Stop! I Wanna Get Off!!!!

Don't you just wish that sometimes you could just make everything stop so your brain can catch up? PJ spent the weekend in Phx tending to his father. His father was put in the hospital on Thurs because he was feeling numb and pain that felt like "knives in his head". Needless to say, scary. Now, let me back up just a bit here and advise that his father has been slowly getting worse the past year and a half - he suffered heat stroke then has apparently experienced a number of TIA's (mini strokes) that no one can seem to find the cause of, which has catapulted him into early dementia (he just turned 60). So, what we all feared has finally come to fruition - he can no longer live alone, and he can no longer work. Wow. First of all, I can hardly begin fathom what it must be like to slowly stop being YOU - which is what is happening to him. It's like he gets lost in his own mind, or stuck even sometimes - and it kills me to watch this, then watch my husband watch this of his father. A father who was a VERY good father to my husband. It is painful. So, we are all combining forces to get disability in place, access, and move him in w/ PJ's brother and partner until we can get him set up in an assisted living facility. Once we figure out how we're going to pay for it as well. Like I said, I just wish we could just stop time sometimes, and just take a deep, healthy breath.

So my weekend was spent with 'the girls' - and ya know, it was good for me. Good for all of us actually. Don't get me wrong, I missed my husband, we all did - but it was good to know I could handle this on my own finally, chemo or no chemo - and that all those things I remember PRE CANCER when I used to just pray for naptime, I'm now not so eager to put the kiddos to bed. We played dress up, we painted, we took all the cushions off the couch and made a fort (remember how fun that was??) and we danced to 60's music and laughed. We had a really fun girls weekend. I would get wicked tired by about 9pm, but it was all good. Madeline of course secretly slipped into bed each night with me - undetected by me - she is so sneaky!! What a blessing my girls are.

PJ returned home later this afternoon - and we all just showered him with kisses. See, my husband and I are kind of addicted to each other - I know this is not normal, but for us, we really dig each other - and we find each other to be a really good hang, amongst other things ;-). So when we're apart for a length of time, we don't like it very much. Anyhoo - he said some lovely things to me, about how beautiful I am, those kinds of things, and to be honest, I haven't felt real beautiful at all lately - and I mean at ALL. As excited as I am about my last treatment this Wed, I'm still in full force side effects, and they are just, well, let's say extremely uncomfortable, annoying and embarrassing. So when he came at me with these things, I just fell apart. In a good way, but fell apart to say the least. How blessed I am to have a husband that is so good to me. Who sees me as me, and nothing else.

I'm very excited to see the surgeon tomorrow, and excited to get to Wed for my last treatment. In church service this morning, I think I finally started realizing that this really is going to be my last treatment. I know, there is always re occurrence as a possibility, but I'm living in the NOW and for NOW - this is my last treatment. I need to let go of something that has become a huge part of who I have become the past 5 months - as odd as that sounds. I think being able to focus on the surgery will help, but eventually, I'm going to get to the point where I wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do next, and the answer will be - LIVE. I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it - I mean, I'm living now, please know that, but also focused on the tasks at hand. I just need to sit back, relax, and listen to Him and let Him lead the way. I try so hard to control it all, still, but I need to pull myself back and just relax.

Thank you Sana and Sarah for feeding me and my family this week. You know you're getting old when you look at 'rustic olive loaf' bread and begin to salivate - yum yum. Anyhoo, thank you thank you thank you.

I'm just so filled with thankfulness this evening. I'm so thankful for my children, my wonderful husband, my family, and my dear friends. How lucky I am to be on this earth surrounded by all these beautiful people. And in regards to PJ's dad, how blessed I am to have known him, and to know him now. Just because he isn't the person he was, doesn't mean he doesn't have anything to teach us. In fact, he may teach us more now than he ever could before - I think he already has.

God Bless -