It's The Final Countdown! (as sung by Europe)

Well, tomorrow is the day. Part of me will believe it when I'm there and my doc says "ok - here's the next step now that we're DONE WITH CHEMO". She probably wouldn't shout it like I've typed it here - but how funny if she did, eh? That would be funny. I wouldn't stare at her but others probably would and think 'jeez - why is she shouting that it's so unprofessional' but I would smile. Anyway, I'm excited to stop then start to regain myself and prepare for this surgery, which, is not going to be the 'breeze' I think I have in my head. It's going to be a bitch, and I just need to prepare myself for some weeks of being really uncomfortable. There is a part of me that really thinks I'll be taking Madeline to school w/ Ginger on my hip like, a week after my surgery. Sadly, I doubt this is true.

So today was like, the busiest day I've had in a long time. Left the house this morning at 8:15 and didn't get home until after 5pm. Both the girls had dr appts today (well baby and 4 year old check up) and both of my little angels had shots - poor things. Each of them had 4 shots - Madeline then on top of that had the flu mist. So, there were lots of tears shed, but they are resting soundly now. They actually did great.

One thing I'm getting accustomed to now, is people don't think I'm Ginger's mommy any longer. Now, I know I'm an older mom, but, I have to accept the fact that I look even older as I've gone through this treatment, and in these scarves I wear. It's upsetting - I just want to tell them ' I don't always look like this! Honest! I used to look pretty good for a 40 year old mother of a 4 and 1 year old!'. I know I will get back to that, I know this - I just need to take a deep breath, stay focused, and exhale. I can't control what other people perceive as their reality. But I can be forthright in sharing my involvement, and their lack of good judgement. Or simply point out their ability to judge so quickly. In a polite, sincere, sarcastic way of course. ;-)

It's bittersweet tomorrow. These people have had a major hand in me fighting this thing. They have played a role in my fight. Not seeing them on a weekly basis is going to be a huge transition for me. I am finding myself oddly missing them all already. My oncologist, and this staff, are the most amazing group of medical professionals I think I've ever been privileged enough to witness, let alone take part in. They are doing such wonderful things for people, just by treating them as people, not patients. There is a slight fear in me this evening regarding not actively fighting this thing on a weekly basis. A little paranoid perhaps. Probably normal too.

I had missed my devotional reading for the past 2 days, which really irritates me. So, I go to read today's, finally, and the last sentence just speaks to me, in the same way my friend Lara has spoken to me. This gives me something reiterated that Lara had shared with me. I know God is with me, and he wants me to remember that I am beautiful to Him, which is all that matters. It read:

Be blessed as My Face shines radiantly upon you, giving you Peace.

Thank you Lara - this was clearly a message first sent to me by you, now here. I hear you and feel radiant indeed. Thank you.

Need to run, gotta rest up for tomorrow, so God Bless, and good night.