Dying for an Enema

Today was a really good day actually. After dropping my Madeline at school, a girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee and let our little ones play a bit so we could chat. This was exactly what I needed. It was nice to hang and let out some of my anxieties to a friend. It really helped a lot. My energy was pretty good today, except this runny nose/nose bleed thing is just really old now. Seriously - I want my nose hairs back!!! I literally have Kleenex boxes in just about every place I could possibly plant myself at any given moment - because my nose either runs or bleeds all the time. I thought chemo was supposed to 'dry you out' - that is NOT the case with me, of course. This too shall pass, I know, just not soon enough for me right now. Oy vais.

One thing I forgot to talk about a couple posts ago, was something one of my doctors had mentioned to me. Did you know patients,at least ones with terminal illnesses like me, have what's called a YLL assigned to them? YLL stand for Years of Life Lost - this is assigned to people. Here's how it was explained to me - say you have an 85 year old woman with what I have, stage IV breast cancer, her YLL is pretty low, because, well, she's older - right? Now, say you have a 32 year old woman with my same diagnosis but she also has chronic illness like, asthma, heart condition, something like that - her YLL is potentially lower as well because of all the mitigating factors that would come into play when they treat the cancer - get it? Well, my YLL is really high - because I am completely healthy with the exception of this stupid cancer thing - what does this mean? It means I get pushed to the top of the pile at every doctors desk - that they pull out all the stops to get me better - isn't that crazy!!!!! Now, I am smart enough to know that there is always the potential of being treated like a # at the doctors office, it is just too naive to think that you wouldn't be considering the # of people these physicians see every day, week, month - I can't even imagine. But this just blew me away - the way they measure someones amount of life lost from strictly a medical standpoint - and how that plays into who gets priority and who doesn't - just a completely different way of understanding how one's treatment plays out. Here I've been amazed at how everyone is rushing around to accommodate me and this stupid cancer, now I know that this YLL number plays a role in that. Interesting to me - very interesting. I'm really not even forming an opinion here at all either, just find it interesting.

Prayer circle went really well today. Pastor Mary continues to enlighten me. I was feeling bad today about having to, yet again, ask for help after this surgery. She posed a very interesting thought that I have been pondering all day long. She says, and I hope I understood her correctly (she'll let me know if I didn't I'm sure) that God has intentionally put these angels around me to help me, and for me to ask them for help, to show me a new way to be in this life. That the Dina before cancer, wouldn't THINK of asking for help (which is VERY true) and insist on doing everything herself and helping others. He does not want me to be this way. As I thought about this on the way home, I thought, wow, think about how much better I could help others, by knowing what it was like to need and accept help myself. I would have such a deeper understanding of who I was helping, having been there myself. Giving back would mean so much more. Another A-Ha! moment. Thank you Pastor Mary. You were right on. Boy, I needed that Word today.

So - the title of this post - let me explain. When the hospital called me this week to confirm my surgery date and time, they also asked me some medical questions. All this went fine, until the nurse said 'wait - I don't see a bowel prep for you - didn't your OB discuss this with you at your pre-op appt?'. I promptly said "Ew and No - what is that?" She explained that my bowels should be empty before this procedure, and that I needed to call my OB's office to see what they thought. So, I did and repeated to them what the hospital nurse told me. I was speaking to the surgery scheduler who went to ask someone else, then came back and said "Well, if you want to, you can go to the store, get a fleet enema and only use half of it the night before". Ok. Are you kidding me? Is she really giving me the OPTION to do this? Oh please, I'm just dying to give myself a rectal enema - thanks for offering! I told her "well I don't WANT to do this at all - are you giving me an option here or do I need to do this?" She really didn't have an answer for me. So, I went ahead and bought one today. I was kinda freaked out by the hospital nurse who said if I didn't, they could potentially puncture my bowel - and that doesn't sound pleasant at ALL. Now, I've NEVER done this before, so I'm kinda picturing like, a douche for your butt kinda thing. This is NOTHING like that, OMG!! First of all, I'm not even sure by the diagrams on the box how you are even supposed to do this yourself. You would have to be a member of Cirque De Soleil or something. And no, I know what you're thinking, no - I'm not asking my husband, or anyone else to help me - this one I will figure out on my own, and I think God understands why I'm not asking for help on this little adventure. Just wish me luck on Thurs evening, and I highly recommend if you have never had to have this experience, sneak down the aisle the next time you are at the drug store, pick up a fleet enema box and look at the directions - you will laugh your ass off. (no pun intended)

God Bless -