Let Your Hair Down!!!!

So, for the first time during this whole process, I finally went somewhere (other than out to get the mail) without a scarf on. Yup. I went all chemo hair OUT! It felt really great actually, because I don't really like wearing scarves anyway. I wish I was able to not wear one at all. It's not about confidence, at least not for me - this is a very personal decision because I really think the losing your hair part is the HARDEST part of all. But for me, I didn't want to get the 'looks' or as I experienced today, the 'not looks'. This was interesting to me. I went to prayer circle where I felt MOST comfortable not sporting a scarf (I even put product in my weird chemo hair - I know! Touch Me!) then I had to go to the grocery store then to the dr for a bone scan. Look at me all running errands with my chemo hair! I was prepared for the stares, but much to my surprise, I didn't really get that many. Like, one I think. OH - and the ladies at the front desk at my OB's office were AWESOME as usual - But at the store and in the waiting room - what I got were people doing their best NOT to look at me, isn't that funny? I didn't even expect this - I think I prefer the stares over the purposeful no stares - because at least I felt acknowledged with the stares, ya know? I hope that now, I will make an effort to visually connect with people - in their eyes, and hopefully not notice their hair, or no hair. I felt dismissed, and I don't want anyone I come across to feel that way. Ever. Hmmpf.

Good news, my 'oophers' that were removed were tested and everything came back benign - Hooray! And my bone density test came back 'very healthy' - Hooray! So now we gotta get these pills covered by insurance and we'll be on our way. No word from the pharmacy on this today. Love that waiting game!

I also scheduled my calcium infusion for next month. I still have to get these once a month to keep my bones strong. I asked if there was a pill equivalent, and my oncologist said that they were working on one, but no - not yet. So at least that is just a 30 minute infusion, and I get to see everyone once a month - that is way cool. (especially to get to see my oncologist - who is my angel) PJ and I discussed that I was going to keep my port in for a year after everything was said and done anyway, so it's really no big deal. Who doesn't want to go to Sedona once a month?

I realized today in prayer circle, when I was talking about my experience in the hospital, just how much this experience has changed me. Let me back up a minute, when I initially went in on Friday, I was greeted by my nurse, but I noticed she wasn't wearing what all the other nurses were wearing. Then I realized she was an intern and I felt my temp rise just a bit. Then the nurse who was training her came over, and I realized she wasn't really one of my favorite nurses from previous visits, and I felt my temp rise even more. My frustration level continued to intensify as my poor intern tried to figure out what she was doing. Why on earth would they give this poor girl a cancer patient as her training ground? The lady next to me was having something weird taken off her foot - why couldn't she train on her??? Then she couldn't get my IV started (chemo patients tend to have lousy veins after so many treatments) so then the nurse I don't care for comes over and tries and I thought she literally shoved her whole arm up my vein because the biggest "FUCK ME" came bellowing out of my mouth, scaring the lady with the foot issue next to me for sure. I can handle pain pretty well, so for me to vocalize anything, it was pretty bad. Luckily, she was bright enough to see this as a sign of my discomfort, and decided to pull it out and start again elsewhere. Now, my point in telling this story is my realizing I kicked into 'bitch' mode really quickly when I saw things weren't going my way in the beginning. Something I used to do quite often (and it usually WORKED mind you). What I realized is I hadn't done this, in quite awhile. So it was a little scary to see how second nature these muscles were even after not using them in quite awhile. So at one point they both left me in my little 'pre-op' cube, and I took a deep breath, and said to myself 'Dina - calm down. These people were put here in your experience for a reason, relax, and let this experience happen just the way it is supposed to happen.' And all that blood boiling immediately ceased - gone. I relaxed, trusted God, and let it happen. And it did, without a hitch.

I have a feeling I will be constantly reminded, in ways such as this, that I am no longer the person I was before cancer. Cancer has changed me in so many ways, I can't even begin to explain. And this is about way more than 'flipping out' about a nurse I had - this is about me changing the way I see a situation, and choosing to react differently - that is HUGE! Sometimes when you are the one changing, you don't see yourself as changed until something like this happens. If that makes sense at all. Oh - I don't apologize for my outburst though, cuz it did really hurt, and I think this situation is exactly what dropping the F bomb was designed for in the first place. :-)

I'm feeling physically stronger and stronger each day - still hurts to lift Ginger, so I am so thrilled to have my mom and niece here to help me. They have been such a blessing. Not really tasting anything yet, but this is my first real week off chemo, so we'll see how quickly my taste starts to come back. For the past 3-4 days or so, the inside of my mouth is extremely sensitive. Whenever I drink any kind of soda or something carbonated, or eat salsa (a major food group in our house) the inside of my mouth just burns. PJ said maybe it's because I'm not on any kind of steroid any longer - we'll see. The nose bleeds still come and go, and are uncomfortable, but manageable. That's really it - so I'm just blessed to be feeling so good.

Getting tired, so must go. Have a lovely day tomorrow all -

God Bless -