The Facts Mam - Just the Facts

So off to chemo treatment this morning. What will I do when I don't get to go and fight cancer? I know that I am so ready to be done w/ this for a buttload of reasons, but there is a comfort attached to going to a place and having a treatment done that is killing the cancer inside of you. A warrior spirit so to speak. That's what this experience has been for me anyways - granted, some days weren't as 'warrior' as others, but the intent was always there. The fight. It will be very strange to not hold onto this part any longer - and transition away from this way of fighting, to another way, whatever that will feel like. Who knows. I know it will only be 15 treatments in all, but it felt like much more - and the connection I feel with the staff is intense. Again, who knows.

Treatment went great - we left a little late, so PJ went like, 100 mph down the highway - I think the last time I went 100 was when I was in high school and me and my best buddy in school, Doug, drove to CA for a family reunion and the car started shaking profusely on the highway - when I asked him why his car was shaking, he told me he was going 110 mph. I told him to please stop. He drove a Plymouth Horizon - a car that probably shouldn't even be able to go 100. Anyway, we got there on time, of course, and everything went great. I had to see an associate as my dr is still out of town, so kind of a bummer I didn't get to give her a big hug about the latest scan. I got a copy of it - and just to be clear, here's the deal: There indeed in no metabolic activity (active cancer) in the liver or the bones. There is a little, and I mean little, metabolic activity in the right breast - but none in the lymph nodes (hurray!). This is why we are having the surgery.

I really fixated on this part of the report, and PJ and I spoke about this this evening. He knows me well and knew that I was fixating - he reiterated that I can't focus on the activity in the breast. The main focus of this aggressive treatment was to treat the liver - and that treatment, by the grace of God, was successful. In five months mind you. So, I finish my last cycle of treatment which will take me to my surgery date, have the surgery to remove the breast tissue, have reconstruction and then get on hormone therapy. I just need to keep reassuring myself about the BIG PICTURE and that picture is good. Very good. We women always tend to want things tidy - and this breast thing is just not tidy enough for me right now dammit. Bothers me. So I need to work on this, and really put my focus and energy on the good, and the plans to clean up the rest to make it all, well, tidy.

Madeline had a wonderful day at school today, and thank you to Lisa for bringing her home. What a blessing you are. Thank you.

And thank you Jennifer for our yummy dinner tonight. Once again, I cannot express how much these meals this beautiful community makes for me on my treatment days completely saves my ass. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We have a big day tomorrow, and my butt needs to be at church by 8am for our first MOPS meeting - which, is a feat for me you must understand, we are not an early morning family here. We don't really like to all get up till like, 7 - 7:30. I know, this must change - but it is hard. We are sleepers, what can I say. So off to bed with me.

I've mentioned my butt/ass like 3 times in this post tonight - must be a Freudian slip as PJ and I are talking about doing the Fat Smash again here and get this extra weight off so I can feel better, and also, be able to really gage how big I want my new tatas - I'd rather pick the size at my normal weight than at the steroid/chemo weight. Wish me luck, I think we're going to start next week. Arg.

God Bless -