Over Under. Roger Over. Overectomy.

My weekend was too much fun. Had a relaxing family weekend, with a little DATE night on top of that - always a good thing for mom and dad to get out and be just PJ and Dina for an evening. Healthy - the more we make ourselves do this, the happier we are. It's really nice. Wasn't feeling real great today, I think I pushed it a bit - so my wonderful husband let me nap this afternoon, and it seems to be helping. Need a good nights rest tonight, and I should be on my way. I just want to make sure I'm rested for the surgery this Friday. Speaking of which, had my pre-op w/ my OB on Friday afternoon and well, I will not be having my uterus out, only the ovaries. My OB (who is AWESOME!) says that since I am at a weakened immune system due to chemo just wed of last week, he wants to be in and out in as little time as possible. If we went for the uterus removal, that surgery would open me up for many more types of potential bacteria, something he is not willing to chance considering my immune system. So, we're doing the ovaries. That is the estrogen producer, so that is the main objective. I did ask him if keeping it was like keeping a huge cancer haven - he said no. So, I'm just doing what he says, I trust him, and feel comfortable letting him call the shots on this. I just can't believe that the one thing that blessed me with my two beautiful children could now potentially kill me - trying to wrap my brain around that concept. Strange. Then he said my uterus would just be dormant and barren. Dormant and Barren? I picture like, a cold, dark hole, with cobwebs gently blowing through with a cold breeze - then cue music from the scary part of Pirates of the Caribbean. Slight white fog illuminating through. Hmmm. This makes me wish I could utilize it as another possible place to store stuff, my purse just never seems big enough.

I'm worried about how I'm going to 'feel', ya know? I haven't felt myself for so long now, what will this now add to the mix? I just pray, pray a LOT - I don't know what else to do. And cry, I do that too. I mean, I have my sense of humor, but it still seems to back up on me - can't put the 'face on' for too long before you just have to let down a bit. Does that make sense? It's a viscous cycle - worry, fear, cry, pray. Worry, fear, cry, pray, laugh. Worry, cry, pray, laugh. PJ and I were talking this afternoon, that the treatment was almost the predictable part, as unpredictable as it was. At least we knew we went every Wed, and what happened there was pretty predictable. Now, here we go into a surgery where I'm not real sure how I'm going to do - I'm not even sure if it's going to go laproscopically - THAT is a huge ? here. The reason he is doing this surgery so quickly is in case he does indeed have to cut me open. How will he know this? Well, when he goes in lapriscopically and he possibly can't remove my ovaries because of scar tissue (I've had 2 c-sections) then he'll have to cut me open and then my recovery will be much like a c-section. He wanted to be sure, if he had to do this, to give me enough time to heal before my mastectomy. I'm going to look and feel like frickin Frankenstein here - eh?

During church this morning, I was so filled with the need to be involved and help and volunteer and assist - and dammit - this stupid cancer thing is just really taking up WAY too much of my time. It makes me feel so selfish to not be able to give back right now, because I have to focus on me and get this thing kicked. I'm not accustomed to focusing on me for very long, much less 5 months now and for the next 2 for sure. I am just hating this. I know, I'm almost there - this is just the final part that happens to be a real bitch. There's this small part of me that just wants to take my ball and go home. Maybe not feeling real great today is aiding in this feeling. I tend to be a lot more positive when I'm feeling stronger - and I just have felt weak, tired and headachy today. Yuk.

Alright, enough of my bitching and carrying on here. I am focusing on this week as a week of pre-school, labs for surgery, I get a massage on Thurs (yipee!), playing with my little Ginger, helping Madeline spell her name (she did it this evening, clear as a bell - she is so awesome), trying to get my house cleaned (I need to find my cleaning lady again I think), lovin on my husband, and most of all, Praising God for my ability to do ALL of these things. Despite my bitching on this blog, I do wake up each morning and the first thing I do is Praise God for this beautiful life he has given me. Anything He leads me through, whether is sucks or is iroinically enlightening, is well worth the it for this life. I have so much to gain, and have gained so much already. I can only imagine what is in store for me next.

So - Game On! Ovaries or not!

God Bless -