, how stupid would it be for my insurance company NOT to cover this. Do they think a re occurrence is more cost effective for them? Each chemo treatment I received was, no lie, between $12-$17 thousand dollars. And I had 15 treatments - so you do the math. How do we pay for the medication we need if we can't afford it, but it could very well kill us if we don't take it? Alright, I'm not going to drive myself crazy with this until I know I have a reason to - and I don't right now. How blessed I am that my pharmacy is calling and fighting this for me - when we picked up the anti-depressants that completely Rainman'ed me, they didn't call to tell me "Oh, by the way, insurance only covered like, $15 of this, $109 please!" So, at least they are calling this time. We'll see. Frustrating.

My mom and niece came up this week to help me out, since I am still having pain when I pick up Ginger, and it's been really nice. Now, you have to know that I, in my previous life and still in my current life to a point but I am working on it, am a control freak. This whole cancer thing has taught me quite a bit about letting that go - and I think I'm really getting better at this. Why? Because it is normally really hard for me to let anyone, even my mother, come into my home and start helping me with things that I normally do myself. But this time, it's just different. I'm really relaxed, and asked my mom up front if she would just be in charge of dinners - and that has helped me so much. My niece has been really great with Ginger, lifting her up for me, putting her into bed, giving her a bottle, etc. I am so enjoying their company and just being together as a family, and resting and healing, it has been really nice. I am bothered a bit as a matter of fact, that I didn't figure this out earlier in my life - how many visits from my mom and others were self sabotaged by my own need to control. But can't look back now, just forward. Looking forward - reminds me of something I read this morning I need to share - this is just amazing.

I get a daily email each morning called Proverbs 31 Ministries, a friend of mine turned me onto this and although they are really long, they are awesome. (with kids, it's really hard to read long emails of any kind, ever - you think, 'I'll come back and read this later!' but you don't, then you forget you even got it - I digress) but these are really good) I'm going to post a portion of this here -

'Jesus had a unique way of clearing up misconceptions by helping people see truth as it was meant to be. For example, in John 9 we find Jesus refuting the traditional explanation of suffering when His disciples point to a man born blind and ask, "Who sinned, this man or his parents?" In other words, they wanted to know Why did he deserve blindness? Jesus answers frankly, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

The disciples looked backwards to find out why the man was blind. Jesus redirects their attention by pointing forward and upward with a new and different perspective.

Usually, our response to challenges or suffering is determined by our perspective. When our focus is inward on ourselves or outward on circumstances, our natural response is fear, insecurity, grumbling and despair. I know. I've been there far too often. Have you?

Yet, Jesus redirects our questions and our focus. In doing so, it causes us to see suffering in a new light that disproves the old tradition. Not all suffering is a direct result of sin. Pain has a higher purpose in our lives. It's not necessarily there because we deserve it. It's to reveal God's glory.

Suffering is meant to refine us. James says it makes us "perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:4b, ESV). Pain drives us to seek the heart and will of God.

Perhaps you and I have been going at it all wrong. We've been looking backwards in the rear view mirror of life asking, "Why? What did I do to deserve this?" Instead, we should look forward and up asking, "What's the purpose of my pain? What's the end result? What is God trying to do, accomplish, or teach me?"

These types of questions enable us to hold out hope for the future. They remind us our suffering can be transformed or redeemed. Tragedies and hardships like the loss of a spouse, a child, a limb, a job, or a home can be used to display God's work and make us more like Jesus.

Isn't it time you and I looked up? An upward focus brings about a supernatural response that reflects trust and confidence in God, as He brings about His glorious work in each of us.

Dear Lord, give me a new perspective today. Help me see the real meaning of my suffering. Enable me to trust You with the good work You are accomplishing in my life through this pain. I long for You to be glorified in this trial. Give me the strength I need to make that happen. In Jesus' Name, Amen.'

Now, I know that was long, but I really couldn't find a place to cut and paste - it is all so relevant to my journey. I would be lying if I didn't think, especially when I was diagnosed, that I was given this cancer as punishment. Punishment for some bad, really bad choices, I had made in my life - long before my husband and beautiful children. In fact, there was a time I felt very unworthy of my husband and children because of the choices I made in my past. I never thought of looking back and an option - it was a way of life for me. Now, I've learned to look forward. That past still creeps into my thinking from time to time, but I am able to handle it much easier now - and I think that will be something I always have to fight - kinda the 'ex-husband' analogy here - eh? Something that won't ever go away completely, but I can change how I address it each time it comes up for me. In any case, this message spoke to me today - it put words to my feelings on this issue, and I gained great comfort. So had to share.

I was able to go and get my nails done today, thank you God - and I'm sitting there finding myself really wanting to rush this process along so I could get out and go do something else. Do you ever do this? (not necessarily at the nail salon, but in everyday life) Just have your mind so focused on something coming up, you want to get out of the now and get there? I recognized this and said to myself "Dina, just calm down and let yourself just be here, and let your mind go - relax already!!" So I made a conscious effort to do just that, and ya know what? I came up with some really great insight on something. This whole 'ovaries gone thing' is really not such a bad thing after all. I need to continue to learn to change my perspective on this whole cancer thing and each part of this journey - to look at each piece as a possibility to a BETTER life, not just a different life. Who's to say I won't feel 110% better when all of this is said and done? Who's to say this oopherectomy wasn't the best thing I could have had done? My husband and I can have sex whenever we want to now and not worry about ANYTHING, which is wicked cool. I only have how I 'felt' before to compare this to, I know, but what if I'm going to feel better? Now, considering I didn't think I felt sick before, how cool would that be? I guess I'm saying this because I do feel so much better today, and continue feel good. It's just a really awesome possibility. I hope I'm explaining this correctly. Not sure how this is coming across.

I'm hopeful, and looking toward the future with even more hope. But more importantly, listening to the now, because if I keep looking to the future, I'm gonna miss it. As Pastor Nancy put it, this is my season for receiving - and I am certainly receiving many insights and messages. So frickin cool.

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes - they were all heard apparently. Thank you.

God Bless -